Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin

AJ tried to teach me the value of being comfortable in my own skin. I'm aware that there's value in being comfortable, but I don't think I ever understood it before. I don't think I still do. But since its importance has been emphasized to me, I'm starting to see circumstances where being comfortable in my own skin will be of significance.

I hate feeling insecure about myself. I hate incessant thoughts that haunt me. They prevent me from feeling secure about myself, even when they shouldn't, even when I don't believe it. But that's not even the point. Attraction is subjective. I think it's important that everyone feels secure, comfortable, and confident in themselves regardless of aesthetics. I'm not talking from experience, but I imagine the confidence is amazing.

There's so much in life that I don't appreciate because I'm unable to embrace it since all I see are the drawbacks. What a disturbing way to exist. I don't want to exist; I want to live. So long as I only see the negatives, I'm always going to have a single-minded perspective. And I want to be a well-rounded individual. But, most of all, I want to appreciate what I have.

By focusing on the negatives, I perceive myself as not deserving things. Then I project that onto others. I used to be thoroughly 100% against going out with someone who was perceived as difficult. I realized how bigoted of me that is. Even difficult people are amazing people. How much have I limited myself in the past because of this? It not only polluted my mentality, but I was totally discriminating towards others who didn't deserve it.

It's come to my attention how flawed my perspective became when I started thinking like a girl so to speak. I've been talking to this girl, and she does a lot of judging girls outfits. It sort of put me in that mode, and I remember looking at a fat girl and thinking how she probably won't be able to find someone who loves her because she's so fat. I didn't think she was an awful person, but I was so one-dimensional and insensitive about the entire thing. It turns out that she's engaged! How could I have gotten this so wrong? I remember thinking that if she found someone, I should be able to find someone. Isn't that awful? My ability to find someone shouldn't and isn't comparable. How can I be so vain and narrow-minded? I swear that's not the kind of person I am, but a part of my mentality needs to be told that then. I have to learn to be comfortable in my own skin!

I want to enjoy what I have without obliterating those talents because they aren't flawless. I'm human. Of course, I'm not going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't embrace the qualities I do have. I want to become a writer. I do think I have a talent in that area. Yet I can't bring myself to comfortably admit that I'm a talented writer because there are so many better writers out there. That doesn't change the skills and talents I have. On some level, I know that. I'm tired of having this disconnect. It permeates so many aspects of my life. I'm sick of it.

Things Will Work Out

I've been so busy stressing that I haven't looked to the future lately. I always just keep moving forward because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to give up. I haven't had time to really trip out sufficiently, too, because I’m overly busy. But when my friend dropped me off, he sincerely said that things will work out. I told him that it always does. He said, "What else can you do?" I should've said, "I wouldn't know." That's when I realized that I haven't even looked at the possibility that it will, but it will! Sometimes even the smallest things people say have a profound impact if you're open to it.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it really resonated in me that night. I was sitting in my old room. It was empty and lifeless. But I didn't see it as a home stripped away from me anymore. I don't know what I saw, but it wasn't at all bad. That's something. And it s because I knew that things will work out. Sometimes I just have to stop and realize that for what it's worth.

I have awesome friends who pulled through for me at the end, helping me with my move. I have other friends who helped me look for a place. I live in such a chaotic world that sometimes I forget that things will work out, that things do work out. I see it as though I’m spinning, spinning, spinning. I stop only to do it all over again. I don’t always realize that I made it each and every time. This will be no different.

My Discombobulated Feelings

WHAT I BELIEVE:

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

HOW I AM/HOW I FEEL NOW:

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

I was terrified by what I was feeling for you.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

WHAT I'M DOING:

I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me.

HOW HE MUST'VE FELT:

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel; and remember what you deserve.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

WHAT I SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON BUT IGNORED...

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE:

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

WHAT I'M AFRAID OF:

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us?

Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I NEED TO ACCEPT AND LEARN (things I'm trying to come to grips with):

Don’t worry about the people in your past because they aren’t in your future for a reason.

Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be. You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, have no regrets, and forget the bad in the past. Just remember what all it has taught you.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

LASTLY....

Bob Marley's lesson on love...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you the part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

The Quote that Truly Touched Me

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I used to do things that made people describe me as daring and impulsive, but the truth is that I'm a VERY good planner. I even plan things that appear spontaneous. I'm always blabbing that I think people fail to realize that it's usually my idea to do something completely insane! As long as it's on my terms and I plan for EVERYTHING, I'm okay with it.

I never actually realized how closed off I am before until someone brought it to my attention. He's a really guarded person, so it really opened my eyes to how I really am. I'm not that good at reading people, so I never really understood any of this before. I just thought I did. When AJ became less guarded around me, I didn't really notice until I was told so. I never noticed before that he was guarded until I saw the contrast. I'm so different from him that I would've never guessed that I had my own version of guardedness. I never really knew that different kinds of guardedness existed, although it makes sense that it does.

I know that how I feel for the most part is transparent because of how people react around me and the comments they make towards me. That led me to believe that I'm an open person, but that's not true. I can't contain how I feel; I don't know how to. As a result, it becomes exposed. There aren't too many things I know how to hold in, but those things I never really reveal. I'm a guarded, closed-off person by nature but not an ability I've learned to harness like AJ's.

The first time I've ever felt exposed and vulnerable, my emotions poured out of me but not by choice. I tried to hold in as much as I can for fears I can't even articulate or even perceive. I pushed away the one first person who was exposing me to who I am, the raw truth I didnt' even know I was hiding from myself. In my mind even though I never really admitted it to myself and even though this is the "truth" I was willing to share with myself, I kept fearing that I would be rejected for what I want, how I feel, and who I am. But the real truth is that I feared being accepted for what I want, how I feel, and who I am.

I've never been comfortable outside of my natural element. I like being in control, feeling in control, being able to call the shots, all the unhealthy desires that cling to us for all of the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to be pushed into a direction you're afraid of going in order to acheive something great. Sometimes you need an external force to make that happen. I was so afraid of taking that step, but I withdrew completely until that force and everything about it disappeared. All I could think when it was there was how I wanted to escape. Now that it's gone, I realized how wrong I was. In retrospect, it makes no sense that I was afraid. But without that experience, I would've never believed it. That's why this quote touched me so much.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

~Thanks for sharing this quote. It's one thing to have an experience and remember it, but it's another thing when you find a quote that encompasses how you feel. There's something about a written manifestation of it that makes it more real.

Our Paths in Life

I believe that we're all meant to be somewhere at any given time. But I also firmly believe that we don't always go where we're supposed to. However, every action has a consequence. You may have taken the wrong path when you began that road. But by taking that road, you've changed the course. Now you're meant to be on the new path. The hardest part about this is leaving the past behind you, accepting that you'll never know what could've been, that in life you'll be plagued with unfinished realities. Sometimes all you can do is look to the future and leave the past behind you if you ever expect to move forward. But how the Hell do you do that?

Death Card

Do I really take my horoscope and daily tarot card to a serious degree? No, but I do find it interesting and quite potentially insightful. After all, it's all about how we interpret it, right? Today I drew the death card, which frightens most people. It's never done that for me because I'm open-minded, but I also draw on my own experiences. It's not that I haven't seen death, but death comes in many forms. It's also how I perceive death.

Being Japanese I grew up in a culture that believes in life after death. I remember my friend Yoshi's mother passed away when I was eight, and I tried to comfort my mother by reassuring her that she just moved to Heaven because she's a good person. I remember my mom slapped, and it was the first time I became truly frightened of her. But I honestly didn't know any better. For some reason, to this day the notion of clinical death is still obscure to me.

I've seen more death in romances, friendships, and ambitions than people dying. "Death ends a life, not a relationship." So when I was given the death card this morning, I wasn't frightened. I'm actually relieved because my perception of death is different.

Death

This card is commonly misconstrued and does not specifically pertain to physical death. The Death card signifies change in your life brought about by the ending of a current situation and the beginning of a new one. While the card itself may be morbid, it actually represents exciting change in your life. Be prepared for new and exciting situations to develop.

So this death car signifies change in my life brought about the ending of a current situation and the beginning of a new one. Well considering how my life has been going, that's great. I haven't been sitting around moping about him, but I miss him. I want to return to being comfortable being single. I don't mind being single. But when I found someone I was interested in, that changed. Since it didn't work out, I don't want to miss him.

I'm unemployed and have no financial income. I actually feel unproductive by wasting my time hitting up interviews because it's felt like it hasn't led to anything promising. If anything,it's discouraging. I've been seeking positions I know I can perform but are either perceived as otherwise and even positions I know I can do but require a little more faith, faith I haven't been given. I have two interviews coming up and an amazing job prospect, which really means that hopefully futile interviews and unemployment will die in my current situation. I'm looking forward to the changes!

I Got It Done and Gained Further Perspective

I went to work today, and I faced my manager regarding my resignation letter. I don't know if he intentionally decided to not persuade me otherwise or had some perspective and decided to take a different position. He left me a voicemail, asking me to call him back and talk to him about my resignation. My friend thought that maybe he had a thing for me. No way! Today he seemed understanding about where I'm coming from before I said anything. I've seen him assess people before. So maybe he just realized that trying to convince me to stay would be a losing battle. I walked in there with confidence in my decision and Armen's message in mind. I'm sure that it was evident.

He told me to not feel guilty because it's important that I enjoy where I work. He shared to me his story about quitting after two days at one job. Maybe he was bullshitting when he came off as being understanding. But it doesn't matter. What he said is true. It's important that I enjoy where I work. I may not find that perfect job any time soon, but I don't want to work at a place that makes me feel like I'm compromising who I am.

Working there would require me to compromise my value, tell white lies, manipulate and push customers to make purchases I can feel they are hesitant about, ignoring my gnawing guilt about how this can potentially be financially catastrophic, making myself the higher priority, etc. I feel so much better now that I'm doing this. I was afraid that by doing this I would feel awful until I felt better. Instead someone from school referred me to a stable and generous company that's looking to hire.

He gave me the info the next time I saw him. I received a phone call the next day after I emailed my resume to the company. I also got a second phone call from another company interested in hiring someone for data entry! Both of these jobs are part-time positions, so they'll allow me to go to school at the same time. And they pay well, which would make me financially secure. It's perfect! I mean if I get hired. I'm really excited. I feel like I'm going the right direction.

The Most Amazing Interview Experience

I had the most amazing interview experience, not the most amazing interview (which would've brought me closer to employment). I knew I never belonged at the salon. Yet I felt like I wasn't finished with the whole salon life- the crazy life of a salon girl! This salon also used aveda products. The interviewer is this vibrant, confident, sexy, friendly, and passionate woman. I felt her emotional presence when I was exposed to her. I've never experienced that before. It must be amazing to love your job that much.

I was applying for the front desk position. I was amazed by how gorgeous the other candidates were. Of course, we ALL had fabulous hair. It's the first interview I've been to where virtually everyone arrived more than 30 minutes early. We filled out name cards. There was water available. The salon was arranged like a classroom with rows of seats. There were Mission Statements and posters.

We were first asked to write any concerns or circulating thoughts in our minds on a piece of paper that no one else will look at. Being who I am, my list was long! (Everyone's early. Everyone has gorgeous hair. This is the most elaborate interview I've been to. I'm intimidated. etc.,) We were asked to toss the note aside in your purse. It was meant to free our mind. Then we proceeded to an Aveda ritual using blu oil. This natural oil is meant to personalize on your skin based on what sort of balance you need. It's scented with chamomile for relaxation and peppermint for an energy booster. You pour a little on your hand and rub it in. Either the chamomile or the peppermint scent will surface based on whether you need to be relaxed or rejuvenated. So the smell varies from person to person. Doesn't that sound like the oddest and most appealing interview?

A background about the company, Aveda, was provided. This was when I could see the interviewer's passion. Her eyes were fluid, watery, and emotional. She loves Aveda, both as a professional and a consumer. She talked about her Mission Statement, which included words and ideas like give, take, beauty is a mirror, etc. I can't remember the details, but it was very philosophical and not at all frivolous. Afterwards, we were all asked to write down words that spoke to us and elaborate what it means for us in front of everyone.

I selected Beauty is something or another. I can't remember anymore. But I liked what the message symbolized; it's very balancing. How we look on the outside is a reflection of what's going on in the inside. I think that balancing element can be applied to other areas, as well. I believe everything in moderation is important because I truly believe in diversity. Beauty is often perceived as frivolous and vain, but it also helps us to feel confident about ourselves. I do believe that we should all have more substance than something so superficial, but physical attraction is a part of it. We can't deny that. It's important to make our appearance a priority, to have balance in our lives. It's also a good way for us to prioritize ourselves in this busy hectic lives. Something as small as styling our hair for a few minutes before we walk out of the door or putting on a shade of soft lipstick can do wonders for any girl's self-esteem. It's easier to forget about it, but it doesn't mean that it should.

After we all discussed what stood out to us, the interviewer was disappointed (in a kind way) that no one mentioned give and take. She said that in this world there are givers and takers. She's a giver. She gives her clients what they desire, she gives them the tools to feel confident about themselves, she gives them the power to feel good, she gives them the knowledge to look fabulous through Aveda products and styling techniques, etc. She emphasized the importance that people who work for her have to be givers by nature. She said that she has takers in her life because she's a giver. It's the balance of the universe. But in her line of work, everyone has to be givers.

So true. That's when I realized the value of going to this interview. A little earlier, I realized that this job isn't for me because she said she wanted to hire people who want to work there forever. I sure as Hell don't want to work at a salon as a receptionist or any job FOREVER! She welcomed anyone not interested to leave, that she won't take offense. I believed that, but I really wanted to stay, and I'm glad I did. I'm not a giver, fully anyways.

I do give a lot. I'm insightful. For someone so complicated, I make clarifications for my friends. I'm the hostess. I cook. I'm the voice of reason. I give my friends rational advice. I give them incentive to work hard when they procrastinate. I give my friends courage by giving them the right perspective. I give my knowledge to the people around me. I give because there's value in it for me. Value and growing is important to me. I have to take in order to continue that cycle. I take knowledge and insights from others so that I can do the same. I'm a combination. Diversity and a dynamic lifestyle is ingrained so deeply within me that I'm never just one thing. But that's what I need to be to work at a salon and be fully happy. That's why I never quite belonged at the salon. I'm not a giver. I was pretending to be someone I'm not.

At first when I believed I was just a taker, I felt bad. But the truth is the truth, regardless of how you feel about it. At one point, I was just a taker. Now, I'm both. Maybe I'll change again. Who knows? But right now, I'm not a giver. I don't belong there. Knowing that helped me.

Each candidate also stood in front of the panel and talked a little about ourselves and what we're looking for. It was a good exercise. I enjoy tasks like these. At the end, I thanked my interviewer for this amazing experience. I told her that someday I would love to work for her, but I'm not ready to commit to that right now. I was wrongly axed because of dishonesty; I don't want to do the same to her. As unrealistic as I think her expectations are, she was upfront about what she's seeking.

After talking to my friend, EriK, I realized that it was like a cult. I didn't belong there because of who I am, but I also didn't belong there because I didn't agree with her approach, although I can appreciate the sentiment. She has an all-black dress code so that everyone looks beautiful. Everyone looks like they're making the same amount of money. She basically removed discrimination to prevent discrimination, but it also stripped away everyone's individuality. For my emotional well-being, I can't work at a place that only permits such a dark color. Vibrant reds are uplifting for me. I want that. I need that. She only uses Aveda products and desires an environment that mirrors that. I'm way into diversity to conform to that. I think it's great that she found the perfect product for her, something she's so satisfied with that she doesn't have the desire to look elsewhere. I wish I can find that kind of contentment, but I also enjoy the learning experience. That can't exist in such a stifling environment.

I'm not saying that this woman or her salon is flawed; I'm saying that it's not for me. But it was the most amazing interview experience. I love events like that. This woman gave me something, assurance that this outcome was right for me. It felt like getting fired and losing my financial security happened to me like an attack. I finally felt like it was done for me. I wasn't strong enough to quit, so the universe made it so I'll proceed to my destination. It's the first time I went against the logical choice. I "self-sabotaged" my only likely source to income in this economic downfall, but it felt right to me. Never in my life have I ever felt such certainty and absence of doubt.

The Lessons of Unemployment

While I do believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I've been left wondering why some of my recent experiences have occurred. What purpose could they have possibly served? It seemed like it only happened to screw me over, and I just didn't believe that that's why it happened. Come to think of it, in the old days, I would've deduced that I deserved it for karmic purposes. I can't believe I didn't even consider that possibility. For the first time in my life when I started questioning things, I stopped approaching it from a disconnected way and began taking an introverted perspective. Since then I started questioning the notion that there's a reason for everything because it stopped being a karmic system, and it became more obscure. I felt like it was personal, the reasons for why all these seemingly unfair and life-changing events rapidly occurred. But if you think that, then it's only natural to be discomforted by the possibility. Yet I didn't think it was a karmic consequence. So what was it? When I couldn't find the answer, I began wondering if one actually existed. For most of my life I've been so used to finding the answer I've been seeking that this is new territory. I have to learn to trust myself and trust that reasons do exist even if I don't know what they are. I shouldn't seek empty comfort by replacing my constant insecurities through some form of wishy-washy explanation.

I believe that every little thing that happens is required to achieve something specific, and I think that's what working at the salon was - birth pains. I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be, and working at the salon was just another process. It's a dynamic lesson - losing myself to discover myself, to realize that my identity isn't as strong and intact as I once believed which is both a blessing and a curse, I have faults that others have that I thought never existed in me, I have more flexible range than I ever thought possible, panic can be eliminated from my life if I want it bad enough, uncertainty isn't always frightening, being someone I'm not will help me appreciate who I am, I have to appreciate who I am to have confidence in myself, there's a difference between the logical choice and the right choice, and so much more!

Being unemployed with rent to worry about is a disastrous combination for me - the old me, that is. Panic attacks, overdose of meds, over compulsion, gross skin, stress, panic, fear, emotional overload, single-mindedness, logical extreme, addictive personality manifesting into every aspect of my life, obsession, panic, repeat. Eventually my body broke down and couldn't afford to panic the way it used to. That's when I realized this lesson - "Uncertainty is a part of life." But you can release yourself from the clutch of fear." I always accepted and feared that uncertainty is a part of life, which is why I did everything I possibly could to have a backup for anything that can possibly go wrong. I didn't think I was jinxing myself, and I believe that it's important to prepare yourself. But I took it to an unhealthy extreme. I didn't take precautionary measures as a way to ease my insecurities so that I can live my life to the fullest in the here and now; it was an obsession of mine.

It's good that I prepared myself, but I never wanted to resort to using it. Even when it got to the point that I had to, I did everything I could to not have to tap into that like not eating. It was insane! I'm starting to understand the function and priority that preparation should have. I have to accept that unpredictable, unexpected, feared things occur in life but that's okay. This is a huge thing that I get that. For the longest, I kept having panic attacks, but I didn't really understand why. I was just going through the motions. I hate taking meds because I don't want to have to rely on anything. I like to have them around for security purposes but never use them. I told myself that I didn't deserve to use them because it makes no sense that I need them. And I was right. Once I accepted my situation for what it truly is, things calmed down for me a little. Even though things were exactly the same, I was different. It's amazing how life-changing awareness can be. I would've never learned this if I didn't get fired.

Now that I have a lot of time on my hands, I'm really starting to listen to myself. I'm not just mindlessly doing things to ease an underlying insecurity that I'm unaware of. I'm actually able to uncover and address the source of my manifested coping mechanisms. There were all these things I've always wanted but never worked towards gaining, not really. I didn't even know what I really wanted. I just went through the motions. Everything was so stressful that the last thing I did was surface the courage to face my insecurities.

I realized that my OCD is a lot unhealthier than I first perceived it to be. It's so much subtler than other peoples' that I thought I was fine until someone tried to reduce it from my life. I couldn't even think straight when my necklace was removed because it matched my outfit, and I "needed" it. How crazy is that? It kept interfering, so someone took it off of me. Such a small thing shouldn't have consumed me the way it did.

My compulsive habits stopped being as comforting as it once was, which I hated. I resented my friend for presenting the ugly side to my OCD because my support system, as faulty as it was, failed me. How else am I supposed to deal with life's stresses? Apparently by dealing with life's stresses. I always thought I dealt with them. But, no, they were imposed on me, and I had nowhere to hide. So I handled it. That's not the same thing.

When I couldn't distract and ease myself from everything that was bothering me, I couldn't hide from everything that was bothering me - weak stress management, unexpected and unpredictable life occurrences, etc. Unemployment forced me to deal with everything I push back into my mind. I scheduled my classes around work, so I have A LOT of time on my hands. I realized how unsatisfying my unbalanced life is.

Now that I don't have income, I can't afford to maintain my compulsive habits. I spent $50 in a single week on washing cleaning rags! I can't afford that anymore. The definition of insane is to do the same thing over and over again and hope for a different outcome. I kept cleaning, hoping that it would stay clean this time for longer than a day, that it would calm me. But I just became redundant, illogical, and extreme. When I realized that (thanks to Erik's insights), I decided to try nothing. For the first time in my life, I've worked my ass off on sitting still because everything I do has an underlying compulsive excessiveness - my extensive writing, cooking in bulk, cleaning, exercising, anything I do. I've been unemployed for a while now that even though I stress, I have evidence that everything is still okay.

I've shown myself that I can do this, but I've also found the time to discover who I really am, how it affects me, how I want to change, and explore what I really want. I've always wanted to be more creative. When I'm not distracted with other superficial stuff in my life, this absence really gnaws at me. I want creativity more than anything in my life right now (well that and peace of mind, self-confidence, and happiness). Writing is my only link to creativity. In fact, until I got fired, I lost my passion for writing because I lacked passion. I want to go in-depth about my creative desires, but I've decided to create another entry for that. My point is having all this time made me realize how much I really want to be creative. I've always talked about it, but I've never really felt the surge of desire within me until now.

I also want to have more confidence. A lot of people think I have this strong sense of personality. BoBo thinks it makes me the thick-skinned bitch I am, but what she and others (including myself sometimes) fails to realize is that it's just an exterior that conceals my weaknesses. I'm realizing that more and more now. I'm starting to understand what EriK meant when he said that it's all bullshit. "I portray this strong personality, but he knows me." So true.

I also want to be happy. I mean, really be happy. Okay, so, I've never been the sunshine girl, and I'm moodier more than anything. But I've never been just happy. I don't think I'll ever be fully. My friend, Mike, and I were talking about this recently. He said that he doesn't think he can ever achieve true happiness because that would mean that all desires are achieved. There's just too much to learn and discover that it's impossible to reach all that. I agree, but I believe I can come closer to it than I am. The reason why I say I'm not happy is because I've never experienced even for a single second, a moment where I didn't feel bad in some way or another. There's always been some concern, fear, insecurity, or doubt that's present. Just once I'd like to be able to smile and not have some concern floating in the back of my mind.

My friend told me one day that I'm not happy because I don't realize my worth. He compared me to this sweet girl who lives her life to the fullest. He said, "Look at this girl. She isn't pretty and people make fun of her because she's eccentric, but she lives life to the fullest. You're pretty, you're smart, you have friends, but you don't live life to the fullest. You have no reason to be unhappy." So why am I like this?

Even though I feel like I've known all of this stuff before, I never fully absorbed it all until now. This is my lesson of unemployment, to focus on me. Even if you see aspects of a big picture and you connect everything little piece together in your mind, it's not the same as seeing the whole picture in its entirety. It's also not the same thing if you glance at it, rather than concentrating on it fully, let the image bleed into one another and change shape and form like how we are. Life has more to offer me than just financial security if I open my eyes wide enough to see that.

Here's a new lesson - there's a difference between the logical choice and the right choice. Not every right choice is logical. "Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment." That's what I'm realizing. I perceive financial security as a higher value than it should be. I only get what I consider essentials, and then I'm bummed out because I feel deprived. I never allow myself to indulge and appreciate the smaller stuff. I'm looking for a job now, but I'm not turning it into my life. I'm embracing what unemployment is offering me - a chance to discover and explore other aspects of life I don't otherwise have time for or the mindset to embrace.

I Reacted, Rather Than Acted

I can’t believe I exposed my vulnerability to him. I’m easy to read, and I “reveal” a lot of things to people. But, really, I’m selective about what I open up about and I conceal a lot. My past is unknown to most people. What I do share is really trivial stuff. I never realized this until now, but I’m selectively open to certain types of people. I think it’s subconsciously controlled. Some people are just more receptive to my past and my inner self. When I sense that, I respond differently. It’s been a while since I’ve attracted people who understand, I mean really understand, that life, that world. So, I think it made it easy to bond and connect with him. I think it happened before I was even aware of it.

Sometimes reacting is better than acting because I’m not over-analyzing. Even if those reasons aren’t known to me at that point in time, I have to trust that somewhere inside of me; I know what I’m doing. That’s how it began, and it was clearly the right move. It’s scary, though, to just react and not be in control. When I realized that I wasn’t in control of my emotions and I opened up to him without realizing it, I started shutting down. I kept thinking that he was so guarded, that I wanted him to open up. I didn’t realize how closed-off I was, I am. That’s when I stopped reacting and began acting.

Sarah posted this beautifully expressed quote that I think conveys what I’ve just discovered and realized I need to do in order to find that connection I feel has been missing in my life. “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” –Alex Karras.

I think I’m more broken and damaged than other people, but I’m also stronger as a result. People see me struggle, but I never let it keep me down. People tell me that I’m strong, and I never believed it because something about that message seemed off somehow. I’m starting to realize that I am a strong individual, but I’m also starting to understand why I was conflicted by the idea of that. “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them.” I’ve never openly or deliberately revealed my insecurities until recently, and I broke down. But it was refreshing and a learning experience. I’m not as strong as I’d like to be; I’m not as strong as I wish I am; I’m not as strong as I feel I should and can be. I’ve dominated people more than I have related to them. Relating to people makes me realize how much courage I can have and how weak I actually am in perception. I was a blind reflex girl but not anymore.

I’m starting to change. I’m both frightened and excited by it. I’m losing a part of who I am to gain a new side. My overly logical and disconnected barrier is starting to chip away, which is necessary if I’m ever to be emotionally connected the way I want to be. I’m tired of being overly logical until my logic fails me and then I become emotionally-erratic. Even though emotions aren’t the most controllable essence in this world, I want to be more connected to it. I want to be able to open up when I want to, know how to do that, realize when I’m doing that, realize when I’m not doing that, to be familiar with my feelings even. However, when my emotion takes charge, my objectivity isn’t present. That can become problematic if analytical thought is necessary, but I’m starting to be open to the idea of losing that side of me if that’s the only way to achieve what I’ve always wanted. In the past, I was never willing to make that sacrifice. Even though finding balance has always been the one thing I could never do, I honestly believe that this is a balance I can achieve – maintain my objectivity and access it when it’s necessary, while simultaneously being led by my intuition and being connected to everything I’m a part of.

Helping Others to Help Myself

I wasn't always the person my friends came to for insights and feedback. But I've changed a lot. So, it's only natural that my friends will respond differently to me. Friends I've only met for the second time will open up about things they haven't shared with their closest friends. It doesn't actually trip me out because I do offer insightful and productive advice. I tend to over-complicate things and it makes my life difficult. But when it comes to helping my friends, I'm direct and eliminate that over-complicated baggage. Somehow, I know that I can't help them with it. So I get rid of it. It's a selective process. I've realized after helping so many of my friends that it's something I need to implement in my own life. I never realized how damaging and neglectful I've been to myself.

I've always been a direct person who does what she wants to do. I could really care less what others think of it, just as long as it's something I want to do unless it involves a guy. It's always about a guy, right? For someone so independent and upfront, I allow myself to be completely taken over by my insecurities and question every action that I take and don't take. Truthfully speaking, my insecurities surface and I question whether I should act a certain way in every aspect of my life. But for the most part, it's just a habitual process that my mind goes through. I proceed as I intend.

By not doing this, by not being myself, I lost someone and, more importantly, I lost myself. So I'm over it. Sometimes, I'm paradoxical in a complex way that I can't fight, nor would I want to. But sometimes I'm paradoxical in an unnecessary and complicated sort of way. I'm afraid to act a certain way because I'm afraid he'll reject me. But I already know how he feels about me if I just stop freaking out how long enough to sense it, to realize it. Besides, why am I so chicken shit for? I don't embarrass easily. So if my paranoia is warranted, it'll still be okay. I just never allow myself the opportunity to learn this. That's unhealthy for me, and it's unfair for any guy who shows an interest in me.

I'm convinced he's going to diss me at any point in time. But I go for sweet guys. I know that. So by suspecting such foul play, it's so disrespectful to the guy. It's not like I ever tip my hat off until I realize that it's mutual anyways, not that it matters. That kind of doubt is unfair and unfounded. And by some chance, my fears become realized, so what? I have friends who like our friends. When it's not mutual, they don't get dissed. I surround myself with considerate, kind people. They wouldn't do me like that...especially if the guy is into me. I was told by a guy I liked that I need to have a higher standard of him. He was wrong. I need a higher standard for myself, only then will I project that perspective.

My friend expressed something that's really obvious and yet profound to me at the same time - But sometimes, when you take a moment to step outside of your shoes, you'll realize the fears or doubts are illogical. At times we are so bombarded by our own thoughts that we can't see clearly. Great things are experienced/achieved by taking great risks. The first message I realized when I was helping my friend, and I realized how much of what I said to him applied to me. I just transferred that logic into my own life. The second sentence is the story of my life, but I'm working on changing that. The third message is a newfound lesson for me. Thanks girl!

I can be such a self-involved person that I think we all forget how much I actually do for others. By believing and perceiving that I make myself a focus and priority, I overlook when I completely neglect myself. This is why helping others helps me. It makes people around me appreciate and acknowledge what I can offer and what I do for them, while I realize how flawed my own perspective is. Sometimes, I waste my time feeling guilty because I spend so much time talking about what's been going on in my life that I forget to realize that my friends share a lot with me, too, just not as much as me. But what they do share with me is significant. I think that's how a lot of people in my life are. The guy I pushed away opened up a lot more than me and shared so much more than me, but I didn't see it because I was focusing on quantity more than quality. I never realized that until now.

My Room Is a Sanctuary

I have four roommates. My bathroom doesn't have a fan, so it's a breeding ground for mold. I think I'm allergic to my place. It's a total mess. To keep it clean, I have to sweep, mop, and disinfect at least twice a day. I eat my laundry money washing an insane amount of rags only to be driven mad and fuel my OCD tendencies. My name also isn't on the lease, so I have no leg to stand on.

Up until my last apartment, where I lived was just a place to sleep. I never felt truly at home. I loved my old apartment. I felt comfortable and my belongings personalized and reflected my personality. It was strategically decorated and balanced in a unique way. I have a purple couch! My art contrasts one another in a very consistent sort of way. Each room is categorized and dedicated to serve a specific purpose to ground me and keep me focused. Since I have tendency to be in my head, I like categories to keep me organized. I felt at ease there.

I was surprised by how well I handled my new environment. I feel like all these changes occurred to help me adapt to where I am now. If all these things didn't happen, I wouldn't cope so well. Management skills, aside, I'm not a fan of where I live. And yet my friend made an astute observation that I open up more in my room, that I may not like that I consider my room my own, but it is what it is. I find a little peace knowing that. I'm glad it was shared with me because I'm not sure if I could've come to that conclusion on my own because I tend to focus on everything else.

I think it's important for everyone to feel like they have a place that's just for themselves, whether it's a place, in someone's heart, in life, etc. I'm a social, chatty person, but I've realized the value of feeling at home especially since my mind is so neurotic. It has a grounding effect for me. I feel differently now that I'm conscious of my reaction to being in my own room. It's true that I don't necessarily "like" the idea that my room is my sanctuary because of the bigoted idea of what I consider "sanctuary". But I'm over that. My room is my sanctuary.

Lost Friends

In life we gain and lose friends. But it's important to realize that just because you lose some of them, it doesn't mean that they were never our friends at one point. People change and grow. Some people grow with us; some without us. It's unfortunate sometimes. Other times, it's liberating to release yourself from the burdens of a dying or dead friendship. No matter how much you want something, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. That's life. It's neither bleak or beautiful if you strip away the emotions that define or trap us. I'm not suggesting that we approach life in an emotionally disconnected way. I've recently realized the importance of emotional awareness and just feeling anything. But sometimes emotions can cloud and confuse us. It's meant to guide and help us. When it has the opposite effect, I find that there's value to not getting caught in the cobwebs of our emotions. It is what it is. Once you see it for what it is, things become clearer. Be sad. Be happy. Feel. Don't ignore it. Don't deny it. Don't fight it. After all, it is what it is. In life, we gain things and lose things. That is the order of the universe. No matter how much you wish things are different, things are the way they are. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move forward and learn the value of living in the moment.

An Experience I Never Want to Forget

I just went hiking at Eaton Canyon, and it wasn't at all what I expected it to be (not that I had an impression in mind). The waterfall was my favorite, the mountains were earthy, the hiking was calming, and, oh yeah, there was ROCK CLIMBING!!! If you know me, you know I'm not a rock climbing girl. I'm still not, but I couldn't climb up a 20 ft bullshit "rock" at a Farmer's Market. So imagine rock climbing in an area where I can technically die! Plus, I'm a major klutz!

Doing something that's not natural to me isn't a foreign practice, but it was the experience and insight that I gained from it that was incredible, indescribable in many ways. I'm usually overcomplicated and difficult, and I still am. I'm addicted to stress, ruled by stress, and I surrender to stress. I stress unnecessarily because I overthink and fail to live in the moment. I usually cope with stress by eliminating or modifying, basically CONTROLLING, the source of my problem. Or I have a drug addict's mentality. If I can't avoid or change the circumstance, I focus compulsively on another source of stress as a way to not deal with whatever is concerning me at that moment. So I've never had any practice managing my stress. I was told repeatedly and was aware that I need to stop trying to control things, but today was the first time I realized that by surrendering control will I truly be able to relieve myself of the stresses that endlessly burden me.

It was a major stepping stone in my life. I became one with my balance, which used to only occur when I did ballet. And even that required focus and discipline. But then my friend reminded me that life is just a dance. I discovered that I can trust my body to keep me safe, and, more importantly, that it's essential for my emotional well-being to allow my body to take over from time to time. I used to clutch onto living in my own head, even though it was burdensome and damaging because it gave me a sense of control. Having nothing to do with the fact that it was a false sense of control, I realized that surrendering, losing, or even transferring control to someone else can sometimes be one of the best things I can do for myself.

As fearless and daring as I used to be, I was always cautious and paranoid, too. I grew into a fearful, paranoid, stressed person, so consumed by it that time escaped me, and worrying became my life. This reality became shockingly clear to me recently, but I had forgotten what it was like to not be this way...until today. It wasn't so much the activity as much as being put outside of my natural element and going with it that had such a profound effect on me. I'm usually overly informed as a way to soothe my incessant thoughts of unawareness, understanding matters according to my satisfaction, and controlling my environment.

Rock climbing requires you to be less inside your head, become intimate with what you fear instead of dodging it, trusting your instincts, moving around and feeling your surrounding instead of using just your eyes, believing in yourself and your abilities especially the ones unknown to you, managing your stress, and putting your trust into someone else who has gone through this and has something to offer you if you're open to it. This was something I wasn't ready for even a couple weeks ago.

I had plans to go to Eaton Canyon with someone else, but things didn't work out. As saddened and disappointed as I am about that, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm incredibly grateful for not going with him because it would've been a nightmare! I would've freaked out, he would've gotten frustrated and snappy because he can't remedy the problem, our communication barriers would've surfaced into a problematic circumstance, and we would've bounced off of each other's emotions. Today I accepted my fear for what it is without letting it entirely consume me. I realized the drawbacks to being restricted and how uncomfortable it is. It's far more natural and liberating to go with it - use your logic when it's best suited and follow your intuition when that's best suited (listen to your intuition).

For such a dynamic and open-minded person, I can be cripplingly one-sided. I believe in diversity, the value of moderation, and the necessity of balance. Yet my life doesn't reflect my belief system. I'm overly logical until my logic fails me and then I'm emotionally erratic. I'm creatively stifled and deprived, but I I don't expose myself to the world I want to so desperately be a part of. I want to stress less, but my actions lead me toward the very spiral I claim to want to escape. There's "knowing" what you're doing wrong, hearing what you should do to achieve your goals, your empty desires to accomplish them, and then there's the profound experiences that connects you to those desires in such a gripping way that it changes you. That's what I had today.

I went out of my element and really experienced things for the first time. I became enlightened about struggles I've had my entire life and continued to make progress regarding recent discoveries. I always knew that I need to stress less and not overthink so much, but I never knew that I had to learn to live in the moment. I've heard the value articulated, but I never knew it for myself or what living in the moment can bring me - less stress, amplified enjoyment because I would really be experiencing it, contentment, happiness that isn't one-dimensional, peace, clarity, trust in myself, an absence of overwhelming insecurity, and so much more.

I've also never felt so connected to myself before. I recently realized that by being overly objective, I'm disconnected to the people and things around me. I love my friends; they know that, but in some ways, they'll never know how much they mean to me. Since I'm not close with my family, they're my family. Not all of them know how meaningful and important they are to me. Even I'm not. It's come to my attention that I project myself onto others and want to be significant in other people's lives because people, my friends, don't mean that much to me. This isn't because I have little care for them, but because I'm emotionally disconnected, I don't care for them the way an emotionally-functional person should. As sad as this sounds, the word compassion fills me with emotions I've never felt before until I came to this realization, which was just a couple days ago. That's how emotionally deficient I've been, and I wasn't even aware of it.

Now that I'm aware of this and becoming more emotionally attuned, things changed. Not only did I trust myself but I projected that trust onto others. For the first time in a long time, my projection, which always existed, transformed into something positive. I trusted my guide, my friend to help me, to be there for me, and to keep me safe. Trust is such a fragile and strong issue that we all battle with. The people who know me know that I'm a trustworthy person and that I trust my friends. I'm not absent of trust. But it's an entirely different experience to show that and in such a terrifying experience! I used to treat trust with a cerebral approach. I listened and observed in order to trust, but I've never felt it before. Thank you so much for what you did for me. And I don't just mean putting up with me but also being patient and tolerant with me, keeping me grounded, distracting and focusing me simultaneously, helping me, and just being there for me. "People come into your life for a Reason, Season, and sometimes a Lifetime to make you the person you are today"

This journey was so intense. It was new and exciting, invigorating, unexpected, balanced, mentally challenging, unnatural, dynamic, exhilarating, liberating, trusting, enlightening, profound, meaningful, life changing, stressful, terrifying, and just amazing. I can honestly say that this day will go down as one of the best days of my life. It wasn't the most glamorous of days. I hiked in a pair of jeans and went into the waterfall. I moved awkwardly and panicked. But I made discoveries and had profound experiences that are going to change me into the person I want to become, the person I'm meant to be. When you achieve something that you've always wanted to accomplish, it's incredible. That's what this was.

For better or worse, I've always been me. I'm paradoxical and intense. I'm the kind of person that not everyone likes, but that's okay because I love the people I attract into my life. I don't want to surround myself with people who don't want me in their lives. I'm still difficult, but I've softened in my ways, which is both good and bad. I feel like these changes occurred rapidly because it was preparing me for what's to come. I was being submissive, silenced, weak, a target. I "needed" to be that person at that time because of where I was in life in order to sustain that environment. It may have began as a mask, but when you wear a mask long enough, it stops becoming a mask and who you are. I started progressing down that road, and I realized that I didn't like who I was becoming. I was fake, either out of deliberate necessity or out of fear and subsequently being someone I'm not. I lost someone special to me because I was being someone I'm not. I didn't trust myself, so I lashed out at him. He liked me for who I am, and he lost interest in me because of how I was acting. Being someone I'm not has only brought failure and misery into my life.

I'm over hating who I'm becoming, though. So I'm going back to being myself, authentic. I'm who I am, regardless of how other people perceive me. Another valuable lesson I recently learned is that I don't always have to explain myself, and I shouldn't because by indulging in that I'm unable to be comfortable in my own skin. How can I grow into being a comfortable and confident person if I'm conditioning myself in that way? Part of being authentic is changing as I change and accepting myself for who I am. I'm a girl, but I'm one of the guys. Most of my friends are guys, and I connect more with guys. I love the people I attract and the friendships I form, and they develop because of who I am. It would be nice if I was seen as more than just a guy, though. Every once in a while, it would be nice if someone said, "you're pretty." I feel like who I am is ingrained so deeply within me that not even random guys come up and hit on me because of the energy I give off. That's a little depressing, but it bothers me less now because I'm focusing on the other aspects. Plus, it didn't hurt that I was complimented by a carful of guys.

I had a life changing experience. I became more connected to who I am and discovered a lot about myself. I trusted myself. I tried something new. I realized what I need to do to relieve myself of stressful burdens. I took the first step to achieving that goal. I saw nature differently. I've entered a new chapter in my life. I made some new friends. Some things changed for me, and some things didn't. I managed to neutralize or overcome my incessant thoughts that normally bombard me, well a little bit. Baby steps!

The people I bonded the most with, my friends, are guys. They talked openly like I wasn't there and wasn't a girl. The guys were all fake gay flirty, which is just such a signature friend trait for me. I actually feel closer with guys when I see them do that. It's because so many friendships I've developed possess that, so I have this positive association to it. It's like when you smell fresh pastries, and it reminds you of your childhood. It's comforting. We had some good laughs, too, such as losing my rock climbing virginity experience.

That rock fucked me in more ways than one. Damn, that rock was fucking hard and erect. It was painful as it always is for the first time. I got hurt and was even bleeding. I didn't know what I was doing and needed guidance. I needed to slow down and have a gentler experience. I got sandwiched. I didn't know how to spread my legs. I didn't know what to do with my hands. My hands were sweating, and I was nervous. It was an exhilarating experience that I'll never forget. It made me want to come back for more. I talked about it for a while after the experience, and I'm still thinking about it. It made me scream. It was a major stress reliever.

Oh yeah, and I wasn't a klutz during the rock climbing or anything dangerous. But as we were leaving, I slipped and fell on a rock on my ass. I also walked my head into the top of the car. It's like I suppressed my clumsiness during the dangerous parts, and once it was over, it came back! It wouldn't be a signature me experience without something ironic like that, though, right?

Confidence is Sexy

I was talking to my friend about dating, relationships, asking people out, and things within that context. I was stunned to discover by my ex-boyfriend, no less, who became my wingman (it just gets weirder as the relationship evolves - friends, ex, wingman, who knows what else) that "Do you want to go out for coffee?" is code for asking someone out on a date. I've been asked that before, but I respond with I don't like coffee. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to spending time with the guy, but I prefer tea. The guy usually goes away before I can get to that part of the conversation. I don't agree with this method, but I think it's important to be aware of it. Had I have known what it meant, I would've responded differently.

My friend thought that coffee was too casual. None of us like the indirect approach. We began talking about different methods some people use. Another friend of mine wrote a note to a girl in class and successfully scored a date. It's apparently about using the right approach for the right girl. This girl was flattered by the idea that my friend took such measures and felt important. I, however, won't be impressed by a guy who can't bring himself to talk to me. I'm a communicator. That's how I interact. Besides, I'm not going to agree to a date with a guy who's voice I haven't even heard who's in the same class as me! My friend also agreed that that approach doesn't feel right. And I think he put it beautifully. Confidence is sexy.

Confidence is sexy. I never made the connection before, but it feels like I always knew this. Some of the time I consider myself attractive. In fact, I know that if I wasn't so insecure, I would confidently describe myself as attractive. I'm tired of feeling guilty about seeing myself as pretty because there are other girls who are hotter than me. It's a stupid, unacceptable, and unhealthy reason to not embrace my beauty.

Even at my most beautiful (in my eyes), I've never considered myself sexy. I consider myself a sexual person, but I've never felt sexy. I have, but I'm working towards changing this towards I had, this impression that 'm not sexy, that I can't be sexy, because my boobs are tiny, I'm tiny, and I have no booty. I'm not usually such a bigoted person except when it comes to limiting myself.

Guys have called me sexy and the few who've seen the sexual side of me consider me to be a very sexual person. It almost seems inconsistent to be sexual and not sexy, but it's beginning to make sense. Confidence is sexy, and I'm not a confident person. Then again, some people perceive me as a confident person because of how I present myself. I used to be a ballet dancer who was criticized repeatedly for not lifting my head up. I became good at lifting my head up and having good posture. That exudes confidence, but it's only an impression, not a reality.

For some idiotic reason, I couldn't bring myself to put my head on my friend's shoulder even though we both wanted that. I only got close to him when he got close to me. I was a lot more confident when I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I'm confident of myself as a friend but not as something more. That insecurity is poison that isn't just toxic to me but to the people around me. I never fully understood this before. I want this for myself but also for the people around me. I only appear confident to people who don't know me, really know me. I appear confident to my friends. I appear confident to guys I've been with who I eventually trust after a very long time and begin feeling secure about myself but only through his eyes. I want this for myself. Now that I understand what sexy is, I believe I can someday achieve it. I look forward to it.

Living in the Moment #2

He'll never know how much he did for me. As far as he knows, as far as he feels, I just hurt him, and I was never satisfied with who he is. I wish there was a way to let him, to show him how wrong I was, how wrong he is. Something I've struggled my entire life finally penetrated me within a one month period of being with him, the way he opened up to me.

I've always been in my head. I let my past weigh me down and my future interfere with my ability to enjoy the here and now. I never really realized it, though. I was too busy focusing on the future that that was my present. I never opened my eyes to what's really here now, ever...until now. For that I thank him. I heard people talk about the value of living in the moment, but I never saw the appeal because I never saw what the present offered until someone showed me. By embracing it, life is more enjoyable. It made me more aware and dynamic. For someone so open-minded, I never realized how closed off I really was, still really am, but I'm working on it.

Living in the moment reduces my stress load significantly. It used to frustrate and upset me when people told me to stop stressing. It was condescending and annoying because I didn't know how to control it. Without providing instructions, it's just a giant reminder of my inability to do something that shouldn't be difficult to perform. I stress about the unknown. If I don't focus on it, it helps profoundly. It also neutralizes my stress appetite.

I also overthink a lot. It's another source of my stress, and it enables me to not deal with the present. That last sentence is enlightening, and I didn't realize it until I just typed it out. I believe my environment contributed to my future forethought thinking mentality, but I sustained it because it allowed me to escape where I was at the time. It was a safety mechanism that kept me intact, but it no longer serves a beneficial purpose. I have to let it go.

Overthinking prevents me from seeing what's in front of me. I can't focus because of it. It's a vicious cycle. I'm unable to learn productively because of it. I keep reviewing, reviewing, and reviewing that I'm not learning. That result stresses me. It surfaces and sustains my paranoia and insecurities, too. I'm objective enough that I don't need my paranoia to keep me sharp, but that's how I crutch on it. Overthinking protects me, but it also damages me. More importantly, it damages the people around me. I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on my paranoia to do it for me. It's the only way for me to find peace and learn from my mistakes.

Live in the moment

25% of my Senses

I've been described as being overly logical. I can even argue that it was dangerously logical and emotionally disconnected, but I didn't see it that way because my behavior appeared so paradoxical. For such an overly logical person, I could act really emotionally irrational. As it turns out, I was overly logical until my emotion failed me. I never realized how detrimental it was to my well-being.

Being overly logical was a security measure to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. But no amount of protective barrier can prevent emotions from entering. Since I resisted so much and had so little practice managing it, I was unable to cope with it. It felt unbearable, not because it was but because of my perception and limited exposure and experience with it. Instead of experiencing all of it, the pain and the love, I continued to ignore the emotions and feelings until they weighed my logic down. I'd have panic attacks, struggle, take sedatives if I had any, and repeat the entire process. It was bad, but I never realized how much because this is all that I knew, all that I experienced. Some changes in my life forced a different approach on me.

I broke up with my long time six year boyfriend. It was one of the most natural, easy, and most difficult changes I've endured in my life. Before him I never escaped danger because that's where I lived. It's painful but natural to be thick-skinned and be used to the environment you're in no matter how hard it is. I never learned to sense and protect myself from it, which is rare and it made me feel left out. But I didn't concern myself with it. I was just glad to be protected from it. I no longer had that.

It's amazing how astute our intuition is in action if you let your body take over. It was intoxicating and liberating. It made me realize how suffocated I was before without even knowing it. I was drowning a part of me, and I had no idea. It's like waking up and realizing that you've only been using 25% of your senses your entire life. It's an enlightening and profound experience, but it's also terrifying in ways I can't express.

Every doubt and fear became amplified. My logic was no longer able to silence those insecurities like they once did. My fears felt equally real as the truth. How can both be true? I was too busy asking myself that that I didn't answer the question, which is that it can't be. So, which one is the truth and which one is the lie? Had I have asked myself that, things would've turned out differently. But I was too busy allowing myself to be overpowered to see things for the way they really are. Humans are emotional creatures who possess intellect, not the other way around.

Second Chances

I made a mistake, one that I honestly think I could quite possibly regret for the rest of my life. The idea of looking back years later, saddened by how badly I sabotaged things is depressing. I was never one to believe in second chances. I've always been ruthlessly critical. In fact, that was my demise in this relationship. But I finally get it. I used to think that people never deserved second chances, which is why I never gave them one. But the people who should be given second chances are rarely the ones that deserve it, which is why they should be offered that opportunity. I'm not saying that I deserve it. I can't make that call because it's not my place. But I am becoming more open-minded, aware, and compassionate. I feel bad that it required a self-invested interest for me to understand it. But rather than waste my energy feeling guilty, I'd rather learn from this lesson.

Live in the moment. I don't always have to explain myself. As desirable as it is at times, only by learning this lesson will I be comfortable in my own skin. So long as I explain myself to others when it's not necessary, regardless of my motives, it prevents me from being comfortable with myself. After all, how can I be comfortable in my own skin if I'm constantly defending myself? For someone who never cared about what other people think of me, I made a lot of effort to portray a certain image according to my standard. As it turns out, I'm not concerned with what people think of me. So, why is it that I've never been comfortable in my own skin? Because I'm overly concerned with what I think of myself to a ruthless standard. I never realized the damage and implication it has on the people I care about. I project this standard onto others. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was never aware of what I was doing.

I'm grateful for the lessons he's taught me in ways he'll never understand even if we were still in contact. He's taught me a lot about myself and about life. Here I thought that it was important that I go out with someone who lives on his own so that he can be at the same place I am in life because there are certain experiences you can only gain by being independent. As it turns out, I was the one who needed to gain experiences. I just wish I could've been able to discover all this without hurting him, without losing him. I understand that these things happen and is sometimes necessary, but I'm still saddened by it. I hope I get a second chance with him. At the very least, I hope there's a way for him to find out how I really feel about him.

Living in the Moment

The beauty and sadness of living in the moment is that you truly live in the moment for all that it is, all of it and nothing else. By living exactly in the moment you get to experience and feel everything. It's intoxicating. By not concerning yourself with the consequences, future fears, or past torments, there are no burdens hindering you, nothing but an exhilarating moment waiting to be experienced for all that it is. And yet the pain about living in the moment is that as fulfilling as it is at that moment, when it passes, it's gone. That's it. No looking back. It makes it easier to be taken over by your emotions if you're willing to surrender. But if you're not, then you're forever hiding in the shadows right next to the moment, envious, bitter, and too shy to embrace all that it can offer you until it leaves. Nothing left but a dead carcass at the end. That is why every moment should be lived to the fullest in that exact moment and time because as quickly as it came, it can be gone. Live in the moment. Each one is given for a reason except to ignore it. Embrace it. Live it. Experience it.

Not All Good People Are Meant to be Your Friends

I’m fortunate enough to know a lot of great people, but there are flaws in everyone. That doesn’t mean that you should lose all ties with them, but I’ve come to the realization that not all good people are meant to be or even should be your friends. Some people just bring out the worst in you for whatever reason, intentional or otherwise. Some people complain and complain and complain. I would know because I’m one of them. I worry how it can become contagious and how it can affect others but more importantly, the kind of negative impact it can have on my outlook in life. So I try to be conscientious of my behavior, but not everyone is like that. Sometimes I meet some great people who have good hearts, but I find that they depress me with their constant complaints and negative approach and lifestyle. That perspective permeates my views like poison. That’s not how I want to live in my life. My mood reflects my environment, so as much as possible, I want to expose it to the healthier aspects of life. You can’t change people. So you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences of having people like that in your life and the potential results it can have on you. And sometimes the answer is no. I’m unwilling to let others poison me. It’s a decision I have to live with. It’s unfortunate sometimes as I’m closing the door to one thing, but the door it’s opening or allowing to remain open exceeds any menial benefits the alternatives may offer. This is something, I believe, we all struggle with. And when your time comes, really examine your life and the others who are a part of it. This may sound selfish, but think about yourself first. People will always come in and out of your life, but you can never escape yourself. So be sure to evolve into the kind of person you can respect and admire.