It Was One of Those Days

I meant to blog about this a few days ago when the feelings were fresh, but I really wasn't up for it. It was just one of those days when you feel so alone, so lost, so inadequate, so unimportant, and disposable. It wasn't triggered by an event or lack of. It's just an unavoidable feeling I face from time to time that I have to overcome. What I have to remember during those times is that the feelings pass. During the second day of a major heat increase, I got a fever. So that prompted a lazy mood. I ignored the dishes that were accumulating. When I felt better, rather than responsibly cleaning, I continued to neglect my tasks. So I forced myself to go outside as a way to re-energize. Unfortunately, it had an opposite effect. Being surrounded by people who had places to go, things to do, a direction to follow, goals to achieve, made me feel out of place. I think these concerns were building inside of me for a couple of days, but it didn't surface until I faced the outside world. I think staying inside conceals these feelings because I don't have to deal with them. It's the contrast that brings it out of me, feeling like I don't have the sense of purpose others, I imagine, possess. I used to believe that I need the energy of others to keep me centered, but that's because I relied on it. That dependence influenced my outcome. I felt disconnected at the absence of close friends, and hanging out lifted my spirits. I still believe that I need the energy of other people. Everyone does. Recent changes has forced me to stop relying on others, though, and I've learned that I can function normally being isolated when I have to be. Ultimately, I'm unwilling to tolerate my weaknesses, so I eradicate them any way I can. I'm starting to realize why others see me as a strong individual. I didn't see myself as a strong person in the past because I was so intolerant. People who've experienced half my pain and trauma show more tolerance, which I mistakenly associated with resilience. While there is a correlation between the two, they aren't one in the same. Being intolerant doesn't make me weak. It makes me demanding. It means I have standards, and I don't tolerate anything less. Feeling inadequate doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. I used to think people thought I was strong because of what I had to endure, not an inner strength that existed within me. I've now realized that although it was forced upon me, the fact that I endured it means I have strength. That's what I'm doing now. Sometimes, I'm so paralyzed with pain, but I always move forward, even if it's in the dark.