Why It's So Hard to Accept

What makes letting him go so difficult is the very true reality that if I didn't deliberately sabotage what we had, it could've worked. I mean really worked. I've never felt such fear and certainty about a single source. In the past I would require clarification because I truly didn't trust people, but this time around, I needed clarification because I wanted to make sure that the floating sense that was trust was appropriate as if it can be defined in that sort of way. I've never looked within myself before. I always sought external sources, and I was doing that again, but he was trying to teach me to trust myself. Instead of realizing that he was trying to lead me to myself, I took his obscurity as a deliberate technique to absolve any responsibility. I totally ignored the reality that as my friend, he wouldn't betray me like that.

I've never looked within myself, let alone trusted myself. When I was exposed to it (myself), I saw and felt that I do have the ability to uncover the mysteries I seek in others to provide me with. But I was afraid of the idea of being accountable for them. If others lied to me, it's their fault. If I believe the wrong thing, I would be forced to transfer the same treatment onto others on myself, basically blame myself. That logic is severely flawed and one I want to explore at a later time.

My point is that my fear to trust myself stopped me from embracing the relationship for what it was. I prepared myself as though I was wrong already but took it out on him, as though he did something wrong. He put a lot of effort into opening up to me, something he rarely does. He shared with me things that he didn't share with others and because it seemed clique, I accused him of being dishonest. It was so unfair to him; I was unfair to him. The more he tried to help me, the more I attacked him. I pushed and pushed until the thread broke.

I kept focusing on all the things that made us different, that makes couples incompatible, while failing to realize how much we had in common. Even the things that separate us made us closer. The things that usually break relationships because of their differences were factors that weren't really at play for us. They were so superficial.

For the first time, I felt what someone felt for me. It was intense and sincere in ways I could've never imagined. I can't believe I thought that I didn't matter to him considering all of that. But it makes me wonder how much I really meant to him if we can't even be friends. Then again, maybe that's why we can't be friends because the feelings are still there. If the feelings are still there, it makes me wonder how much is repairable. It's incredible how powerful my words can be. I know that I'm an influential person, but I think I fail to realize the impact I can have because I don't have the same experience. So I couldn't know. It kills me to think that I was the one who made him feel that way about me and equally lose interest in me. I keep thinking that if I had it in me to attract him, I could do it again. But that's not the point is it? And this is all assuming that it's true.

I just wanted to get it off of my chest that it's hard to accept because I know how much he felt for me. Does something like that just disappear? If it does, how significant was I to him? If it doesn't, then is there hope? The problem with this mentality is that I run in circles and never complete the thought. At the end it doesn't matter. Yes, I feel awful. But I'm doing the same thing now. I'm not actually expressing what I feel. I can change how I feel about him about as much as I can change the circumstance. It is what it is. More importantly, it is not what it is not.

Helping Others to Help Myself

I wasn't always the person my friends came to for insights and feedback. But I've changed a lot. So, it's only natural that my friends will respond differently to me. Friends I've only met for the second time will open up about things they haven't shared with their closest friends. It doesn't actually trip me out because I do offer insightful and productive advice. I tend to over-complicate things and it makes my life difficult. But when it comes to helping my friends, I'm direct and eliminate that over-complicated baggage. Somehow, I know that I can't help them with it. So I get rid of it. It's a selective process. I've realized after helping so many of my friends that it's something I need to implement in my own life. I never realized how damaging and neglectful I've been to myself.

I've always been a direct person who does what she wants to do. I could really care less what others think of it, just as long as it's something I want to do unless it involves a guy. It's always about a guy, right? For someone so independent and upfront, I allow myself to be completely taken over by my insecurities and question every action that I take and don't take. Truthfully speaking, my insecurities surface and I question whether I should act a certain way in every aspect of my life. But for the most part, it's just a habitual process that my mind goes through. I proceed as I intend.

By not doing this, by not being myself, I lost someone and, more importantly, I lost myself. So I'm over it. Sometimes, I'm paradoxical in a complex way that I can't fight, nor would I want to. But sometimes I'm paradoxical in an unnecessary and complicated sort of way. I'm afraid to act a certain way because I'm afraid he'll reject me. But I already know how he feels about me if I just stop freaking out how long enough to sense it, to realize it. Besides, why am I so chicken shit for? I don't embarrass easily. So if my paranoia is warranted, it'll still be okay. I just never allow myself the opportunity to learn this. That's unhealthy for me, and it's unfair for any guy who shows an interest in me.

I'm convinced he's going to diss me at any point in time. But I go for sweet guys. I know that. So by suspecting such foul play, it's so disrespectful to the guy. It's not like I ever tip my hat off until I realize that it's mutual anyways, not that it matters. That kind of doubt is unfair and unfounded. And by some chance, my fears become realized, so what? I have friends who like our friends. When it's not mutual, they don't get dissed. I surround myself with considerate, kind people. They wouldn't do me like that...especially if the guy is into me. I was told by a guy I liked that I need to have a higher standard of him. He was wrong. I need a higher standard for myself, only then will I project that perspective.

My friend expressed something that's really obvious and yet profound to me at the same time - But sometimes, when you take a moment to step outside of your shoes, you'll realize the fears or doubts are illogical. At times we are so bombarded by our own thoughts that we can't see clearly. Great things are experienced/achieved by taking great risks. The first message I realized when I was helping my friend, and I realized how much of what I said to him applied to me. I just transferred that logic into my own life. The second sentence is the story of my life, but I'm working on changing that. The third message is a newfound lesson for me. Thanks girl!

I can be such a self-involved person that I think we all forget how much I actually do for others. By believing and perceiving that I make myself a focus and priority, I overlook when I completely neglect myself. This is why helping others helps me. It makes people around me appreciate and acknowledge what I can offer and what I do for them, while I realize how flawed my own perspective is. Sometimes, I waste my time feeling guilty because I spend so much time talking about what's been going on in my life that I forget to realize that my friends share a lot with me, too, just not as much as me. But what they do share with me is significant. I think that's how a lot of people in my life are. The guy I pushed away opened up a lot more than me and shared so much more than me, but I didn't see it because I was focusing on quantity more than quality. I never realized that until now.