I Figured It Out

I was told that I fell in love with him, which seemed like the craziest thing to say. For the first time I was exposed, vulnerable, fragile, and unprotected. Who I am and what I felt wasn't concealed. It took our relationship to a place I never knew existed. He means more to me than he'll ever know. That'll never change. It's because of this that I care so much for him. Do I have feelings for him? Absolutely. I didn't want things to end; I just wasn't ready to deal with my emotions, my feelings. I want to be with him in spite of how I reacted. So I'm still living in the past.

It doesn't mean that I fell in love with him. I had this indescribable sense of calmness, openness, and vulnerability towards him, which made me receptive to what he was teaching me - living in the moment. My friend believes that I was open to it all because I was in love with him. That's why he believes that no one else has ever been successful where he was. I personally think that that undermines the personal transformation I'VE undergone. I wasn't receptive before because I wasn't ready, not because of something external. But I do believe that I've been lying, hiding the truth from myself.

What my friend picked up on wasn't feelings I have for him now but feelings I couldn't had for him. I felt its presence, and it seemed paradoxically natural but out of place. That's because I believe those feelings weren't meant to be there yet. But they were, which made everything intense and confusing. I felt everything and so much of it all at the same time. It was emotional sensory overload. I've never been good at handling everything at once, but that's because I try to reject some of it. It doesn't work that way.

In retrospect, I should've known this. I kept saying he's not the one, he's not the one. Even I know he's not the one. Who was I trying to convince saying it over and over? I kept repeating myself not because I believed it (quite the opposite), but as one of my methods to reject what I was feeling. The truth is I think I knew he was the one, the one I could've fallen in love with. That means even more exposure and vulnerability. That's a frightening idea. I couldn't handle it.

To a certain degree I believed it when I told myself that I knew he wasn't the one. Having a bigoted idea of what that meant made it morebelievable, too. He's so different and not my usual type. He's the last person you'd expect me with. So there was an element of believability, although it wasn't very powerful. After all I needed to keep reminding myself that he wasn't the one.

There was an internal conflict going on because I felt what I felt and knew what I knew. The two concepts don't merge. That's because I was so closed-minded. I have this perceived notion of how things are. Here I thought I was so open-minded when in reality I suffer from the same social conditionings that limit so many others. Mine is more damaging than I realized. It sabotaged me from taking a chance to be with someone, I mean really be with someone who changed my life because he was the one.