Just the Outer Shell

I talk to her. I see her. I hear her. She looks like her. But I don't see any signs of my friend. I'm not surprised, though. It looks like, from an outsider's point of view, she's losing all sense of herself. It's like she doesn't know who she is anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she ever did. She just keeps conforming into what others want to see in her. They don't see her for who she is or was, whatever that may be, that they don't appreciate her. So they continue to influence and change her. Although it's not fair to blame them entirely. If others are successful in manipulating her, she has to bear some responsibility for her susceptibility. That's the burden of being an adult. Mentally, though, she's a pouty child. I knew her before her teenage years when she still had an accent from her native language. It's a little late now to be behaving this way. Everyone's entitled to go through a bitch phase. It's the complaints, criticisms, and everything that comes with that that helps you define who you are. I guess it's better late than never, but she's not being productive. It's like she occupies her time complaining so that she doesn't have to face the world she's chosen to live in. This isn't who I became friends with. This isn't who I remember. People change. But are these natural changes that occur in everyone, or is she an entirely different person? I used to relate to her. I used to enjoy her company. We used to have the same perspective, communication skills, and mindset. Now, she's completely unidentifiable. Sometimes, I see people as reminders of what I don't want to become. I hate to admit it, but she's become one of those people. I lost a friend like that in middle school. She was athletic, intelligent, articulate, strong, and full of potential. Now, she's homeless, fucking guys who own convenience stores to stay alive so that she can sustain her crack habit. She's not this far gone, but I don't like seeing my friends as reminders of what I don't want to become because that's a sign of failure.

Imagined Problems

What causes a person to disconnect completely or so significantly to the point of destruction or the confinement of failure? Okay, so, I’m familiar with the answer for the second part of the question. Sometimes you can feel driven to it. The details to my personal experience I’ll leave out. But I’m still lost on how someone can fabricate and manifest delusional realities to exacerbate an unhappy situation. In extreme cases, there are psychological cycles that are responsible for unfavorable behavioral tendencies. But when it appears to randomly surface in a seemingly rational person who’s problems arise and disappear almost according to convenience, it’s degrading. Sometimes what seems like trivial concerns may be of immense burden to others, but sometimes I find that even in the most unlikely sources, people will resort to falsified medical claims as a desperate attempt to change the circumstance selfishly, rather than face the difficulties in front of them. It saddens me when someone I care for and loves uses such a weak approach, because it poisons that person. And seeing it from someone who I thought I was so connected with and similar to frightens and shocks me. What made this person become like that? How much does this person know on a conscious level? Sometimes, it’s easier for me to believe that it’s all a twisted, manipulative tactic. It disgraceful, but at least then it would be an entirely conscious act. And to a point, I think it is. But I also believe that while this may have began . . . as for the lack of a better word, game, it morphed into a psychologically deranged mentality that’s corrupted her ability to distinguish reality from fiction.

A Great Phone Call

I just had a fantastic conversation with my friend. It was nothing special, but it’s been a while. And today didn’t begin very well. I’ve been feeling a little neglected by my friends and isolated from the outside world. A bunch of us had plans to go out early this morning, and the plans were made yesterday. It was fresh in everyone’s mind, and yet nothing happened…until after 2 PM when a bunch of calls rolled in to verify that I’ve been flaked on. Thanks for the confirmation, I guess. It was nothing personal, and I know that, but it’s been raining. My knees have been acting up, and the only wearable shoes I own right now are knee high boots. Factor that in with my lack of funds, and I’m basically stuck home. It wasn’t all bad. I got to catch up on a lot of reading, bake cookies, and educate myself on Reno’s Privacy Act and compare it to California’s. The last one is rather extensive and an ongoing process. Plus I know virtually zero about the law, which makes it kind of a challenge that I like. I just wish I had the choice to stay home, not have my circumstances dictate my plans. I really was planning to call my friend, but I made an excuse about how I need to charge my cell phone. I could have just as easily used my house phone, but I didn’t. I love her, but, lately, her self-defeatist attitude has been making me feel like I need to undergo a spiritual cleansing after each conversation with her. I want to help her, and that’s why I was making an effort. But I wasn’t helping. I don’t want her living life believing that she has no say. But I think she was also desperate to be told that she was right, that something, anything, she had to say was worth listening to, intelligent, and important. I want her to feel that way about herself without seeking for other peoples’ approval. And I want to help her, but not at the expense of passively supporting her demented views. Her deep-seated bleakness and my hardcore stubbornness has been a bad batch lately. Today was different. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve seen her number on my caller ID, let alone a great conversation. So it was nice.