I Don't Want to Crash

Just recently, on Thursday, I got incredibly sick. Fortunately, I recovered quickly, but I got incredibly sick. I had sun poison, allergies, a fever, nerve pain, and an ocular migraine all rolled into one. I just had a conversation with my friend who told me to be careful and slow down because I don't want to crash. Everything's just been weighing down on me, and I guess the stress finally hit me. I bounced back quickly, but I'm a lot more sluggish now.

I've always considered myself a good person, but I've began evolving. I'm less self-involved now, even though I have a lot more to work on. I'm able to help the people around me, and it's an amazing feeling. It's a reflection of who I am, the fact that people come to me to open up and seek advice. It's me who helps them, so they return. I love that feeling, knowing that I've helped them, knowing that I can help them. But lately I feel like as I help others, a part of me dies.

I bring the people around me closer to their goals, their dreams, and that's amazing. But it seems like I can help everyone around me except myself. Why is that? How does that work? How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I do help myself when I help others. It's altruistically satisfying, but I feel like I don't have any me moments or me successes.

I started living and working in an environment that require me to help others. It sort of took form in me. I'm so busy doing that that I have no time for anything else. I hate it when I hear people say that they have no time to clean or crap like that. If you don't have time, make time! It's not that I don't have time, but I have no interest in making my goals and dreams a reality anymore. I invest so much energy into others that I'm exhausted, which is ironic with this move coming up. I have friends who are putting in the effort to help me out, and all I can do is trip out because I'm not feeling self-fulfilled.

I got evicted. Money issues are arising. School is a constant conflict in my life. I'm emotionally-drained and numb from feeling everything. I feel overworked and dead inside. I recently had a good talk with my friend who had this heartfelt message for me. He was seriously concerned about me and reminded me that I don't want to crash. I have to find a way to calm down and stress less because I'm going to get sick, look weak, and feel defeated. Just being exposed to it, he knows that I don't want to live that life. I'm living a lot closer to it than I realize is what I'm sensing from the talk I had with him. He doesn't want that for me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't want that for me more than I do, and it's my life. This should be way more important to me than in him, but I can't help it! I'm too tired. But that's the point. I have to change my life around, so I will care. After all, I don't want to crash.

Even Though I Hate it Here

Even though I hate it here and I was counting down the days I can finally escape this place, it's still all I had. As disgusted as I am by this place, I made a home out of it. Armen once told me that I open up more in my room than anywhere else. I wasn't aware of how comfortable I became in my own room. It was my place. It belonged to me. I've never had something like that before. Now, in one fell swoop, it was stripped away from me.

I've finally reached a point in my life where I was willing to absolve some control. The next thing I know something was taken away from me, completely out of my control. I do believe that surrendering control is going to have a profound affect on my overall well-being, but everything I'm experiencing makes me feel otherwise. It's hard to do the right thing when the "right thing" is nothing more than a feeling, something intangible. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I don't even have time to hang on. All I can do is fumble around in the tornado because there's too much to do.

I don't have time to panic, to protect myself, to keep myself safe. I have so much to do. I have to pack. I have to pack. I have to work. I have to work. I have to help. I have to organize. Sleep and food has become a luxury of the past. I can't remember the last time I haven't had a headache echoing in the background. I don't have time for allergies or sun poison.

I'm too busy for everything, which is precisely why I have to find the time. But how do you find time that you don't have? It's more important than ever to find peace, to feel like I belong somewhere, anywhere, to be at home. I feel like every time I begin to make progress or gain new insights that can bring about change, something gets in the way. It's stupid that at age 25 is when I discovered the value of opening up to others, how important it is for me to have people in my life and not keep them at a distance. It's made me realize how I have to do things for myself. 25 fucking years, I didn't know this. I finally learned something huge and extremely late in life, I know. But I can't do anything with it.

I didn't know it at the time, but getting laid off was my first vacation, a break. I'm never able to live in the moment because I don't have moments to spare. I'm too busy allocating it towards something else, anything but me. I haven't been living in the moment, and it keeps escaping me. I don't know how to slow down. It sounds stupid, and it makes my friends laugh sometimes, but it's true. And it's not funny. I have to learn because I don't want to crash and burn. I'm t ired of my life and the drama in it. The most laid back person I know told me that he can tell I have drama in my life; he could hear it in my voice. It makes me want to distance myself from him because I don't want to contaminate his life. It must be nice to have a private, quiet life. I wouldn't know. I hope someday I will.