I Don't Want to Crash

Just recently, on Thursday, I got incredibly sick. Fortunately, I recovered quickly, but I got incredibly sick. I had sun poison, allergies, a fever, nerve pain, and an ocular migraine all rolled into one. I just had a conversation with my friend who told me to be careful and slow down because I don't want to crash. Everything's just been weighing down on me, and I guess the stress finally hit me. I bounced back quickly, but I'm a lot more sluggish now.

I've always considered myself a good person, but I've began evolving. I'm less self-involved now, even though I have a lot more to work on. I'm able to help the people around me, and it's an amazing feeling. It's a reflection of who I am, the fact that people come to me to open up and seek advice. It's me who helps them, so they return. I love that feeling, knowing that I've helped them, knowing that I can help them. But lately I feel like as I help others, a part of me dies.

I bring the people around me closer to their goals, their dreams, and that's amazing. But it seems like I can help everyone around me except myself. Why is that? How does that work? How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I do help myself when I help others. It's altruistically satisfying, but I feel like I don't have any me moments or me successes.

I started living and working in an environment that require me to help others. It sort of took form in me. I'm so busy doing that that I have no time for anything else. I hate it when I hear people say that they have no time to clean or crap like that. If you don't have time, make time! It's not that I don't have time, but I have no interest in making my goals and dreams a reality anymore. I invest so much energy into others that I'm exhausted, which is ironic with this move coming up. I have friends who are putting in the effort to help me out, and all I can do is trip out because I'm not feeling self-fulfilled.

I got evicted. Money issues are arising. School is a constant conflict in my life. I'm emotionally-drained and numb from feeling everything. I feel overworked and dead inside. I recently had a good talk with my friend who had this heartfelt message for me. He was seriously concerned about me and reminded me that I don't want to crash. I have to find a way to calm down and stress less because I'm going to get sick, look weak, and feel defeated. Just being exposed to it, he knows that I don't want to live that life. I'm living a lot closer to it than I realize is what I'm sensing from the talk I had with him. He doesn't want that for me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't want that for me more than I do, and it's my life. This should be way more important to me than in him, but I can't help it! I'm too tired. But that's the point. I have to change my life around, so I will care. After all, I don't want to crash.

The Friend Who Passed

So much for trying to search for him on facebook. There were too many results for his name and eventually I gave up on searching for him, which is out of my nature actually. I didn't even think about it. Something about dismissing it bothered me, but it was abrupt and quickly forgotten. I just found out that he died a few years ago from a rare liver or kidney cancer or disease. (God, I can't even remember the details, and I was just told). He died within two days of his diagnosis. And he died near my area. I wish I could've reconnected with him.

We both lived in San Francisco. I actually gave up my friendship with him because his girlfriend was insecure about how much time he was spending with me. I was going through a difficult time, and it was evident. He's observant and perceptive but also just aware and paying attention. Well, I guess I should be saying that he was. I can't even wrap my head around the reality that he's gone. I don't think I ever got over the fact that I withdrew from our friendship in general because he was the first person who went out of his way to make sure that I was okay, and he didn't even know me that well. He told me that even though we didn't know each other that well that I can talk to him if I need someone to talk to. My boyfriend, at the time, just broke up with me, and a breath of relief was opened sighed by the people closest to him.

There was a mixture of relief and resentment towards his decision. I was just the girl who was a part of it. I was the talk of high school. I felt out of place, lost, and upset about virtually every aspect of my life. And there he was looking out for me. In the midst of people who saw my life being torn apart as curiously fascinating, he was the only person who truly cared about me and not the drama that I carried. Sometimes it felt like my own friends weren't there for me, people who actually cared about me. They made time to make sure I was okay and checked in almost as though it were routine. He went after me and snuck away from hanging out with his friends to engage in something so clearly unpleasant, just to make sure that I was okay.

I know he could've been a friend for life. But after seeing him argue with his girlfriend, I just disappeared. Actually his girlfriend was doing the crying, and I didn't pity her for her insecurities. She was irrational, and he did a lot to comfort her, even when it wasn't necessary. But from talking to him, I knew how much he truly cared about her. It killed him to see her so upset. But so long as I was around and in pain, he would've endured the pain he felt seeing his girlfriend upset to make sure that I was okay. It's just in his nature.

I didn't put too much thought into it at the time because my life was hectic, and I didn't want to get pissed off about it. It was the first time I willingly gave up a friendship for an irrational girlfriend's insecurity. I didn't want to waste my energy resenting her at a point in my life when I was stretched out so thin hating and resenting so many other people. I didn't want to think about the reality that I gave up a friendship that could've very well lasted a lifetime if he were alive that is.

I didn't even think about how much I would miss him or miss out on until I started using facebook actively. Too many of my friends girlfriends are insecure by my presence, and it's been bugging the crap out of me. I spent most of my life feeling insecure about myself, not feeling attractive or adequate. I've finally started feeling more confident about myself, and I felt like I couldn't even enjoy it because my friend's girlfriends hated my presence.

My friend told me that they'll always react differently around me because I'm a pretty girl. For the first time when someone's told me that I believed it, and I couldn't even enjoy the compliment because of the context. I don't want to feel guilty about it. I don't want to feel guilty about being attractive. I don't want to feel guilty for the friendships that I develop. I don't want to feel guilty for who I am. These are reasons that these girls hate me - I'm pretty, and I'm close with their boyfriends because of who I am. They consider me to be one of the guys. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing to feel guilty about that.

Recently I've been really scarred by the reality that these girls hate me because I think I can be a fucked up person. Some people perceive my honesty and bluntness as being completely fucked up. I struggle with the reality that people don't accept me for who I am, even though they're amazing people that I would love to have in my life. I hate seeing my friends conflicted and emotionally burdened because of my presence. I hate experiencing it. I hated so much when my friend actually told me that he can't hang out with me out of respect for his girlfriend. That basically told me that his girlfriend is more important to him than me, and I'm basically discriminated out of his circle of friends because of my gender! I pretty much had to accept that he's not the friend I believed he was.

Hating him doesn't make it easier. I have other friends who have actually defended me to their girlfriends. I feel awful because I get relieved when I discover that they've ended things with their girlfriends. Their relationship issues involving me no longer weigh on me. I get to see them more and hang out with them. I can see the relief in their faces. It makes me feel bad because I know they were happy on some level, but I feel how I feel.

I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about my friend who's passed lately. It's probably because he was the first friend who's girlfriend hated having me around. Every time I see the strain in my friend's eyes, I see him and what he went through. Not only was that the first relationship I saw struggle because of me, but it was the first friendship that I gave up because of it. Not all friends are made equal. Some will always mean more to you than others. It's a reality, and I always knew that he was someone who could've really touched my life. Lately I've been feeling like my friend's girlfriends have been stripping away my friendships, so it's made me resent his girlfriend. Now he's not even alive. The time to develop and deepen on friendship has passed because time escaped us. And he's gone

Emotional Writing

I feel like I only write when I'm emotionally-inspired to and by that I mean when I'm in some form of emotional state or another. That's why I could easily and effortlessly write in elementary school, middle school, high school, early adulthood, and on and off recently because it's only recently that I've experienced some form of emotional calamity. That's also around the same time I questioned my ability as a writer and if it'll be possible for me to pursue writing as a career because my writing was becoming stagnant. The point in my life where my writing should be at its prime, I was starting to dull. I think my writing mirrored what was going on in my life. As I became more emotionally-detached, I became separated from the writer within me. As my emotions started to surface, I was re-introduced to that side of me. I missed it, and I love the passion I get from writing. However, I want to channel it and harness it at will. I don't want to be a servant to my emotions, which is probably an error in my thinking. In order to have that emotional intensity which stirs my writing, I have to let it control me. But I'm worried that if, for whatever reason, my emotional state stales my writing that I'm totally screwed. If I can use writing as a way to express my emotions, I want to be able to manipulate that skill and become one with my emotions, to be able to write, to be able to feel. This means that even when I'm emotionally-detached, it's important to keep writing to flush the emotions out of me by digging inside because it's all there. It's just contained.

I'm Emo But I'm Okay

I can't say that I was never an emotional person, but I've always been emotionally-detached, too. I couldn't help the emotions that poured out of me, but I worked on disconnecting myself from it as much as possible. Lately I haven't been able to control my emotions at all. I feel what I feel at the greatest intensity until I overload and neutralize or I become emotionally-drained. It's bad and painful because emotions are powerful. It has an intoxicating and overwhelming effect. But it's also therapeutic and enlightening. I feel like I'm connected to everything around me now in ways I never have before. It's not like I'm not able to function. Sure, I needed five jobs to distract myself from him. That didn't work. So I'm working on facing my emotions as difficult as it is because it's the only way to deal with it. My feelings for him are more ingrained than I feel comfortable or even originally realized. I think that's dangerous, so I need to become aware of them. As a consequence, everything feels intense. But I really am okay. Thanks for your concern. But if it gets bad and I need someone to talk to, it's nice to know that I can count on you (not that I didn't already know).

Channeling What I Have

I think my friend described me perfectly. "I think incessant thoughts are a sign of higher intelligence but unchanneled it can drive you nuts!" It's so obvious, yet profound. People seem to be endlessly fascinated by how my mind works. It has such a dynamic range and an even more dynamic consequence. My math professor told me that I'm UC material, but I'd be smarter if I thought less. Most professors tell me that the best advice they can give me is to think less. My friend, AJ, told me that I have a drug addict's mentality. Another told me that I'm not happy because my parents are in my head and that I need to get rid of those thoughts because the older I get it, the louder they become. It's true. My friends, who by the way don't have facebook (can you believe it?), told me that I'm meant to be an engineer. My friend seems to think that I'd be good at it but would get bored of it.

I feel like in many ways how my mind works has more range of opportunities than others but with it comes a greater range of insanity, too. I don't want that. I feel like I'm a powerful force, sometimes more intense than others. So I have to put extra effort and care to ground myself, something I rarely take the time to do. I think what I have is a blessing or a curse depending on how it's channeled. It can be abundantly positive or dangerously havoc with equal abandon. I want to work towards the beneficial direction.

I believe that there are two kinds of laid-back people - the ones who work on it (AJ and I'm hoping someday me) and the ones who possess it, but life always has challenges that'll weigh us down. There are also hybrids who naturally possess it but also possess the incessant thoughts that torment so many of us. I believe we all have tot put in the time and effort to keep ourselves grounded. Who else will do it? Life certainly won't. Life throws us the curve balls that give us the incentive to keep ourselves calm.

I've been this way for so long that I'm not even fully aware of how desperate I am for balance, but I'm becoming more aware of it. The universe senses it, too, because I truly believe that the energy we give off attracts certain people into our lives. People respond to what they sense from us. Lately, it seems like I've been attracting as well as gravitating towards naturally calm people who are lost themselves but have life experiences I can't even possibly imagine.

I've always been a dynamic and diverse person, as well as paradoxical. So I attract different types of people, and they lead diverse lives that I could never pursue. But I'm still exposed to it. I'm a giver and taker. I can't do one without the other. It's very much an altruistic process.

People come to me to seek insights whether it's subconscious or otherwise. I truly feel that I help them, which surprises me sometimes. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I can't seem to help myself because I don't channel myself in ways I do when I help my friends. I have the ability to simplify things, even though I never seem to incorporate it into my own life, and that's what allows me to give my friends clarity. By helping them, I'm discovering ways to help myself. It didn't begin that way. I wasn't searching for it, but that's what I've realized.

They’re right. I have to get the voices out of my head. I want to go to the mountains, to go hiking, to get away, get a different perspective. That's never been my world before, so I'm not exactly sure where to start. Any recommendations? Thanks for reading!

My Discombobulated Feelings

WHAT I BELIEVE:

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

HOW I AM/HOW I FEEL NOW:

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

I was terrified by what I was feeling for you.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

WHAT I'M DOING:

I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me.

HOW HE MUST'VE FELT:

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel; and remember what you deserve.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

WHAT I SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON BUT IGNORED...

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE:

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

WHAT I'M AFRAID OF:

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us?

Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I NEED TO ACCEPT AND LEARN (things I'm trying to come to grips with):

Don’t worry about the people in your past because they aren’t in your future for a reason.

Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be. You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, have no regrets, and forget the bad in the past. Just remember what all it has taught you.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

LASTLY....

Bob Marley's lesson on love...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you the part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

Fake it Til Then

"I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me." Do I want to lie? Of course not. But what else is there to do? I'm not going to cry about how it turned out, about what didn't happen, or dwell about what could've been. I have two choices. Let it all out, which is probably more therapeutic but runs the risk of turning into a perpetual cycle. Plus, I have an addictive personality. I don't want to be in pain. So why would I intentionally expose myself to it? It's not like socializing and just hanging out with my friends mean that I'm suppressing the truth. I'm just not focusing on it. Why become a depressed burden? I figured fake it til then...but guess what? Fail...epic fail!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to feel it, but I do. I don't want to become a depressed burden, but that's the natural coarse. Suppression, apparently, comes in many forms. Faking it til then doesn't work. If you lie to yourself long enough, even though you'll never truly believe it, your brain gets wired all wonky with these mixed signals of being "okay" with conflict thoughts and feelings. So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

My Past Still Haunts Me

There was a girl who incapacitated my growth in security and self-confidence because I let her. There were other girls there, too, and she isn't even the only one. But I was most affected by her for a number of factors that I frankly don't want to elaborate on. She put effort into making me feel inferior and inadequate, but she also in a perverse way respected me. I knew that because she totally saved my ass when I got jumped, and she had nothing to gain from helping me out. She wanted my life, my boyfriend, and my friends, but she never talked about it. So it wasn't to gain the upper hand. I was always so conflicted about her because her ability to be such a malicious person was equaled by her compassion. I can honestly say that she is a better person than me, but being fucked up is a part of her identity. I'm not fucked up. Well, not like her, anyways.

I don't feel happy that she's suffering, but I do experience a sense of relief, to know that she pains like the rest of us. She's so attractive and has resources I could never imagine. It was easy to feel so insignificant around her. I envied her because I thought she was immune to things that plague me. I feel for her when I see that she's suffering. It's twisted that I feel better about myself when I know this. I found her to be so intangible, and it's humbling to know that I can relate to someone so fierce.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison

Rebound Dating

I was telling a friend of mine about what happened with the last guy I was with and how it didn't work out. She suggested that I start dating again, which seemed like such an out of place advice coming from her. Everyone warns everyone to never take her advice on love. When I told the guy I was with something in relation to her (and he's only met her once, although he can read people), he became so serious and told me to never take her advice on relationships. She practically comes with a warning label! But it makes me wonder if this time her advice is sage because it sounds so different from her usual insights. It was advice that sounded so much like hers that made it inadvisable.

To a certain extent I discarded her advice while considering it for more time than I would've entertained in the past. Rebound dates aren't my thing. I was coerced into it once. I went out with a guy named Eric for years, and my rebound date's name was Derek. I didn't say the wrong name because I wasn't over Eric; it was out of habit. Mind you, of course, that was a nightmare waiting to happen. But the idea of using someone else to relieve my emotional torment about someone who is no longer in my life seems cruel and insensitive. I just can't do it.

More importantly, I've recently realized how unsuccessful implementing distraction is. It doesn't work. I had five jobs and attempted a social life. I'm still not over him. I've always struggled painfully getting over relationships, while I saw people around me moving on more quickly through rebound dating. I still, nonetheless, stayed away from it. It's because that's the right thing for me. I've had to learn to accept that sometimes the right thing for me requires me to go through more agony and pain than others do. But it is what it is.

Rebound dating is not for me. I wouldn't only feel right about it, which means that I wouldn't benefit from it. But I'm also too insecure about it. I would worry about how it would karmically effect me. Plus I could never allow a rebound date to become serious even if it can be. I'm trying to break my cycle of self-sabotaged relationships. On the flip side, if nothing can come of it, I would think it's a waste of time. I am glad that I considered it, though, because it makes me feel like I understand myself better now.

Rebound dating would essentially be another form of what I normally do, distract myself instead of dealing with what's in front of me. It'll be painful, but I never seem to be able to escape anything anyways. I might as well face it. Besides, I don't know myself. My friend, Erik, once told me that he knows I present this strong sense of self, but he also knows that it's bullshit. At first I took offense until I realized that it was true. I don't know myself because I'm so emotionally-disconnected. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate that cycle, which means I have to deal with how I feel. The only way I'm going to get a handle on things is by feeling everything so that I can deal with it no matter how long the recovery time is.

I realized that by distracting myself it makes it a little easier until my feelings and emotions surface, which it inevitably will. Since so much was doormat, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'd rather not have a shock trauma. I can't discover who I am if I'm hiding a part of myself. I can't move on if I'm lying to myself. I can't discover who I am if I do something that isn't authentic to me.

But I really appreciate what my friend told me in ways I could never express. It made me put considerable thought into what she said. I may not have ultimately taken her advice, but I like the brainstorm that came out of it. I like that I have the ability to think dynamically about these things. Initially, I thought it was insensitive to suggest rebound dating because it would totally screw the other person over. I didn't tell it to her like that because I didn't think about it at the time. I was just surprised that it came out of her mouth. She said, "Well if it makes you feel better...."

I really liked that. Sometimes being a friend means wanting the best for them even if it’s not the best for others. Life is all about choices. What we want is always going to upset someone somewhere, so our priorities should be ourselves. It's not meant to be insensitive to others, but it's reality. It's likely that someone will be bothered especially if it involves me because I'm very headstrong. She showed me that what's most important to her is me. I really appreciate that. It wasn't long ago that I would've only looked at the big picture. That's such a robotic, inhuman approach. I feel differently now.

Why It's So Hard to Accept

What makes letting him go so difficult is the very true reality that if I didn't deliberately sabotage what we had, it could've worked. I mean really worked. I've never felt such fear and certainty about a single source. In the past I would require clarification because I truly didn't trust people, but this time around, I needed clarification because I wanted to make sure that the floating sense that was trust was appropriate as if it can be defined in that sort of way. I've never looked within myself before. I always sought external sources, and I was doing that again, but he was trying to teach me to trust myself. Instead of realizing that he was trying to lead me to myself, I took his obscurity as a deliberate technique to absolve any responsibility. I totally ignored the reality that as my friend, he wouldn't betray me like that.

I've never looked within myself, let alone trusted myself. When I was exposed to it (myself), I saw and felt that I do have the ability to uncover the mysteries I seek in others to provide me with. But I was afraid of the idea of being accountable for them. If others lied to me, it's their fault. If I believe the wrong thing, I would be forced to transfer the same treatment onto others on myself, basically blame myself. That logic is severely flawed and one I want to explore at a later time.

My point is that my fear to trust myself stopped me from embracing the relationship for what it was. I prepared myself as though I was wrong already but took it out on him, as though he did something wrong. He put a lot of effort into opening up to me, something he rarely does. He shared with me things that he didn't share with others and because it seemed clique, I accused him of being dishonest. It was so unfair to him; I was unfair to him. The more he tried to help me, the more I attacked him. I pushed and pushed until the thread broke.

I kept focusing on all the things that made us different, that makes couples incompatible, while failing to realize how much we had in common. Even the things that separate us made us closer. The things that usually break relationships because of their differences were factors that weren't really at play for us. They were so superficial.

For the first time, I felt what someone felt for me. It was intense and sincere in ways I could've never imagined. I can't believe I thought that I didn't matter to him considering all of that. But it makes me wonder how much I really meant to him if we can't even be friends. Then again, maybe that's why we can't be friends because the feelings are still there. If the feelings are still there, it makes me wonder how much is repairable. It's incredible how powerful my words can be. I know that I'm an influential person, but I think I fail to realize the impact I can have because I don't have the same experience. So I couldn't know. It kills me to think that I was the one who made him feel that way about me and equally lose interest in me. I keep thinking that if I had it in me to attract him, I could do it again. But that's not the point is it? And this is all assuming that it's true.

I just wanted to get it off of my chest that it's hard to accept because I know how much he felt for me. Does something like that just disappear? If it does, how significant was I to him? If it doesn't, then is there hope? The problem with this mentality is that I run in circles and never complete the thought. At the end it doesn't matter. Yes, I feel awful. But I'm doing the same thing now. I'm not actually expressing what I feel. I can change how I feel about him about as much as I can change the circumstance. It is what it is. More importantly, it is not what it is not.

Emotions Outside of my Realm

I feel like I'm not feeling what I should feel because I'm protected from it by an invisible bubble. It's the best analogy I can come up with. I feel a hint of mild depression and weakening resistance. I know it's coming from me, but it feels external. It's weird. Maybe my subconscious is trying to protect me from the overwhelming emotions I would be exposed to by sheltering me from it. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I want to be aware of it because so many of my personal issues are more ingrained in me than I've originally realized. It may sometimes be apparent to others, but it isn't to me. I may have felt it at one point, but it becomes like background noise. Something I should be aware of just becomes something I learn to ignore or cope with when I shouldn't. So I want to not necessarily focus on these feelings but be aware that they're there.

I Feel How I Feel

Why is it easier on some days? What triggers these feelings? How come sometimes I feel fine and in an instant, I get bummed out. I don't understand how this works. I know I'm not over him, which makes no sense to me. But I'm starting to think that it's not meant to. I've exhausted myself trying to over-analyze that with excruciating abandon. I've finally accepted that I don't understand it. Every so often I return to my over-thinking nature out of habit and sometimes as an escape mechanism, but deep down I'm starting to realize that the hidden answer, assuming it even exists, doesn't really matter. I just have to reach a point where I fully accept that. I'm making progress, though. That's something. I'm trapped in a parallel unsure how to proceed. For a while I did dive into a bunch of things, overworking, over-socializing, sleep-deprivation, all as a way to feel less. I'm no longer doing that, and I'm able to function. I don't try to not think about him. So sometimes I forget how much I'm not over him. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me, but I suppose I should be grateful. I don't think I can handle being aware all the time. But I don't get it. If I can go without thinking about him and being okay, then why am I not over him? If I'm not over him, how come I feel fine? I don't want to return to being emotionally insane, but at least that made sense. I guess I need to work on accepting how I feel. After all, I feel how I feel.