Writing is my First Love, Always

Writing is my first love, always
Pen in my hand
A blank canvas in front of me
Ready to be imprinted with my thoughts
My mind so full of randomness and an explosion of feelings
Unable to conceive any insights or gain knowledge from the intensity
Until the ink bleeds into the paper
Words fill the space
A calmness takes over
A sense of fulfillment is achieved
And I am expressed through writing
My first love, always

A Contrast in Comfort

I hate where I live. It's disgusting, moldy, suffocating, and unsafe. But I've become tolerant or, more accurately, adapted to this environment, which is awful and should be unacceptable. I'm okay in confined spaces, so I never realize how detrimental it is for my well-being to stay hidden in my room. I'm in such a constant state of stress that I seem to not realize when I should be unwinding. A contrast usually has to exist in order for me to recognize it.

Recently I've realized how much I truly hate where I live. I express how awful it is through empty words that can never truly encompass the actual experience, but I've experienced a significant contrast in comfort. For the past two consecutive days, I've stayed at, my friend's place during the day and took a shower there. What a difference it makes!

It's such a beautiful home. I personally wouldn't live there because it isn't me, but I think that allows me to appreciate it more. I have realized, though, that since I've changed, I would incorporate some of the features that exist in his house. That would've never been the case even last year! There are huge windows that allow natural light to shoot through. The bathroom has bright white curtains and huge windows that fill up the space of the wall. It's very much a minimalist's home. There's this amazing art piece. It's this intense orangish-red called the Ring of Fire. It looks like a C-shape. There's a small green tree that's growing as the fire's nearing it. But I see it as the tree's life is so powerful that it's blowing the fire away. Some people see it as the fire is destroying the tree. The flames are moving away! I love what it represents and that it embodies his mission and his universal philosophy.

I love my taste in artwork, but it's a lot more one-dimensional compared to who I am. So when I see artwork like that, I just fall in love. Outside he has reclining seats I lounge in and sunbathe in. It's amazing! It's refreshing to shower in such a spacious and clean area. The natural light is therapeutic. But it makes me realize how much I need to move. He once told me that even if I can tolerate something, it doesn't mean that I should. It's so true! The contrast in comfort is both a blessing and a curse. It makes it more difficult and painful to deal with where I live. It's good to get out of your natural element.

A Calmness I Want to Remember

I've been telling my friend that I want to go hiking for a while especially since he told me about a place in Arcadia. I wanted to go there because I had an expectation, a goal I wanted to fulfill. I have a tendency to live in my head, and the incessant thoughts used to comfort me. They still do at times, but they're equally if not more burdensome. I've finally reached a point in my life where I became interested in really changing that. Hiking helps me come closer to that goal except that it isn't a goal, it's something that I work towards maintaining. It's something I'll always have to put effort into.

It's a beautiful area. The drive is fairly long and requires you to pass through mountains. I felt like the overwhelming mountains were preparing my mind and body that I was going to be getting in touch with nature. The city, the street signs, gas stations, other cars, and other landscapes disappear, and all that's left were the mountains. The further you went in, the less cluttered my mind became.

The hiking trail in the beginning went downhill. I felt like it was a perfect spot to go running, rather than running, but the concrete would be killer on the body. The path is incredibly easy to follow. The scenery isn't nearly as picture perfect, but it was authentic to nature. Not everything was bright green, sparkly clean; it was real. There was beauty in that. I would've wanted to move slowly, but my friends, are fast hikers!

Since it was my first time there I was mesmerized. I found a spot where there was a square seating area in front of a waterfall that I would love to sit at and write for hours. The waterfall wasn't even that beautiful, but it was a perfect seating area. At the end there was a beautiful waterfall. It looked like such a romantic spot but not in the pressured sort of way of movies, dinner, or drinks where one might be inclined to portray a certain image. I feel like the nature's calmness reflects in how people interact there.

I felt sort of bad like I was the third wheel de-coupling them by the waterfall. I was actually planning on sitting from afar and enjoying the waterfall there because it was still visible, but he saw me. So I headed over there. He says that I should go to the first waterfall, which I'd like to do in the future. It's experiences that like that make me wish that I had a car. I don't care that I don't have a car when I have to go grocery shopping. I knock down strength training and cardio in a single trip, but the fact that I don't have the opportunity to escape whenever I please is unfortunate. I would love to have the opportunity to spend hours alone with just me, a journal, and a pen. There's something about getting away that clears the mind. It makes me realize how stressed I am. Everyone notices it, but it's a constant state I'm in that I don't even notice it. I woke up with a knot on the back of my left shoulder blade that went away.

It's a versatile hiking spot. Depending on my mood and who I go with, I would do it differently. I can picture myself running that as my endurance builds with friends like Benji. I can also picture myself moving as slowly as a snail and looking at everything possible, taking everything in. I can picture doing that trail alone and safely, slowly. I can also picture doing that with company I know will enjoy it at a slower pace like Cody. I'm usually so extroverted that as much as I enjoy my own company, I usually sacrifice personal time to hang out with others. It's the first time I've wanted to do something alone.

Mostly I want to remember the calmness I experienced. It's not that I necessarily enjoy hiking. I truly enjoy the consequential experience of hiking. When I learned to slow down my mind, I start to feel differently. Even though my vision doesn't actually change, it feels like it does in some way. My head feels floaty, not physically, but it isn't bound to the incessant thoughts that usually bombard me. The more I embrace hiking, the more invigorating the experience, the more floaty I get.

I remember thinking that I don't want to go there too often, which I thought was weird because I would love to feel that way often. But as it turns out, I don't. My body knew before my mind knew. I have an addictive personality, and that's something I want to treat. Going often would be my drug addict's mentality of escaping life's burdens. I don't want that. But I'd like to go once a month. Besides, I'm afraid that if I go too often, I'll speed hike like they do. It's great for them, but I'm desperate to have that floaty feeling.

What I really wanted to do was hang upside down, while I was still in that floaty state. This hiking trail is rigorous and a major endurance builder, but I realized that I wouldn't do it for a physical workout. I want to do it for a mental cleanser. My idea of intense workouts include fast running, intense kickboxing, and indoor cycling with trance and techno blasting. That's the side of me I want to detach from every so often, which is what hiking offers me.

I recently started panicking about something and became even more desperate to go hiking, but I never realized how beneficial it would be. I'm glad I went. I'm experiencing a calmness I want to remember especially since it's starting to decline. I felt it leaving me as I stepped into my apartment. :(