The Pressures of Stress and Defining Moments

I was asked to write an article about a close and personal friend of mine. I was experiencing a mixed sense of flattery and terrified thoughts, to be honored and entrusted with something so powerful and emotional, it's indescribable. I've always referred to myself as a writer. And for most of my life, I believed that. I still do. But just as everyone starts to question themselves and their abilities, I've started to do the same. I've always known I wanted to become a writer for so long. It's easy for my mind to play tricks on me. As a child, you don't really know any better. Wanting something so passionately as a child and growing into it can blind a person to the ugly truth that'll expose the light on the harsh reality that it's nothing more than an unattainable dream. Do I honestly think that this applies to me? Normally, no. But the fact that these fears have an element of truth to them makes it all the more frightening.

My friend's a beautiful writer. In many ways, he's a writer at heart that I could never become because he's an introvert. I believe that the best writers are introverts. I think I'm a writer, but I'm far from an introvert. I have the skills and talents of an introvert, but I'm an extrovert. I basically travel into a world I don't belong in, which isn't to say that I'm not meant to be there, but there will always be some level of disconnect. I worry that I can't do him justice because my writing will never be as eloquent as his.

I'm starting to realize how flawed my perspective is. For someone who doesn't care much about what others think of me, I'm desperate that people remember me in the accurate way I try to depict myself. That's very paradoxical and doesn't make much sense. I want to be remembered for who I am. For the people who don't know me, know the real me, how they perceive me means very little to me. Yet I'm desperate to be different and stand out.

Recently I've realized that wanting so desperately to stand out censors me from doing what I want because it runs the risk of me not standing out. A lot of it stems from the insecurities I possess. It's interesting how other people can see my talent when I can barely notice it myself. And it's supposedly something I possess. I wonder how much of my friend's trust has to do with how much he trusts me as a person or my skills as a writer.

I was told by a wise classmate of mine once that there are different types of writers just as there are different types of singers. Some singers do opera and others do jazz. They're both equally talented, but their styles are different. What she said really affected and resonated in me. It's something I need to remember on an active level especially since I feel like my writing is inferior compared to my friend's. I don't want to feel that way for my well-being. I also think it's important to not have those insecurities and doubts because they attract certain negative energies, and I don't want that for myself or for the person who trusts me. Our feelings are more powerful than we realize.

Anyways, I've side tracked a lot. I wanted to take the time and write about how it felt to be given something so powerful and fragile to me and the pressures that came with it. I wanted to become a journalist at one point in my life, but that dream left long ago as I've changed as a person. Being asked to write an article in such a short notice and having it all sent by 3 pm gave me insight into what life as a journalist would be like. It's not for me. It's something I imagine I can do and do well because I function well under stress. But that's not necessarily a good thing. Just because I can tolerate something doesn't mean that I should.

Since I've actually experienced life without stress very, very recently, the contrast cuts through me like a blade. I wouldn't want that to be my life. In the past, that's all I knew. So I would've been more than willing to take on that sort of pressure. If I had, I probably would've never known what it was like to not stress. Avoiding stress has actually become a priority for me, although it's in my natural nature to stress. I'm not sure that's something I want to remove. I know I can try to remove my nature, but I'd be shifting so much of who I am, and I don't think I want to do that. This isn't my clinginess talking. This is me. It's all about choices, right?