I Feel How I Feel

Why is it easier on some days? What triggers these feelings? How come sometimes I feel fine and in an instant, I get bummed out. I don't understand how this works. I know I'm not over him, which makes no sense to me. But I'm starting to think that it's not meant to. I've exhausted myself trying to over-analyze that with excruciating abandon. I've finally accepted that I don't understand it. Every so often I return to my over-thinking nature out of habit and sometimes as an escape mechanism, but deep down I'm starting to realize that the hidden answer, assuming it even exists, doesn't really matter. I just have to reach a point where I fully accept that. I'm making progress, though. That's something. I'm trapped in a parallel unsure how to proceed. For a while I did dive into a bunch of things, overworking, over-socializing, sleep-deprivation, all as a way to feel less. I'm no longer doing that, and I'm able to function. I don't try to not think about him. So sometimes I forget how much I'm not over him. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me, but I suppose I should be grateful. I don't think I can handle being aware all the time. But I don't get it. If I can go without thinking about him and being okay, then why am I not over him? If I'm not over him, how come I feel fine? I don't want to return to being emotionally insane, but at least that made sense. I guess I need to work on accepting how I feel. After all, I feel how I feel.