Being a Pretty Girl

I actually feel uncomfortable with that title. It's weird. I do feel like I'm a pretty girl. But I feel uncomfortable admitting it to myself and especially writing it out. I'll express my feelings on paper without difficulty, but the idea of thinking that I'm attractive makes me feel inadequate and guilty. Don't nobody better comment that I'm ugly cuz I'm not in the fucking mood! I don't usually give a fuck about what people think, but if someone says that I'm ugly, I take it personally. It's not because their opinion matters to me, but it's because it almost confirms what my paranoia tells me. It's myself that I'm afraid of.

I don't know why I let something so trivial and vain get to me. It doesn't make sense. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So who cares what others think? Even more so, I do actually think I'm pretty. I just need to feel comfortable with how I feel. I mean, seriously, because I look at other girls who aren't as attractive as me and know they're pretty. I also know that if I was someone else and saw me I would think I'm pretty. So, why do I feel so guilty about how I feel? Isn't it good to feel attractive? I mean even if you aren't, it's a healthy position to have.

Most of my life no one thought I was pretty. I had a haircut that made people think I was a boy. Even after that, people used to cap on me. My mom used to actually take offense when people said I looked like her because she finds herself to be so much hotter. I hate to admit it, but it's true. These thoughts are so stupid and petty that I hate admitting it, but it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel. I'm starting to realize that it's important that I'm aware and accept how I feel no matter what. I need to be honest with myself.

I've finally reached a point in my point where people consider me attractive and respond to me differently as a result. I'm still self-conscious as Hell, but I conceal it now. I fake it when I smile, talk, and carry myself in a way confident people do. I think that makes people respond differently towards me. I attract a different kind of energy. For the first time in years, I'm actually attracting people. It's amazing and trippy to me.

Attraction has such a powerful effect. It makes people respond differently. I have the power to make people feel threatened by my presence. No wonder I've been so affected by it. It's frustrating. When I was younger, people tormented me because I wasn't pretty. Now that I'm older I feel like I'm being punished because I am. It's made me realize that it doesn't matter how I look. My life would suck one way or another, but how it would suck just depends. So I am might as well feel good about myself.

Lately people have found me attractive and hit on me. I have more estranged friendships than I'd like to admit because their girlfriends don't like me because I'm pretty. I feel like being myself makes people dislike me. My friend, Mike, just had this talk with me after hearing me rant about how upset I am by the pre-judgments people have of me. He told me that being an attractive, petite girl is going to make people respond to me differently. Why does it have to feel like a curse?

I'm treated differently. I was rushing to get on the bus, but I wanted to buy my ticket first. The driver waited for me, and I was so grateful. A woman smiled and said, "Just cuz you're pretty?" I found it insulting and condescending, but I wonder how much truth there was to that. Regardless I think that woman was a bitter bitch for unnecessarily running her mouth. What point did that serve? I do get discounts at farmer's markets, too.

I've always been judged for how I look. I'm small, so people see me as an easy target. Too many people have made the mistake of trying to jump me. Too many people think they can just push me over when the truth is I'm the last bitch anyone should be messing with! I was seen as insiginificant and unthreatening, even less important, because I'm a girl at the taco truck today.

People were standing in line, and some guys let this big dude cut in front of them because he looked buff. I was about to start running my mouth when another girl spoke her mind about the very concerns I had but with more eloquence and calmness than I could've conveyed. She and I didn't find it acceptable that we're getting cut because we're not a guy, as though we aren't worth it. WTF? So I guess what I'm saying is that there are consequences to being a pretty girl....