Living in the Moment #2

He'll never know how much he did for me. As far as he knows, as far as he feels, I just hurt him, and I was never satisfied with who he is. I wish there was a way to let him, to show him how wrong I was, how wrong he is. Something I've struggled my entire life finally penetrated me within a one month period of being with him, the way he opened up to me.

I've always been in my head. I let my past weigh me down and my future interfere with my ability to enjoy the here and now. I never really realized it, though. I was too busy focusing on the future that that was my present. I never opened my eyes to what's really here now, ever...until now. For that I thank him. I heard people talk about the value of living in the moment, but I never saw the appeal because I never saw what the present offered until someone showed me. By embracing it, life is more enjoyable. It made me more aware and dynamic. For someone so open-minded, I never realized how closed off I really was, still really am, but I'm working on it.

Living in the moment reduces my stress load significantly. It used to frustrate and upset me when people told me to stop stressing. It was condescending and annoying because I didn't know how to control it. Without providing instructions, it's just a giant reminder of my inability to do something that shouldn't be difficult to perform. I stress about the unknown. If I don't focus on it, it helps profoundly. It also neutralizes my stress appetite.

I also overthink a lot. It's another source of my stress, and it enables me to not deal with the present. That last sentence is enlightening, and I didn't realize it until I just typed it out. I believe my environment contributed to my future forethought thinking mentality, but I sustained it because it allowed me to escape where I was at the time. It was a safety mechanism that kept me intact, but it no longer serves a beneficial purpose. I have to let it go.

Overthinking prevents me from seeing what's in front of me. I can't focus because of it. It's a vicious cycle. I'm unable to learn productively because of it. I keep reviewing, reviewing, and reviewing that I'm not learning. That result stresses me. It surfaces and sustains my paranoia and insecurities, too. I'm objective enough that I don't need my paranoia to keep me sharp, but that's how I crutch on it. Overthinking protects me, but it also damages me. More importantly, it damages the people around me. I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on my paranoia to do it for me. It's the only way for me to find peace and learn from my mistakes.

Live in the moment