Second Chances

I made a mistake, one that I honestly think I could quite possibly regret for the rest of my life. The idea of looking back years later, saddened by how badly I sabotaged things is depressing. I was never one to believe in second chances. I've always been ruthlessly critical. In fact, that was my demise in this relationship. But I finally get it. I used to think that people never deserved second chances, which is why I never gave them one. But the people who should be given second chances are rarely the ones that deserve it, which is why they should be offered that opportunity. I'm not saying that I deserve it. I can't make that call because it's not my place. But I am becoming more open-minded, aware, and compassionate. I feel bad that it required a self-invested interest for me to understand it. But rather than waste my energy feeling guilty, I'd rather learn from this lesson.

Live in the moment. I don't always have to explain myself. As desirable as it is at times, only by learning this lesson will I be comfortable in my own skin. So long as I explain myself to others when it's not necessary, regardless of my motives, it prevents me from being comfortable with myself. After all, how can I be comfortable in my own skin if I'm constantly defending myself? For someone who never cared about what other people think of me, I made a lot of effort to portray a certain image according to my standard. As it turns out, I'm not concerned with what people think of me. So, why is it that I've never been comfortable in my own skin? Because I'm overly concerned with what I think of myself to a ruthless standard. I never realized the damage and implication it has on the people I care about. I project this standard onto others. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was never aware of what I was doing.

I'm grateful for the lessons he's taught me in ways he'll never understand even if we were still in contact. He's taught me a lot about myself and about life. Here I thought that it was important that I go out with someone who lives on his own so that he can be at the same place I am in life because there are certain experiences you can only gain by being independent. As it turns out, I was the one who needed to gain experiences. I just wish I could've been able to discover all this without hurting him, without losing him. I understand that these things happen and is sometimes necessary, but I'm still saddened by it. I hope I get a second chance with him. At the very least, I hope there's a way for him to find out how I really feel about him.