The Friend Who Passed

So much for trying to search for him on facebook. There were too many results for his name and eventually I gave up on searching for him, which is out of my nature actually. I didn't even think about it. Something about dismissing it bothered me, but it was abrupt and quickly forgotten. I just found out that he died a few years ago from a rare liver or kidney cancer or disease. (God, I can't even remember the details, and I was just told). He died within two days of his diagnosis. And he died near my area. I wish I could've reconnected with him.

We both lived in San Francisco. I actually gave up my friendship with him because his girlfriend was insecure about how much time he was spending with me. I was going through a difficult time, and it was evident. He's observant and perceptive but also just aware and paying attention. Well, I guess I should be saying that he was. I can't even wrap my head around the reality that he's gone. I don't think I ever got over the fact that I withdrew from our friendship in general because he was the first person who went out of his way to make sure that I was okay, and he didn't even know me that well. He told me that even though we didn't know each other that well that I can talk to him if I need someone to talk to. My boyfriend, at the time, just broke up with me, and a breath of relief was opened sighed by the people closest to him.

There was a mixture of relief and resentment towards his decision. I was just the girl who was a part of it. I was the talk of high school. I felt out of place, lost, and upset about virtually every aspect of my life. And there he was looking out for me. In the midst of people who saw my life being torn apart as curiously fascinating, he was the only person who truly cared about me and not the drama that I carried. Sometimes it felt like my own friends weren't there for me, people who actually cared about me. They made time to make sure I was okay and checked in almost as though it were routine. He went after me and snuck away from hanging out with his friends to engage in something so clearly unpleasant, just to make sure that I was okay.

I know he could've been a friend for life. But after seeing him argue with his girlfriend, I just disappeared. Actually his girlfriend was doing the crying, and I didn't pity her for her insecurities. She was irrational, and he did a lot to comfort her, even when it wasn't necessary. But from talking to him, I knew how much he truly cared about her. It killed him to see her so upset. But so long as I was around and in pain, he would've endured the pain he felt seeing his girlfriend upset to make sure that I was okay. It's just in his nature.

I didn't put too much thought into it at the time because my life was hectic, and I didn't want to get pissed off about it. It was the first time I willingly gave up a friendship for an irrational girlfriend's insecurity. I didn't want to waste my energy resenting her at a point in my life when I was stretched out so thin hating and resenting so many other people. I didn't want to think about the reality that I gave up a friendship that could've very well lasted a lifetime if he were alive that is.

I didn't even think about how much I would miss him or miss out on until I started using facebook actively. Too many of my friends girlfriends are insecure by my presence, and it's been bugging the crap out of me. I spent most of my life feeling insecure about myself, not feeling attractive or adequate. I've finally started feeling more confident about myself, and I felt like I couldn't even enjoy it because my friend's girlfriends hated my presence.

My friend told me that they'll always react differently around me because I'm a pretty girl. For the first time when someone's told me that I believed it, and I couldn't even enjoy the compliment because of the context. I don't want to feel guilty about it. I don't want to feel guilty about being attractive. I don't want to feel guilty for the friendships that I develop. I don't want to feel guilty for who I am. These are reasons that these girls hate me - I'm pretty, and I'm close with their boyfriends because of who I am. They consider me to be one of the guys. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing to feel guilty about that.

Recently I've been really scarred by the reality that these girls hate me because I think I can be a fucked up person. Some people perceive my honesty and bluntness as being completely fucked up. I struggle with the reality that people don't accept me for who I am, even though they're amazing people that I would love to have in my life. I hate seeing my friends conflicted and emotionally burdened because of my presence. I hate experiencing it. I hated so much when my friend actually told me that he can't hang out with me out of respect for his girlfriend. That basically told me that his girlfriend is more important to him than me, and I'm basically discriminated out of his circle of friends because of my gender! I pretty much had to accept that he's not the friend I believed he was.

Hating him doesn't make it easier. I have other friends who have actually defended me to their girlfriends. I feel awful because I get relieved when I discover that they've ended things with their girlfriends. Their relationship issues involving me no longer weigh on me. I get to see them more and hang out with them. I can see the relief in their faces. It makes me feel bad because I know they were happy on some level, but I feel how I feel.

I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about my friend who's passed lately. It's probably because he was the first friend who's girlfriend hated having me around. Every time I see the strain in my friend's eyes, I see him and what he went through. Not only was that the first relationship I saw struggle because of me, but it was the first friendship that I gave up because of it. Not all friends are made equal. Some will always mean more to you than others. It's a reality, and I always knew that he was someone who could've really touched my life. Lately I've been feeling like my friend's girlfriends have been stripping away my friendships, so it's made me resent his girlfriend. Now he's not even alive. The time to develop and deepen on friendship has passed because time escaped us. And he's gone

Channeling What I Have

I think my friend described me perfectly. "I think incessant thoughts are a sign of higher intelligence but unchanneled it can drive you nuts!" It's so obvious, yet profound. People seem to be endlessly fascinated by how my mind works. It has such a dynamic range and an even more dynamic consequence. My math professor told me that I'm UC material, but I'd be smarter if I thought less. Most professors tell me that the best advice they can give me is to think less. My friend, AJ, told me that I have a drug addict's mentality. Another told me that I'm not happy because my parents are in my head and that I need to get rid of those thoughts because the older I get it, the louder they become. It's true. My friends, who by the way don't have facebook (can you believe it?), told me that I'm meant to be an engineer. My friend seems to think that I'd be good at it but would get bored of it.

I feel like in many ways how my mind works has more range of opportunities than others but with it comes a greater range of insanity, too. I don't want that. I feel like I'm a powerful force, sometimes more intense than others. So I have to put extra effort and care to ground myself, something I rarely take the time to do. I think what I have is a blessing or a curse depending on how it's channeled. It can be abundantly positive or dangerously havoc with equal abandon. I want to work towards the beneficial direction.

I believe that there are two kinds of laid-back people - the ones who work on it (AJ and I'm hoping someday me) and the ones who possess it, but life always has challenges that'll weigh us down. There are also hybrids who naturally possess it but also possess the incessant thoughts that torment so many of us. I believe we all have tot put in the time and effort to keep ourselves grounded. Who else will do it? Life certainly won't. Life throws us the curve balls that give us the incentive to keep ourselves calm.

I've been this way for so long that I'm not even fully aware of how desperate I am for balance, but I'm becoming more aware of it. The universe senses it, too, because I truly believe that the energy we give off attracts certain people into our lives. People respond to what they sense from us. Lately, it seems like I've been attracting as well as gravitating towards naturally calm people who are lost themselves but have life experiences I can't even possibly imagine.

I've always been a dynamic and diverse person, as well as paradoxical. So I attract different types of people, and they lead diverse lives that I could never pursue. But I'm still exposed to it. I'm a giver and taker. I can't do one without the other. It's very much an altruistic process.

People come to me to seek insights whether it's subconscious or otherwise. I truly feel that I help them, which surprises me sometimes. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I can't seem to help myself because I don't channel myself in ways I do when I help my friends. I have the ability to simplify things, even though I never seem to incorporate it into my own life, and that's what allows me to give my friends clarity. By helping them, I'm discovering ways to help myself. It didn't begin that way. I wasn't searching for it, but that's what I've realized.

They’re right. I have to get the voices out of my head. I want to go to the mountains, to go hiking, to get away, get a different perspective. That's never been my world before, so I'm not exactly sure where to start. Any recommendations? Thanks for reading!

Our Paths in Life

I believe that we're all meant to be somewhere at any given time. But I also firmly believe that we don't always go where we're supposed to. However, every action has a consequence. You may have taken the wrong path when you began that road. But by taking that road, you've changed the course. Now you're meant to be on the new path. The hardest part about this is leaving the past behind you, accepting that you'll never know what could've been, that in life you'll be plagued with unfinished realities. Sometimes all you can do is look to the future and leave the past behind you if you ever expect to move forward. But how the Hell do you do that?