The Root of my OCD

I was actually having an intriguing conversation with my cousin about our OCD. I used to consider it mild, but that's not accurate. There are people who are worse than me, but it has the ability to consume me. I've touched on it lightly in my past notes, but I feel like I have more elaborate insight after bonding with her. My OCD manifests in repetition and exactness. I have a particular interest in things going exactly where I believe they should be; it's a control issue, which makes sense considering how my life is. Everything's chaotic, unpredictable, full of drama, and it feels like so much spirals out of control. I have to do something to give me a sense of control and stability. The rigidity also makes tolerating the unexpectedness that occurs in my life and the stress that follows more challenging, but it still offers a false sense of security and placement. I, either, have to learn how to move with the changes and flows of my life like water or find ways to manage with the constant change. I think OCD has been the second coping mechanism for my life, and it's failed me. The idea of adapting when I've lived life so rigidly makes me feel like it's implausible, but I could say that about a lot of changes I've made recently.

You can't remove an obsession; you have to replace it. But that isn't to say that you can't channel it differently and alter the concentration or variation of it. People who do repetitive tasks apparently do it because it calms them from the thoughts and feelings they experience. My OCD almost acts as a way for me to not deal with my emotions, which explains why I started developing manic tendencies as I indulged less in my OCD. The only way I feel I can manage this productively is by relying less on my OCD. By practicing and exposing myself to the unpredictabilities of life, I'll do a better job accepting and adapting to what happens to me. That should help me emotionally, too. But the only way to help myself emotionally is by exposing myself to it, something I've spent so long avoiding. As I become better at dealing with it, I'll hopefully stabilize.

I don't want to rid myself of my OCD, which is good because I can't even if I wanted to. But I don't want it to control me. I want to channel it to my benefit. It could be used wisely, and it's a part of who I am. I don't want to get rid of that, but I want to better myself as a person, too. The key is to understanding the root of my OCD. Thanks for the insights, lil cousin!

The Pressures of Stress and Defining Moments

I was asked to write an article about a close and personal friend of mine. I was experiencing a mixed sense of flattery and terrified thoughts, to be honored and entrusted with something so powerful and emotional, it's indescribable. I've always referred to myself as a writer. And for most of my life, I believed that. I still do. But just as everyone starts to question themselves and their abilities, I've started to do the same. I've always known I wanted to become a writer for so long. It's easy for my mind to play tricks on me. As a child, you don't really know any better. Wanting something so passionately as a child and growing into it can blind a person to the ugly truth that'll expose the light on the harsh reality that it's nothing more than an unattainable dream. Do I honestly think that this applies to me? Normally, no. But the fact that these fears have an element of truth to them makes it all the more frightening.

My friend's a beautiful writer. In many ways, he's a writer at heart that I could never become because he's an introvert. I believe that the best writers are introverts. I think I'm a writer, but I'm far from an introvert. I have the skills and talents of an introvert, but I'm an extrovert. I basically travel into a world I don't belong in, which isn't to say that I'm not meant to be there, but there will always be some level of disconnect. I worry that I can't do him justice because my writing will never be as eloquent as his.

I'm starting to realize how flawed my perspective is. For someone who doesn't care much about what others think of me, I'm desperate that people remember me in the accurate way I try to depict myself. That's very paradoxical and doesn't make much sense. I want to be remembered for who I am. For the people who don't know me, know the real me, how they perceive me means very little to me. Yet I'm desperate to be different and stand out.

Recently I've realized that wanting so desperately to stand out censors me from doing what I want because it runs the risk of me not standing out. A lot of it stems from the insecurities I possess. It's interesting how other people can see my talent when I can barely notice it myself. And it's supposedly something I possess. I wonder how much of my friend's trust has to do with how much he trusts me as a person or my skills as a writer.

I was told by a wise classmate of mine once that there are different types of writers just as there are different types of singers. Some singers do opera and others do jazz. They're both equally talented, but their styles are different. What she said really affected and resonated in me. It's something I need to remember on an active level especially since I feel like my writing is inferior compared to my friend's. I don't want to feel that way for my well-being. I also think it's important to not have those insecurities and doubts because they attract certain negative energies, and I don't want that for myself or for the person who trusts me. Our feelings are more powerful than we realize.

Anyways, I've side tracked a lot. I wanted to take the time and write about how it felt to be given something so powerful and fragile to me and the pressures that came with it. I wanted to become a journalist at one point in my life, but that dream left long ago as I've changed as a person. Being asked to write an article in such a short notice and having it all sent by 3 pm gave me insight into what life as a journalist would be like. It's not for me. It's something I imagine I can do and do well because I function well under stress. But that's not necessarily a good thing. Just because I can tolerate something doesn't mean that I should.

Since I've actually experienced life without stress very, very recently, the contrast cuts through me like a blade. I wouldn't want that to be my life. In the past, that's all I knew. So I would've been more than willing to take on that sort of pressure. If I had, I probably would've never known what it was like to not stress. Avoiding stress has actually become a priority for me, although it's in my natural nature to stress. I'm not sure that's something I want to remove. I know I can try to remove my nature, but I'd be shifting so much of who I am, and I don't think I want to do that. This isn't my clinginess talking. This is me. It's all about choices, right?

Emotional Writing

I feel like I only write when I'm emotionally-inspired to and by that I mean when I'm in some form of emotional state or another. That's why I could easily and effortlessly write in elementary school, middle school, high school, early adulthood, and on and off recently because it's only recently that I've experienced some form of emotional calamity. That's also around the same time I questioned my ability as a writer and if it'll be possible for me to pursue writing as a career because my writing was becoming stagnant. The point in my life where my writing should be at its prime, I was starting to dull. I think my writing mirrored what was going on in my life. As I became more emotionally-detached, I became separated from the writer within me. As my emotions started to surface, I was re-introduced to that side of me. I missed it, and I love the passion I get from writing. However, I want to channel it and harness it at will. I don't want to be a servant to my emotions, which is probably an error in my thinking. In order to have that emotional intensity which stirs my writing, I have to let it control me. But I'm worried that if, for whatever reason, my emotional state stales my writing that I'm totally screwed. If I can use writing as a way to express my emotions, I want to be able to manipulate that skill and become one with my emotions, to be able to write, to be able to feel. This means that even when I'm emotionally-detached, it's important to keep writing to flush the emotions out of me by digging inside because it's all there. It's just contained.

I'm Emo But I'm Okay

I can't say that I was never an emotional person, but I've always been emotionally-detached, too. I couldn't help the emotions that poured out of me, but I worked on disconnecting myself from it as much as possible. Lately I haven't been able to control my emotions at all. I feel what I feel at the greatest intensity until I overload and neutralize or I become emotionally-drained. It's bad and painful because emotions are powerful. It has an intoxicating and overwhelming effect. But it's also therapeutic and enlightening. I feel like I'm connected to everything around me now in ways I never have before. It's not like I'm not able to function. Sure, I needed five jobs to distract myself from him. That didn't work. So I'm working on facing my emotions as difficult as it is because it's the only way to deal with it. My feelings for him are more ingrained than I feel comfortable or even originally realized. I think that's dangerous, so I need to become aware of them. As a consequence, everything feels intense. But I really am okay. Thanks for your concern. But if it gets bad and I need someone to talk to, it's nice to know that I can count on you (not that I didn't already know).

Channeling What I Have

I think my friend described me perfectly. "I think incessant thoughts are a sign of higher intelligence but unchanneled it can drive you nuts!" It's so obvious, yet profound. People seem to be endlessly fascinated by how my mind works. It has such a dynamic range and an even more dynamic consequence. My math professor told me that I'm UC material, but I'd be smarter if I thought less. Most professors tell me that the best advice they can give me is to think less. My friend, AJ, told me that I have a drug addict's mentality. Another told me that I'm not happy because my parents are in my head and that I need to get rid of those thoughts because the older I get it, the louder they become. It's true. My friends, who by the way don't have facebook (can you believe it?), told me that I'm meant to be an engineer. My friend seems to think that I'd be good at it but would get bored of it.

I feel like in many ways how my mind works has more range of opportunities than others but with it comes a greater range of insanity, too. I don't want that. I feel like I'm a powerful force, sometimes more intense than others. So I have to put extra effort and care to ground myself, something I rarely take the time to do. I think what I have is a blessing or a curse depending on how it's channeled. It can be abundantly positive or dangerously havoc with equal abandon. I want to work towards the beneficial direction.

I believe that there are two kinds of laid-back people - the ones who work on it (AJ and I'm hoping someday me) and the ones who possess it, but life always has challenges that'll weigh us down. There are also hybrids who naturally possess it but also possess the incessant thoughts that torment so many of us. I believe we all have tot put in the time and effort to keep ourselves grounded. Who else will do it? Life certainly won't. Life throws us the curve balls that give us the incentive to keep ourselves calm.

I've been this way for so long that I'm not even fully aware of how desperate I am for balance, but I'm becoming more aware of it. The universe senses it, too, because I truly believe that the energy we give off attracts certain people into our lives. People respond to what they sense from us. Lately, it seems like I've been attracting as well as gravitating towards naturally calm people who are lost themselves but have life experiences I can't even possibly imagine.

I've always been a dynamic and diverse person, as well as paradoxical. So I attract different types of people, and they lead diverse lives that I could never pursue. But I'm still exposed to it. I'm a giver and taker. I can't do one without the other. It's very much an altruistic process.

People come to me to seek insights whether it's subconscious or otherwise. I truly feel that I help them, which surprises me sometimes. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I can't seem to help myself because I don't channel myself in ways I do when I help my friends. I have the ability to simplify things, even though I never seem to incorporate it into my own life, and that's what allows me to give my friends clarity. By helping them, I'm discovering ways to help myself. It didn't begin that way. I wasn't searching for it, but that's what I've realized.

They’re right. I have to get the voices out of my head. I want to go to the mountains, to go hiking, to get away, get a different perspective. That's never been my world before, so I'm not exactly sure where to start. Any recommendations? Thanks for reading!

My Discombobulated Feelings

WHAT I BELIEVE:

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

HOW I AM/HOW I FEEL NOW:

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

I was terrified by what I was feeling for you.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

WHAT I'M DOING:

I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me.

HOW HE MUST'VE FELT:

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel; and remember what you deserve.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

WHAT I SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON BUT IGNORED...

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE:

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

WHAT I'M AFRAID OF:

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us?

Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I NEED TO ACCEPT AND LEARN (things I'm trying to come to grips with):

Don’t worry about the people in your past because they aren’t in your future for a reason.

Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be. You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, have no regrets, and forget the bad in the past. Just remember what all it has taught you.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

LASTLY....

Bob Marley's lesson on love...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you the part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

Tarot Card of the Day

The Hanged Man

This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

I do feel like I spent the majority of my life only focusing on the smaller details. I'm such a dynamic person and see everything that I never realized that I never took everything in, the curse of abundance. It gives the illusion of a dynamic perspective when they're just distractions. I'm desperate for a different perspective. Very rarely do I ever passive accept things. But, as a result, I never feel in control. Recently I've discovered the value and necessity of surrendering control and making myself vulnerable. I need it for personal growth and to connect with others.

Tarot Card of the Day: Strength

Strength

Strength is a card of courage, determination and inner might. You are in a position to deal with whatever comes your way. You have reached a position of influence and no longer need to force your beliefs upon others. You are aware of the temptations that exist, but your ability to resist them is strong. Be careful not to take advantage of your power or risk becoming abusive and destructive. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts.

This seems appropriate. I feel like I'm constantly defending my position and my intentions to people who already have an adamant pre-judgment of me that I most likely can't persuade. Sometimes I find that it requires more strength to be silent than to voice your opinions. I'm finally becoming comfortable with the idea of not forcing people to believe me. The temptation definitely exists and is strong, but I'm stronger. I agree that it's possible I can be abusive or destructive, although I'm not sure how in this case....It's always good to be conscientious, though. It's so important that I listen to my inner voice and trust my instincts. I've been doing that lately, and it works wonders!

Being a Pretty Girl

I actually feel uncomfortable with that title. It's weird. I do feel like I'm a pretty girl. But I feel uncomfortable admitting it to myself and especially writing it out. I'll express my feelings on paper without difficulty, but the idea of thinking that I'm attractive makes me feel inadequate and guilty. Don't nobody better comment that I'm ugly cuz I'm not in the fucking mood! I don't usually give a fuck about what people think, but if someone says that I'm ugly, I take it personally. It's not because their opinion matters to me, but it's because it almost confirms what my paranoia tells me. It's myself that I'm afraid of.

I don't know why I let something so trivial and vain get to me. It doesn't make sense. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So who cares what others think? Even more so, I do actually think I'm pretty. I just need to feel comfortable with how I feel. I mean, seriously, because I look at other girls who aren't as attractive as me and know they're pretty. I also know that if I was someone else and saw me I would think I'm pretty. So, why do I feel so guilty about how I feel? Isn't it good to feel attractive? I mean even if you aren't, it's a healthy position to have.

Most of my life no one thought I was pretty. I had a haircut that made people think I was a boy. Even after that, people used to cap on me. My mom used to actually take offense when people said I looked like her because she finds herself to be so much hotter. I hate to admit it, but it's true. These thoughts are so stupid and petty that I hate admitting it, but it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel. I'm starting to realize that it's important that I'm aware and accept how I feel no matter what. I need to be honest with myself.

I've finally reached a point in my point where people consider me attractive and respond to me differently as a result. I'm still self-conscious as Hell, but I conceal it now. I fake it when I smile, talk, and carry myself in a way confident people do. I think that makes people respond differently towards me. I attract a different kind of energy. For the first time in years, I'm actually attracting people. It's amazing and trippy to me.

Attraction has such a powerful effect. It makes people respond differently. I have the power to make people feel threatened by my presence. No wonder I've been so affected by it. It's frustrating. When I was younger, people tormented me because I wasn't pretty. Now that I'm older I feel like I'm being punished because I am. It's made me realize that it doesn't matter how I look. My life would suck one way or another, but how it would suck just depends. So I am might as well feel good about myself.

Lately people have found me attractive and hit on me. I have more estranged friendships than I'd like to admit because their girlfriends don't like me because I'm pretty. I feel like being myself makes people dislike me. My friend, Mike, just had this talk with me after hearing me rant about how upset I am by the pre-judgments people have of me. He told me that being an attractive, petite girl is going to make people respond to me differently. Why does it have to feel like a curse?

I'm treated differently. I was rushing to get on the bus, but I wanted to buy my ticket first. The driver waited for me, and I was so grateful. A woman smiled and said, "Just cuz you're pretty?" I found it insulting and condescending, but I wonder how much truth there was to that. Regardless I think that woman was a bitter bitch for unnecessarily running her mouth. What point did that serve? I do get discounts at farmer's markets, too.

I've always been judged for how I look. I'm small, so people see me as an easy target. Too many people have made the mistake of trying to jump me. Too many people think they can just push me over when the truth is I'm the last bitch anyone should be messing with! I was seen as insiginificant and unthreatening, even less important, because I'm a girl at the taco truck today.

People were standing in line, and some guys let this big dude cut in front of them because he looked buff. I was about to start running my mouth when another girl spoke her mind about the very concerns I had but with more eloquence and calmness than I could've conveyed. She and I didn't find it acceptable that we're getting cut because we're not a guy, as though we aren't worth it. WTF? So I guess what I'm saying is that there are consequences to being a pretty girl....

Rebound Dating

I was telling a friend of mine about what happened with the last guy I was with and how it didn't work out. She suggested that I start dating again, which seemed like such an out of place advice coming from her. Everyone warns everyone to never take her advice on love. When I told the guy I was with something in relation to her (and he's only met her once, although he can read people), he became so serious and told me to never take her advice on relationships. She practically comes with a warning label! But it makes me wonder if this time her advice is sage because it sounds so different from her usual insights. It was advice that sounded so much like hers that made it inadvisable.

To a certain extent I discarded her advice while considering it for more time than I would've entertained in the past. Rebound dates aren't my thing. I was coerced into it once. I went out with a guy named Eric for years, and my rebound date's name was Derek. I didn't say the wrong name because I wasn't over Eric; it was out of habit. Mind you, of course, that was a nightmare waiting to happen. But the idea of using someone else to relieve my emotional torment about someone who is no longer in my life seems cruel and insensitive. I just can't do it.

More importantly, I've recently realized how unsuccessful implementing distraction is. It doesn't work. I had five jobs and attempted a social life. I'm still not over him. I've always struggled painfully getting over relationships, while I saw people around me moving on more quickly through rebound dating. I still, nonetheless, stayed away from it. It's because that's the right thing for me. I've had to learn to accept that sometimes the right thing for me requires me to go through more agony and pain than others do. But it is what it is.

Rebound dating is not for me. I wouldn't only feel right about it, which means that I wouldn't benefit from it. But I'm also too insecure about it. I would worry about how it would karmically effect me. Plus I could never allow a rebound date to become serious even if it can be. I'm trying to break my cycle of self-sabotaged relationships. On the flip side, if nothing can come of it, I would think it's a waste of time. I am glad that I considered it, though, because it makes me feel like I understand myself better now.

Rebound dating would essentially be another form of what I normally do, distract myself instead of dealing with what's in front of me. It'll be painful, but I never seem to be able to escape anything anyways. I might as well face it. Besides, I don't know myself. My friend, Erik, once told me that he knows I present this strong sense of self, but he also knows that it's bullshit. At first I took offense until I realized that it was true. I don't know myself because I'm so emotionally-disconnected. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate that cycle, which means I have to deal with how I feel. The only way I'm going to get a handle on things is by feeling everything so that I can deal with it no matter how long the recovery time is.

I realized that by distracting myself it makes it a little easier until my feelings and emotions surface, which it inevitably will. Since so much was doormat, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'd rather not have a shock trauma. I can't discover who I am if I'm hiding a part of myself. I can't move on if I'm lying to myself. I can't discover who I am if I do something that isn't authentic to me.

But I really appreciate what my friend told me in ways I could never express. It made me put considerable thought into what she said. I may not have ultimately taken her advice, but I like the brainstorm that came out of it. I like that I have the ability to think dynamically about these things. Initially, I thought it was insensitive to suggest rebound dating because it would totally screw the other person over. I didn't tell it to her like that because I didn't think about it at the time. I was just surprised that it came out of her mouth. She said, "Well if it makes you feel better...."

I really liked that. Sometimes being a friend means wanting the best for them even if it’s not the best for others. Life is all about choices. What we want is always going to upset someone somewhere, so our priorities should be ourselves. It's not meant to be insensitive to others, but it's reality. It's likely that someone will be bothered especially if it involves me because I'm very headstrong. She showed me that what's most important to her is me. I really appreciate that. It wasn't long ago that I would've only looked at the big picture. That's such a robotic, inhuman approach. I feel differently now.

Why It's So Hard to Accept

What makes letting him go so difficult is the very true reality that if I didn't deliberately sabotage what we had, it could've worked. I mean really worked. I've never felt such fear and certainty about a single source. In the past I would require clarification because I truly didn't trust people, but this time around, I needed clarification because I wanted to make sure that the floating sense that was trust was appropriate as if it can be defined in that sort of way. I've never looked within myself before. I always sought external sources, and I was doing that again, but he was trying to teach me to trust myself. Instead of realizing that he was trying to lead me to myself, I took his obscurity as a deliberate technique to absolve any responsibility. I totally ignored the reality that as my friend, he wouldn't betray me like that.

I've never looked within myself, let alone trusted myself. When I was exposed to it (myself), I saw and felt that I do have the ability to uncover the mysteries I seek in others to provide me with. But I was afraid of the idea of being accountable for them. If others lied to me, it's their fault. If I believe the wrong thing, I would be forced to transfer the same treatment onto others on myself, basically blame myself. That logic is severely flawed and one I want to explore at a later time.

My point is that my fear to trust myself stopped me from embracing the relationship for what it was. I prepared myself as though I was wrong already but took it out on him, as though he did something wrong. He put a lot of effort into opening up to me, something he rarely does. He shared with me things that he didn't share with others and because it seemed clique, I accused him of being dishonest. It was so unfair to him; I was unfair to him. The more he tried to help me, the more I attacked him. I pushed and pushed until the thread broke.

I kept focusing on all the things that made us different, that makes couples incompatible, while failing to realize how much we had in common. Even the things that separate us made us closer. The things that usually break relationships because of their differences were factors that weren't really at play for us. They were so superficial.

For the first time, I felt what someone felt for me. It was intense and sincere in ways I could've never imagined. I can't believe I thought that I didn't matter to him considering all of that. But it makes me wonder how much I really meant to him if we can't even be friends. Then again, maybe that's why we can't be friends because the feelings are still there. If the feelings are still there, it makes me wonder how much is repairable. It's incredible how powerful my words can be. I know that I'm an influential person, but I think I fail to realize the impact I can have because I don't have the same experience. So I couldn't know. It kills me to think that I was the one who made him feel that way about me and equally lose interest in me. I keep thinking that if I had it in me to attract him, I could do it again. But that's not the point is it? And this is all assuming that it's true.

I just wanted to get it off of my chest that it's hard to accept because I know how much he felt for me. Does something like that just disappear? If it does, how significant was I to him? If it doesn't, then is there hope? The problem with this mentality is that I run in circles and never complete the thought. At the end it doesn't matter. Yes, I feel awful. But I'm doing the same thing now. I'm not actually expressing what I feel. I can change how I feel about him about as much as I can change the circumstance. It is what it is. More importantly, it is not what it is not.

The Quote that Truly Touched Me

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I used to do things that made people describe me as daring and impulsive, but the truth is that I'm a VERY good planner. I even plan things that appear spontaneous. I'm always blabbing that I think people fail to realize that it's usually my idea to do something completely insane! As long as it's on my terms and I plan for EVERYTHING, I'm okay with it.

I never actually realized how closed off I am before until someone brought it to my attention. He's a really guarded person, so it really opened my eyes to how I really am. I'm not that good at reading people, so I never really understood any of this before. I just thought I did. When AJ became less guarded around me, I didn't really notice until I was told so. I never noticed before that he was guarded until I saw the contrast. I'm so different from him that I would've never guessed that I had my own version of guardedness. I never really knew that different kinds of guardedness existed, although it makes sense that it does.

I know that how I feel for the most part is transparent because of how people react around me and the comments they make towards me. That led me to believe that I'm an open person, but that's not true. I can't contain how I feel; I don't know how to. As a result, it becomes exposed. There aren't too many things I know how to hold in, but those things I never really reveal. I'm a guarded, closed-off person by nature but not an ability I've learned to harness like AJ's.

The first time I've ever felt exposed and vulnerable, my emotions poured out of me but not by choice. I tried to hold in as much as I can for fears I can't even articulate or even perceive. I pushed away the one first person who was exposing me to who I am, the raw truth I didnt' even know I was hiding from myself. In my mind even though I never really admitted it to myself and even though this is the "truth" I was willing to share with myself, I kept fearing that I would be rejected for what I want, how I feel, and who I am. But the real truth is that I feared being accepted for what I want, how I feel, and who I am.

I've never been comfortable outside of my natural element. I like being in control, feeling in control, being able to call the shots, all the unhealthy desires that cling to us for all of the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to be pushed into a direction you're afraid of going in order to acheive something great. Sometimes you need an external force to make that happen. I was so afraid of taking that step, but I withdrew completely until that force and everything about it disappeared. All I could think when it was there was how I wanted to escape. Now that it's gone, I realized how wrong I was. In retrospect, it makes no sense that I was afraid. But without that experience, I would've never believed it. That's why this quote touched me so much.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

~Thanks for sharing this quote. It's one thing to have an experience and remember it, but it's another thing when you find a quote that encompasses how you feel. There's something about a written manifestation of it that makes it more real.

Our Paths in Life

I believe that we're all meant to be somewhere at any given time. But I also firmly believe that we don't always go where we're supposed to. However, every action has a consequence. You may have taken the wrong path when you began that road. But by taking that road, you've changed the course. Now you're meant to be on the new path. The hardest part about this is leaving the past behind you, accepting that you'll never know what could've been, that in life you'll be plagued with unfinished realities. Sometimes all you can do is look to the future and leave the past behind you if you ever expect to move forward. But how the Hell do you do that?

I Figured It Out

I was told that I fell in love with him, which seemed like the craziest thing to say. For the first time I was exposed, vulnerable, fragile, and unprotected. Who I am and what I felt wasn't concealed. It took our relationship to a place I never knew existed. He means more to me than he'll ever know. That'll never change. It's because of this that I care so much for him. Do I have feelings for him? Absolutely. I didn't want things to end; I just wasn't ready to deal with my emotions, my feelings. I want to be with him in spite of how I reacted. So I'm still living in the past.

It doesn't mean that I fell in love with him. I had this indescribable sense of calmness, openness, and vulnerability towards him, which made me receptive to what he was teaching me - living in the moment. My friend believes that I was open to it all because I was in love with him. That's why he believes that no one else has ever been successful where he was. I personally think that that undermines the personal transformation I'VE undergone. I wasn't receptive before because I wasn't ready, not because of something external. But I do believe that I've been lying, hiding the truth from myself.

What my friend picked up on wasn't feelings I have for him now but feelings I couldn't had for him. I felt its presence, and it seemed paradoxically natural but out of place. That's because I believe those feelings weren't meant to be there yet. But they were, which made everything intense and confusing. I felt everything and so much of it all at the same time. It was emotional sensory overload. I've never been good at handling everything at once, but that's because I try to reject some of it. It doesn't work that way.

In retrospect, I should've known this. I kept saying he's not the one, he's not the one. Even I know he's not the one. Who was I trying to convince saying it over and over? I kept repeating myself not because I believed it (quite the opposite), but as one of my methods to reject what I was feeling. The truth is I think I knew he was the one, the one I could've fallen in love with. That means even more exposure and vulnerability. That's a frightening idea. I couldn't handle it.

To a certain degree I believed it when I told myself that I knew he wasn't the one. Having a bigoted idea of what that meant made it morebelievable, too. He's so different and not my usual type. He's the last person you'd expect me with. So there was an element of believability, although it wasn't very powerful. After all I needed to keep reminding myself that he wasn't the one.

There was an internal conflict going on because I felt what I felt and knew what I knew. The two concepts don't merge. That's because I was so closed-minded. I have this perceived notion of how things are. Here I thought I was so open-minded when in reality I suffer from the same social conditionings that limit so many others. Mine is more damaging than I realized. It sabotaged me from taking a chance to be with someone, I mean really be with someone who changed my life because he was the one.

My Tarot Card of the Day: The Devil

The Devil represents wild behaviour and reckless abandon. This is a card synonymous with temptation and addiction. At its worst, this card embodies evil, but at its best represents ambition, impulsiveness and pure devotion. You should be acutely aware of the destructive influences in your life and gather the strength to overcome them.

"This is a card synonymous with temptation and addiction." Seeing those words made me realize how much of that exists within me. I'm a responsible individual who doesn't indulge in my temptations because I have an impressive amount of self-control...in the conventional sense. I don't blow my money away. I do what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it. When I do things I shouldn't, I always make sure that I can afford to fuck up. Plus, I'm not tempted to do a lot of things become my paranoia terrifies me. I do have an addictive personality, though. That's when I realized how much I indulge in my temptations because of my addictive nature. I clean, I obsess, I stress, I write, I talk, etc. Everything is in excess.

Helping Others to Help Myself

I wasn't always the person my friends came to for insights and feedback. But I've changed a lot. So, it's only natural that my friends will respond differently to me. Friends I've only met for the second time will open up about things they haven't shared with their closest friends. It doesn't actually trip me out because I do offer insightful and productive advice. I tend to over-complicate things and it makes my life difficult. But when it comes to helping my friends, I'm direct and eliminate that over-complicated baggage. Somehow, I know that I can't help them with it. So I get rid of it. It's a selective process. I've realized after helping so many of my friends that it's something I need to implement in my own life. I never realized how damaging and neglectful I've been to myself.

I've always been a direct person who does what she wants to do. I could really care less what others think of it, just as long as it's something I want to do unless it involves a guy. It's always about a guy, right? For someone so independent and upfront, I allow myself to be completely taken over by my insecurities and question every action that I take and don't take. Truthfully speaking, my insecurities surface and I question whether I should act a certain way in every aspect of my life. But for the most part, it's just a habitual process that my mind goes through. I proceed as I intend.

By not doing this, by not being myself, I lost someone and, more importantly, I lost myself. So I'm over it. Sometimes, I'm paradoxical in a complex way that I can't fight, nor would I want to. But sometimes I'm paradoxical in an unnecessary and complicated sort of way. I'm afraid to act a certain way because I'm afraid he'll reject me. But I already know how he feels about me if I just stop freaking out how long enough to sense it, to realize it. Besides, why am I so chicken shit for? I don't embarrass easily. So if my paranoia is warranted, it'll still be okay. I just never allow myself the opportunity to learn this. That's unhealthy for me, and it's unfair for any guy who shows an interest in me.

I'm convinced he's going to diss me at any point in time. But I go for sweet guys. I know that. So by suspecting such foul play, it's so disrespectful to the guy. It's not like I ever tip my hat off until I realize that it's mutual anyways, not that it matters. That kind of doubt is unfair and unfounded. And by some chance, my fears become realized, so what? I have friends who like our friends. When it's not mutual, they don't get dissed. I surround myself with considerate, kind people. They wouldn't do me like that...especially if the guy is into me. I was told by a guy I liked that I need to have a higher standard of him. He was wrong. I need a higher standard for myself, only then will I project that perspective.

My friend expressed something that's really obvious and yet profound to me at the same time - But sometimes, when you take a moment to step outside of your shoes, you'll realize the fears or doubts are illogical. At times we are so bombarded by our own thoughts that we can't see clearly. Great things are experienced/achieved by taking great risks. The first message I realized when I was helping my friend, and I realized how much of what I said to him applied to me. I just transferred that logic into my own life. The second sentence is the story of my life, but I'm working on changing that. The third message is a newfound lesson for me. Thanks girl!

I can be such a self-involved person that I think we all forget how much I actually do for others. By believing and perceiving that I make myself a focus and priority, I overlook when I completely neglect myself. This is why helping others helps me. It makes people around me appreciate and acknowledge what I can offer and what I do for them, while I realize how flawed my own perspective is. Sometimes, I waste my time feeling guilty because I spend so much time talking about what's been going on in my life that I forget to realize that my friends share a lot with me, too, just not as much as me. But what they do share with me is significant. I think that's how a lot of people in my life are. The guy I pushed away opened up a lot more than me and shared so much more than me, but I didn't see it because I was focusing on quantity more than quality. I never realized that until now.

Confidence is Sexy

I was talking to my friend about dating, relationships, asking people out, and things within that context. I was stunned to discover by my ex-boyfriend, no less, who became my wingman (it just gets weirder as the relationship evolves - friends, ex, wingman, who knows what else) that "Do you want to go out for coffee?" is code for asking someone out on a date. I've been asked that before, but I respond with I don't like coffee. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to spending time with the guy, but I prefer tea. The guy usually goes away before I can get to that part of the conversation. I don't agree with this method, but I think it's important to be aware of it. Had I have known what it meant, I would've responded differently.

My friend thought that coffee was too casual. None of us like the indirect approach. We began talking about different methods some people use. Another friend of mine wrote a note to a girl in class and successfully scored a date. It's apparently about using the right approach for the right girl. This girl was flattered by the idea that my friend took such measures and felt important. I, however, won't be impressed by a guy who can't bring himself to talk to me. I'm a communicator. That's how I interact. Besides, I'm not going to agree to a date with a guy who's voice I haven't even heard who's in the same class as me! My friend also agreed that that approach doesn't feel right. And I think he put it beautifully. Confidence is sexy.

Confidence is sexy. I never made the connection before, but it feels like I always knew this. Some of the time I consider myself attractive. In fact, I know that if I wasn't so insecure, I would confidently describe myself as attractive. I'm tired of feeling guilty about seeing myself as pretty because there are other girls who are hotter than me. It's a stupid, unacceptable, and unhealthy reason to not embrace my beauty.

Even at my most beautiful (in my eyes), I've never considered myself sexy. I consider myself a sexual person, but I've never felt sexy. I have, but I'm working towards changing this towards I had, this impression that 'm not sexy, that I can't be sexy, because my boobs are tiny, I'm tiny, and I have no booty. I'm not usually such a bigoted person except when it comes to limiting myself.

Guys have called me sexy and the few who've seen the sexual side of me consider me to be a very sexual person. It almost seems inconsistent to be sexual and not sexy, but it's beginning to make sense. Confidence is sexy, and I'm not a confident person. Then again, some people perceive me as a confident person because of how I present myself. I used to be a ballet dancer who was criticized repeatedly for not lifting my head up. I became good at lifting my head up and having good posture. That exudes confidence, but it's only an impression, not a reality.

For some idiotic reason, I couldn't bring myself to put my head on my friend's shoulder even though we both wanted that. I only got close to him when he got close to me. I was a lot more confident when I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I'm confident of myself as a friend but not as something more. That insecurity is poison that isn't just toxic to me but to the people around me. I never fully understood this before. I want this for myself but also for the people around me. I only appear confident to people who don't know me, really know me. I appear confident to my friends. I appear confident to guys I've been with who I eventually trust after a very long time and begin feeling secure about myself but only through his eyes. I want this for myself. Now that I understand what sexy is, I believe I can someday achieve it. I look forward to it.

25% of my Senses

I've been described as being overly logical. I can even argue that it was dangerously logical and emotionally disconnected, but I didn't see it that way because my behavior appeared so paradoxical. For such an overly logical person, I could act really emotionally irrational. As it turns out, I was overly logical until my emotion failed me. I never realized how detrimental it was to my well-being.

Being overly logical was a security measure to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. But no amount of protective barrier can prevent emotions from entering. Since I resisted so much and had so little practice managing it, I was unable to cope with it. It felt unbearable, not because it was but because of my perception and limited exposure and experience with it. Instead of experiencing all of it, the pain and the love, I continued to ignore the emotions and feelings until they weighed my logic down. I'd have panic attacks, struggle, take sedatives if I had any, and repeat the entire process. It was bad, but I never realized how much because this is all that I knew, all that I experienced. Some changes in my life forced a different approach on me.

I broke up with my long time six year boyfriend. It was one of the most natural, easy, and most difficult changes I've endured in my life. Before him I never escaped danger because that's where I lived. It's painful but natural to be thick-skinned and be used to the environment you're in no matter how hard it is. I never learned to sense and protect myself from it, which is rare and it made me feel left out. But I didn't concern myself with it. I was just glad to be protected from it. I no longer had that.

It's amazing how astute our intuition is in action if you let your body take over. It was intoxicating and liberating. It made me realize how suffocated I was before without even knowing it. I was drowning a part of me, and I had no idea. It's like waking up and realizing that you've only been using 25% of your senses your entire life. It's an enlightening and profound experience, but it's also terrifying in ways I can't express.

Every doubt and fear became amplified. My logic was no longer able to silence those insecurities like they once did. My fears felt equally real as the truth. How can both be true? I was too busy asking myself that that I didn't answer the question, which is that it can't be. So, which one is the truth and which one is the lie? Had I have asked myself that, things would've turned out differently. But I was too busy allowing myself to be overpowered to see things for the way they really are. Humans are emotional creatures who possess intellect, not the other way around.

Living in the Moment

The beauty and sadness of living in the moment is that you truly live in the moment for all that it is, all of it and nothing else. By living exactly in the moment you get to experience and feel everything. It's intoxicating. By not concerning yourself with the consequences, future fears, or past torments, there are no burdens hindering you, nothing but an exhilarating moment waiting to be experienced for all that it is. And yet the pain about living in the moment is that as fulfilling as it is at that moment, when it passes, it's gone. That's it. No looking back. It makes it easier to be taken over by your emotions if you're willing to surrender. But if you're not, then you're forever hiding in the shadows right next to the moment, envious, bitter, and too shy to embrace all that it can offer you until it leaves. Nothing left but a dead carcass at the end. That is why every moment should be lived to the fullest in that exact moment and time because as quickly as it came, it can be gone. Live in the moment. Each one is given for a reason except to ignore it. Embrace it. Live it. Experience it.