AJ tried to teach me the value of being comfortable in my own skin. I'm aware that there's value in being comfortable, but I don't think I ever understood it before. I don't think I still do. But since its importance has been emphasized to me, I'm starting to see circumstances where being comfortable in my own skin will be of significance.
I hate feeling insecure about myself. I hate incessant thoughts that haunt me. They prevent me from feeling secure about myself, even when they shouldn't, even when I don't believe it. But that's not even the point. Attraction is subjective. I think it's important that everyone feels secure, comfortable, and confident in themselves regardless of aesthetics. I'm not talking from experience, but I imagine the confidence is amazing.
There's so much in life that I don't appreciate because I'm unable to embrace it since all I see are the drawbacks. What a disturbing way to exist. I don't want to exist; I want to live. So long as I only see the negatives, I'm always going to have a single-minded perspective. And I want to be a well-rounded individual. But, most of all, I want to appreciate what I have.
By focusing on the negatives, I perceive myself as not deserving things. Then I project that onto others. I used to be thoroughly 100% against going out with someone who was perceived as difficult. I realized how bigoted of me that is. Even difficult people are amazing people. How much have I limited myself in the past because of this? It not only polluted my mentality, but I was totally discriminating towards others who didn't deserve it.
It's come to my attention how flawed my perspective became when I started thinking like a girl so to speak. I've been talking to this girl, and she does a lot of judging girls outfits. It sort of put me in that mode, and I remember looking at a fat girl and thinking how she probably won't be able to find someone who loves her because she's so fat. I didn't think she was an awful person, but I was so one-dimensional and insensitive about the entire thing. It turns out that she's engaged! How could I have gotten this so wrong? I remember thinking that if she found someone, I should be able to find someone. Isn't that awful? My ability to find someone shouldn't and isn't comparable. How can I be so vain and narrow-minded? I swear that's not the kind of person I am, but a part of my mentality needs to be told that then. I have to learn to be comfortable in my own skin!
I want to enjoy what I have without obliterating those talents because they aren't flawless. I'm human. Of course, I'm not going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't embrace the qualities I do have. I want to become a writer. I do think I have a talent in that area. Yet I can't bring myself to comfortably admit that I'm a talented writer because there are so many better writers out there. That doesn't change the skills and talents I have. On some level, I know that. I'm tired of having this disconnect. It permeates so many aspects of my life. I'm sick of it.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin
My Sanctuary Gone
AJ once told me that I open up more in my own room than anywhere else. That shocked me because I hate that place. He said, "You may hate that it's your home, but it's your home." In spite of how messy it is and how toxic the energy is, a place where I can be open is a sanctuary, is my sanctuary. It's difficult for me to open up, so it's huge. I'm not sad that I'm leaving that place, but I'm sad that the sanctuary I've built there is gone. No, not gone just homeless. I guess I'll have to find a sanctuary somewhere else. I can do that. I just have to find a place first.
My Discombobulated Feelings
WHAT I BELIEVE:
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.
There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.
HOW I AM/HOW I FEEL NOW:
I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.
Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.
I was terrified by what I was feeling for you.
You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.
What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?
When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.
WHAT I'M DOING:
I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me.
HOW HE MUST'VE FELT:
Sometimes you have to forget how you feel; and remember what you deserve.
The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.
WHAT I SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON BUT IGNORED...
Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?
Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.
Be authentic and direct in communication.
WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE:
There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.
When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.
When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.
Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.
Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.
WHAT I'M AFRAID OF:
When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.
Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.
There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.
Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.
Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.
Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.
Be authentic and direct in communication.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.
Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us?
Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment.
Be authentic and direct in communication.
WHAT I NEED TO ACCEPT AND LEARN (things I'm trying to come to grips with):
Don’t worry about the people in your past because they aren’t in your future for a reason.
Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be. You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer.
Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, have no regrets, and forget the bad in the past. Just remember what all it has taught you.
Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.
I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.
You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.
What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?
When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.
The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.
Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.
Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.
When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.
Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.
Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.
LASTLY....
Bob Marley's lesson on love...
You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you the part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.
Fake it Til Then
"I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me." Do I want to lie? Of course not. But what else is there to do? I'm not going to cry about how it turned out, about what didn't happen, or dwell about what could've been. I have two choices. Let it all out, which is probably more therapeutic but runs the risk of turning into a perpetual cycle. Plus, I have an addictive personality. I don't want to be in pain. So why would I intentionally expose myself to it? It's not like socializing and just hanging out with my friends mean that I'm suppressing the truth. I'm just not focusing on it. Why become a depressed burden? I figured fake it til then...but guess what? Fail...epic fail!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to feel it, but I do. I don't want to become a depressed burden, but that's the natural coarse. Suppression, apparently, comes in many forms. Faking it til then doesn't work. If you lie to yourself long enough, even though you'll never truly believe it, your brain gets wired all wonky with these mixed signals of being "okay" with conflict thoughts and feelings. So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Why It's So Hard to Accept
What makes letting him go so difficult is the very true reality that if I didn't deliberately sabotage what we had, it could've worked. I mean really worked. I've never felt such fear and certainty about a single source. In the past I would require clarification because I truly didn't trust people, but this time around, I needed clarification because I wanted to make sure that the floating sense that was trust was appropriate as if it can be defined in that sort of way. I've never looked within myself before. I always sought external sources, and I was doing that again, but he was trying to teach me to trust myself. Instead of realizing that he was trying to lead me to myself, I took his obscurity as a deliberate technique to absolve any responsibility. I totally ignored the reality that as my friend, he wouldn't betray me like that.
I've never looked within myself, let alone trusted myself. When I was exposed to it (myself), I saw and felt that I do have the ability to uncover the mysteries I seek in others to provide me with. But I was afraid of the idea of being accountable for them. If others lied to me, it's their fault. If I believe the wrong thing, I would be forced to transfer the same treatment onto others on myself, basically blame myself. That logic is severely flawed and one I want to explore at a later time.
My point is that my fear to trust myself stopped me from embracing the relationship for what it was. I prepared myself as though I was wrong already but took it out on him, as though he did something wrong. He put a lot of effort into opening up to me, something he rarely does. He shared with me things that he didn't share with others and because it seemed clique, I accused him of being dishonest. It was so unfair to him; I was unfair to him. The more he tried to help me, the more I attacked him. I pushed and pushed until the thread broke.
I kept focusing on all the things that made us different, that makes couples incompatible, while failing to realize how much we had in common. Even the things that separate us made us closer. The things that usually break relationships because of their differences were factors that weren't really at play for us. They were so superficial.
For the first time, I felt what someone felt for me. It was intense and sincere in ways I could've never imagined. I can't believe I thought that I didn't matter to him considering all of that. But it makes me wonder how much I really meant to him if we can't even be friends. Then again, maybe that's why we can't be friends because the feelings are still there. If the feelings are still there, it makes me wonder how much is repairable. It's incredible how powerful my words can be. I know that I'm an influential person, but I think I fail to realize the impact I can have because I don't have the same experience. So I couldn't know. It kills me to think that I was the one who made him feel that way about me and equally lose interest in me. I keep thinking that if I had it in me to attract him, I could do it again. But that's not the point is it? And this is all assuming that it's true.
I just wanted to get it off of my chest that it's hard to accept because I know how much he felt for me. Does something like that just disappear? If it does, how significant was I to him? If it doesn't, then is there hope? The problem with this mentality is that I run in circles and never complete the thought. At the end it doesn't matter. Yes, I feel awful. But I'm doing the same thing now. I'm not actually expressing what I feel. I can change how I feel about him about as much as I can change the circumstance. It is what it is. More importantly, it is not what it is not.
Emotions Outside of my Realm
I feel like I'm not feeling what I should feel because I'm protected from it by an invisible bubble. It's the best analogy I can come up with. I feel a hint of mild depression and weakening resistance. I know it's coming from me, but it feels external. It's weird. Maybe my subconscious is trying to protect me from the overwhelming emotions I would be exposed to by sheltering me from it. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I want to be aware of it because so many of my personal issues are more ingrained in me than I've originally realized. It may sometimes be apparent to others, but it isn't to me. I may have felt it at one point, but it becomes like background noise. Something I should be aware of just becomes something I learn to ignore or cope with when I shouldn't. So I want to not necessarily focus on these feelings but be aware that they're there.
I Feel How I Feel
Why is it easier on some days? What triggers these feelings? How come sometimes I feel fine and in an instant, I get bummed out. I don't understand how this works. I know I'm not over him, which makes no sense to me. But I'm starting to think that it's not meant to. I've exhausted myself trying to over-analyze that with excruciating abandon. I've finally accepted that I don't understand it. Every so often I return to my over-thinking nature out of habit and sometimes as an escape mechanism, but deep down I'm starting to realize that the hidden answer, assuming it even exists, doesn't really matter. I just have to reach a point where I fully accept that. I'm making progress, though. That's something. I'm trapped in a parallel unsure how to proceed. For a while I did dive into a bunch of things, overworking, over-socializing, sleep-deprivation, all as a way to feel less. I'm no longer doing that, and I'm able to function. I don't try to not think about him. So sometimes I forget how much I'm not over him. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me, but I suppose I should be grateful. I don't think I can handle being aware all the time. But I don't get it. If I can go without thinking about him and being okay, then why am I not over him? If I'm not over him, how come I feel fine? I don't want to return to being emotionally insane, but at least that made sense. I guess I need to work on accepting how I feel. After all, I feel how I feel.
The Quote that Truly Touched Me
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
I used to do things that made people describe me as daring and impulsive, but the truth is that I'm a VERY good planner. I even plan things that appear spontaneous. I'm always blabbing that I think people fail to realize that it's usually my idea to do something completely insane! As long as it's on my terms and I plan for EVERYTHING, I'm okay with it.
I never actually realized how closed off I am before until someone brought it to my attention. He's a really guarded person, so it really opened my eyes to how I really am. I'm not that good at reading people, so I never really understood any of this before. I just thought I did. When AJ became less guarded around me, I didn't really notice until I was told so. I never noticed before that he was guarded until I saw the contrast. I'm so different from him that I would've never guessed that I had my own version of guardedness. I never really knew that different kinds of guardedness existed, although it makes sense that it does.
I know that how I feel for the most part is transparent because of how people react around me and the comments they make towards me. That led me to believe that I'm an open person, but that's not true. I can't contain how I feel; I don't know how to. As a result, it becomes exposed. There aren't too many things I know how to hold in, but those things I never really reveal. I'm a guarded, closed-off person by nature but not an ability I've learned to harness like AJ's.
The first time I've ever felt exposed and vulnerable, my emotions poured out of me but not by choice. I tried to hold in as much as I can for fears I can't even articulate or even perceive. I pushed away the one first person who was exposing me to who I am, the raw truth I didnt' even know I was hiding from myself. In my mind even though I never really admitted it to myself and even though this is the "truth" I was willing to share with myself, I kept fearing that I would be rejected for what I want, how I feel, and who I am. But the real truth is that I feared being accepted for what I want, how I feel, and who I am.
I've never been comfortable outside of my natural element. I like being in control, feeling in control, being able to call the shots, all the unhealthy desires that cling to us for all of the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to be pushed into a direction you're afraid of going in order to acheive something great. Sometimes you need an external force to make that happen. I was so afraid of taking that step, but I withdrew completely until that force and everything about it disappeared. All I could think when it was there was how I wanted to escape. Now that it's gone, I realized how wrong I was. In retrospect, it makes no sense that I was afraid. But without that experience, I would've never believed it. That's why this quote touched me so much.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~Thanks for sharing this quote. It's one thing to have an experience and remember it, but it's another thing when you find a quote that encompasses how you feel. There's something about a written manifestation of it that makes it more real.
Our Paths in Life
I believe that we're all meant to be somewhere at any given time. But I also firmly believe that we don't always go where we're supposed to. However, every action has a consequence. You may have taken the wrong path when you began that road. But by taking that road, you've changed the course. Now you're meant to be on the new path. The hardest part about this is leaving the past behind you, accepting that you'll never know what could've been, that in life you'll be plagued with unfinished realities. Sometimes all you can do is look to the future and leave the past behind you if you ever expect to move forward. But how the Hell do you do that?
I Figured It Out
I was told that I fell in love with him, which seemed like the craziest thing to say. For the first time I was exposed, vulnerable, fragile, and unprotected. Who I am and what I felt wasn't concealed. It took our relationship to a place I never knew existed. He means more to me than he'll ever know. That'll never change. It's because of this that I care so much for him. Do I have feelings for him? Absolutely. I didn't want things to end; I just wasn't ready to deal with my emotions, my feelings. I want to be with him in spite of how I reacted. So I'm still living in the past.
It doesn't mean that I fell in love with him. I had this indescribable sense of calmness, openness, and vulnerability towards him, which made me receptive to what he was teaching me - living in the moment. My friend believes that I was open to it all because I was in love with him. That's why he believes that no one else has ever been successful where he was. I personally think that that undermines the personal transformation I'VE undergone. I wasn't receptive before because I wasn't ready, not because of something external. But I do believe that I've been lying, hiding the truth from myself.
What my friend picked up on wasn't feelings I have for him now but feelings I couldn't had for him. I felt its presence, and it seemed paradoxically natural but out of place. That's because I believe those feelings weren't meant to be there yet. But they were, which made everything intense and confusing. I felt everything and so much of it all at the same time. It was emotional sensory overload. I've never been good at handling everything at once, but that's because I try to reject some of it. It doesn't work that way.
In retrospect, I should've known this. I kept saying he's not the one, he's not the one. Even I know he's not the one. Who was I trying to convince saying it over and over? I kept repeating myself not because I believed it (quite the opposite), but as one of my methods to reject what I was feeling. The truth is I think I knew he was the one, the one I could've fallen in love with. That means even more exposure and vulnerability. That's a frightening idea. I couldn't handle it.
To a certain degree I believed it when I told myself that I knew he wasn't the one. Having a bigoted idea of what that meant made it morebelievable, too. He's so different and not my usual type. He's the last person you'd expect me with. So there was an element of believability, although it wasn't very powerful. After all I needed to keep reminding myself that he wasn't the one.
There was an internal conflict going on because I felt what I felt and knew what I knew. The two concepts don't merge. That's because I was so closed-minded. I have this perceived notion of how things are. Here I thought I was so open-minded when in reality I suffer from the same social conditionings that limit so many others. Mine is more damaging than I realized. It sabotaged me from taking a chance to be with someone, I mean really be with someone who changed my life because he was the one.
I'm Not Over Him
You know when things don't work out, and you're devastated? But you don't allow yourself to feel what you feel. Or at least I don't. I've never been the girl that stays in, cries, and buys pints full of ice cream. I'm not saying that girls who do this plan for it or anything. I'm just saying that that's never been me. Sometimes at random times, I would feel awful about how things turned out. I have no idea what triggers those thoughts at those points in time. I guess I have been ignoring how I'm feeling, but it didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like I was suppressing. I have kept myself busy, but I'm a busy person. So I had no idea how much I'm still into him until I saw him unexpectedly. I feel like if I didn't paralyze that we might have had what would qualify as a conversation, but I was too busy processing what was going on. Sometimes I feel like breaking down. So many new things are happening to me. I was never the girl who just started crying on a guy. I hate it. It's terrifying. I hate being afraid of how I feel. I hate that I've been estranged from my feelings for as long as I have. I hate that I'm realizing that I've always been like this, but for whatever reason, I've hidden it.
Not the Second Chance I Was Hoping For
I truly believe that if you really want something AND you put your energy towards achieving that goal the universe will be compelled to assist you. Sometimes, I really, really want something. I'm consumed by that desire, but I don't focus on the details. The next thing I know I get something similar to what I've been wanting but not quite that.
I never really believed in second chances. However when I had a vested interested in it, my position changed. I hate how things turned out, and I wish things were different. I kept thinking about how if I had a second chance, I would do it differently. I learned from my mistake. Then I'm given a second chance but not with him.
Working at the salon and faking the way I did was wrong. You wear a mask long enough, and it becomes you. That's how my tolerance increased. I barely had any before I started working there. Deep down, I knew I didn't belong there. it was so obvious, what with the anti-social behavior and all. I pretended to be someone I'm not, and it backfired. I learned that I never want to be in that situation again.
I landed a commission-based only job as a Sales Associate for a shoe store. It's not as awful as you would think it is. I'm not bored to tears. The tasks are rather repetitive. There's no room for growth in that job. But since I've learned to live in the moment, I live less inside my head, which makes working for a company like this more tolerable. I'm not intimidated or discouraged about being an annoying sales person. I'm not counting down until I'm off work. I'm not frustrated by the incessant customers who waste my time. I go through the motions, but I'm not pained by it. This isn't the second chance I was referring to, but this is a second chance, an opportunity to make the best of things.
What I don't like about this job is the circumstance it puts me in. I don't like the idea of working at a place where I have a vested interest in manipulating people because that's how I earn my source of income. Even if the customers are willing candidates, I don't want a job that makes me feel compelled to behave a certain way that's unnatural to who I am. I did it before, and it didn't work out. I've learned from my mistake. Being someone I'm not is unfavorable. It's important that I be authentic. This job doesn't permit that.
When a customer wants to see only one pair of shoes, it's my responsibility to bring out four different styles and entice them to make multiple purchases. I'm rewarded when customers buy more stuff. I hate to admit it, but I'm good at my job. I was also good at being a weak-willed pushover. It sure as hell didn't mean that I should do it. In this economy, I hate the idea of encouraging frivolous purchases. It may seem financially irresponsible to give up my only source of income no matter how sparse it is, but as my friend put it, I want to be able to sleep at night. So true. I feel guilty because this job isn't for me. I can convince myself all I want that I'm not forcing anyone's hand, but then I wouldn't feel so guilty. Besides, I have cash reserves. That doesn't mean that I want to tap into it, but it's meant to be there for that. I'd rather do that than compromise my integrity.
I wanted a second chance, and I got one. It may not have been the one I was looking for, but this is where I am now. I have a second chance to make the right choice, which is to leave before this job consumes me. I don't belong there. Just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I should pursue it. I printed my resignation letter and handed it in today. I got a call from my manager, asking me to call him back to talk to him about what's going on.
I think this where AJ's message becomes crucial - I don't always have to explain myself. Unlike the lesson about living in the moment, which I actually understand through experience, this other message appears important, but I'm not quite sure why. I suspect that in order to become comfortable in my own skin, I have to embrace the fact that I don't always have to explain myself. I'm never going to be comfortable with who I am if I'm constantly defending myself.
I'm compelled to provide an explanation, but that doesn't mean that I have to or that I should. I want to resign on positive terms. I don't want to explain why I'm going to quit. So tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be able to keep it simple, another challenge of mine. I'm going to let him know that it's not a good fit for me. I'm worried that he'll appeal to my logical side and ask if I have another job offer lined up. He might try and convince me to hold onto the job for a little bit. During that time period, I might get comfortable there like I did at the salon. That's what I want to avoid.
Well whatever happens happens. What's important is that I realize what's truly important and that my priorities and perspective for the first time in my life is where they should be. I got the ball rolling. I'm working towards being the kind of person I can respect. I handed in my resignation letter, and I'm quitting in two weeks! I can't believe I'm not freaked out by this. I'll soon be joining the unemployment force, again...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I Reacted, Rather Than Acted
I can’t believe I exposed my vulnerability to him. I’m easy to read, and I “reveal” a lot of things to people. But, really, I’m selective about what I open up about and I conceal a lot. My past is unknown to most people. What I do share is really trivial stuff. I never realized this until now, but I’m selectively open to certain types of people. I think it’s subconsciously controlled. Some people are just more receptive to my past and my inner self. When I sense that, I respond differently. It’s been a while since I’ve attracted people who understand, I mean really understand, that life, that world. So, I think it made it easy to bond and connect with him. I think it happened before I was even aware of it.
Sometimes reacting is better than acting because I’m not over-analyzing. Even if those reasons aren’t known to me at that point in time, I have to trust that somewhere inside of me; I know what I’m doing. That’s how it began, and it was clearly the right move. It’s scary, though, to just react and not be in control. When I realized that I wasn’t in control of my emotions and I opened up to him without realizing it, I started shutting down. I kept thinking that he was so guarded, that I wanted him to open up. I didn’t realize how closed-off I was, I am. That’s when I stopped reacting and began acting.
Sarah posted this beautifully expressed quote that I think conveys what I’ve just discovered and realized I need to do in order to find that connection I feel has been missing in my life. “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” –Alex Karras.
I think I’m more broken and damaged than other people, but I’m also stronger as a result. People see me struggle, but I never let it keep me down. People tell me that I’m strong, and I never believed it because something about that message seemed off somehow. I’m starting to realize that I am a strong individual, but I’m also starting to understand why I was conflicted by the idea of that. “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them.” I’ve never openly or deliberately revealed my insecurities until recently, and I broke down. But it was refreshing and a learning experience. I’m not as strong as I’d like to be; I’m not as strong as I wish I am; I’m not as strong as I feel I should and can be. I’ve dominated people more than I have related to them. Relating to people makes me realize how much courage I can have and how weak I actually am in perception. I was a blind reflex girl but not anymore.
I’m starting to change. I’m both frightened and excited by it. I’m losing a part of who I am to gain a new side. My overly logical and disconnected barrier is starting to chip away, which is necessary if I’m ever to be emotionally connected the way I want to be. I’m tired of being overly logical until my logic fails me and then I become emotionally-erratic. Even though emotions aren’t the most controllable essence in this world, I want to be more connected to it. I want to be able to open up when I want to, know how to do that, realize when I’m doing that, realize when I’m not doing that, to be familiar with my feelings even. However, when my emotion takes charge, my objectivity isn’t present. That can become problematic if analytical thought is necessary, but I’m starting to be open to the idea of losing that side of me if that’s the only way to achieve what I’ve always wanted. In the past, I was never willing to make that sacrifice. Even though finding balance has always been the one thing I could never do, I honestly believe that this is a balance I can achieve – maintain my objectivity and access it when it’s necessary, while simultaneously being led by my intuition and being connected to everything I’m a part of.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Living in the Moment #2
Thursday, April 16, 2009
25% of my Senses
Meaningful Messages
Second Chances
Live in the moment. I don't always have to explain myself. As desirable as it is at times, only by learning this lesson will I be comfortable in my own skin. So long as I explain myself to others when it's not necessary, regardless of my motives, it prevents me from being comfortable with myself. After all, how can I be comfortable in my own skin if I'm constantly defending myself? For someone who never cared about what other people think of me, I made a lot of effort to portray a certain image according to my standard. As it turns out, I'm not concerned with what people think of me. So, why is it that I've never been comfortable in my own skin? Because I'm overly concerned with what I think of myself to a ruthless standard. I never realized the damage and implication it has on the people I care about. I project this standard onto others. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was never aware of what I was doing.
I'm grateful for the lessons he's taught me in ways he'll never understand even if we were still in contact. He's taught me a lot about myself and about life. Here I thought that it was important that I go out with someone who lives on his own so that he can be at the same place I am in life because there are certain experiences you can only gain by being independent. As it turns out, I was the one who needed to gain experiences. I just wish I could've been able to discover all this without hurting him, without losing him. I understand that these things happen and is sometimes necessary, but I'm still saddened by it. I hope I get a second chance with him. At the very least, I hope there's a way for him to find out how I really feel about him.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Living in the Moment
The beauty and sadness of living in the moment is that you truly live in the moment for all that it is, all of it and nothing else. By living exactly in the moment you get to experience and feel everything. It's intoxicating. By not concerning yourself with the consequences, future fears, or past torments, there are no burdens hindering you, nothing but an exhilarating moment waiting to be experienced for all that it is. And yet the pain about living in the moment is that as fulfilling as it is at that moment, when it passes, it's gone. That's it. No looking back. It makes it easier to be taken over by your emotions if you're willing to surrender. But if you're not, then you're forever hiding in the shadows right next to the moment, envious, bitter, and too shy to embrace all that it can offer you until it leaves. Nothing left but a dead carcass at the end. That is why every moment should be lived to the fullest in that exact moment and time because as quickly as it came, it can be gone. Live in the moment. Each one is given for a reason except to ignore it. Embrace it. Live it. Experience it.