Be True to Me, So I Can Be True to Others

I'm disgraced to admit that I've allowed my selfishness and fear of being left alone interfere with my duties as a friend and my usual nature. I'm an honest, upfront, and direct person. This made maintaining friendships a challenge when I was younger, but now I've come to appreciate who I am without guilt because I surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. This saying conveys my identity beautifully:

Sometimes the truth hurts. But I'd rather be the one to tell you the truth then to tell you lies.

or

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

I've actually lost friends on a number of accounts for telling truths they weren't ready to hear such as a betrayal of a lover or revealing that their new honey raped someone I knew. I knew and accepted the possibility, sometimes I even anticipated, that what I'm about to say can end my friendships with them. But I was willing to risk faulty friendships and good times to keep my friends safe and embrace who I am for the right reasons. When negative consequences occurred, I still knew it was the right thing to do. I've finally reached a chapter in my life where I can embrace who I am because it's a great way to filter out people who aren't worth my time, I found myself hesitating and withholding my opinions, a dangerous choice and completely out of nature to who I am.

Living alone doesn't seem as lonely as I once suspected it to be because I have the presence and support of my friends. I was afraid of losing that, so I withheld information for my own selfish purposes and risked my friend. My close friend was dating a guy who made me really uneasy. I was really conflicted about him because he has a duplicate personality fusion hybrid thing going on. Most people who are as distasteful and vile as him don't have the capability and consideration to show the kind of respect he exercised. It confused me. I didn't used to allow this confusion to interfere with expressing my concerns. I'm not trying to remove any potential responsibility on my friend's poor judgment or her asshole ex-boyfriend, but I hate how I compromised my identity for my own selfish gain. I can't understand why now that I have friends who accept me for who I really am that I pretend to be someone I'm not.

I thought I made progress. I believe I'm a good person, but I wasn't the most considerate and selfless I can be. I've recently started to sacrifice my interests for others and put others before me. I was against it in the past because I really wanted what I wanted. I felt deprived my entire life, and I hate settling. But I've realized that doing something for others before me wasn't difficult and had its own reward. Not only did it teach me that I can do it with ease, but I practice not living with everything I want and deal with it successfully. So I was really disappointed by my action or lack of.

My friend's boyfriend used to unhook womens' bras as he walked by. Such obnoxious behavior, but it's also distasteful and crossing the line. You may not be raping her, but you're still crossing the line. He would shoot blanks at cars that took too long to respond to a green light. If someone cut him off on the road, he'd follow them and slash their cars with a weapon he proudly displays. I do believe that everyone makes mistakes, and that's not necessarily reason enough to not give them a second chance. But once you've crossed the line, it's easy to cross it again. That's not the kind of exposure I think my friend should have. She's not that kind of person. I guess we're both doing things that are unlike us.