A Progressively Growing Lack of Care

The same friend who's home situation sucks has been repeatedly calling me because he's unhappy. As a friend, I feel terrible for the mistreatment and unfair exposure and expectations. He doesn't deserve what he's going through. But you know what? We're all challenged and exposed to obstacles we don't deserve. Unfairness won't change the rules of the game. There isn't some maximum quota where after you reach an excessive amount of unfairness, you won't ever have to deal with it again. Nor does it mean that because life is so unfair, the universe will repay you for the inconvenience. If you ever expect to see change and improvement, you have to make it happen for yourself. All he does is complain about it. It's not easy to go through change, but it's a necessary process for all of us. He's not a child anymore. He's an adult. He should start acting like one. Or at the very least stop burdening the people around him with problems he continues to expose himself to. He doesn't realize that his actions or lack of affect, well, everything around him. If he were more mature, I wouldn't have to hear him complain about the same thing and feel guilty for being so callous. I just can't understand why people don't realize that after a certain point in life, complaining is no longer acceptable. We're adults now. Be afraid of change, but don't let it stop you. Or, again, let it stop you if you must. But show more consideration towards others. You don't like being inconvenienced, so refrain from doing that to others. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. I can't change his actions. He won't change his actions. So, therefore, I get an earful. And he thinks he's going to live with my boyfriend and I, on top of that? I hate the lack the changes occurring, and I hate the changes that are occurring, my progressively growing lack of care and concern towards him.

I know I'm a bitch about these things because I was forced to deal with things I didn't deserve to be a part of. I still resent it, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Quite frankly, I would've been satisfying learning it on my own. I had to face changes I shouldn't have had to deal with. And my friend is complaining because an unfair circumstance, which happens to all of us, should be motivating him to make changes he should've made a long time ago and should be making now. Complaining is just a way for him to occupy his time so that he can avoid doing anything productive. If being a friend to him is contributing to a perpetual cycle he should escape, especially one that affects me, then it does neither of us any good for me to be there for him the way he wants me to be. I don't like feeling so uncaring and resentful towards him. I can't imagine he enjoys being scrutinized by me when he takes a break from being denigrated by his mother. Although he does put himself out there.

No Permanent Guests!

I have a friend whose home situation is unbearable and completely unfair. He dropped out of college, per his mother's request, to make money sooner so that he can help with the bills, as his family was struggling. This was before the dot.com burst, so money was booming in the tech industry. He was rolling in dough. Considering the circumstance, it made sense at the time. Unfortunately, his mother was being a mother, critical and pushy, blaming him of being lazy for not going to college and pursuing something more ambitious and educational for himself. He was in a helpless predicament. The amount of money his family needed allowed him no time to pursue personal interests including his education. That did suck, and he really should continue his education. Nonetheless, his mother was being unreasonable. His sacrifices went unacknowledged. You could even say that he was being scrutinized for it. And what a set up. If he cut back his work hours to go to school, per his mother's recent request, because it would've risen financial conflicts, his mother would continue to antagonize him. It would simply be over a different topic.

As if that suffocating environment weren't bad enough, he became trapped. His mother bought a house out of state and put his name on the lease, making him partially responsible for the mortgage payments. His mother became severely codependent on his financial contribution that she not only involved herself into financially catastrophic investments but it developed into a chronic practice. If he refuses payment, his aging mother would be sent to collections, as her health is deteriorating. It's the worse time for her to face financial burden. With that said, I run the risk of sounding insensitive when I state the obvious that it's still her burden to bear, not his. There are many gray areas. For example, he doesn't want to see her unable to receive medical treatment that she'll probably need in the near future, as she's becoming much older. As long as he's there to support her, things will be somewhat easier for her. But after you cut through the gray areas, it's rather black and white. This is an adult making poor choices that have adverse effects on her life. This isn't a child that needs to be protected. How long must he pay her debt because she gave birth to him?

I know I'm being harsh, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'm wrong. His credit score shouldn't become compromised because of his mother. If anyone should sabotage his credit, it should be him and him alone. As long as he continues to support her, she'll continue to make bad choices, knowing that her son will compensate for the lost money. Be there for her. Help her, by all means. But, ultimately, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. He can't change his mother's actions or circumstance, but he can change his own. It's an unfair position his mother is putting him in, and he should leave it. Who knows? Maybe his absence will inspire more responsible decisions in her own life. Or maybe it won't. That's up to her, though.

I'm good at cutting through bullshit and separating the white and black that make up the gray areas because I pay attention to details, which is why I often run the risk of not seeing the big picture. There are many dimensions to this, and I can usually successfully decode and analyze each element separately. When it comes to combining, incorporating, and unifying a problem, I'm not so skilled. So, I want to step back and review everything. I've considered my friend. I touched on his mother's circumstance, but that's as far as I can travel, being who I am. I was raised to believe that we have to fix all of our own mistakes. As I've gotten older, I realize how simplistic, bleak, and exaggerated that philosophy is, but I can appreciate the message. There are factors to consider such as a young person making a mistake, deserving a second chance, and what not, but she ran out of those factors a long time ago, assuming she even had them.

As destructive as my friend's mother's been on him, she can't be blamed for everything. That was another forced lesson on me. No matter how fucked up people are around you, when you reciprocate, no matter how deserving the recipient is, you chose that form of action. You can't blame it on others. You can admit that it was influenced, but those are two different things. It's difficult to distinguish, but it's still true. My friend's a grown adult. The dot.com burst was a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities to move out and still does, but, for whatever reason, he's choosing not to. After a certain point, I have to consider the possibility that he likes it in some twisted or perverse sort of way. By living under his mother's foot, he doesn't have to enter the unprotected, unsheltered crappy world that's out there. He doesn't have to feel alone, suffer through the pains of becoming independent, he doesn't have to face the unknown, he doesn't have to focus on everyone else, and he has to do one of the hardest things in the world, examine himself. But by closing the outside world, he's also missing out on a lot of great opportunities. As a friend, I'm sad for him.

As a possible roommate, it enrages me! I don't want his problems being transferred onto me. I'm not going to become his roommate, but he doesn't accept that. I'm a very blunt and opinionated person. I'm about as clear in person as I am in writing. If I say so myself, I think my position about this situation has been crystal clear. He has a tendency to cling onto the familiar, no matter how unhealthy it is. While he doesn't admit it often, his silent fear of being alone is overwhelming him. He hasn't even viewed any potential apartments. He's been whining about wanting to move out since last year. It's been over half a year now, and he only went within local proximity to apartment listings last week. I was on the phone with him, pushing him to do this. I basically had to play the mother role for him, as it seems to be the only thing he's receptive to. Quite frankly, I don't think he would've checked if I wasn't on the phone with him. He was within walking distance to both colleges that are likely to post anything within his price range. When he couldn't find guest parking, he almost aborted the entire operation. After reviewing one bulletin board without success, he retreated altogether. He didn't even look for other bulletin boards with the argument that he didn't know there was more than one (probably bullshit) and didn't ask anyone for guidance. He didn't bother to stop by the other college and didn't even tell me he left until he was out of the area.

I truly believe that you can not rely on the universe to get things done for you. I believe that the universe assists and can guide us, if we let it. I believe there are signs everywhere, but I also believe that not all signs depict the right path. Even following the wrong path is a path we can all take. To believe that the universe will provide us with what we need when the time comes is naive and lazy. That message conveys that eventually the truth will come to us no matter what, implying that a lack of effort will still result in answers. Because nothing is set in stone, for a few individuals, that may be true. But why would you rely on that when you can seek the answers yourself? In my experience, the universe, for the most part, doesn't do a goddamn thing to helping me achieve my goals. And when it does, on rare occasions, I usually have to work for it. I truly believe that if you put your sincere and diligent energy and effort towards achieving a specific goal, the universe is more likely to assist you. He hasn't lifted a finger.

I'm not going to reward his lack of efforts by opening my home and enabling him to not become independent. I will not contribute to his chronic problem especially when I don't want any permanent guests! It's so frustrating to me. I'll be honest. I'm not a very sympathetic person. I have the emotional capacity to sympathize, but it's not an emotion I feel too often. You have to be a very well-deserving candidate. And my friend just isn't one of them. I wouldn't even have to consider being sympathetic towards him or not had he have made better choices for himself. This is a controversial subject, so what's right is complicated and questionable. But he wants to escape. That's good enough for me. But you got to do what you got to do to get it done.

I keep thinking, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves." Until I see any efforts from him, I'm not going to offer anything that can perpetuate his problem, both for him and myself. It's not healthy for him. I don't want him believing that he can go on crutching onto other people. I don't want him having his mother's fate. I can't change his behavior, but I can dictate who becomes an occupant in my home. Allowing him to live with me isn't a solution to his problems, so it's self-defeating. And sure as hell am not going to go out of my way and invite cock block (yes, that's the nickname my boyfriend and I gave him) into my home for an unproductive purpose. A part of me feels guilty because, as his friend, I want him to get some peace, and I can provide that for him. But I'm true to who I am. It's selfish, but it's always been me first. Me doesn't want him living with my boyfriend and I. In this case, though, even when I put him first, it doesn't seem logical. I just wish I can get him to understand.

I'm a very persuasive person. If he refuses to leave my home, I won't hesitate calling the police to physically remove him from the premise. So, one way or another, it'll get done. I just hate that I have to convince him of this. It's as though people in my life selectively choose to disregard what I have to say when it's most important. I don't understand. I'm stubborn, articulate, convey my messages rather successfully, and am firm with my decisions. So why does he and, quite frankly, a number of other people dismiss what I have to say, as though my decision will be overturned when the time comes? I suppose there's a possibility that I'm diluted and I'm actually unclear, but I highly doubt that's the case. I'm capable of saying and have said, and I quote, "I don't want any permanent guests in my home." I think that about sums up my answer.