Free Time Doesn't Always Equal Free Thoughts

I'm sick and at home right now. I'm working from home, and my job isn't by any means kick back. But sometimes I manage to find a little bit of free time before it gets hectic again. I have some free time right now, but I don't have much to express. I think it's interesting how when I'm so busy that I feel like I have barely any time to breathe, I can find the time to express myself. If I'm given 10 consecutive, uninterrupted minutes, I'll write a LONG note about how I feel. At times when my life is so busy and I barely have the time to feel anything, everything just penetrates inside of me like a poison that consumes me.

I think it has something to do with my all or nothing reaction. Sometimes I try so hard to keep busy because I can't deal with the pain, but pain can't be neutralized by distraction. I think I usually find myself busy when I'm in pain as a coping mechanism. Other times being busy just makes me think of the things that used to pain me. It's almost a form of social conditioning. Overwork is associated with pain in some ways. Or maybe because being busy makes me so emotionally-disconnected that my mind tries to rev up that side of me. After all, who am I without my emotions, without a sense of feeling? I think it's the last one actually. It has been lately anyways.

I feel like I want to use this free time to get in touch with my emotions and myself, but I'm unable to. I wish I can blame it on being sick, but I don't think that's what it is. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I should enjoy the fact that my mind isn't racing with thoughts right now. That's certainly a plus.