The Lessons of Unemployment

While I do believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I've been left wondering why some of my recent experiences have occurred. What purpose could they have possibly served? It seemed like it only happened to screw me over, and I just didn't believe that that's why it happened. Come to think of it, in the old days, I would've deduced that I deserved it for karmic purposes. I can't believe I didn't even consider that possibility. For the first time in my life when I started questioning things, I stopped approaching it from a disconnected way and began taking an introverted perspective. Since then I started questioning the notion that there's a reason for everything because it stopped being a karmic system, and it became more obscure. I felt like it was personal, the reasons for why all these seemingly unfair and life-changing events rapidly occurred. But if you think that, then it's only natural to be discomforted by the possibility. Yet I didn't think it was a karmic consequence. So what was it? When I couldn't find the answer, I began wondering if one actually existed. For most of my life I've been so used to finding the answer I've been seeking that this is new territory. I have to learn to trust myself and trust that reasons do exist even if I don't know what they are. I shouldn't seek empty comfort by replacing my constant insecurities through some form of wishy-washy explanation.

I believe that every little thing that happens is required to achieve something specific, and I think that's what working at the salon was - birth pains. I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be, and working at the salon was just another process. It's a dynamic lesson - losing myself to discover myself, to realize that my identity isn't as strong and intact as I once believed which is both a blessing and a curse, I have faults that others have that I thought never existed in me, I have more flexible range than I ever thought possible, panic can be eliminated from my life if I want it bad enough, uncertainty isn't always frightening, being someone I'm not will help me appreciate who I am, I have to appreciate who I am to have confidence in myself, there's a difference between the logical choice and the right choice, and so much more!

Being unemployed with rent to worry about is a disastrous combination for me - the old me, that is. Panic attacks, overdose of meds, over compulsion, gross skin, stress, panic, fear, emotional overload, single-mindedness, logical extreme, addictive personality manifesting into every aspect of my life, obsession, panic, repeat. Eventually my body broke down and couldn't afford to panic the way it used to. That's when I realized this lesson - "Uncertainty is a part of life." But you can release yourself from the clutch of fear." I always accepted and feared that uncertainty is a part of life, which is why I did everything I possibly could to have a backup for anything that can possibly go wrong. I didn't think I was jinxing myself, and I believe that it's important to prepare yourself. But I took it to an unhealthy extreme. I didn't take precautionary measures as a way to ease my insecurities so that I can live my life to the fullest in the here and now; it was an obsession of mine.

It's good that I prepared myself, but I never wanted to resort to using it. Even when it got to the point that I had to, I did everything I could to not have to tap into that like not eating. It was insane! I'm starting to understand the function and priority that preparation should have. I have to accept that unpredictable, unexpected, feared things occur in life but that's okay. This is a huge thing that I get that. For the longest, I kept having panic attacks, but I didn't really understand why. I was just going through the motions. I hate taking meds because I don't want to have to rely on anything. I like to have them around for security purposes but never use them. I told myself that I didn't deserve to use them because it makes no sense that I need them. And I was right. Once I accepted my situation for what it truly is, things calmed down for me a little. Even though things were exactly the same, I was different. It's amazing how life-changing awareness can be. I would've never learned this if I didn't get fired.

Now that I have a lot of time on my hands, I'm really starting to listen to myself. I'm not just mindlessly doing things to ease an underlying insecurity that I'm unaware of. I'm actually able to uncover and address the source of my manifested coping mechanisms. There were all these things I've always wanted but never worked towards gaining, not really. I didn't even know what I really wanted. I just went through the motions. Everything was so stressful that the last thing I did was surface the courage to face my insecurities.

I realized that my OCD is a lot unhealthier than I first perceived it to be. It's so much subtler than other peoples' that I thought I was fine until someone tried to reduce it from my life. I couldn't even think straight when my necklace was removed because it matched my outfit, and I "needed" it. How crazy is that? It kept interfering, so someone took it off of me. Such a small thing shouldn't have consumed me the way it did.

My compulsive habits stopped being as comforting as it once was, which I hated. I resented my friend for presenting the ugly side to my OCD because my support system, as faulty as it was, failed me. How else am I supposed to deal with life's stresses? Apparently by dealing with life's stresses. I always thought I dealt with them. But, no, they were imposed on me, and I had nowhere to hide. So I handled it. That's not the same thing.

When I couldn't distract and ease myself from everything that was bothering me, I couldn't hide from everything that was bothering me - weak stress management, unexpected and unpredictable life occurrences, etc. Unemployment forced me to deal with everything I push back into my mind. I scheduled my classes around work, so I have A LOT of time on my hands. I realized how unsatisfying my unbalanced life is.

Now that I don't have income, I can't afford to maintain my compulsive habits. I spent $50 in a single week on washing cleaning rags! I can't afford that anymore. The definition of insane is to do the same thing over and over again and hope for a different outcome. I kept cleaning, hoping that it would stay clean this time for longer than a day, that it would calm me. But I just became redundant, illogical, and extreme. When I realized that (thanks to Erik's insights), I decided to try nothing. For the first time in my life, I've worked my ass off on sitting still because everything I do has an underlying compulsive excessiveness - my extensive writing, cooking in bulk, cleaning, exercising, anything I do. I've been unemployed for a while now that even though I stress, I have evidence that everything is still okay.

I've shown myself that I can do this, but I've also found the time to discover who I really am, how it affects me, how I want to change, and explore what I really want. I've always wanted to be more creative. When I'm not distracted with other superficial stuff in my life, this absence really gnaws at me. I want creativity more than anything in my life right now (well that and peace of mind, self-confidence, and happiness). Writing is my only link to creativity. In fact, until I got fired, I lost my passion for writing because I lacked passion. I want to go in-depth about my creative desires, but I've decided to create another entry for that. My point is having all this time made me realize how much I really want to be creative. I've always talked about it, but I've never really felt the surge of desire within me until now.

I also want to have more confidence. A lot of people think I have this strong sense of personality. BoBo thinks it makes me the thick-skinned bitch I am, but what she and others (including myself sometimes) fails to realize is that it's just an exterior that conceals my weaknesses. I'm realizing that more and more now. I'm starting to understand what EriK meant when he said that it's all bullshit. "I portray this strong personality, but he knows me." So true.

I also want to be happy. I mean, really be happy. Okay, so, I've never been the sunshine girl, and I'm moodier more than anything. But I've never been just happy. I don't think I'll ever be fully. My friend, Mike, and I were talking about this recently. He said that he doesn't think he can ever achieve true happiness because that would mean that all desires are achieved. There's just too much to learn and discover that it's impossible to reach all that. I agree, but I believe I can come closer to it than I am. The reason why I say I'm not happy is because I've never experienced even for a single second, a moment where I didn't feel bad in some way or another. There's always been some concern, fear, insecurity, or doubt that's present. Just once I'd like to be able to smile and not have some concern floating in the back of my mind.

My friend told me one day that I'm not happy because I don't realize my worth. He compared me to this sweet girl who lives her life to the fullest. He said, "Look at this girl. She isn't pretty and people make fun of her because she's eccentric, but she lives life to the fullest. You're pretty, you're smart, you have friends, but you don't live life to the fullest. You have no reason to be unhappy." So why am I like this?

Even though I feel like I've known all of this stuff before, I never fully absorbed it all until now. This is my lesson of unemployment, to focus on me. Even if you see aspects of a big picture and you connect everything little piece together in your mind, it's not the same as seeing the whole picture in its entirety. It's also not the same thing if you glance at it, rather than concentrating on it fully, let the image bleed into one another and change shape and form like how we are. Life has more to offer me than just financial security if I open my eyes wide enough to see that.

Here's a new lesson - there's a difference between the logical choice and the right choice. Not every right choice is logical. "Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment." That's what I'm realizing. I perceive financial security as a higher value than it should be. I only get what I consider essentials, and then I'm bummed out because I feel deprived. I never allow myself to indulge and appreciate the smaller stuff. I'm looking for a job now, but I'm not turning it into my life. I'm embracing what unemployment is offering me - a chance to discover and explore other aspects of life I don't otherwise have time for or the mindset to embrace.