The Root of my OCD

I was actually having an intriguing conversation with my cousin about our OCD. I used to consider it mild, but that's not accurate. There are people who are worse than me, but it has the ability to consume me. I've touched on it lightly in my past notes, but I feel like I have more elaborate insight after bonding with her. My OCD manifests in repetition and exactness. I have a particular interest in things going exactly where I believe they should be; it's a control issue, which makes sense considering how my life is. Everything's chaotic, unpredictable, full of drama, and it feels like so much spirals out of control. I have to do something to give me a sense of control and stability. The rigidity also makes tolerating the unexpectedness that occurs in my life and the stress that follows more challenging, but it still offers a false sense of security and placement. I, either, have to learn how to move with the changes and flows of my life like water or find ways to manage with the constant change. I think OCD has been the second coping mechanism for my life, and it's failed me. The idea of adapting when I've lived life so rigidly makes me feel like it's implausible, but I could say that about a lot of changes I've made recently.

You can't remove an obsession; you have to replace it. But that isn't to say that you can't channel it differently and alter the concentration or variation of it. People who do repetitive tasks apparently do it because it calms them from the thoughts and feelings they experience. My OCD almost acts as a way for me to not deal with my emotions, which explains why I started developing manic tendencies as I indulged less in my OCD. The only way I feel I can manage this productively is by relying less on my OCD. By practicing and exposing myself to the unpredictabilities of life, I'll do a better job accepting and adapting to what happens to me. That should help me emotionally, too. But the only way to help myself emotionally is by exposing myself to it, something I've spent so long avoiding. As I become better at dealing with it, I'll hopefully stabilize.

I don't want to rid myself of my OCD, which is good because I can't even if I wanted to. But I don't want it to control me. I want to channel it to my benefit. It could be used wisely, and it's a part of who I am. I don't want to get rid of that, but I want to better myself as a person, too. The key is to understanding the root of my OCD. Thanks for the insights, lil cousin!