So Effing Freaked Out

So I'd like to begin by saying that facebook is a royal screw-up or apparently more "meaningful" than myspace is. Everyone says that facebook is where all the meaningful stuff happens. So it was a divine intervention? Yeah right! It's just another example of my insane luck and tech hiccups.

I sent and did successfully send a ridiculously extensive email to my friend, Kristina. It was so long that I had to break the email down into four parts! Mind you I have never been brief (not that anyone needs any convincing especially the parties involved), but this was insane. What was it about you ask? Ehhhhhh.....a guy. Surprising, right? Not because I usually rant about guys like this but because of course the source of the subject (guy) somehow managed to receive the exact same set of emails which should've been sent only to Kristina. And according to my sent messages, it was. So what the hell happened? It was certainly sent to him!

I'm freaked out, panicked, a little manic.....I mean everything is exposed now. I feel like I don't have the energy or focus to distribute my stress about how facebook totally screwed me over because here's what I'm worried about. I tend to obsess. It's sort of a hobby of mine. I'm also an excessive and detailed person, so I tend to elaborate a lot. I think it makes people think that they mean more to mean than they actually do, which isn't to say that I don't care. But how I perceive them appears more amplified because of the way and extent that I express myself. What a fucking ego struck it must be. It's so fucking crazy how this turned out because according to my sent messages, it was only sent to Kristina.

I was on the phone with my friend, Jason, when I realized this. He thought I was hyperventilating. Being who I am (seeking external sources for solutions and knowledge that exist within me), I talked his ear off when I believe that I actually have the answer all along. I'm just afraid to admit it, so I'm seeking confirmation but from a source that can't reject me. I feel guilty considering myself attractive, which is something I need to work on because my insecurity affects the people around me. I'm never going to trust a guy if I don't think I'm worth it, and I honestly do believe I am. So why I am like this? I have no idea!

A major solution to this is that I have to learn to trust myself. I have to trust that I know what I'm talking about when a very muted, silent but present voice tells me that I'm attractive and I'm worth it. Once I do that, I'll be able to trust myself. When I learn to do that, I'll be able to see the truth that's right in front of me. That's important, to be able to see and know what's going on.

My entire life I've been emotionally-disconnected, and I've only recently let my emotions flow. So I'm on overdrive because I feel like I've only been using 25% of my senses my entire life. Had I have started dealing with emotions, I'd probably manage them better now. But I am where I am now. Where am I? At a place where I've discovered that when I don't indulge in my OCD, I have manic behaviors. It turns out that I was always a lot more emotional than I've allowed myself to be because of my behavioral pattern. This is both good and bad because I'm dealing with all of who I am.

I can't go on denying that another side of me exists. The last guy I was with really affected me because he was the first guy I felt that I could fall in love with. I told myself that I feared I couldn't trust him, but the truth is that I feared that I could trust him. If I let myself trust him I would become even more emotionally vulnerable. I was terrified by the idea of that. On some level I preferred to not face it, but now I've realized that I'm more terrified of not experiencing that. I'm not saying that I want it now, but I'm saying that I'm willing to be emotionally open, to be receptive and not hide a part of who I am.

Do I still have feelings for him? Yes. Do I want to be with him? No. The part of who I was wanted to be with him. But the more I've changed, the less interested I became in being with him. Before this, though, my friend suggested that I start dating. I was shocked because it doesn't sound like advice that would come from her. Dating isn't my thing. I don't like the idea of casually going out with multiple guys. But I'm glad I considered it because it made me realize that it would be another form of my drug addict's mentality. I would basically not be working through my feelings. I think that by drowning myself in work and distraction, it stifled the process of getting over him and I was stuck in the past because it resonated. Had I dealt with it earlier, I probably would've purged earlier.

The crazy thing is that I would've never been interested in who I'm interested in now if it wasn't for my ex. At first I remember thinking that if I was over my ex, I'd be into him. At some point it eventually happened but not in a he distracted me sort of way. I think I just changed to the point that it happened. The paranoid side of me is thinking that he's going to think I'm writing this on purpose, but that wouldn't be giving him much respect. Besides I'm so exposed now, what's the point?

The real me wouldn't have sent that email and for the record didn't. Part 4 wasn't meant for you, either. But now that it's happened, I'm so the type of person who would write this note. So here I am further digging my own grave. It's important that I trust myself because if I did, I would know that he does like me, too, and I wouldn't waste my time wondering what he meant by "pretty accurate info above." Yet I feel guilty and wrong about the idea of feeling this way. I don't want that. So much for being an emotionally-disconnected pisces...

I worry that his predisposition about astrological compatibility might have more of an influence than it should. I dwelled on superficial reasons why my ex and I were incompatible, but the reasons those incompatibility usually cause trouble didn't exist with us except when I manifested them because I believed in the incompatible profile. There's something about foreseeing failure that brings it to life. I think that's what surfaces and keeps self-sabotage alive. How would you react to a person if you didn't know or believe any of that? Would you focus on the "incompatibilities" that would probably amplify it, which could end in failure, or would not focusing on it alter the outcome? How would you react if you knew nothing?

There's still a voice in me that says that I'm wasting my time putting thought into this because he may not even care. There's always that possibility, but I shouldn't pretend that my mind isn't racing, either. I can't determine my actions based on what others may or may not be feeling and how they may or may not perceive me. Well I guess I can and I have for most of my life. It doesn't work. So now I'm just effing freaking out! ^_^