Even Though I Hate it Here

Even though I hate it here and I was counting down the days I can finally escape this place, it's still all I had. As disgusted as I am by this place, I made a home out of it. Armen once told me that I open up more in my room than anywhere else. I wasn't aware of how comfortable I became in my own room. It was my place. It belonged to me. I've never had something like that before. Now, in one fell swoop, it was stripped away from me.

I've finally reached a point in my life where I was willing to absolve some control. The next thing I know something was taken away from me, completely out of my control. I do believe that surrendering control is going to have a profound affect on my overall well-being, but everything I'm experiencing makes me feel otherwise. It's hard to do the right thing when the "right thing" is nothing more than a feeling, something intangible. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I don't even have time to hang on. All I can do is fumble around in the tornado because there's too much to do.

I don't have time to panic, to protect myself, to keep myself safe. I have so much to do. I have to pack. I have to pack. I have to work. I have to work. I have to help. I have to organize. Sleep and food has become a luxury of the past. I can't remember the last time I haven't had a headache echoing in the background. I don't have time for allergies or sun poison.

I'm too busy for everything, which is precisely why I have to find the time. But how do you find time that you don't have? It's more important than ever to find peace, to feel like I belong somewhere, anywhere, to be at home. I feel like every time I begin to make progress or gain new insights that can bring about change, something gets in the way. It's stupid that at age 25 is when I discovered the value of opening up to others, how important it is for me to have people in my life and not keep them at a distance. It's made me realize how I have to do things for myself. 25 fucking years, I didn't know this. I finally learned something huge and extremely late in life, I know. But I can't do anything with it.

I didn't know it at the time, but getting laid off was my first vacation, a break. I'm never able to live in the moment because I don't have moments to spare. I'm too busy allocating it towards something else, anything but me. I haven't been living in the moment, and it keeps escaping me. I don't know how to slow down. It sounds stupid, and it makes my friends laugh sometimes, but it's true. And it's not funny. I have to learn because I don't want to crash and burn. I'm t ired of my life and the drama in it. The most laid back person I know told me that he can tell I have drama in my life; he could hear it in my voice. It makes me want to distance myself from him because I don't want to contaminate his life. It must be nice to have a private, quiet life. I wouldn't know. I hope someday I will.