Free Time Doesn't Always Equal Free Thoughts

I'm sick and at home right now. I'm working from home, and my job isn't by any means kick back. But sometimes I manage to find a little bit of free time before it gets hectic again. I have some free time right now, but I don't have much to express. I think it's interesting how when I'm so busy that I feel like I have barely any time to breathe, I can find the time to express myself. If I'm given 10 consecutive, uninterrupted minutes, I'll write a LONG note about how I feel. At times when my life is so busy and I barely have the time to feel anything, everything just penetrates inside of me like a poison that consumes me.

I think it has something to do with my all or nothing reaction. Sometimes I try so hard to keep busy because I can't deal with the pain, but pain can't be neutralized by distraction. I think I usually find myself busy when I'm in pain as a coping mechanism. Other times being busy just makes me think of the things that used to pain me. It's almost a form of social conditioning. Overwork is associated with pain in some ways. Or maybe because being busy makes me so emotionally-disconnected that my mind tries to rev up that side of me. After all, who am I without my emotions, without a sense of feeling? I think it's the last one actually. It has been lately anyways.

I feel like I want to use this free time to get in touch with my emotions and myself, but I'm unable to. I wish I can blame it on being sick, but I don't think that's what it is. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I should enjoy the fact that my mind isn't racing with thoughts right now. That's certainly a plus.

Channeling What I Have

I think my friend described me perfectly. "I think incessant thoughts are a sign of higher intelligence but unchanneled it can drive you nuts!" It's so obvious, yet profound. People seem to be endlessly fascinated by how my mind works. It has such a dynamic range and an even more dynamic consequence. My math professor told me that I'm UC material, but I'd be smarter if I thought less. Most professors tell me that the best advice they can give me is to think less. My friend, AJ, told me that I have a drug addict's mentality. Another told me that I'm not happy because my parents are in my head and that I need to get rid of those thoughts because the older I get it, the louder they become. It's true. My friends, who by the way don't have facebook (can you believe it?), told me that I'm meant to be an engineer. My friend seems to think that I'd be good at it but would get bored of it.

I feel like in many ways how my mind works has more range of opportunities than others but with it comes a greater range of insanity, too. I don't want that. I feel like I'm a powerful force, sometimes more intense than others. So I have to put extra effort and care to ground myself, something I rarely take the time to do. I think what I have is a blessing or a curse depending on how it's channeled. It can be abundantly positive or dangerously havoc with equal abandon. I want to work towards the beneficial direction.

I believe that there are two kinds of laid-back people - the ones who work on it (AJ and I'm hoping someday me) and the ones who possess it, but life always has challenges that'll weigh us down. There are also hybrids who naturally possess it but also possess the incessant thoughts that torment so many of us. I believe we all have tot put in the time and effort to keep ourselves grounded. Who else will do it? Life certainly won't. Life throws us the curve balls that give us the incentive to keep ourselves calm.

I've been this way for so long that I'm not even fully aware of how desperate I am for balance, but I'm becoming more aware of it. The universe senses it, too, because I truly believe that the energy we give off attracts certain people into our lives. People respond to what they sense from us. Lately, it seems like I've been attracting as well as gravitating towards naturally calm people who are lost themselves but have life experiences I can't even possibly imagine.

I've always been a dynamic and diverse person, as well as paradoxical. So I attract different types of people, and they lead diverse lives that I could never pursue. But I'm still exposed to it. I'm a giver and taker. I can't do one without the other. It's very much an altruistic process.

People come to me to seek insights whether it's subconscious or otherwise. I truly feel that I help them, which surprises me sometimes. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I can't seem to help myself because I don't channel myself in ways I do when I help my friends. I have the ability to simplify things, even though I never seem to incorporate it into my own life, and that's what allows me to give my friends clarity. By helping them, I'm discovering ways to help myself. It didn't begin that way. I wasn't searching for it, but that's what I've realized.

They’re right. I have to get the voices out of my head. I want to go to the mountains, to go hiking, to get away, get a different perspective. That's never been my world before, so I'm not exactly sure where to start. Any recommendations? Thanks for reading!

An Experience I Never Want to Forget

I just went hiking at Eaton Canyon, and it wasn't at all what I expected it to be (not that I had an impression in mind). The waterfall was my favorite, the mountains were earthy, the hiking was calming, and, oh yeah, there was ROCK CLIMBING!!! If you know me, you know I'm not a rock climbing girl. I'm still not, but I couldn't climb up a 20 ft bullshit "rock" at a Farmer's Market. So imagine rock climbing in an area where I can technically die! Plus, I'm a major klutz!

Doing something that's not natural to me isn't a foreign practice, but it was the experience and insight that I gained from it that was incredible, indescribable in many ways. I'm usually overcomplicated and difficult, and I still am. I'm addicted to stress, ruled by stress, and I surrender to stress. I stress unnecessarily because I overthink and fail to live in the moment. I usually cope with stress by eliminating or modifying, basically CONTROLLING, the source of my problem. Or I have a drug addict's mentality. If I can't avoid or change the circumstance, I focus compulsively on another source of stress as a way to not deal with whatever is concerning me at that moment. So I've never had any practice managing my stress. I was told repeatedly and was aware that I need to stop trying to control things, but today was the first time I realized that by surrendering control will I truly be able to relieve myself of the stresses that endlessly burden me.

It was a major stepping stone in my life. I became one with my balance, which used to only occur when I did ballet. And even that required focus and discipline. But then my friend reminded me that life is just a dance. I discovered that I can trust my body to keep me safe, and, more importantly, that it's essential for my emotional well-being to allow my body to take over from time to time. I used to clutch onto living in my own head, even though it was burdensome and damaging because it gave me a sense of control. Having nothing to do with the fact that it was a false sense of control, I realized that surrendering, losing, or even transferring control to someone else can sometimes be one of the best things I can do for myself.

As fearless and daring as I used to be, I was always cautious and paranoid, too. I grew into a fearful, paranoid, stressed person, so consumed by it that time escaped me, and worrying became my life. This reality became shockingly clear to me recently, but I had forgotten what it was like to not be this way...until today. It wasn't so much the activity as much as being put outside of my natural element and going with it that had such a profound effect on me. I'm usually overly informed as a way to soothe my incessant thoughts of unawareness, understanding matters according to my satisfaction, and controlling my environment.

Rock climbing requires you to be less inside your head, become intimate with what you fear instead of dodging it, trusting your instincts, moving around and feeling your surrounding instead of using just your eyes, believing in yourself and your abilities especially the ones unknown to you, managing your stress, and putting your trust into someone else who has gone through this and has something to offer you if you're open to it. This was something I wasn't ready for even a couple weeks ago.

I had plans to go to Eaton Canyon with someone else, but things didn't work out. As saddened and disappointed as I am about that, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm incredibly grateful for not going with him because it would've been a nightmare! I would've freaked out, he would've gotten frustrated and snappy because he can't remedy the problem, our communication barriers would've surfaced into a problematic circumstance, and we would've bounced off of each other's emotions. Today I accepted my fear for what it is without letting it entirely consume me. I realized the drawbacks to being restricted and how uncomfortable it is. It's far more natural and liberating to go with it - use your logic when it's best suited and follow your intuition when that's best suited (listen to your intuition).

For such a dynamic and open-minded person, I can be cripplingly one-sided. I believe in diversity, the value of moderation, and the necessity of balance. Yet my life doesn't reflect my belief system. I'm overly logical until my logic fails me and then I'm emotionally erratic. I'm creatively stifled and deprived, but I I don't expose myself to the world I want to so desperately be a part of. I want to stress less, but my actions lead me toward the very spiral I claim to want to escape. There's "knowing" what you're doing wrong, hearing what you should do to achieve your goals, your empty desires to accomplish them, and then there's the profound experiences that connects you to those desires in such a gripping way that it changes you. That's what I had today.

I went out of my element and really experienced things for the first time. I became enlightened about struggles I've had my entire life and continued to make progress regarding recent discoveries. I always knew that I need to stress less and not overthink so much, but I never knew that I had to learn to live in the moment. I've heard the value articulated, but I never knew it for myself or what living in the moment can bring me - less stress, amplified enjoyment because I would really be experiencing it, contentment, happiness that isn't one-dimensional, peace, clarity, trust in myself, an absence of overwhelming insecurity, and so much more.

I've also never felt so connected to myself before. I recently realized that by being overly objective, I'm disconnected to the people and things around me. I love my friends; they know that, but in some ways, they'll never know how much they mean to me. Since I'm not close with my family, they're my family. Not all of them know how meaningful and important they are to me. Even I'm not. It's come to my attention that I project myself onto others and want to be significant in other people's lives because people, my friends, don't mean that much to me. This isn't because I have little care for them, but because I'm emotionally disconnected, I don't care for them the way an emotionally-functional person should. As sad as this sounds, the word compassion fills me with emotions I've never felt before until I came to this realization, which was just a couple days ago. That's how emotionally deficient I've been, and I wasn't even aware of it.

Now that I'm aware of this and becoming more emotionally attuned, things changed. Not only did I trust myself but I projected that trust onto others. For the first time in a long time, my projection, which always existed, transformed into something positive. I trusted my guide, my friend to help me, to be there for me, and to keep me safe. Trust is such a fragile and strong issue that we all battle with. The people who know me know that I'm a trustworthy person and that I trust my friends. I'm not absent of trust. But it's an entirely different experience to show that and in such a terrifying experience! I used to treat trust with a cerebral approach. I listened and observed in order to trust, but I've never felt it before. Thank you so much for what you did for me. And I don't just mean putting up with me but also being patient and tolerant with me, keeping me grounded, distracting and focusing me simultaneously, helping me, and just being there for me. "People come into your life for a Reason, Season, and sometimes a Lifetime to make you the person you are today"

This journey was so intense. It was new and exciting, invigorating, unexpected, balanced, mentally challenging, unnatural, dynamic, exhilarating, liberating, trusting, enlightening, profound, meaningful, life changing, stressful, terrifying, and just amazing. I can honestly say that this day will go down as one of the best days of my life. It wasn't the most glamorous of days. I hiked in a pair of jeans and went into the waterfall. I moved awkwardly and panicked. But I made discoveries and had profound experiences that are going to change me into the person I want to become, the person I'm meant to be. When you achieve something that you've always wanted to accomplish, it's incredible. That's what this was.

For better or worse, I've always been me. I'm paradoxical and intense. I'm the kind of person that not everyone likes, but that's okay because I love the people I attract into my life. I don't want to surround myself with people who don't want me in their lives. I'm still difficult, but I've softened in my ways, which is both good and bad. I feel like these changes occurred rapidly because it was preparing me for what's to come. I was being submissive, silenced, weak, a target. I "needed" to be that person at that time because of where I was in life in order to sustain that environment. It may have began as a mask, but when you wear a mask long enough, it stops becoming a mask and who you are. I started progressing down that road, and I realized that I didn't like who I was becoming. I was fake, either out of deliberate necessity or out of fear and subsequently being someone I'm not. I lost someone special to me because I was being someone I'm not. I didn't trust myself, so I lashed out at him. He liked me for who I am, and he lost interest in me because of how I was acting. Being someone I'm not has only brought failure and misery into my life.

I'm over hating who I'm becoming, though. So I'm going back to being myself, authentic. I'm who I am, regardless of how other people perceive me. Another valuable lesson I recently learned is that I don't always have to explain myself, and I shouldn't because by indulging in that I'm unable to be comfortable in my own skin. How can I grow into being a comfortable and confident person if I'm conditioning myself in that way? Part of being authentic is changing as I change and accepting myself for who I am. I'm a girl, but I'm one of the guys. Most of my friends are guys, and I connect more with guys. I love the people I attract and the friendships I form, and they develop because of who I am. It would be nice if I was seen as more than just a guy, though. Every once in a while, it would be nice if someone said, "you're pretty." I feel like who I am is ingrained so deeply within me that not even random guys come up and hit on me because of the energy I give off. That's a little depressing, but it bothers me less now because I'm focusing on the other aspects. Plus, it didn't hurt that I was complimented by a carful of guys.

I had a life changing experience. I became more connected to who I am and discovered a lot about myself. I trusted myself. I tried something new. I realized what I need to do to relieve myself of stressful burdens. I took the first step to achieving that goal. I saw nature differently. I've entered a new chapter in my life. I made some new friends. Some things changed for me, and some things didn't. I managed to neutralize or overcome my incessant thoughts that normally bombard me, well a little bit. Baby steps!

The people I bonded the most with, my friends, are guys. They talked openly like I wasn't there and wasn't a girl. The guys were all fake gay flirty, which is just such a signature friend trait for me. I actually feel closer with guys when I see them do that. It's because so many friendships I've developed possess that, so I have this positive association to it. It's like when you smell fresh pastries, and it reminds you of your childhood. It's comforting. We had some good laughs, too, such as losing my rock climbing virginity experience.

That rock fucked me in more ways than one. Damn, that rock was fucking hard and erect. It was painful as it always is for the first time. I got hurt and was even bleeding. I didn't know what I was doing and needed guidance. I needed to slow down and have a gentler experience. I got sandwiched. I didn't know how to spread my legs. I didn't know what to do with my hands. My hands were sweating, and I was nervous. It was an exhilarating experience that I'll never forget. It made me want to come back for more. I talked about it for a while after the experience, and I'm still thinking about it. It made me scream. It was a major stress reliever.

Oh yeah, and I wasn't a klutz during the rock climbing or anything dangerous. But as we were leaving, I slipped and fell on a rock on my ass. I also walked my head into the top of the car. It's like I suppressed my clumsiness during the dangerous parts, and once it was over, it came back! It wouldn't be a signature me experience without something ironic like that, though, right?

Confidence is Sexy

I was talking to my friend about dating, relationships, asking people out, and things within that context. I was stunned to discover by my ex-boyfriend, no less, who became my wingman (it just gets weirder as the relationship evolves - friends, ex, wingman, who knows what else) that "Do you want to go out for coffee?" is code for asking someone out on a date. I've been asked that before, but I respond with I don't like coffee. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to spending time with the guy, but I prefer tea. The guy usually goes away before I can get to that part of the conversation. I don't agree with this method, but I think it's important to be aware of it. Had I have known what it meant, I would've responded differently.

My friend thought that coffee was too casual. None of us like the indirect approach. We began talking about different methods some people use. Another friend of mine wrote a note to a girl in class and successfully scored a date. It's apparently about using the right approach for the right girl. This girl was flattered by the idea that my friend took such measures and felt important. I, however, won't be impressed by a guy who can't bring himself to talk to me. I'm a communicator. That's how I interact. Besides, I'm not going to agree to a date with a guy who's voice I haven't even heard who's in the same class as me! My friend also agreed that that approach doesn't feel right. And I think he put it beautifully. Confidence is sexy.

Confidence is sexy. I never made the connection before, but it feels like I always knew this. Some of the time I consider myself attractive. In fact, I know that if I wasn't so insecure, I would confidently describe myself as attractive. I'm tired of feeling guilty about seeing myself as pretty because there are other girls who are hotter than me. It's a stupid, unacceptable, and unhealthy reason to not embrace my beauty.

Even at my most beautiful (in my eyes), I've never considered myself sexy. I consider myself a sexual person, but I've never felt sexy. I have, but I'm working towards changing this towards I had, this impression that 'm not sexy, that I can't be sexy, because my boobs are tiny, I'm tiny, and I have no booty. I'm not usually such a bigoted person except when it comes to limiting myself.

Guys have called me sexy and the few who've seen the sexual side of me consider me to be a very sexual person. It almost seems inconsistent to be sexual and not sexy, but it's beginning to make sense. Confidence is sexy, and I'm not a confident person. Then again, some people perceive me as a confident person because of how I present myself. I used to be a ballet dancer who was criticized repeatedly for not lifting my head up. I became good at lifting my head up and having good posture. That exudes confidence, but it's only an impression, not a reality.

For some idiotic reason, I couldn't bring myself to put my head on my friend's shoulder even though we both wanted that. I only got close to him when he got close to me. I was a lot more confident when I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I'm confident of myself as a friend but not as something more. That insecurity is poison that isn't just toxic to me but to the people around me. I never fully understood this before. I want this for myself but also for the people around me. I only appear confident to people who don't know me, really know me. I appear confident to my friends. I appear confident to guys I've been with who I eventually trust after a very long time and begin feeling secure about myself but only through his eyes. I want this for myself. Now that I understand what sexy is, I believe I can someday achieve it. I look forward to it.

Wish List

Second Chances

I made a mistake, one that I honestly think I could quite possibly regret for the rest of my life. The idea of looking back years later, saddened by how badly I sabotaged things is depressing. I was never one to believe in second chances. I've always been ruthlessly critical. In fact, that was my demise in this relationship. But I finally get it. I used to think that people never deserved second chances, which is why I never gave them one. But the people who should be given second chances are rarely the ones that deserve it, which is why they should be offered that opportunity. I'm not saying that I deserve it. I can't make that call because it's not my place. But I am becoming more open-minded, aware, and compassionate. I feel bad that it required a self-invested interest for me to understand it. But rather than waste my energy feeling guilty, I'd rather learn from this lesson.

Live in the moment. I don't always have to explain myself. As desirable as it is at times, only by learning this lesson will I be comfortable in my own skin. So long as I explain myself to others when it's not necessary, regardless of my motives, it prevents me from being comfortable with myself. After all, how can I be comfortable in my own skin if I'm constantly defending myself? For someone who never cared about what other people think of me, I made a lot of effort to portray a certain image according to my standard. As it turns out, I'm not concerned with what people think of me. So, why is it that I've never been comfortable in my own skin? Because I'm overly concerned with what I think of myself to a ruthless standard. I never realized the damage and implication it has on the people I care about. I project this standard onto others. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was never aware of what I was doing.

I'm grateful for the lessons he's taught me in ways he'll never understand even if we were still in contact. He's taught me a lot about myself and about life. Here I thought that it was important that I go out with someone who lives on his own so that he can be at the same place I am in life because there are certain experiences you can only gain by being independent. As it turns out, I was the one who needed to gain experiences. I just wish I could've been able to discover all this without hurting him, without losing him. I understand that these things happen and is sometimes necessary, but I'm still saddened by it. I hope I get a second chance with him. At the very least, I hope there's a way for him to find out how I really feel about him.

Living in the Moment

The beauty and sadness of living in the moment is that you truly live in the moment for all that it is, all of it and nothing else. By living exactly in the moment you get to experience and feel everything. It's intoxicating. By not concerning yourself with the consequences, future fears, or past torments, there are no burdens hindering you, nothing but an exhilarating moment waiting to be experienced for all that it is. And yet the pain about living in the moment is that as fulfilling as it is at that moment, when it passes, it's gone. That's it. No looking back. It makes it easier to be taken over by your emotions if you're willing to surrender. But if you're not, then you're forever hiding in the shadows right next to the moment, envious, bitter, and too shy to embrace all that it can offer you until it leaves. Nothing left but a dead carcass at the end. That is why every moment should be lived to the fullest in that exact moment and time because as quickly as it came, it can be gone. Live in the moment. Each one is given for a reason except to ignore it. Embrace it. Live it. Experience it.

New Year's Resolution

1) Write a poem once a week

2) Read at least one book a month

3) Find the right necklace

4) Clear debt

5) Make a home cooked meal at least once a week.

6) Create a quick makeup routine

7) Exercise

8) Build responsible purchases (wrench, auger, paper shredder, stud finder, cleaning gloves, etc.)

Be True to Me, So I Can Be True to Others

I'm disgraced to admit that I've allowed my selfishness and fear of being left alone interfere with my duties as a friend and my usual nature. I'm an honest, upfront, and direct person. This made maintaining friendships a challenge when I was younger, but now I've come to appreciate who I am without guilt because I surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. This saying conveys my identity beautifully:

Sometimes the truth hurts. But I'd rather be the one to tell you the truth then to tell you lies.

or

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

I've actually lost friends on a number of accounts for telling truths they weren't ready to hear such as a betrayal of a lover or revealing that their new honey raped someone I knew. I knew and accepted the possibility, sometimes I even anticipated, that what I'm about to say can end my friendships with them. But I was willing to risk faulty friendships and good times to keep my friends safe and embrace who I am for the right reasons. When negative consequences occurred, I still knew it was the right thing to do. I've finally reached a chapter in my life where I can embrace who I am because it's a great way to filter out people who aren't worth my time, I found myself hesitating and withholding my opinions, a dangerous choice and completely out of nature to who I am.

Living alone doesn't seem as lonely as I once suspected it to be because I have the presence and support of my friends. I was afraid of losing that, so I withheld information for my own selfish purposes and risked my friend. My close friend was dating a guy who made me really uneasy. I was really conflicted about him because he has a duplicate personality fusion hybrid thing going on. Most people who are as distasteful and vile as him don't have the capability and consideration to show the kind of respect he exercised. It confused me. I didn't used to allow this confusion to interfere with expressing my concerns. I'm not trying to remove any potential responsibility on my friend's poor judgment or her asshole ex-boyfriend, but I hate how I compromised my identity for my own selfish gain. I can't understand why now that I have friends who accept me for who I really am that I pretend to be someone I'm not.

I thought I made progress. I believe I'm a good person, but I wasn't the most considerate and selfless I can be. I've recently started to sacrifice my interests for others and put others before me. I was against it in the past because I really wanted what I wanted. I felt deprived my entire life, and I hate settling. But I've realized that doing something for others before me wasn't difficult and had its own reward. Not only did it teach me that I can do it with ease, but I practice not living with everything I want and deal with it successfully. So I was really disappointed by my action or lack of.

My friend's boyfriend used to unhook womens' bras as he walked by. Such obnoxious behavior, but it's also distasteful and crossing the line. You may not be raping her, but you're still crossing the line. He would shoot blanks at cars that took too long to respond to a green light. If someone cut him off on the road, he'd follow them and slash their cars with a weapon he proudly displays. I do believe that everyone makes mistakes, and that's not necessarily reason enough to not give them a second chance. But once you've crossed the line, it's easy to cross it again. That's not the kind of exposure I think my friend should have. She's not that kind of person. I guess we're both doing things that are unlike us.

To-Do List

I have a pinched nerve again, and it's tugging at my hips. It's taking me longer than I'd like to warm up to standing! And I have a ton of errands to run. Luckily, I'm in no rush. And the warm weather is good for my hip. I'm surprised that my hips have become so aggravated with the absence of really cold weather, the usual trigger.

1. Recycle
2. Buy remaining groceries: ginger, whole roast chicken, garlic, lemons
3. Stop by the bank
4. Complete my organizing mission in the bedroom
5. Get a teeth cleaning
6. Pick up transcripts
7. Get a passport
8. Go to Chinatown
9. Pickle beets
10. Roast a chicken
11. Visit a botanical garden
12. Take photos
13. Clean the air purifier
14. Do the laundry
15. Wash the lingerie
16. Clean the windows
17. Pickle cucumbers
18. Drop off donations at Salvation Army
19. Post power drill
20. Get a haircut
21. Join an indoor cycling class
22. Clean the blinds
23. Create a craft drawer
24. Organize the books
25. Create a school drawer
26. Organize clothes drawers

I Want to Find My Thing

I truly believe that everyone is endowed with a unique gift that makes us original. It's just a matter of finding or developing it. Some people have computer skills. Some people have lyrical talent. Some people have healing hands. Some people have dancing. Some people have debating or negotiating skills. I have writing. (Please don't judge my potential through my blogs). I happen to have a gift and are given many compliments as a result. I enjoy writing. It's something I'm good at. Emphasis on the previous sentence. It's something I'm good at. But it's not necessarily something I'm moved by. Others have found true happiness in their gift. It transforms them to a different world. It stops time. Everything slows down. Their surrounding troubles don't exist there. It's a place they can call their own. I don't have that, but I want it. I want something that truly inspires me, not some convenient talent that I cling onto as a way to feel connected, to be a part of something, to be of value. It's time I stop focusing on what I can offer to society. And it's time I focus on what society can offer me. It's at that point when I'll stop trying to have what others have, as a desperate attempt to mask my loneliness and inadequacies. It'll no longer be about emulating a sense of value. It'll be about having value in my life.

Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time being selfish and ungrateful that I forget how much I deny myself. I spent so much of my life escaping my environment and bettering myself that I neglected to realize that I'm unhappy. I'm just glad to be alive is what I thought. And that's great, but my standards should be and will soon be higher than that. Now that I'm in a place where I can think of only myself, I've realized that I don't know what happiness truly is. I wasn't able to distinguish between being a part of something and it being a part of me. Feeling second place, not being good enough has always been a permanent feeling that existed within me that I've almost gotten used to it. Settling was a way of life for me. I certainly don't have the emotional agility to accept my failures, so I lived a lie instead.

Ballet was never my thing, not really. It passed by the time. It gave me something to do, something to look forward to. Others admired my commitment and was envious that I had something to call my own. I heard it so many times that I almost started believing it. Combine that with ballet dancers who truly loved what they did and being exposed to that, day in and day out, and conveyed in a way that implied I was a part of it. I had never felt that before. It was nice. The only problem was that it wasn't coming from me. It came from everyone but me. There's only so long you can live in a shell until it starts to break down and fall apart. But rather than finding a new shell, I want to grow in my own. I had no idea what I was missing out on until I saw and felt the joy in others. On one end, I was so, so, so happy for them. On the other end, I felt like I swallowed poison and I couldn't breathe. I can't do this anymore.

I can't ignore the fact that I settled for ballet because I don't have rhythm, but I've always been so attracted to dance that I settled for the most tangible choice available, the slowest dance form that I can follow. I can't ignore the fact that writing only brings me pleasure because of the compliments I receive. Truthfully, they don't even have much value anymore. You're a great writer is an overused compliment and generally within everyone's potential to receive if people simply put more effort. So, conveniently, I'm only special because of other people's laziness and lack of drive, not because of what I possess but what others neglect to refine. I can't ignore the fact that writing is my perverse form of enjoyment because of the approval I get from others. I want something that enriches my life, not others. I wonder what that is... I'm familiar with what I'm bad at and what I don't enjoy, but I'm completely unaware of what I'm good at, what will change my life.

No Permanent Guests!

I have a friend whose home situation is unbearable and completely unfair. He dropped out of college, per his mother's request, to make money sooner so that he can help with the bills, as his family was struggling. This was before the dot.com burst, so money was booming in the tech industry. He was rolling in dough. Considering the circumstance, it made sense at the time. Unfortunately, his mother was being a mother, critical and pushy, blaming him of being lazy for not going to college and pursuing something more ambitious and educational for himself. He was in a helpless predicament. The amount of money his family needed allowed him no time to pursue personal interests including his education. That did suck, and he really should continue his education. Nonetheless, his mother was being unreasonable. His sacrifices went unacknowledged. You could even say that he was being scrutinized for it. And what a set up. If he cut back his work hours to go to school, per his mother's recent request, because it would've risen financial conflicts, his mother would continue to antagonize him. It would simply be over a different topic.

As if that suffocating environment weren't bad enough, he became trapped. His mother bought a house out of state and put his name on the lease, making him partially responsible for the mortgage payments. His mother became severely codependent on his financial contribution that she not only involved herself into financially catastrophic investments but it developed into a chronic practice. If he refuses payment, his aging mother would be sent to collections, as her health is deteriorating. It's the worse time for her to face financial burden. With that said, I run the risk of sounding insensitive when I state the obvious that it's still her burden to bear, not his. There are many gray areas. For example, he doesn't want to see her unable to receive medical treatment that she'll probably need in the near future, as she's becoming much older. As long as he's there to support her, things will be somewhat easier for her. But after you cut through the gray areas, it's rather black and white. This is an adult making poor choices that have adverse effects on her life. This isn't a child that needs to be protected. How long must he pay her debt because she gave birth to him?

I know I'm being harsh, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'm wrong. His credit score shouldn't become compromised because of his mother. If anyone should sabotage his credit, it should be him and him alone. As long as he continues to support her, she'll continue to make bad choices, knowing that her son will compensate for the lost money. Be there for her. Help her, by all means. But, ultimately, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. He can't change his mother's actions or circumstance, but he can change his own. It's an unfair position his mother is putting him in, and he should leave it. Who knows? Maybe his absence will inspire more responsible decisions in her own life. Or maybe it won't. That's up to her, though.

I'm good at cutting through bullshit and separating the white and black that make up the gray areas because I pay attention to details, which is why I often run the risk of not seeing the big picture. There are many dimensions to this, and I can usually successfully decode and analyze each element separately. When it comes to combining, incorporating, and unifying a problem, I'm not so skilled. So, I want to step back and review everything. I've considered my friend. I touched on his mother's circumstance, but that's as far as I can travel, being who I am. I was raised to believe that we have to fix all of our own mistakes. As I've gotten older, I realize how simplistic, bleak, and exaggerated that philosophy is, but I can appreciate the message. There are factors to consider such as a young person making a mistake, deserving a second chance, and what not, but she ran out of those factors a long time ago, assuming she even had them.

As destructive as my friend's mother's been on him, she can't be blamed for everything. That was another forced lesson on me. No matter how fucked up people are around you, when you reciprocate, no matter how deserving the recipient is, you chose that form of action. You can't blame it on others. You can admit that it was influenced, but those are two different things. It's difficult to distinguish, but it's still true. My friend's a grown adult. The dot.com burst was a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities to move out and still does, but, for whatever reason, he's choosing not to. After a certain point, I have to consider the possibility that he likes it in some twisted or perverse sort of way. By living under his mother's foot, he doesn't have to enter the unprotected, unsheltered crappy world that's out there. He doesn't have to feel alone, suffer through the pains of becoming independent, he doesn't have to face the unknown, he doesn't have to focus on everyone else, and he has to do one of the hardest things in the world, examine himself. But by closing the outside world, he's also missing out on a lot of great opportunities. As a friend, I'm sad for him.

As a possible roommate, it enrages me! I don't want his problems being transferred onto me. I'm not going to become his roommate, but he doesn't accept that. I'm a very blunt and opinionated person. I'm about as clear in person as I am in writing. If I say so myself, I think my position about this situation has been crystal clear. He has a tendency to cling onto the familiar, no matter how unhealthy it is. While he doesn't admit it often, his silent fear of being alone is overwhelming him. He hasn't even viewed any potential apartments. He's been whining about wanting to move out since last year. It's been over half a year now, and he only went within local proximity to apartment listings last week. I was on the phone with him, pushing him to do this. I basically had to play the mother role for him, as it seems to be the only thing he's receptive to. Quite frankly, I don't think he would've checked if I wasn't on the phone with him. He was within walking distance to both colleges that are likely to post anything within his price range. When he couldn't find guest parking, he almost aborted the entire operation. After reviewing one bulletin board without success, he retreated altogether. He didn't even look for other bulletin boards with the argument that he didn't know there was more than one (probably bullshit) and didn't ask anyone for guidance. He didn't bother to stop by the other college and didn't even tell me he left until he was out of the area.

I truly believe that you can not rely on the universe to get things done for you. I believe that the universe assists and can guide us, if we let it. I believe there are signs everywhere, but I also believe that not all signs depict the right path. Even following the wrong path is a path we can all take. To believe that the universe will provide us with what we need when the time comes is naive and lazy. That message conveys that eventually the truth will come to us no matter what, implying that a lack of effort will still result in answers. Because nothing is set in stone, for a few individuals, that may be true. But why would you rely on that when you can seek the answers yourself? In my experience, the universe, for the most part, doesn't do a goddamn thing to helping me achieve my goals. And when it does, on rare occasions, I usually have to work for it. I truly believe that if you put your sincere and diligent energy and effort towards achieving a specific goal, the universe is more likely to assist you. He hasn't lifted a finger.

I'm not going to reward his lack of efforts by opening my home and enabling him to not become independent. I will not contribute to his chronic problem especially when I don't want any permanent guests! It's so frustrating to me. I'll be honest. I'm not a very sympathetic person. I have the emotional capacity to sympathize, but it's not an emotion I feel too often. You have to be a very well-deserving candidate. And my friend just isn't one of them. I wouldn't even have to consider being sympathetic towards him or not had he have made better choices for himself. This is a controversial subject, so what's right is complicated and questionable. But he wants to escape. That's good enough for me. But you got to do what you got to do to get it done.

I keep thinking, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves." Until I see any efforts from him, I'm not going to offer anything that can perpetuate his problem, both for him and myself. It's not healthy for him. I don't want him believing that he can go on crutching onto other people. I don't want him having his mother's fate. I can't change his behavior, but I can dictate who becomes an occupant in my home. Allowing him to live with me isn't a solution to his problems, so it's self-defeating. And sure as hell am not going to go out of my way and invite cock block (yes, that's the nickname my boyfriend and I gave him) into my home for an unproductive purpose. A part of me feels guilty because, as his friend, I want him to get some peace, and I can provide that for him. But I'm true to who I am. It's selfish, but it's always been me first. Me doesn't want him living with my boyfriend and I. In this case, though, even when I put him first, it doesn't seem logical. I just wish I can get him to understand.

I'm a very persuasive person. If he refuses to leave my home, I won't hesitate calling the police to physically remove him from the premise. So, one way or another, it'll get done. I just hate that I have to convince him of this. It's as though people in my life selectively choose to disregard what I have to say when it's most important. I don't understand. I'm stubborn, articulate, convey my messages rather successfully, and am firm with my decisions. So why does he and, quite frankly, a number of other people dismiss what I have to say, as though my decision will be overturned when the time comes? I suppose there's a possibility that I'm diluted and I'm actually unclear, but I highly doubt that's the case. I'm capable of saying and have said, and I quote, "I don't want any permanent guests in my home." I think that about sums up my answer.

Trying New Foods

I want to refine my New Year's resolution of trying new foods by listing my interests. I plan to try at least one new food a month. As a way to prevent an overcrowded, distracting list, I’ll only list off foods I think I can realistically eat. I know that sounds potentially closed-minded, but I prefer to be goal-oriented. Besides, I’d rather complete my list than be overburdened by it. I have a separate list elsewhere with foods I want to eat that aren’t available locally.

Unfortunately, my local WILD OATS has closed down. I wish I took advantage of it more because I would have liked to buy one new thing a month, outside of my list, something completely new and foreign to experiment with. If the opportunity permits, I'll take advantage of it.

Condiments

1. Sherry Vinegar
2. White Balsamic Vinegar
3. Champagne Vinegar
4. Black Salt
5. Red Salt

Dairy

1. Goat Cheese
2. Goat Milk
3. Farm Fresh Milk
4. Greek Yogurt

Vegetables

1. Frisée
2. Watermelon Radish
3. Fingerling Potatoes
4. Purple Potatoes
5. Fennel
6. Cucumber Lemon

Fruits

1. Fresh Tamarind
2. Preserved Meyer Lemons
3. Fresh Guava

Grains

1. Quinoa
2. Flaxseed
3. Red Rice

Seafood

1. Blowfish

Meat & Poultry

1. Goat

New Year's Resolution

I know that a post for New Year’s Resolution is painfully delayed, but I wasn’t actually planning on creating a New Year’s Resolution this year. I have made resolutions in the past, but I feel that I don’t take it seriously. If anything, I create a resolution for the enjoyment of writing and making lists. I figure that if I’m going to improve my life, I will whether I jot it down or not. My motivation to improve my quality of life was never influenced by a new year. Then, it occurred to me, be that as it may, putting my goals down in writing won’t hinder my potential to achieve it. Taking the time to formulate what I want to do exactly by putting it down in writing puts me in the right mindset I need to be in, order to accomplish those goals. I usually feel somewhat robotic, unoriginal, and disconnected to my resolutions that I become uninspired. The idea of working out, the sweating, ugh! That’s probably another reason why I’m not as excited about creating a resolution list like other people are. That clearly is not the ideal way to approach the new year ahead of me. I saw creating a New Year’s Resolution to be a chance for personal experience and growth on a deeper level than I realized when I was talking to my friend. Her New Year’s Resolution is to stop making excuses for her significant other. She’s very naïve and blinds herself to deceit, making excuses for them. She believes that she knows someone is lying to her on a subconscious level long before she fully acknowledges it, and she wants to change that. That’s respectable and a very tall, necessary order for her. I thought it was cool to have such a resolution unique and personal to you. So, that’s what I’ve decided to do. It’s such a great idea. After all, you have to feel connected to your resolutions. And, more importantly, look forward to making those changes, rather than viewing them as a daunting experience. It’s the same concept when you’re discouraged by the idea of working out. Create a workout routine that makes things interesting such as dancing. Here is part of my New Year’s Resolution. Some of them are boringly common and universally familiar, probably why I lose interest quickly. My goal is to individualize them for my purposes. I also want to create resolutions that are unique to me.

1. Read more books.

I may pick common unoriginal goals, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less interested in accomplishing them. The resources and desires are there, but daily interferences and bad habits often impede reading opportunities. I not only want to read more, but I want to expand my topics. I gravitate towards nonfiction because fictional books don’t capture my interest. Sometimes I feel like it’s because I’m not a deep enough of a person to connect at that level. It’s important that I prove myself wrong, which means I have to read more fictional books and continue to until I find one, not limit the possibility. I want to have that feeling everyone seems to have, that one book they just love. I plan to email everyone I know and ask what their favorites are.

2. Start jogging.

I was the gurlygurl in high school that avoided any rigorous activity. I carried Walgreens in my purse and wore black platforms and stilettos. I guess trying to catch up with time for being late for everything and kicking ass was enough to keep me fit, but those were things beyond my control entering my life. Now that I’m in a place to make my own decisions and avoid catastrophic events, I’m not as active as I used to be. I did everything and anything I could to avoid physical activity. In middle school and early high school, my P.E. class had to run laps outside, away from my teacher’s view. So I convinced my boyfriend to carry me around the blocks. I only ran for about 20 steps for each lap when my teacher was visible. I intentionally overburdened my class schedule with electives and honors that I didn’t have room for P.E. I convinced my school counselor to let me take ballet as an equivalent and incorporate my “P.E. class” into my transcript somewhere else. You only need two years worth of P.E. in high school, anyways. As far as ballet, I had a lot of forged signatures for my attendance. But becoming more health-conscientious, I took a physical activity class at my local community college. I wasn’t expecting to run, but it was a requirement. It was the first time I’ve ever ran a mile without stopping, and I did it in 9 minutes. I surprised myself that I had that much endurance and concentration, but I was mostly shocked by how I felt. In the past, within a block, my head would start pulsing, my throat felt like there was blood, my limbs felt so heavy and painful, and I was having breathing difficulties. I didn’t just surrender to my weakness, but I reacted really negatively to it, so I avoided it at all costs. This time it was better, though. My head was throbbing, and I did taste blood in the back of my throat. But I enjoyed the runner’s high. I wanted to stick to it, but I didn’t. I think I can realistically run the marathon if I prepare for it properly. I don’t want to commit to a marathon, but I do want to start jogging, again. Incorporating a regular workout routine is another resolution for me, but jogging is my specific interest.

3. Find a creative outlet.

My mind is creatively stifling. I’m interested in the ideology of art, but I’m unable to incorporate it into my life. I’d like to believe that creativity can surface with diligence and the right inspiration. I can’t just pick up a pencil and paper and start drawing. It would not only be discouraging but confusing and possibly detrimental to my artistic development. I’m interested in creativity because I’m always looking to better myself. On some level, I know that there’s nothing essentially wrong with me, but I’m not satisfied with who I am. I see so much in other people, lacking within me. Then I see others who are vacuous and untalented. I’m so afraid of becoming like them that I force myself into improvement. It’s painful to be like this, though, constantly reminded of my shortcomings. So, I don’t want to risk doing things that’ll close me off to creativity. My natural tendencies are what suffocate my creativity. I’m highly organized. I categorize things and prefer things to be consistent and geometric. Needless to say, I need to reduce the amount of meticulousness and develop a more freeing approach. But it’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s who I am. I can never truly eradicate that. While I previously viewed instructional crafts to be unproductive, I think it should be my first step. I have a to-do list that must be completed by the end of the year:

1. Blank Journal
2. Card
3. Bath Bomb
4. Stenciling
5. Scrapbooking
6. Bookmark

My goal is to complete one craft a month, but the list above is non-negotiable and must be completed by the end of 2008.

4. Lose my Baby Fat

I feel like I’m developing an eating disorder as I think about weight loss for someone my size. I don’t actually want to lose weight, but I have to. I’m incredibly petite and underweight for my size and age, but I’m updating my standards. I’m 5’2 and used to weigh 98 lbs. As an adult, I owned and wore my jeans from when I was 12 years old! I didn’t like my weight or body size. I lack a feminine figure, I’m flat chested, and my legs look like sticks. Weighing 115 sounded more appropriate and flattering. I imagined more space being filled around the chest area and a slight shape. I have a voracious appetite and not for a vegetarian. I rapidly consume meat, poultry, fruits, veggies, dairy, junk foods, you name it, and I eat it except for sodas and coffee. I actually consume more than pregnant women. This is a confirmed claim. When I was younger, I rarely felt the sensation of being full. I stubbornly resisted the idea that I can’t gain weight. I intentionally followed all of the unfavorable rules, and after an extensive period of carefully scheduled heavy meals at night, lack of sleep, and some skipped breakfast, I gained two pounds. IT WAS AWFUL! I looked the same, but everything changed. My consumption for the entire day would be a slice of bread! It’d make me nauseous, but that’s all I could stomach without vomiting. Of course, I was also starved. I didn’t have a parasite, wasn’t pregnant, got tested for other possibilities, nothing! After the initial two pounds, my weight would fluctuate as much as 20 lbs within a week! I used multiple scales, too (at the Wellness Center at school, the school gym, the hospital’s scale, Target’s scale, my friend’s scale), and they were all consistent. Even crazier is that I looked exactly the same. (That’s not just my subjective judgment. Many others have volunteered this information including baffled chiropractors, physicians, nurses, friends, P.E. instructor…) So the extra weight gain didn’t make sense. Eventually I’ve more or less stabilized to a 108-115. But unlike people with bigger builds, when a smaller person gains as little as 2 lbs, the itty-bitty fat goes straight to the stomach, and the next thing you know, you can’t even wear the same size pants! Because I have more fat than my body can maintain (in my stomach area), it’s actually starting to misalign my back! It’s also throwing my center of gravity off. Most recently, I’ve developed knee problems, too. On a superficial level, there aren’t too many ranges of small. I’m a 32B in bras, professionally sized and everything. I fit them just fine. But I shit you not, I can no longer button smalls at Forever 21, Reference, and Wet Seal. Wait, there’s more. I tore a shirt trying to wear a Medium at Forever 21 and ripped a button off at Reference, same size, medium. Apparently my fat’s distributed unevenly, and I haven’t found clothes that accommodate it. Jeans are worse. All of these problems aren’t worth it. I look the same, but the added weight gain’s causing health problems. Fuck this shit! I want to lose just enough weight to get my flat stomach back. Harmony and natural equilibrium better follow!

UPDATE: Studies have revealed that I have imbalanced hormones, and that’s why my body’s weight is so unstable. That’s also why I have problems that senior citizens have. It’s even more prevalent for me to lose weight before more health concerns surface when my hormone decides to throw a fit.

5. Try New Foods.

I’ve always been open-minded and tried a variety of foods that some people may find shocking without hesitation (rabbit, duck tongue, pigs ears, frog legs, alligators, crocodile, etc). And yet I don’t regularly try new foods. If I want to try more foods, I have to make more of an effort. So, I want to shoot towards eating at least one new thing a month. I recently tried kefir milk, for example. I’d like to try blowfish before the end of the year.

6. Expose Myself to New Things and Introduce More Adaptability into my Life

Studies reveal that adaptability is good for the brain. Leading a predictable life makes the brain stagnant. Something as simple as rearranging your computer table and office supplies requires your brain to reorganize its thinking. I highly prefer and incorporate an organized schedule. I fear the mental repercussions of being so predictable. I'm conceptually weak, which contributes to my poor sense of direction. I'm easily confused when I have to reroute my direction home. But it's not that bad to get lost. I'm capable of finding my way back. And that's just it. For whatever reason, I'm anal about exactness because the idea of something unplanned just makes me desperate for specificity. But it's not the end of the world to stray, and I'm denying myself a world of opportunities. I want to change that. What new things I'll do is still something I have to work on. I'm open to suggestions.

7. Reinvent my fashion style

My body isn't very feminine. There aren't too many clothes that flatter an unshapely figure. Petite sizes exist, but they only fit, not flatter. The fashion industry doesn't really focus their time on making superior clothes (clothes that enhance what you don't have). And even if they did, it would be unaffordable to me. My fashion sense isn't very innovative or flattering. I'm well-coordinated, and my clothes are nice, but they don't reflect my unique nature. Each trip to the mall, I'm convinced that this time I'll find something, and I'll purchase it. But the price tag dissuades me. It's understandable, but if I want reinvent myself, I have to drop some dough. The rarer something is, the higher the value. Either that or I have to get fat. And with each passing year, inflation makes clothes more exorbitant. I have to catch up. So, here are my goals.

1. Find my sense of style, something that reflects my uniqueness. I think I need a signature. (I already have a perfume signature, Gucci. My boyfriend says it suits my personality). Basically glam up my outfits to make it special.

2. Get at least a week's worth of versatile and usable outfits that focus on flattering my petite figure, small bust size, and flat ass. I want to incorporate my old pants standards of owning 1 pair of khakis, 1 pair of blue denim jeans, 1 pair of dark blue denim jeans, and 1 pair of black slacks. I want the khaki pants to be light in color. I want jeans that are part stretchy and flare out for an enhancing effect. Red looks hot on me, so I want to find more red tops. Many of my current tops are three quarter sleeves but not the flattering ones. I want to find tops with materials that cling to my skin in all of the favorable areas. My other challenge is that I have an unusually long mid-drift for someone my height, so a generous portion of my skin is exposed in a disproportionate sort of way. I'm tired of settling for tops like that. Time for a change, bitch! I'm thinking u-shapes and V-shapes. Purple is my favorite color, but you would never figure it on based on my wardrobe. My wardrobe should reflect my interests and personality, so more purples. I'm usually discouraged because purples are a rare color or is incorporated unattractively. Somewhere that has to be beautiful tops...

3. Accessorize. Last year I began buying jewelry, not the high end stuff but still beautiful, nonetheless. But I need more accessorizing. Simply wearing the red bracelet is a predictable course of action. I disconnect accessorizing when I put an outfit together. I see it as an ignorable sacrifice, not a subtle but fundamental element. I want something like this...(a picture will be attached to this soon)

4. Stop making compromises. I'm usually non-negotiable, but I surrender to fashion's limits. I never prioritize time to make an effort and find clothes that'll really shine through who I am. If I'm to expect any progress and reinvention of myself, I need to change my mindset. Again, my fashion sense should reflect who I am: dynamic, multi-dimensional, diverse, uncompromising, strong.

5. When evaluating possible clothes purchase, really consider how it looks on me, not how I want it to look. Be realistic.

8. Prioritize my Appearance

I know this statement can be interpreted as really superficial or neglectful on my part. I'm hygienic. Some people think I'm fine as hell. Their words, not mine. I have this tendency of attracting obnoxious guys who ban together and openly express their opinions of me. On the other hand, there are guys who are completely repulsed by me. Those are such extremes. I think I'm attractive...sometimes. But I can always do more. I can afford to improve the complexion of my skin, whiten my teeth, clear my clogged pores, and wear a pink gloss to enhance my natural beauty. A superior haircut sculpts my face shape and improves the overall quality of my appearance. A simple maintenance haircut effortlessly pulls my look together. It's affordable, but I don't commit to it. I plan to change that this year. My goal is to get a haircut at least every two months. It isn't just a luxury. My hair grows quickly, my split ends make brushing my hair difficult, and static and dryness become a daily interference. My goal is to cut my hair before it needs to be done because by then, I'm way overdue. I don't want to be consumed with my appearance, but I know there's more I can do to feel better about myself. My appearance is a part of me. My specific plans are:

Get a haircut at least every two months.
Whiten my teeth with an over-the-counter treatment.
Swipe bronzer on my face and apply pink lip gloss.
It's unrealistic for me to commit to a weekly facial, so I'll aim for once a month, using a papaya enzyme mask.

8. Start a Journal

I write often, so I don't need a journal for that practice. I just want something I can commit to and enjoy in a more organized but expanding sort of way. I like botanical gardens. I developed an interest for plants, specifically religious and cultural associations. I want something to show for my studies and exposures. I want to take pictures or print them out. Then write about its origin, any religious and cultural associations, etc.

9. Do Something New

We all have something we really want to do, but we put it off. I rarely indulge myself because there are so many necessities in life that I can't even afford. The truth is that those necessities will always exist. And it's quite possible that I'll never be able to afford them all. Should that mean I should abandon my dreams and interests? Of course not! And with inflation, these interests become pricier. With each passing year, these interests become harder and harder to attain. But my interests will always exist, and if I die without experiencing these things, I'll regret it. So it's up to me to incorporate my personal interests. I'm not suggesting that it interfere with essential purchases. I'm simply demanding for myself to make these interests a priority and finance accordingly.

Sweat Lodge I am interested in going to a sweat lodge. I'd really like to be able to go before the end of the year. I know people who go to one in San Jose.

Skydiving has been a lifelong interest of mine that I plan to experience. This one I think I can realistically do in 2008.

Blowfish is something I've wanted to eat for a long time now.

I'm not going to promise that I'll experience all of these things within the year. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something I may not be able to keep, but there are my goals.

10. Learn How to Use a Sewing Machine

I want to learn how to use a sewing machine because there are some modifications that experienced sewers claim are easy to execute. I feel that learning how to sew will expand a lot of opportunities for me. There are some crafts I can't do because I don't own a sewing machine or know how to use one. I don't want to own a sewing machine until I learn how to use one, but I haven't found success learning it inside a classroom. (That doesn't make me look very bright, does it?) So, I have to find an instructor I'm receptive to. The idea of sewing my own clothes really appeals to me. There aren't too many clothes that accommodate my size. I'm ambitious about it, but I doubt I'll commit to making my own clothes. I'll never know until it becomes a possibility, though.

11. Keep in Touch with Family

I withdrew from my blood-related family ties long ago for reasons I choose to not reveal. So, I don't really have the special relationship that many people have with their family that's unique within blood ties. It wasn't long ago that I believed my relationship with people I considered family was the same. It's not, though. I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same, but it doesn't matter. My situation is different. Family isn't defined by genetics. It's defined by the connection you have with people close to you. I've always believed that, and I still do. I just have to remind myself of it and live my life with that philosophy.It doesn't help that I don't make a conscious effort to keep in touch with my family. I want to reconnect with them and aim for spending time with them at least once a month. I also want to connect with each individual personally and develop a special and unique relationship with each one of them.

12. Find Balance

This seems to always be on my New Year's Resolution, as I haven't come close to achieving this goal. I'm always one extreme or another. I'm talkative or I act like a mute. I'm an OCD neat freak or a negligent slob. I'm either exercising daily or practically sedentary. I cook a week's worth of meals or go a month without even touching a microwave. I go on a major shopping spree or I'm completely stingy. I'm either excessive or passive. I'm unable to safely and wisely buy indulgences. I'm not a balanced thinker. I'm an overly-logical person. I'm extroverted. I'm not creative or artistic. I don't have rhythm. The closest I've come was taking ballet lessons, which are technical, rigid, exact, and well-timed but not rhythmic. It's actually rather creatively stifling. When I choreographed my own dance piece, I sat down and evaluated which moves I wanted to do. I made geometric shapes on paper and followed a mathematical pattern. I can't draw, paint, sculpt, sew, or do any of that stuff. Writing is the closest I've ever come to creativity, but fiction and poetry are out of my reach. This is probably why I don't have a unique fashion sense. They're all recycled. It's great to be considered intelligent, but I also want to be considered creative. People always compliment me as a great speaker but never a good listener. Seeing things in black and white give me a rare perspective during difficult times, but not seeing the gray really blinds me to many things, as well. I'm so extreme that a small joke makes my eye twitch out of anger, even when I'm not that upset. An innocent but envious comment dropped my blood pressure so low that my boyfriend didn't want me to do anything. I was able to clean, shop, and move around in a state where most people can't even stand. Having a balanced stress meter, a balanced approach to life, a healthy medium is what I want. More specifically, I want to delve into creative activities such as arts & crafts. A more refined and detailed resolution about dance will be included shortly. I want to be more introverted, basically know myself better. Another resolution about that will be listed, as well.

13. Make healthy choices.

While this is undoubtedly a permanent New Year's resolution, I didn't add it to my list until much later because it seemed so clique that it went without saying. But I'm supposed to list off my resolutions, so here it is. I do make an effort to lead a healthy lifestyle, and my goal is to maintain my good habits while gaining some new ones. Here is my list, some of which I already follow and some I should develop a regular habit for: proper water consumption, reduction of carbonated beverages, five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day, a big breakfast, a light dinner, calcium supplements, regular consumption of complex carbs (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc), light stretches, daily cardio, every other day strength training, daily walking, daily reading, a healthy social life, breathing exercises, regular flossing, sunscreen protection, eye protection with sunglasses, etc.

14. Feel Better About Myself

I want to stop feeling like second place. This is something I never really worked on. I'm usually typecast as being egotistical and overly-confident because of the way I walk. I'm a ballet dancer, and, as a child, one of the things I was most criticized on was for not lifting my neck up. The repetitious reminder and consistent practice helped me develop that habit. And as a dancer, I'm trained to move, which includes walking, with grace. I also have an overly arched back, which gives an elevated illusion, often misinterpreted as over-confidence. This snap judgment is usually made by strangers. Not once has someone ever accused me of being like this from anyone who knows me well. I'm intelligent. I'm opinionated. I'm articulate. I'm strong-willed and uncompromising. I have a set of standards I expect everyone to abide by, and when legal contracts aren't honored, I make sure that the people accountable remedy the problem(s). My diligence is admired by many. At such a young age, I became impressionable and influential, not because of confidence but out of desperation and necessity to be respected. I was legally emancipated as a minor, so I was forced to deal with many challenges. Many times people tried to take advantage of me because of my youth and inexperience. I didn't become who I am today, knowledgeable and resilient, because of confidence. I was forced to defend myself. It's really my stubbornness conveniently working to my advantage. People see my actions, not the feelings behind them. Few people know about my upbringing and life difficulties. I feel guilty as it is feeling the way I do. There are so many other productive ways to spend my time, and I don't enjoy feeling inadequate. So, I try to suppress my insecurities. Whenever I try to face them, I become overwhelmed and emotionally erratic. There's no one I can really talk to about this because people aren't receptive to it. They've already judged me as strong and capable. Whenever I've tried to share my concerns, it's dismissed and chalked up as trivial concerns. There are undeniably more important things in life, but feeling lowly about yourself is no small thing. I'm running out of places to hide. I've never felt good enough, always second place. In middle school, my friends were popular, but I wasn't. In high school, I became popular by association. I'm considered a hottie, but only when I'm standing alone. How much of a hottie can I possibly be if anyone else who has pussy can knock me out of the race? I'm well aware that there are worse things to be considered, but for whatever reason, I can't help feel inferior. When a guy checks me out, and someone else says, "You mean the flat one?" It's not a very uplifting feeling. When strangers come up to me and ask me if I've considered breast implants, a subjectively pretty face doesn't uphold much. I have a small bust size, a boyish figure, ass so flat and no hips that everything sits low on me, my knees round outward so grotesquely that my school uniform was requested to be higher to cover my unsightly legs. For the most part, I'm not too concerned with my appearance. But the absence of concern has surfaced some lifelong insecurities. Having a lot more free time on my hands, I want to work towards bettering myself and that means uncovering the side of me I keep hidden. I have reservations about my body. I'm frustrated about how unbalanced I am because it shouldn't be that hard, which perpetuates the problem. I feel like I'm anatomically, biologically, and physiologically disadvantaged. It's hard to feel good about myself when I can't even walk outside my apartment without the door knob falling off when every other unit doesn't seem to have a problem. I feel like I have so many social challenges. When it's hot, I get heat rashes, sun poison, and skin infections. When it's cold, my skin turns blue, my joints stiffen, and I creak as I walk. My ankle becomes sprained even when I just walk. It makes me feel guilty because my boyfriend ends up paying for whatever I need that I can't afford. I'm tired of feeling guilty and crappy. I could care less about getting other people's approval. I'm mainly concerned with my own. I don't feel uncomfortable by other people's criticisms of me when it's not a priority to me. I want to focus on me.

Changing my Plans

I wanted to take advantage of my time off school to engage in activities I normally wouldn't have time for, but my plans were shot down when it was made clear to me that squirrels will probably ravage my container garden. I'm glad I, at least, found out before I made any major purchases. I'm still not entirely sure how accurate the claims are, but I'm unwilling to pay to find out. So, instead I decided to focus on arts & crafts that I've always been interested in but never had time for. I did the most elementary coloring book thing with picture answers but whatever. I enjoyed it, and that's what's important. I also reinvented a T-shirt. I'm interested in making my own journal, seeing how rapidly I go through them. It becomes costly after a while. I also want to buy brain puzzle books at the local bookstore for dirt cheap. If I write on them, I can't reuse them unless I erase them, which I probably won't, but they're so inexpensive that I'm okay with that. I bought some art supplies at Michael’s when it was on sale, accumulating to my current collection (cardstocks, stamps, translucent and black ink pads, mica powder kit, sponge brush, ball mold, acrylic paint, Yes paste, double sided tape, colored pencils, foam balls, bone folder, felt, dowels, stickers, black ribbon, and stipple brush). I plan to buy materials to emboss, make journals, and my own candles.

Materialism in Moderation

There are a lot of things I want in life. Some are unreasonably greedy desires and purely frivolous, while others are necessities, and some are somewhere in between. I think it's a matter of finding a balance and evaluating my priorities. Things like books and home decor aren't essential to life but can enrich it. Rather than going to the library or reading information online, the idea of having a book in my hand appeals to me. I won't deny that there aren't cheaper alternatives. I use home decor as a way to express my identify and define my space. It means a lot to me, and I truly believe that it makes an impact on my emotional well-being, but I'm not going to pretend that it's a necessity for survival. I guess it really depends on how important these material possessions are to me based on its price range, what it's used for, and what it can and does offer me. Here is my list that I plan to go through and purchase throughout my life. The list will increase, decrease, and modify over time, but for the most part, I think I've thought this through.

BATHROOM

Purple Swirl Glass Lotion Pump ~ Purple Swirl Glass Tumbler ~ Ulti-Mat Vinyl Bath Mat in white ~ Combo Showerheads in chrome ~Stainless Steel Toilet Paper Canister ~ Healthy Shelf Towel Dispenser ~Bath Rug ~ Night Light

BEAUTY

Hair Care Center - The Blow Away by Creative Bath Products ~ Spornette Paddle Brush ~ Boar Bristle Round Brush ~ Wide Tooth Comb ~ Volumizing Comb ~ Biosilk Silk Therapy ~ Solia Tourmaline Ceramic Ion Flat Iron ~ TiGi Catwalk Work It Hairspray ~ Thermasilk Silk & Shine Shaping Gel ~ Deep Conditioning Hair Treatment ~ Papaya Enzyme Mask ~ Panasonic Portable Oral Irrigator ~ Braun 5270 Silk-epil X'elle Body System Epilator ~ Shu Uemura Water Perfect Smoothing Water-in Fluid Foundation ~ Shiseido Tinted Moisturizer in medium ~ Kiss Mascara in black ~ Microdermabrasion Facial ~ Face Serum ~ Essential Oils (lavender, rosemary, vanilla, cinnamon, ginger, eucalyptus, peppermint, spearmint) ~ Coconut Emulsifying Carrier Oil ~ Lush Dream Cream

BEDROOM

MALM Queen Size Bed Frame in birch veneer ~ 1000 Thread Count Sheet Set in Violet ~ Ergonomic Pillow ~ Down Comforter ~ Calvin Klein Orchids Bedding Duvet Cover in queen ~ 2 MALM Chest with 2 drawers in birch veneer ~ LAMPS PLUS Set of 2 Modern Brushed Steel Touch Table Lamps ~ Set of 2 Emerson Alarm Clocks ~ MALM Chest of 6 Drawers in birch veneer ~ Conair Vanity Mirror ~

BOOKS

Eating for Beauty ~ Hair & Makeup ~ The Beauty Bible ~ Fashion Makeover ~ New Complete Guide to Sewing ~ Sew Fast Sew Easy ~ The Lingerie Handbook ~ The Lucky Shopping Manual ~ Bountiful Garden ~ Complete Guide to Drawing ~ Emily Post's Wedding Planner ~ New York City Ballet Workout ~ Chinese Herbal Secrets ~ Detox Solutions ~ Drugs for Less ~ Healing with Whole Foods ~ Hormones, Health, and Happiness ~ How Doctors Think ~ Mindless Eating ~ Safe Estrogen ~ Skinny Bitch ~ The Cure for All Diseases ~ The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat ~ The Mild Traumatic Brain Injury ~ The New Feminine Brain ~ The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook ~ What Nurses Know and Doctors Don't Have Time For ~ What Your Doctor Won't (Or Can't) Tell You ~ Deep Survival ~ First Aid Responding to Emergencies ~ SAS Survival Handbook ~ The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook ~ The Gift of Fear ~ A Manual for Writers of Research Papers, Theses, and Dissertations ~ Buying a Car for Dummies ~ Classic Haiku ~ Everything You Need to Know About American History Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About Geography Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About Math Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About Science Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About World History Homework ~ Green Living ~ How to Buy a Car ~ I Can Read You Like a Book ~ Intellectual Devotional ~ Japanese Berlitz in 30 Days ~ Knowledge Book ~ Lies My Teacher Told Me ~ Listening: The Forgotten Skill ~ Merriam-Webster Thesaurus ~ Modern Japanese ~ Music, the Brain, and Ecstasy ~ Never Shower in a Thunderstorm ~ New Complete Do-It-Yourself Manual ~ Personal Finance for Dummies ~ Rand McNally's World Atlas ~ The Death of Common Sense ~ The History of Sexuality ~ The Myth of Laziness ~ The Power of Art ~ The Power of Myth ~ The Tao of Writing ~ The Tipping Point ~ Ask and It Is Given ~ Atlantis Encyclopedia ~ A Thousand Paths to Happiness ~ Beyond Motherhood ~ Change Your Mind, Change Your Life ~ Evil Genes ~ Organized Crime ~ Relax and Renew ~ The Creative Habit ~ The Culture of Fear ~ The Lens of Perception ~ The Mayan Code ~ Why People Believe Weird Things ~ Sex Matters ~ The Couple's Guide to Communication ~ The Multi-Orgasmic Couple ~ An Introduction to Zen Buddhism ~ Astral Projection for Beginners ~ Candle Therapy ~ Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs ~ Eastern Body, Western Mind ~ From Death to Birth ~ Intelligent Thought ~ Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion ~ Mystic Foundation ~ Origin of Species ~ Santeria: The Religion ~ Shattering the Myth of Darwinism ~ The Book of Chakra Healing ~ The Book of Understanding ~ The Craft ~ The Crystal Bible ~ The End of Faith ~ The I Ching ~ The Toltec Way ~ The Way of the Shaman ~ The World's Religion ~ They Bore the Wounds of Christ ~ Chinese Symbolism and Art Motifs ~ Color Therapy ~ Feng Shui for Lovers ~ Feng Shui Your Life ~ I Know All About You ~ The Power of the Dragon ~ UFO Briefing Document ~ Who Are You? ~ Comparative Mythology ~ Russian Folk Beliefs ~ Real-Life Stories of Supernatural Experiences ~ Shiva: The Wild God of Power and Ecstasy ~ The Hell Screens ~ A Man Without a Country ~ As I Lay Dying ~ Death Note ~ If You Really Loved Me ~ Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil ~ Lullaby ~ Out ~ Perfume ~ Pride & Prejudice ~ Red Mandarin Dress ~ Road to Hell ~ Seven Japanese Tales ~ The Psychopath ~ The Thirteenth Tale ~ Thousand Pieces of Gold ~ A Child Called "It" ~ A Long Way Gone ~ Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl ~ Che Guevara ~ I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings ~ The Kiss ~ A Taste of Guam ~ Ball Complete Book of Home Preserving ~ Book of Soups ~ Classic Indian Cooking ~ Garlic, Garlic, Garlic ~ Hors 'D Ouevres ~ Joy of Cooking ~ Kimchi ~ Marie Claire Breakfast ~ Mary Bell's Completely Dehydrator Cookbook ~ Mastering the Art of French Cooking ~ Modern Greek ~ New Polish Cuisine ~ Please to the Table ~ The Food of Israel ~ The Good Housekeeping Illustrated Cookbook ~ Wisdom of the Chinese Kitchen ~ Brushstroke Handbook ~ IQ Puzzles ~ Jumbo Jumble ~ The Everything Large Print Crossword Challenge Book ~ The Little Black Book of Sudoku ~ The Ultimate Picture Puzzle ~

CLEANING/LAUNDRY

Slide 'n Stack Basket by 11" x 20" with Track by Rubbermaid ~ White Bar Mop Towels ~ Microfiber Waffle Dishcloth (DII Waffle Microfiber Dishcloth, Lavender set of 5 ~ Microfiber Stainless Steel Magnet Cloth ~ Brushtech Decanter/Bottle Brush ~ Brushtech Crystal Stemware Brush ~Eureka 4870GZ Boss Smart-Vac Upright Vacuum ~Hoover S220 Flair Bagless Upright Stick Vacuum with Power Nozzle ~ Floor Washer Mop ~ Mop and Broom Organizer ~ Whitney Design Rectangular Krush Storage Container in Natural Color ~ Whitney Design 5147 Indoor Folding Drying Rack, Chrome ~ Ironing Board ~ Stainless Steel Lingerie Dryer ~ IQ Air Health Pro Plus HEPA Air Purifier ~ Grook Tool Holders ~

DINING AREA

Dolce 5-pc. Dining Set ~ Healthy Shelf Towel Dispenser ~

ENTRANCEWAY

Magnetta Key & Letter Holder by Umbra ~

FASHION

LINGERIE: One to two week's worth of superior quality bras of various styles and colors (Balconet bra for low-rise tops in red, contour bra for offering a naturally rounding and shapely effect with no visible nipples, convertible bra for halters in nude, demi bra for the softer push-up bra effect, Seamless bra for their smoothness and ideal companion for t-shirts in black and nude, Racerback bra for certain tops and perfect for my narrow shoulders in nude, Compression style Sports bra for physical activities, strapless for spaghetti strap tops, Seamed bra for heavy wool sweaters, Bustier in black, Silicone reusable bra for strapless and backless tops and a naturally full impact, colors in each style will be determined during the shopping experience but at least two neutrals and two blacks are mandatory) ~ Two week's worth of superior quality panties of various styles and colors (French knickers, seamless in nude and two blacks, thongs in low-rise, high rise, and G-string, low-rise boyshorts, bikini in low-rise and high rise) ~ A week's worth of panties specifically for menstrual cycles (low-rise boyshorts in red and black, low-rise bikini in red, purple, and black, seamless in black, thongs in red and black) ~ 2-pc. Silk Pajama Set in Violet ~ Bias Slip in silk and red ~ Silk Robe in red ~ DRESSES: 2 Work Dresses (Shift dress with boatneck cut in black, best worn with a long khaki coat and T-strap heels and Boatneck long sleeve dress in black, best worn with a belt to create a modern twist and figure) ~ 1 Evening Dress (Tulle style, it's strappy, adds height, the gentle flare is figure enhancing, reveals my nice shoulders, dressy, great for dinner parties, and company dinners) ~ 2 Daytime/Weekend/Summer/Spring Dresses (Retro-rounded boatneck, sleeveless, gentle flare and V-shape cap sleeves in a figure enhancing dress in red, casual and picnic-friendly) ~ SKIRTS: 2 All-Season work skirts (A-line tropical wool skirt and Pencil skirt in black) ~ Denim Skirt ~ Tulip Skirt in black as a day-to-night and evening party skirt ~ Asymmetrical skirt in plaid ~ Circle Skirt in black with floral print as a summer skirt ~ Denim Long Skirt ~ Khaki Long Skirt ~ SHORT SLEEVES: Most have polyester material or a stretchy-cotton blend unless otherwise specified. Crewneck short sleeve t-shirts with cap sleeves in white and black ~ V-Neck short sleeve t-shirts with cap sleeves in white and black ~ Polo tees in white and black ~ Scoopneck short sleeve tees in white, black, red, and violet ~ Short sleeve/borderline sleeveless tees in red, black, and black and white thick stripes in stretch-cotton ~ Cinched, stretchy short sleeves in black and red ~ V-shape flutter short sleeve in red ~ V-shape flutter sleeve chiffon top in floral print ~ Short sleeve blouses (white and black) ~ SLEEVELESS: Spaghetti strap tanks in white, black, and violet ~ Boatneck tanks in black ~ Racer back tank in red, violet, and black for yoga and loungewear ~ Halter tops to expose my pretty shoulders ~ Scoopneck cap sleeves in sheer khaki ~ LONG SLEEVES: Henley tees in red and black ~ Long sleeve blouses (white, red, vertical stripes, violet, and black) ~ Off-the-shoulder long sleeve (red and black) ~ Long sleeve wrap in violet ~ Tunic long sleeve as a weekend top ~ Shirts with cinches to enhance what I don't have ~ Crewneck long sleeves (black) ~ Lace V-shaped top in black ~ Asymmetrical tops (black and red) ~ SWEATERS: Long Sleeve Cardigan (white, red, violet, and black) ~ V-neck long sleeve sweaters (red and violet) ~ Long Sleeve Ribbed Turtleneck (white, red, violet, and black) ~ Khaki Long Sleeve Turtleneck ~ Long Sleeve and Long Length Knitted Cardigan in black ~ Sheer Cashmere Long Sleeve Turtleneck Sweater in dark red ~ COATS & JACKETS: Denim Jacket ~ Leather Jacket Zip-up in black ~ Lightweight Short Jacket in khaki ~ Belted Overcoat in khaki ~ Marvin Richards Double Breasted Long Coat in black ~ Long, Dark Red Coat ~ Black Leather Coat ~ SWIMWEARS: Two pairs of swimmable suits (1 pair of tankini and boy shorts set or one-tie triangular string bikini set in a halter) ~ Wrap Skirt in red ~ PANTS: 2 Pairs of Thermal Pants ~ Khaki Flare Pants ~ 1 pair of Denim Flare Pants in antique ~ 2 Pair of Dark Shade of Denim Flare Pants in dark wash (one pair to wear with heels, the other with flats) ~ Pinstripe Flare Pants ~ Black Flare Pants ~ SUITS: Classic skirt suit (pencil skirt, three button blazer with a retro lapel), Gurly skirt suit (shaped skirt, feminine blazer), Classic pants suit ~ JEWELRY ~ Pearl Stud Earrings ~ 1 Carat Diamond Stud Earrings (white gold) ~ Large White Gold Hoops ~ Gold Chandelier Earrings ~ NECKLACES: Drop Necklace in red ~ Drop Necklace in black ~ Black Choker ~ Amethyst Pendant ~ RINGS: Ruby Ring ~ Lavender Jade Ring ~ Amethyst Ring ~ BRACELETS: Red Heart Bracelet ~ Pearl Bracelet ~ BAGS & PURSES ~ COACH Checkbook Wallet ~ Everyday Classic Black Purse ~ JANSPORT Messenger Bag in black ~ JANSPORT Backpack in black ~ Large Black Purse ~ Black Tote ~ SHOES: White Sketchers Sneakers ~ 2 Pairs of Cross-Training Sneakers ~ An extra pair of sneakers for backup ~ Bloch Boost DRT Mesh Sneakers in black (dance sneakers) ~ Sketchers Sports Premium Sumptious (lazy sneakers) ~ Red Strappy Heels ~ Cathy Jeans X Ankle Strappy Heels in black ~ Steve Madden Fifthave (black pumps) ~ Big Girl's Booties in black (fuzzy winter slippers) ~ Fit Flop Walkstar in black ~ Gravis Misha W Ballet Slippers in black and lavender ~ T-strap Heels in black ~ Knee High Boots in black ~

FIRST AID/EMERGENCY

Emergency Candles ~ Activated Charcoal ~ Ankle Brace ~ Hand Sanitizer ~ Emergency Preparation Kit ~ Elastic Bandages ~ Triangular Bandages ~ Survival Fire Starter ~ Compass ~ Escape Ladder ~ Hand Crank Radio ~ Water Purifier ~ Escape Hammer ~ Syrup of Ipecac ~ Alltrade 150003 Auto-Loading Squeeze Utility Knife ~ J.A. Henckels International 5-pc. Scissor Set ~ Emergency Thermal Blanket ~ Assorted Bandages ~

FITNESS

8 lb. Dumbbells in black ~ Yoga Ball ~ Yoga Mat in purple ~

HOBBIES/INTERESTS

Acrylic Ruler ~ Alvin Self-Healing Cutting Mat ~ Card Stocks (white, nude, red, lavender, violet, purple, black) ~ Embossing Powder (pink, red, purple, silver, gold, black) ~ Crystal Growing Kit ~ Journals ~ Heat It Tool ~ Perfect Pearls Mica Powder Kit ~ Sewing Machine ~ Violin ~ X-Acto Knife ~ Rotary Cutter ~ Stamps (Happy Birthday, Thank You, Chinese Characters, Grass, Flowers, Background Image, Butterfly, Tulip, Japanese Fan, Polka Dots, Dragonfly, Design, Ornament, a set of three snowflakes, Bamboo) ~ Circle Craft Punch ~ Corner Rounder ~ All Purpose Scissors ~

KITCHEN

Scanpan Skillet ~ Scanpan Saute Pan~ Traditional Carbon Steel Wok ~ Bamboo Steamers ~ All-Clad Master Chef 2 2-quart Saucepan ~ All-Clad Master Chef 2 4 1/2 quart Saucepan with Loop ~ Emile Henry Burgundy Clay Round Flame Top Ceramic 4.2 quart ~ Emile Henry Burgundy Clay Round Flame Top Ceramic 8 quart ~ Japanese Donabe ~ Le Creuset 7 1/2 qt Dutch Oven in cobalt blue ~ All-Clad Master Chef 2 Stockpot ~All-Clad Multi-Cooker (12 quart stockpot with colander and pasta insert) ~ Fagor 6-qt. Duo Pressure Cooker ~ Crock Pot Slow Cooker ~ Rice Cooker ~ Toaster ~ Stainless Steel Splatter Guard ~ Le Creuset Square Skinny Grill ~ Le Creuset Petite Stoneware Garlic Baker ~ Cuisipro Deluxe Stainless Steel Food Mill ~ Le Creuset Stoneware Baking Dish in red ~ Le Creuset Covered Stoneware Baker in red ~ Sur La Table Nonstick Stainless Steel Roasting Pan ~ All-Clad Gourmet Jelly Roll Pan ~ De Buyer Nonstick Crepe Pan (unable to make crepes on other cooking surfaces) ~ Round Cake Pan ~ Muffin Pan ~ Miniature Muffin Pan</s> Madeleine Plaque ~ 'The Grid' Silicone Pot Holders in black ~ Rolling Pin ~ Sur La Table Dough Scraper ~ Bouquet Garni Bag ~ Brown Sugar Saver ~ Le Creuset Halo Teakettle in red ~ Teapot ~ Vic Firth Salt & Pepper Mills in cherry ~ Spice Towers ~ Krups Brushed Stainless Steel Grinder ~ Shun Knife Collection (wood block, Chef's, santoku, boning, paring, and bread knives) ~ Braun Hand Blender & Chopper ~ Epicurean Grooved Cutting Surface ~ Colander ~ OXO Pump Salad Spinner ~ Chef's Choice Three-Stage Sharpener ~ Bamboo Expandable Tray ~ Rosle Dripless Ladle ~ Rosle Serving Spoon ~ Rosle Slotted Spoon ~ Rosle Spatula ~ Rosle Twirl Whisk ~ Rosle Flat Whisk ~ Rosle Fine Mesh Kitchen Strainer ~ OXO Balloon Whisk ~ Rosle Self-Locking BBQ Tongs ~ Le Creuset Silicone Pastry Brush ~ Wooden Spoon ~ All Purpose Spatula ~ Kitchen Aid Silicone Short Turner, black ~ Rosle Garlic Press ~ Bamboo Skimmer ~ Mandoline Slicer ~ Citrus Reamer ~ Can Opener ~ Candy/Chocolate Thermometer ~ Ice Cream Scoop ~ Meat Tenderizer ~ Nut Cracker ~ Tovolo Dripless Turkey Baster ~ Rosle Waiter's Friend/Captain's Knife ~ Potato Ricer ~ Canning Jar Lifter ~ Egg Slicer ~ White Marble Mortar and Pestle ~ Microplane Box Grater ~ Zyliss 4-in-1 Multi Slicer/Grater ~ Pyrex 4-cup Glass Measuring Bowl ~ Stainless Steel Measuring Cup Set ~ Stainless Steel Measuring Spoon Set ~ Funnel with Strainer ~ 18/10 Stainless Steel Flatware Set (Service for 8) ~ Expandable Flatware Tray ~ Nested Glass Mixing Bowl Set ~ Corningware Corelle Coordinates 3-piece Bowl Set, Shadow Iris ~ Stainless Steel Mixing Bowls ~ OXO Good Grips 5-qt. Mixing Bowl ~ Rubberwood Salad Wood Bowl and Stand ~ Universal Nonstick Silicone Lid ~ 4-pc. Square Canister Set ~ Corelle Livingware 16-pc. Dinnerware Set, Service for 4 ~ Open Bar 12-pc. Set ~ Clear Solutions Jumbo Cookbook Holder ~ Typhoon Elegance Drizzler in Amethyst ~ Scouring Pad ~ Potato Brush ~ Wooden Mushroom Brush ~ Simplehuman Wall-Mounted Paper Towel Holder ~ Cabinet Mount Trash System ~ Magnetic Measurement Conversion Chart ~ AeroGrow AeroGarden ~

LIVING ROOM

Ballet bar ~ Purple Sofa ~ Tribeca Coffee Table ~ Azura Pablo Entertainment Center ~ Framed Orchids II Art Poster Print, 12 x 12 ~ 2 Optium Acrylic, 12 x 12 ~ Lily Print in 12 x 12 ~ Amethyst Gemstone Tree ~ Egyptian Vintage Perfume Bottle ~ Large Chinese Parasol Umbrella in plum ~ Unscented Soy Candles of Various Sizes ~ Purple Candles of Assorted Sizes and Shapes ~Nightstand Shoji Lamp ~ Peace Lily Houseplant ~ Vintage Perfume Bottles in Purple ~

MISCELLANEOUS

Voice Recorder ~

MOVIES/DVDs

Buffy the Vampire Slayer ~ Center Stage ~ Fight Club ~ Mean Girls ~ Face/Off ~ Memento ~ Vanilla Sky ~ Mr. and Mrs. Smith ~ Wanted ~ My Big Fat Greek Wedding ~ Supernatural (Season 1, 2, and 3) ~ Swimfan ~ The Craft ~ Totoro ~ Unfaithful ~ Urban Legends ~ Valentine ~ Wild Things ~ Wizard of Oz ~

OFFICE AREA

Computer ~ Computer Screen ~ Computer Table ~ Computer Chair ~ Printer/Copier/Scanner in 1 ~ Shredder ~ Oregon Scientific SmartGlobe ~ Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus with Comprehensive Reference Set ~ Brother P-Touch QL-500 Manual Cut PC Label Printing System ~

TOOL KIT

Tool kit ~ Sturdy Safety Gloves ~ Utility Knife ~ STANLEY Measuring Tape ~ Saw ~ Putty Knife ~ Assorted nails, screws, hooks, and wires ~ Staple Gun ~ Pry Bar ~ 10-inch Adjustable Wrench ~ Needlenose Pliers ~ Stud Finder ~ Survival Knife ~ Screwdriver Set ~ Black & Decker 12-Volt Cordless Power Drill ~ Hammer ~ Drill Bits ~ Carpenter's Level ~