My Past Still Haunts Me

There was a girl who incapacitated my growth in security and self-confidence because I let her. There were other girls there, too, and she isn't even the only one. But I was most affected by her for a number of factors that I frankly don't want to elaborate on. She put effort into making me feel inferior and inadequate, but she also in a perverse way respected me. I knew that because she totally saved my ass when I got jumped, and she had nothing to gain from helping me out. She wanted my life, my boyfriend, and my friends, but she never talked about it. So it wasn't to gain the upper hand. I was always so conflicted about her because her ability to be such a malicious person was equaled by her compassion. I can honestly say that she is a better person than me, but being fucked up is a part of her identity. I'm not fucked up. Well, not like her, anyways.

I don't feel happy that she's suffering, but I do experience a sense of relief, to know that she pains like the rest of us. She's so attractive and has resources I could never imagine. It was easy to feel so insignificant around her. I envied her because I thought she was immune to things that plague me. I feel for her when I see that she's suffering. It's twisted that I feel better about myself when I know this. I found her to be so intangible, and it's humbling to know that I can relate to someone so fierce.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison