You know when things don't work out, and you're devastated? But you don't allow yourself to feel what you feel. Or at least I don't. I've never been the girl that stays in, cries, and buys pints full of ice cream. I'm not saying that girls who do this plan for it or anything. I'm just saying that that's never been me. Sometimes at random times, I would feel awful about how things turned out. I have no idea what triggers those thoughts at those points in time. I guess I have been ignoring how I'm feeling, but it didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like I was suppressing. I have kept myself busy, but I'm a busy person. So I had no idea how much I'm still into him until I saw him unexpectedly. I feel like if I didn't paralyze that we might have had what would qualify as a conversation, but I was too busy processing what was going on. Sometimes I feel like breaking down. So many new things are happening to me. I was never the girl who just started crying on a guy. I hate it. It's terrifying. I hate being afraid of how I feel. I hate that I've been estranged from my feelings for as long as I have. I hate that I'm realizing that I've always been like this, but for whatever reason, I've hidden it.
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