I'm Not Over Him

You know when things don't work out, and you're devastated? But you don't allow yourself to feel what you feel. Or at least I don't. I've never been the girl that stays in, cries, and buys pints full of ice cream. I'm not saying that girls who do this plan for it or anything. I'm just saying that that's never been me. Sometimes at random times, I would feel awful about how things turned out. I have no idea what triggers those thoughts at those points in time. I guess I have been ignoring how I'm feeling, but it didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like I was suppressing. I have kept myself busy, but I'm a busy person. So I had no idea how much I'm still into him until I saw him unexpectedly. I feel like if I didn't paralyze that we might have had what would qualify as a conversation, but I was too busy processing what was going on. Sometimes I feel like breaking down. So many new things are happening to me. I was never the girl who just started crying on a guy. I hate it. It's terrifying. I hate being afraid of how I feel. I hate that I've been estranged from my feelings for as long as I have. I hate that I'm realizing that I've always been like this, but for whatever reason, I've hidden it.

Lost Friends

In life we gain and lose friends. But it's important to realize that just because you lose some of them, it doesn't mean that they were never our friends at one point. People change and grow. Some people grow with us; some without us. It's unfortunate sometimes. Other times, it's liberating to release yourself from the burdens of a dying or dead friendship. No matter how much you want something, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. That's life. It's neither bleak or beautiful if you strip away the emotions that define or trap us. I'm not suggesting that we approach life in an emotionally disconnected way. I've recently realized the importance of emotional awareness and just feeling anything. But sometimes emotions can cloud and confuse us. It's meant to guide and help us. When it has the opposite effect, I find that there's value to not getting caught in the cobwebs of our emotions. It is what it is. Once you see it for what it is, things become clearer. Be sad. Be happy. Feel. Don't ignore it. Don't deny it. Don't fight it. After all, it is what it is. In life, we gain things and lose things. That is the order of the universe. No matter how much you wish things are different, things are the way they are. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move forward and learn the value of living in the moment.

Dedicated to My Boyfriend

My entries usually reflect my life and, more often than not, it involves epiphanies and unpleasant experiences. I neglect to blog about good things in my life because they don't bother me. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, they don't have as much of a priority to me because of it. When things bother me, I have to vent for my sanity. Yet with epiphanies, I make the time to address them, although they're aren't disruptive in my life, either. They're actually enlightening. That's an unfair double standard. If anything, I should use my energy more productively and positively by focusing on the better aspects of my life such as my boyfriend. I always felt cheesy bragging about my man. Every girl thinks she has the best. So who cares? But why am I so concerned about that? I certainly don't show the same consideration with other entries? Besides, one of my problems has always been ingratitude. I truly believe that when you expose yourself to positive energies, a positive environment, and live your life better that the universe will assist in your equilibrium. So, it's time I make a change. (For one thing, I should start focusing on not making my boyfriend's "entry" about me).

Here goes the cliques and the Ripley's Believe It or Not (exaggeration). My boyfriend is amazing. We've been together for over six years now, and our relationship is still fun, unpredictable, committed but also stable, loving, and evolving. It has a rare and healthy balance. It works because of who he is and who I am. I think that in a lot of relationships individuals don't know who they are, so their identity gets compromised. You can't have a successful relationship without knowing who you are. I know that I'm out of order with my whole bragging about my relationship, but it's not new. So, I'm less impressed with how awesome he is and way more touched by how good we are together. Going on and on about how amazing your man is is an act of a new relationship. Over time that dreamy perspective fogs with reality. When after all of that, you can look your lover in the eyes and really care about him, that's love. After all, it's easy to love someone who seems virtually perfect.

My boyfriend is far from perfect, but I love him. Perfection is unachievable, and I've learned to appreciate that reality. It makes things interesting. He's funny, which is significant because humor was never a requirement for me, as I have no humor whatsoever. And then I met him. I laugh so much that I have to make sure to moisturize. He's a great person, a wonderful friend, the most considerate roommate, and an amazing boyfriend. He's a successfully ATTENTIVE LISTENER. Trust me, I tested his abilities rigorously. I talk fast. I don't slow down. I have a lot to say. I've been compared to Six from the old TV show Blossom. She talks super fast. I didn't just test my boyfriend based on regular speed. In fact, out of amusement, with the predisposed notion that he would undoubtedly fail to comprehend anything I had to say, I spoke really, really quickly with random, irrelevant information every few sentences or so. Then I abruptly stopped and asked him what he thought. I just think it's funny to see guys panic, but to my surprise and shock, he heard EVERYTHING I said. Not just that but his listening skills are so refined that he corrected me. What a rare breed he is.

He's also sweet, caring, considerate, endlessly thoughtful, trusting, loving, understanding, and patient, great qualities for boyfriends to have. But the reality is, you can't live on Prince Charming qualities alone, long-term anyways. He's also intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, perceptive, innovative, and ambitious. These added qualities enrich our relationship and allow us to connect at a deeper level. We're crazy about each other, but we can also be adversaries. We can talk about anthropology and start cracking up. Okay, that just makes us sound immature and unfocused, which we sometimes are, but it's not like that. There's just so much more.

There are so many dimensions to our relationship, some of which I thought weren't possible. I love him because of who he is not just as a boyfriend but as a person. He has a strong sense of self, but so do I. That's so important. I've loved before, but it was never like this because it was the wrong guy but also I was different. I've always been a strong person, but I was also lost. You can't have a successful relationship until you discover who you are. We both know who we are, so we know that we work well together because we're not bullshitting. I love him for who he is. I love how he makes me feel. I love who I am when I'm with him. I love how we are together. There's a lot to be said about a happy and thriving relationship after all of these years. The crazy thing is that we're still learning a lot about each other. It's never boring for us.

Organizational Delay

As I was sorting through unmemorable photographs, I came across some meaningful ones of boyfriend and I. I was pleasantly surprised because we've been together for over six years now, and I feel like we have no evidence of that. I'm a picture person, but I'm more into photographing inanimate objects. Plus, my boyfriend's lazy eye really comes out in our photos, but it's not that obvious in person. I feel like photos don't really capture who we are. He always appears to be looking somewhere else. Even when I was photographed often, I never made the initiative. I guess a lot of time went by without much record. There's still quite a bit of photos of us that I want to display. I've decided to incorporate them into my craft projects. It's when I took the time to stop and think that I realized I barely mention my boyfriend. He's a huge part of my life, and he goes unacknowledged. I created labels for other people in my life, but I never did that for him. That reflects more negatively on my priorities. The thoughts I make an effort to post are troublesome, rarely are they about things I truly appreciate. That has to change. He means the world to me.