Not the Second Chance I Was Hoping For

I truly believe that if you really want something AND you put your energy towards achieving that goal the universe will be compelled to assist you. Sometimes, I really, really want something. I'm consumed by that desire, but I don't focus on the details. The next thing I know I get something similar to what I've been wanting but not quite that.

I never really believed in second chances. However when I had a vested interested in it, my position changed. I hate how things turned out, and I wish things were different. I kept thinking about how if I had a second chance, I would do it differently. I learned from my mistake. Then I'm given a second chance but not with him.

Working at the salon and faking the way I did was wrong. You wear a mask long enough, and it becomes you. That's how my tolerance increased. I barely had any before I started working there. Deep down, I knew I didn't belong there. it was so obvious, what with the anti-social behavior and all. I pretended to be someone I'm not, and it backfired. I learned that I never want to be in that situation again.

I landed a commission-based only job as a Sales Associate for a shoe store. It's not as awful as you would think it is. I'm not bored to tears. The tasks are rather repetitive. There's no room for growth in that job. But since I've learned to live in the moment, I live less inside my head, which makes working for a company like this more tolerable. I'm not intimidated or discouraged about being an annoying sales person. I'm not counting down until I'm off work. I'm not frustrated by the incessant customers who waste my time. I go through the motions, but I'm not pained by it. This isn't the second chance I was referring to, but this is a second chance, an opportunity to make the best of things.

What I don't like about this job is the circumstance it puts me in. I don't like the idea of working at a place where I have a vested interest in manipulating people because that's how I earn my source of income. Even if the customers are willing candidates, I don't want a job that makes me feel compelled to behave a certain way that's unnatural to who I am. I did it before, and it didn't work out. I've learned from my mistake. Being someone I'm not is unfavorable. It's important that I be authentic. This job doesn't permit that.

When a customer wants to see only one pair of shoes, it's my responsibility to bring out four different styles and entice them to make multiple purchases. I'm rewarded when customers buy more stuff. I hate to admit it, but I'm good at my job. I was also good at being a weak-willed pushover. It sure as hell didn't mean that I should do it. In this economy, I hate the idea of encouraging frivolous purchases. It may seem financially irresponsible to give up my only source of income no matter how sparse it is, but as my friend put it, I want to be able to sleep at night. So true. I feel guilty because this job isn't for me. I can convince myself all I want that I'm not forcing anyone's hand, but then I wouldn't feel so guilty. Besides, I have cash reserves. That doesn't mean that I want to tap into it, but it's meant to be there for that. I'd rather do that than compromise my integrity.

I wanted a second chance, and I got one. It may not have been the one I was looking for, but this is where I am now. I have a second chance to make the right choice, which is to leave before this job consumes me. I don't belong there. Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I should pursue it. I printed my resignation letter and handed it in today. I got a call from my manager, asking me to call him back to talk to him about what's going on.

I think this where AJ's message becomes crucial - I don't always have to explain myself. Unlike the lesson about living in the moment, which I actually understand through experience, this other message appears important, but I'm not quite sure why. I suspect that in order to become comfortable in my own skin, I have to embrace the fact that I don't always have to explain myself. I'm never going to be comfortable with who I am if I'm constantly defending myself.

I'm compelled to provide an explanation, but that doesn't mean that I have to or that I should. I want to resign on positive terms. I don't want to explain why I'm going to quit. So tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be able to keep it simple, another challenge of mine. I'm going to let him know that it's not a good fit for me. I'm worried that he'll appeal to my logical side and ask if I have another job offer lined up. He might try and convince me to hold onto the job for a little bit. During that time period, I might get comfortable there like I did at the salon. That's what I want to avoid.

Well whatever happens happens. What's important is that I realize what's truly important and that my priorities and perspective for the first time in my life is where they should be. I got the ball rolling. I'm working towards being the kind of person I can respect. I handed in my resignation letter, and I'm quitting in two weeks! I can't believe I'm not freaked out by this. I'll soon be joining the unemployment force, again...