I'm So Over It - Discretion

Being someone I'm not isn't only unnatural, but it completely backfired on me. And why wouldn't it? Co-existence doesn't work if they're opposing forces. I'm not the sweet girl that everyone gets along with and is well-liked, but at least I'm authentic. For most of my life, being who I am has been a struggle and a position I've constantly had to defend because it wasn't the "approved" character for a young girl to have. I've finally reached a point in my life where who I am is accepted and advantageous. So the last thing I should be fucking doing is compromising who I am and portraying a false version of myself. That's what I began doing, and that was the beginning of my downward spiral.

I took a job as a receptionist for a hair salon. As someone who has bad judgment, I fell in love with that place. But once I knew the hidden, ugly, raw truth, I should'vd left that place without ever looking back. Instead I not only stayed, but I developed a chameleon personality as a way to maintain the environment I was exposed to because there was no way that I could've existed outside of my natural element by being who I am. I didn't know I had the ability to do that.

I'm not sure why I did it. It almost felt instinctual and involuntary like I was programmed to behave that way. Actually, I think I do know why I did it. Being who I am came so naturally for me, but it was also such a chore and a futile battle. I struggled with virtually anything and everything that can turn into a conflict. I became tired of always fighting everything I deserved and defending every choice I made. I wanted a break, I needed a break to demonstrate that I can't afford to give up. For some people life is easier. I'm not one of them. If I'm to live my life to the fullest, I have to accept and embrace all of who I am especially the bad. I can't do that if I'm being someone I'm not, which is exactly what I did at the salon.

I was sweet, quiet, reserved, distanced, separated, tolerant, submissive, and the most life-changing of all - a pushover, which is the furthest from who I am. I take crap for nobody! But it was different at the salon. I took crap, and I made it easy for people to give me crap. I practically wore a bull's eye and played a willing victim. When a stylist started bitching because I booked something incorrectly based on how I was trained (not my own fuck up which did happen too), I couldn't tell her to shove her attitude up her ass or re-direct it to the person who trained me incorrectly because it's not my fault I take orders properly and tell her that she's a single-minded, self-centered bitch who's too busy bitching to realize that I scheduled something very specifically because I was instructed to do so, not because I randomly chose it that way! So if it was really important to her that I do things her way that she tell the trainer how I shouldn't do things and show me more fucking respect, so I would have more of an incentive to obey her. She's so fucking stupid. What she wants to achieve isn't going to happen through her behavior.

Obviously that kind of back talk would have gotten me fired, which wouldn't have been so awful. But I guess everything happens for a reason. I took crap from stylists when I didn't deserve it, and I never called them on it, which goes against everything I stand for. I truly believe that you train and condition the people around you. So if you don't want certain behaviors to become a habit, you have to tell them. How else will idiots who think it's okay to act that way are going to know that it isn't? You certainly can't rely on their intellectual assessment to come to that conclusion because then they wouldn't fuck up in the first place.

It's one thing to get bitched at for my mistakes. But it's an entirely different thing when I get bitched at for scheduling a client at the end of the day when she's supposed to be working because she didn't feel like waiting for three hours for her last client to show up. And how the fuck would I know that? As if that wasn't bad enough, she bitched about it FOREVER and totally overused the word, fuck. When I wasn't in the back where I was in a position to hear her bitch, she went to the front to ensure that I would hear her. What a petty immature dumb ass! Every time she went to the bathroom, she would intentionally over-use three towels. So I would have to do more work because she failed to tell me what she wanted. I basically got bitched at for doing my job and enabling her to do hers and ensure that she be compensated for it. How fucked is that?

I got crap and attitude for not wearing a skirt, while the other receptionist wore jeans that were torn and unflattered her flabby ass with a zip-up jacket most people wear when they go jogging. I would argue that my boss was a pervert, and as much as I would like to demonize him, he's just an idiot with an unfair standard imposed on me. Then again, I made it way too easy for him to attack me. Working with idiots enforces an increase in tolerance and a safe distance from their stupidity. What if it's contagious? I showed up 30 minutes early for work usually. So when I arrived on time, my boss had this attitude like I was late because he perceived me as being on time for work only when I was early. Is it my fault that you conditioned yourself to not read time when I'm on shift?

My boss would take money out of the cash drawer without telling me, and I'd panic because I'm short $100. Of course, the only reason why I panicked is because I did my job and counted the money regularly like I was supposed to. I also made the mistake of ignoring the training manual - if the cash drawer is short, G probably took it. He'd also let other people who I've never met go into the cash drawer. How am I supposed to know what's going on? He thought I was being fucked up because he's entitled to that money. Just because I want the cash drawer balanced doesn't mean that I'm censoring him from his money. It's called awareness, accuracy, and communication. I wasn't being a pushy control freak about it, either, which is how I usually am. He's just that special ed. There's just so much more crap that I don't even want to get into. Just trust that it was awful!

When the economy dropped, I asked if my job was secure. I wasn't only lied to when my boss was forced to answer my question, but he even went out of his way to tell me multiple times that he didn't want me to quit and that he considered me a valuable employee, if I got another offer to talk to him first and we'll work something out, and oh yeah, please don't quit. That's a lot of build-up to spit out for someone you ultimately fire! I was hired because the salon manager was leaving. When she regretted her decision and wanted her old job back, that's when I got axed. It's like I had to pay for the consequences of her mistakes and regrets.

I've never wanted anyone in my entire life to receive their karmic consequences more than my asshole former boss and the hidden bitch. G should've never lied to me, but M went along with it. He would've never gone for it without her consent and participation. I hate how she acted all sweet and as though she didn't screw me over. She's the sweet looking one that no one expects this from. I feel like everyone gave my boss crap because it's easy to hate him, while M's likable, but she played a role in this, too. I was told to be conscientious that she's not my friend. So even though she screwed me over that I shouldn't get too upset because she didn't owe me any loyalty. It's not like we were friends. G wasn't my friend, either.

It's true about M, but you don't have to be a friend to be a considerate or good person. I hate the situation it puts me in. I didn't know whether to be livid with her for her blatant inconsideration or deduce that she's an absent-minded, incapable adult who doesn't understand the value of employment because she's a twenty seven year old woman still living with her parents who has no idea what it means to be independent, self-sufficient, and responsible for her own well-being. I hate the mentality it puts me in because it insinuates that you can't be considerate or aware unless you live on your own, and that's insulting. It also creates this superiority complex in my mind. I hate that!

My hours were first cut with the argument that I was making too many errors, which freaked me out during the two seconds I thought it was true! I was told by one of the few stylists whom I actually trust and respect that it was bullshit. It's only because M wants her old job back. Then, G comes in right before closing with the excuse that he wanted to "clean up." I should've been suspicious. He asked to get on the computer, which is how he was able to process my final paycheck. It's like, "Okay, let me help you fire me." WTF!?!?!?! He said, "The other reason why I'm here is because I've decided to let you go. I like you, but it's not a good fit." You like me? Thank God that asshole has no idea the kind of person I am because when a jackass like that says something to you like that, it makes you want to undergo a personality makeover!

The crazy thing is that I could've totally "professionally" bitched him out, and it would've totally been within my right. Anyone who knows me outside of the salon knows I can do it, too. But for some reason, I didn't, which was nuts because I no longer had anything to gain by pretending to be someone else in theory. As it turns out, the next day G calls to tell me that my last two paychecks bounced! What the fuck? So not only did I get unfairly axed because we all know how it really went down, but my paychecks bounced, too?!?!?! Good thing I didn't bitch him out.

I thought I wouldn't want to talk to anyone for a week, but I woke up in a surprisingly not a bad mood. It felt like I cried everything out, and I was experiencing depression "hangover" but in a healthy way. It almost felt like it happened to someone else and ages ago, but that didn't last. This is around the time I became a lot more intuitive, so I started getting this weird feeling before my first phone call from G. I should've known...

I talked to him more once I got fired than when I was working there. He practically went stalker mode, monitoring my every move. I couldn't get to the bank without getting checked up on. Goffered to drop it off my house or at my bank, letting me know that I didn't have to go to the salon. He basically wanted to tell me that I wasn't welcome at the salon without telling me. I didn't want to be there when I was paid to be there. Why would I show up voluntarily? I'm glad that life is over. That paycheck fiasco was such a nightmare.

Then I had an issue with citibank, which I'm not going to bother to get into because I'm tired of typing. I basically had to call my friend, Johnny, who works at citibank for assistance, but I went to voicemail. So my friend, Jeff, who works at Bank of America was the one who was able to help me because that's the bank the salon banks with. How sad is that? I also got into it with Johnny, and it was just this huge thing.

Actually I'm the sad one. I shouldn't have been there long enough to get dicked like that. It was just so easy to stay - free salon services, flexible hours (name one office job that's flexible to a student's schedule?), nearby grocery stores, a fridge I can store groceries in, convenient location, nearby my bank, good pay, and generous overtime. It sounds good, right? Plus playing the tolerant role made tolerating my living situation easier, too. It maintained an unhealthy but easier lifestyle. I finally saw the appeal of submission, but it's not who I am. I appreciate that a lot more now, too. You know what else? I lost 20 fucking pounds because I never had time to eat lunch because it was always so busy! I'm way too thin to be thinning. It worked out for the best.

I don't know why I was hesitant about writing about this crap job. It must be mindless residual consideration that was floating around in the back of my mind associated to the salon because that's where it was born (mindless consideration). I don't owe that place any loyalty. G and M spent a suspicious amount of time before I got axed, too. Why should I care? I'll write whatever I want when I want to. Just because they were shady with me shouldn't mean that I should reciprocate, but I'm not being fucked up. I'm telling a side that G and M prefer stay hidden because they're ashamed of their behavior and deep down now they were fucked up about. That's not my problem, and they should feel bad. But I'm over it. (I think even M's sister who I love knows how wrong it was because I saw her, and I could just sense of compassion and misplaced guilt. It's not on her, though).