I Don't Want to Crash

Just recently, on Thursday, I got incredibly sick. Fortunately, I recovered quickly, but I got incredibly sick. I had sun poison, allergies, a fever, nerve pain, and an ocular migraine all rolled into one. I just had a conversation with my friend who told me to be careful and slow down because I don't want to crash. Everything's just been weighing down on me, and I guess the stress finally hit me. I bounced back quickly, but I'm a lot more sluggish now.

I've always considered myself a good person, but I've began evolving. I'm less self-involved now, even though I have a lot more to work on. I'm able to help the people around me, and it's an amazing feeling. It's a reflection of who I am, the fact that people come to me to open up and seek advice. It's me who helps them, so they return. I love that feeling, knowing that I've helped them, knowing that I can help them. But lately I feel like as I help others, a part of me dies.

I bring the people around me closer to their goals, their dreams, and that's amazing. But it seems like I can help everyone around me except myself. Why is that? How does that work? How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I do help myself when I help others. It's altruistically satisfying, but I feel like I don't have any me moments or me successes.

I started living and working in an environment that require me to help others. It sort of took form in me. I'm so busy doing that that I have no time for anything else. I hate it when I hear people say that they have no time to clean or crap like that. If you don't have time, make time! It's not that I don't have time, but I have no interest in making my goals and dreams a reality anymore. I invest so much energy into others that I'm exhausted, which is ironic with this move coming up. I have friends who are putting in the effort to help me out, and all I can do is trip out because I'm not feeling self-fulfilled.

I got evicted. Money issues are arising. School is a constant conflict in my life. I'm emotionally-drained and numb from feeling everything. I feel overworked and dead inside. I recently had a good talk with my friend who had this heartfelt message for me. He was seriously concerned about me and reminded me that I don't want to crash. I have to find a way to calm down and stress less because I'm going to get sick, look weak, and feel defeated. Just being exposed to it, he knows that I don't want to live that life. I'm living a lot closer to it than I realize is what I'm sensing from the talk I had with him. He doesn't want that for me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't want that for me more than I do, and it's my life. This should be way more important to me than in him, but I can't help it! I'm too tired. But that's the point. I have to change my life around, so I will care. After all, I don't want to crash.