I know that a post for New Year’s Resolution is painfully delayed, but I wasn’t actually planning on creating a New Year’s Resolution this year. I have made resolutions in the past, but I feel that I don’t take it seriously. If anything, I create a resolution for the enjoyment of writing and making lists. I figure that if I’m going to improve my life, I will whether I jot it down or not. My motivation to improve my quality of life was never influenced by a new year. Then, it occurred to me, be that as it may, putting my goals down in writing won’t hinder my potential to achieve it. Taking the time to formulate what I want to do exactly by putting it down in writing puts me in the right mindset I need to be in, order to accomplish those goals. I usually feel somewhat robotic, unoriginal, and disconnected to my resolutions that I become uninspired. The idea of working out, the sweating, ugh! That’s probably another reason why I’m not as excited about creating a resolution list like other people are. That clearly is not the ideal way to approach the new year ahead of me. I saw creating a New Year’s Resolution to be a chance for personal experience and growth on a deeper level than I realized when I was talking to my friend. Her New Year’s Resolution is to stop making excuses for her significant other. She’s very naïve and blinds herself to deceit, making excuses for them. She believes that she knows someone is lying to her on a subconscious level long before she fully acknowledges it, and she wants to change that. That’s respectable and a very tall, necessary order for her. I thought it was cool to have such a resolution unique and personal to you. So, that’s what I’ve decided to do. It’s such a great idea. After all, you have to feel connected to your resolutions. And, more importantly, look forward to making those changes, rather than viewing them as a daunting experience. It’s the same concept when you’re discouraged by the idea of working out. Create a workout routine that makes things interesting such as dancing. Here is part of my New Year’s Resolution. Some of them are boringly common and universally familiar, probably why I lose interest quickly. My goal is to individualize them for my purposes. I also want to create resolutions that are unique to me.
I may pick common unoriginal goals, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less interested in accomplishing them. The resources and desires are there, but daily interferences and bad habits often impede reading opportunities. I not only want to read more, but I want to expand my topics. I gravitate towards nonfiction because fictional books don’t capture my interest. Sometimes I feel like it’s because I’m not a deep enough of a person to connect at that level. It’s important that I prove myself wrong, which means I have to read more fictional books and continue to until I find one, not limit the possibility. I want to have that feeling everyone seems to have, that one book they just love. I plan to email everyone I know and ask what their favorites are.
I was the gurlygurl in high school that avoided any rigorous activity. I carried Walgreens in my purse and wore black platforms and stilettos. I guess trying to catch up with time for being late for everything and kicking ass was enough to keep me fit, but those were things beyond my control entering my life. Now that I’m in a place to make my own decisions and avoid catastrophic events, I’m not as active as I used to be. I did everything and anything I could to avoid physical activity. In middle school and early high school, my P.E. class had to run laps outside, away from my teacher’s view. So I convinced my boyfriend to carry me around the blocks. I only ran for about 20 steps for each lap when my teacher was visible. I intentionally overburdened my class schedule with electives and honors that I didn’t have room for P.E. I convinced my school counselor to let me take ballet as an equivalent and incorporate my “P.E. class” into my transcript somewhere else. You only need two years worth of P.E. in high school, anyways. As far as ballet, I had a lot of forged signatures for my attendance. But becoming more health-conscientious, I took a physical activity class at my local community college. I wasn’t expecting to run, but it was a requirement. It was the first time I’ve ever ran a mile without stopping, and I did it in 9 minutes. I surprised myself that I had that much endurance and concentration, but I was mostly shocked by how I felt. In the past, within a block, my head would start pulsing, my throat felt like there was blood, my limbs felt so heavy and painful, and I was having breathing difficulties. I didn’t just surrender to my weakness, but I reacted really negatively to it, so I avoided it at all costs. This time it was better, though. My head was throbbing, and I did taste blood in the back of my throat. But I enjoyed the runner’s high. I wanted to stick to it, but I didn’t. I think I can realistically run the marathon if I prepare for it properly. I don’t want to commit to a marathon, but I do want to start jogging, again. Incorporating a regular workout routine is another resolution for me, but jogging is my specific interest.
3. Find a creative outlet.
My mind is creatively stifling. I’m interested in the ideology of art, but I’m unable to incorporate it into my life. I’d like to believe that creativity can surface with diligence and the right inspiration. I can’t just pick up a pencil and paper and start drawing. It would not only be discouraging but confusing and possibly detrimental to my artistic development. I’m interested in creativity because I’m always looking to better myself. On some level, I know that there’s nothing essentially wrong with me, but I’m not satisfied with who I am. I see so much in other people, lacking within me. Then I see others who are vacuous and untalented. I’m so afraid of becoming like them that I force myself into improvement. It’s painful to be like this, though, constantly reminded of my shortcomings. So, I don’t want to risk doing things that’ll close me off to creativity. My natural tendencies are what suffocate my creativity. I’m highly organized. I categorize things and prefer things to be consistent and geometric. Needless to say, I need to reduce the amount of meticulousness and develop a more freeing approach. But it’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s who I am. I can never truly eradicate that. While I previously viewed instructional crafts to be unproductive, I think it should be my first step. I have a to-do list that must be completed by the end of the year:
2. Card
3.
4. Stenciling
5. Scrapbooking
6. Bookmark
4. Lose my Baby Fat
I feel like I’m developing an eating disorder as I think about weight loss for someone my size. I don’t actually want to lose weight, but I have to. I’m incredibly petite and underweight for my size and age, but I’m updating my standards. I’m 5’2 and used to weigh 98 lbs. As an adult, I owned and wore my jeans from when I was 12 years old! I didn’t like my weight or body size. I lack a feminine figure, I’m flat chested, and my legs look like sticks. Weighing 115 sounded more appropriate and flattering. I imagined more space being filled around the chest area and a slight shape. I have a voracious appetite and not for a vegetarian. I rapidly consume meat, poultry, fruits, veggies, dairy, junk foods, you name it, and I eat it except for sodas and coffee. I actually consume more than pregnant women. This is a confirmed claim. When I was younger, I rarely felt the sensation of being full. I stubbornly resisted the idea that I can’t gain weight. I intentionally followed all of the unfavorable rules, and after an extensive period of carefully scheduled heavy meals at night, lack of sleep, and some skipped breakfast, I gained two pounds. IT WAS AWFUL! I looked the same, but everything changed. My consumption for the entire day would be a slice of bread! It’d make me nauseous, but that’s all I could stomach without vomiting. Of course, I was also starved. I didn’t have a parasite, wasn’t pregnant, got tested for other possibilities, nothing! After the initial two pounds, my weight would fluctuate as much as 20 lbs within a week! I used multiple scales, too (at the
UPDATE: Studies have revealed that I have imbalanced hormones, and that’s why my body’s weight is so unstable. That’s also why I have problems that senior citizens have. It’s even more prevalent for me to lose weight before more health concerns surface when my hormone decides to throw a fit.
I’ve always been open-minded and tried a variety of foods that some people may find shocking without hesitation (rabbit, duck tongue, pigs ears, frog legs, alligators, crocodile, etc). And yet I don’t regularly try new foods. If I want to try more foods, I have to make more of an effort. So, I want to shoot towards eating at least one new thing a month. I recently tried kefir milk, for example. I’d like to try blowfish before the end of the year.
6. Expose Myself to New Things and Introduce More Adaptability into my Life
Studies reveal that adaptability is good for the brain. Leading a predictable life makes the brain stagnant. Something as simple as rearranging your computer table and office supplies requires your brain to reorganize its thinking. I highly prefer and incorporate an organized schedule. I fear the mental repercussions of being so predictable. I'm conceptually weak, which contributes to my poor sense of direction. I'm easily confused when I have to reroute my direction home. But it's not that bad to get lost. I'm capable of finding my way back. And that's just it. For whatever reason, I'm anal about exactness because the idea of something unplanned just makes me desperate for specificity. But it's not the end of the world to stray, and I'm denying myself a world of opportunities. I want to change that. What new things I'll do is still something I have to work on. I'm open to suggestions.
7. Reinvent my fashion style
My body isn't very feminine. There aren't too many clothes that flatter an unshapely figure. Petite sizes exist, but they only fit, not flatter. The fashion industry doesn't really focus their time on making superior clothes (clothes that enhance what you don't have). And even if they did, it would be unaffordable to me. My fashion sense isn't very innovative or flattering. I'm well-coordinated, and my clothes are nice, but they don't reflect my unique nature. Each trip to the mall, I'm convinced that this time I'll find something, and I'll purchase it. But the price tag dissuades me. It's understandable, but if I want reinvent myself, I have to drop some dough. The rarer something is, the higher the value. Either that or I have to get fat. And with each passing year, inflation makes clothes more exorbitant. I have to catch up. So, here are my goals.
2. Get at least a week's worth of versatile and usable outfits that focus on flattering my petite figure, small bust size, and flat ass. I want to incorporate my old pants standards of owning 1 pair of khakis, 1 pair of blue denim jeans, 1 pair of dark blue denim jeans, and 1 pair of black slacks. I want the khaki pants to be light in color. I want jeans that are part stretchy and flare out for an enhancing effect. Red looks hot on me, so I want to find more red tops. Many of my current tops are three quarter sleeves but not the flattering ones. I want to find tops with materials that cling to my skin in all of the favorable areas. My other challenge is that I have an unusually long mid-drift for someone my height, so a generous portion of my skin is exposed in a disproportionate sort of way. I'm tired of settling for tops like that. Time for a change, bitch! I'm thinking u-shapes and V-shapes. Purple is my favorite color, but you would never figure it on based on my wardrobe. My wardrobe should reflect my interests and personality, so more purples. I'm usually discouraged because purples are a rare color or is incorporated unattractively. Somewhere that has to be beautiful tops...
3. Accessorize. Last year I began buying jewelry, not the high end stuff but still beautiful, nonetheless. But I need more accessorizing. Simply wearing the red bracelet is a predictable course of action. I disconnect accessorizing when I put an outfit together. I see it as an ignorable sacrifice, not a subtle but fundamental element. I want something like this...(a picture will be attached to this soon)
4. Stop making compromises. I'm usually non-negotiable, but I surrender to fashion's limits. I never prioritize time to make an effort and find clothes that'll really shine through who I am. If I'm to expect any progress and reinvention of myself, I need to change my mindset. Again, my fashion sense should reflect who I am: dynamic, multi-dimensional, diverse, uncompromising, strong.
5. When evaluating possible clothes purchase, really consider how it looks on me, not how I want it to look. Be realistic.
8. Prioritize my Appearance
I know this statement can be interpreted as really superficial or neglectful on my part. I'm hygienic. Some people think I'm fine as hell. Their words, not mine. I have this tendency of attracting obnoxious guys who ban together and openly express their opinions of me. On the other hand, there are guys who are completely repulsed by me. Those are such extremes. I think I'm attractive...sometimes. But I can always do more. I can afford to improve the complexion of my skin, whiten my teeth, clear my clogged pores, and wear a pink gloss to enhance my natural beauty. A superior haircut sculpts my face shape and improves the overall quality of my appearance. A simple maintenance haircut effortlessly pulls my look together. It's affordable, but I don't commit to it. I plan to change that this year. My goal is to get a haircut at least every two months. It isn't just a luxury. My hair grows quickly, my split ends make brushing my hair difficult, and static and dryness become a daily interference. My goal is to cut my hair before it needs to be done because by then, I'm way overdue. I don't want to be consumed with my appearance, but I know there's more I can do to feel better about myself. My appearance is a part of me. My specific plans are:
Get a haircut at least every two months.
Whiten my teeth with an over-the-counter treatment.
Swipe bronzer on my face and apply pink lip gloss.
It's unrealistic for me to commit to a weekly facial, so I'll aim for once a month, using a papaya enzyme mask.
8. Start a Journal
I write often, so I don't need a journal for that practice. I just want something I can commit to and enjoy in a more organized but expanding sort of way. I like botanical gardens. I developed an interest for plants, specifically religious and cultural associations. I want something to show for my studies and exposures. I want to take pictures or print them out. Then write about its origin, any religious and cultural associations, etc.
9. Do Something New
We all have something we really want to do, but we put it off. I rarely indulge myself because there are so many necessities in life that I can't even afford. The truth is that those necessities will always exist. And it's quite possible that I'll never be able to afford them all. Should that mean I should abandon my dreams and interests? Of course not! And with inflation, these interests become pricier. With each passing year, these interests become harder and harder to attain. But my interests will always exist, and if I die without experiencing these things, I'll regret it. So it's up to me to incorporate my personal interests. I'm not suggesting that it interfere with essential purchases. I'm simply demanding for myself to make these interests a priority and finance accordingly.
Sweat Lodge I am interested in going to a sweat lodge. I'd really like to be able to go before the end of the year. I know people who go to one in San Jose.
Skydiving has been a lifelong interest of mine that I plan to experience. This one I think I can realistically do in 2008.
Blowfish is something I've wanted to eat for a long time now.
I'm not going to promise that I'll experience all of these things within the year. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something I may not be able to keep, but there are my goals.
10. Learn How to Use a Sewing Machine
I want to learn how to use a sewing machine because there are some modifications that experienced sewers claim are easy to execute. I feel that learning how to sew will expand a lot of opportunities for me. There are some crafts I can't do because I don't own a sewing machine or know how to use one. I don't want to own a sewing machine until I learn how to use one, but I haven't found success learning it inside a classroom. (That doesn't make me look very bright, does it?) So, I have to find an instructor I'm receptive to. The idea of sewing my own clothes really appeals to me. There aren't too many clothes that accommodate my size. I'm ambitious about it, but I doubt I'll commit to making my own clothes. I'll never know until it becomes a possibility, though.
11. Keep in Touch with Family
I withdrew from my blood-related family ties long ago for reasons I choose to not reveal. So, I don't really have the special relationship that many people have with their family that's unique within blood ties. It wasn't long ago that I believed my relationship with people I considered family was the same. It's not, though. I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same, but it doesn't matter. My situation is different. Family isn't defined by genetics. It's defined by the connection you have with people close to you. I've always believed that, and I still do. I just have to remind myself of it and live my life with that philosophy.It doesn't help that I don't make a conscious effort to keep in touch with my family. I want to reconnect with them and aim for spending time with them at least once a month. I also want to connect with each individual personally and develop a special and unique relationship with each one of them.
12. Find Balance
This seems to always be on my New Year's Resolution, as I haven't come close to achieving this goal. I'm always one extreme or another. I'm talkative or I act like a mute. I'm an OCD neat freak or a negligent slob. I'm either exercising daily or practically sedentary. I cook a week's worth of meals or go a month without even touching a microwave. I go on a major shopping spree or I'm completely stingy. I'm either excessive or passive. I'm unable to safely and wisely buy indulgences. I'm not a balanced thinker. I'm an overly-logical person. I'm extroverted. I'm not creative or artistic. I don't have rhythm. The closest I've come was taking ballet lessons, which are technical, rigid, exact, and well-timed but not rhythmic. It's actually rather creatively stifling. When I choreographed my own dance piece, I sat down and evaluated which moves I wanted to do. I made geometric shapes on paper and followed a mathematical pattern. I can't draw, paint, sculpt, sew, or do any of that stuff. Writing is the closest I've ever come to creativity, but fiction and poetry are out of my reach. This is probably why I don't have a unique fashion sense. They're all recycled. It's great to be considered intelligent, but I also want to be considered creative. People always compliment me as a great speaker but never a good listener. Seeing things in black and white give me a rare perspective during difficult times, but not seeing the gray really blinds me to many things, as well. I'm so extreme that a small joke makes my eye twitch out of anger, even when I'm not that upset. An innocent but envious comment dropped my blood pressure so low that my boyfriend didn't want me to do anything. I was able to clean, shop, and move around in a state where most people can't even stand. Having a balanced stress meter, a balanced approach to life, a healthy medium is what I want. More specifically, I want to delve into creative activities such as arts & crafts. A more refined and detailed resolution about dance will be included shortly. I want to be more introverted, basically know myself better. Another resolution about that will be listed, as well.
13. Make healthy choices.
While this is undoubtedly a permanent New Year's resolution, I didn't add it to my list until much later because it seemed so clique that it went without saying. But I'm supposed to list off my resolutions, so here it is. I do make an effort to lead a healthy lifestyle, and my goal is to maintain my good habits while gaining some new ones. Here is my list, some of which I already follow and some I should develop a regular habit for: proper water consumption, reduction of carbonated beverages, five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day, a big breakfast, a light dinner, calcium supplements, regular consumption of complex carbs (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc), light stretches, daily cardio, every other day strength training, daily walking, daily reading, a healthy social life, breathing exercises, regular flossing, sunscreen protection, eye protection with sunglasses, etc.
14. Feel Better About Myself
I want to stop feeling like second place. This is something I never really worked on. I'm usually typecast as being egotistical and overly-confident because of the way I walk. I'm a ballet dancer, and, as a child, one of the things I was most criticized on was for not lifting my neck up. The repetitious reminder and consistent practice helped me develop that habit. And as a dancer, I'm trained to move, which includes walking, with grace. I also have an overly arched back, which gives an elevated illusion, often misinterpreted as over-confidence. This snap judgment is usually made by strangers. Not once has someone ever accused me of being like this from anyone who knows me well. I'm intelligent. I'm opinionated. I'm articulate. I'm strong-willed and uncompromising. I have a set of standards I expect everyone to abide by, and when legal contracts aren't honored, I make sure that the people accountable remedy the problem(s). My diligence is admired by many. At such a young age, I became impressionable and influential, not because of confidence but out of desperation and necessity to be respected. I was legally emancipated as a minor, so I was forced to deal with many challenges. Many times people tried to take advantage of me because of my youth and inexperience. I didn't become who I am today, knowledgeable and resilient, because of confidence. I was forced to defend myself. It's really my stubbornness conveniently working to my advantage. People see my actions, not the feelings behind them. Few people know about my upbringing and life difficulties. I feel guilty as it is feeling the way I do. There are so many other productive ways to spend my time, and I don't enjoy feeling inadequate. So, I try to suppress my insecurities. Whenever I try to face them, I become overwhelmed and emotionally erratic. There's no one I can really talk to about this because people aren't receptive to it. They've already judged me as strong and capable. Whenever I've tried to share my concerns, it's dismissed and chalked up as trivial concerns. There are undeniably more important things in life, but feeling lowly about yourself is no small thing. I'm running out of places to hide. I've never felt good enough, always second place. In middle school, my friends were popular, but I wasn't. In high school, I became popular by association. I'm considered a hottie, but only when I'm standing alone. How much of a hottie can I possibly be if anyone else who has pussy can knock me out of the race? I'm well aware that there are worse things to be considered, but for whatever reason, I can't help feel inferior. When a guy checks me out, and someone else says, "You mean the flat one?" It's not a very uplifting feeling. When strangers come up to me and ask me if I've considered breast implants, a subjectively pretty face doesn't uphold much. I have a small bust size, a boyish figure, ass so flat and no hips that everything sits low on me, my knees round outward so grotesquely that my school uniform was requested to be higher to cover my unsightly legs. For the most part, I'm not too concerned with my appearance. But the absence of concern has surfaced some lifelong insecurities. Having a lot more free time on my hands, I want to work towards bettering myself and that means uncovering the side of me I keep hidden. I have reservations about my body. I'm frustrated about how unbalanced I am because it shouldn't be that hard, which perpetuates the problem. I feel like I'm anatomically, biologically, and physiologically disadvantaged. It's hard to feel good about myself when I can't even walk outside my apartment without the door knob falling off when every other unit doesn't seem to have a problem. I feel like I have so many social challenges. When it's hot, I get heat rashes, sun poison, and skin infections. When it's cold, my skin turns blue, my joints stiffen, and I creak as I walk. My ankle becomes sprained even when I just walk. It makes me feel guilty because my boyfriend ends up paying for whatever I need that I can't afford. I'm tired of feeling guilty and crappy. I could care less about getting other people's approval. I'm mainly concerned with my own. I don't feel uncomfortable by other people's criticisms of me when it's not a priority to me. I want to focus on me.
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