The Quote that Truly Touched Me

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I used to do things that made people describe me as daring and impulsive, but the truth is that I'm a VERY good planner. I even plan things that appear spontaneous. I'm always blabbing that I think people fail to realize that it's usually my idea to do something completely insane! As long as it's on my terms and I plan for EVERYTHING, I'm okay with it.

I never actually realized how closed off I am before until someone brought it to my attention. He's a really guarded person, so it really opened my eyes to how I really am. I'm not that good at reading people, so I never really understood any of this before. I just thought I did. When AJ became less guarded around me, I didn't really notice until I was told so. I never noticed before that he was guarded until I saw the contrast. I'm so different from him that I would've never guessed that I had my own version of guardedness. I never really knew that different kinds of guardedness existed, although it makes sense that it does.

I know that how I feel for the most part is transparent because of how people react around me and the comments they make towards me. That led me to believe that I'm an open person, but that's not true. I can't contain how I feel; I don't know how to. As a result, it becomes exposed. There aren't too many things I know how to hold in, but those things I never really reveal. I'm a guarded, closed-off person by nature but not an ability I've learned to harness like AJ's.

The first time I've ever felt exposed and vulnerable, my emotions poured out of me but not by choice. I tried to hold in as much as I can for fears I can't even articulate or even perceive. I pushed away the one first person who was exposing me to who I am, the raw truth I didnt' even know I was hiding from myself. In my mind even though I never really admitted it to myself and even though this is the "truth" I was willing to share with myself, I kept fearing that I would be rejected for what I want, how I feel, and who I am. But the real truth is that I feared being accepted for what I want, how I feel, and who I am.

I've never been comfortable outside of my natural element. I like being in control, feeling in control, being able to call the shots, all the unhealthy desires that cling to us for all of the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to be pushed into a direction you're afraid of going in order to acheive something great. Sometimes you need an external force to make that happen. I was so afraid of taking that step, but I withdrew completely until that force and everything about it disappeared. All I could think when it was there was how I wanted to escape. Now that it's gone, I realized how wrong I was. In retrospect, it makes no sense that I was afraid. But without that experience, I would've never believed it. That's why this quote touched me so much.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

~Thanks for sharing this quote. It's one thing to have an experience and remember it, but it's another thing when you find a quote that encompasses how you feel. There's something about a written manifestation of it that makes it more real.