Living in the Moment #2

He'll never know how much he did for me. As far as he knows, as far as he feels, I just hurt him, and I was never satisfied with who he is. I wish there was a way to let him, to show him how wrong I was, how wrong he is. Something I've struggled my entire life finally penetrated me within a one month period of being with him, the way he opened up to me.

I've always been in my head. I let my past weigh me down and my future interfere with my ability to enjoy the here and now. I never really realized it, though. I was too busy focusing on the future that that was my present. I never opened my eyes to what's really here now, ever...until now. For that I thank him. I heard people talk about the value of living in the moment, but I never saw the appeal because I never saw what the present offered until someone showed me. By embracing it, life is more enjoyable. It made me more aware and dynamic. For someone so open-minded, I never realized how closed off I really was, still really am, but I'm working on it.

Living in the moment reduces my stress load significantly. It used to frustrate and upset me when people told me to stop stressing. It was condescending and annoying because I didn't know how to control it. Without providing instructions, it's just a giant reminder of my inability to do something that shouldn't be difficult to perform. I stress about the unknown. If I don't focus on it, it helps profoundly. It also neutralizes my stress appetite.

I also overthink a lot. It's another source of my stress, and it enables me to not deal with the present. That last sentence is enlightening, and I didn't realize it until I just typed it out. I believe my environment contributed to my future forethought thinking mentality, but I sustained it because it allowed me to escape where I was at the time. It was a safety mechanism that kept me intact, but it no longer serves a beneficial purpose. I have to let it go.

Overthinking prevents me from seeing what's in front of me. I can't focus because of it. It's a vicious cycle. I'm unable to learn productively because of it. I keep reviewing, reviewing, and reviewing that I'm not learning. That result stresses me. It surfaces and sustains my paranoia and insecurities, too. I'm objective enough that I don't need my paranoia to keep me sharp, but that's how I crutch on it. Overthinking protects me, but it also damages me. More importantly, it damages the people around me. I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on my paranoia to do it for me. It's the only way for me to find peace and learn from my mistakes.

Live in the moment

Wish List

25% of my Senses

I've been described as being overly logical. I can even argue that it was dangerously logical and emotionally disconnected, but I didn't see it that way because my behavior appeared so paradoxical. For such an overly logical person, I could act really emotionally irrational. As it turns out, I was overly logical until my emotion failed me. I never realized how detrimental it was to my well-being.

Being overly logical was a security measure to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. But no amount of protective barrier can prevent emotions from entering. Since I resisted so much and had so little practice managing it, I was unable to cope with it. It felt unbearable, not because it was but because of my perception and limited exposure and experience with it. Instead of experiencing all of it, the pain and the love, I continued to ignore the emotions and feelings until they weighed my logic down. I'd have panic attacks, struggle, take sedatives if I had any, and repeat the entire process. It was bad, but I never realized how much because this is all that I knew, all that I experienced. Some changes in my life forced a different approach on me.

I broke up with my long time six year boyfriend. It was one of the most natural, easy, and most difficult changes I've endured in my life. Before him I never escaped danger because that's where I lived. It's painful but natural to be thick-skinned and be used to the environment you're in no matter how hard it is. I never learned to sense and protect myself from it, which is rare and it made me feel left out. But I didn't concern myself with it. I was just glad to be protected from it. I no longer had that.

It's amazing how astute our intuition is in action if you let your body take over. It was intoxicating and liberating. It made me realize how suffocated I was before without even knowing it. I was drowning a part of me, and I had no idea. It's like waking up and realizing that you've only been using 25% of your senses your entire life. It's an enlightening and profound experience, but it's also terrifying in ways I can't express.

Every doubt and fear became amplified. My logic was no longer able to silence those insecurities like they once did. My fears felt equally real as the truth. How can both be true? I was too busy asking myself that that I didn't answer the question, which is that it can't be. So, which one is the truth and which one is the lie? Had I have asked myself that, things would've turned out differently. But I was too busy allowing myself to be overpowered to see things for the way they really are. Humans are emotional creatures who possess intellect, not the other way around.

Meaningful Messages

Quotes are such cliques at times, but sometimes there's truth to be found in them. Depending on where I am in life, different quotes have varyingly powerful effects on me. These two are the most profound ones at the moment.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

Fate determines who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

I'm not actually in love with someone, but I was so guarded and protective of myself that I didn't see things for the way they are. I was afraid that he was going to hurt me that I didn't trust him. I've been questioning a lot about fate and destiny lately, so the last quote gives me some clarity and peace of mind.

Second Chances

I made a mistake, one that I honestly think I could quite possibly regret for the rest of my life. The idea of looking back years later, saddened by how badly I sabotaged things is depressing. I was never one to believe in second chances. I've always been ruthlessly critical. In fact, that was my demise in this relationship. But I finally get it. I used to think that people never deserved second chances, which is why I never gave them one. But the people who should be given second chances are rarely the ones that deserve it, which is why they should be offered that opportunity. I'm not saying that I deserve it. I can't make that call because it's not my place. But I am becoming more open-minded, aware, and compassionate. I feel bad that it required a self-invested interest for me to understand it. But rather than waste my energy feeling guilty, I'd rather learn from this lesson.

Live in the moment. I don't always have to explain myself. As desirable as it is at times, only by learning this lesson will I be comfortable in my own skin. So long as I explain myself to others when it's not necessary, regardless of my motives, it prevents me from being comfortable with myself. After all, how can I be comfortable in my own skin if I'm constantly defending myself? For someone who never cared about what other people think of me, I made a lot of effort to portray a certain image according to my standard. As it turns out, I'm not concerned with what people think of me. So, why is it that I've never been comfortable in my own skin? Because I'm overly concerned with what I think of myself to a ruthless standard. I never realized the damage and implication it has on the people I care about. I project this standard onto others. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was never aware of what I was doing.

I'm grateful for the lessons he's taught me in ways he'll never understand even if we were still in contact. He's taught me a lot about myself and about life. Here I thought that it was important that I go out with someone who lives on his own so that he can be at the same place I am in life because there are certain experiences you can only gain by being independent. As it turns out, I was the one who needed to gain experiences. I just wish I could've been able to discover all this without hurting him, without losing him. I understand that these things happen and is sometimes necessary, but I'm still saddened by it. I hope I get a second chance with him. At the very least, I hope there's a way for him to find out how I really feel about him.

Living in the Moment

The beauty and sadness of living in the moment is that you truly live in the moment for all that it is, all of it and nothing else. By living exactly in the moment you get to experience and feel everything. It's intoxicating. By not concerning yourself with the consequences, future fears, or past torments, there are no burdens hindering you, nothing but an exhilarating moment waiting to be experienced for all that it is. And yet the pain about living in the moment is that as fulfilling as it is at that moment, when it passes, it's gone. That's it. No looking back. It makes it easier to be taken over by your emotions if you're willing to surrender. But if you're not, then you're forever hiding in the shadows right next to the moment, envious, bitter, and too shy to embrace all that it can offer you until it leaves. Nothing left but a dead carcass at the end. That is why every moment should be lived to the fullest in that exact moment and time because as quickly as it came, it can be gone. Live in the moment. Each one is given for a reason except to ignore it. Embrace it. Live it. Experience it.

My Old Life Returns

I feel like my old life has returned to pester me. I woke up with excruciating eye allergies. My eyes are crusted shut and raw red. I’m still reeling from my ocular migraine. The weather’s been bright and cheery, but I haven’t been since I’ve lost my pair of sunglasses. I guess ocular migraines are my punishment for my carelessness. Eventually I’ll have to buy a pair with money I don’t have. I also have a giant pimple by my nose that’s giving me a double vision headache attack. I can see it. It’s not only annoying, but it’s giving me a headache because it’s messing with my eyesight. I don’t try to look at it, but my vision is strained from doing just that. Wearing these crappy eyeglasses isn’t helping, either. By crappy, I mean that four times this year my lens fell out of my frame. I’ve had this pair of glasses for four years, so they’re meant to retire. But I’m financially devastated at the moment and clumsy to boot! No matter, though, my glasses can handle only so much fall outs before they completely become useless. I considered getting a pair of prescription eyeglasses that darken and become sunglasses in the sun, but they’re definitely out of my financial range. Using both sunglasses and eyeglasses are still a more affordable choice. Then again, what if I fall and injure myself without corrected vision? The cost of healthcare for someone without insurance would be outrageous. I could always get contact lenses if I’m splurging money I don’t have. Then, I wouldn’t see this obnoxious pimple, and, therefore, I wouldn’t get a headache from it. Of course, I can’t afford contacts and my allergies are killing me. So contacts would be out of the question, anyways, until I can treat my allergies, which also cost money. Fucking $200 to fill my eye allergy prescription! This doesn’t even cover the cost of antibiotic eye drops. Infections are such a bitch. I can either wait it out or spend more money. I’m truly unsure which one is the wiser of choice. Also, recently my legs have become dangerously dehydrated. Dehydrated skin is very different from dry skin. Dry skin lacks moisture; dehydrated skin has moisture, but the body, for whatever reason, isn’t using it. I’m scratching myself like crazy. Inflammations have developed, and I’m getting ingrown hair from it. Ingrown hair really hurts! Then I have what I suspect are actually rashes, which I’m guessing is from allergies. Ugh! My skin is so dehydrated that my moisturizer gets absorbed within 30 seconds and returns to its dehydrated white flaky state as though I did absolutely nothing. As painful as it is, I have to exfoliate my skin to remove the dead skin buildup. That means rubbing against inflammation and rashes. I had to buy a tub of $22 body cream, which works beautifully, but I’m still tapping out of cash. I also bought jojoba oil which retains the natural oils and moisture your skin already possesses. This is soothing except I have very little moisture in the first place. So, I showered and exfoliated my skin, tolerated the sting, knowing that it’s for the best. Then after I lightly wiped myself off, I applied jojoba oil all over in the bathroom that’s still humid and moist from the hot water that was running. This may sound like a good thing except that I don’t have a fucking fan, and it’s also a breeding ground from mold. The paint is starting to peel off, everything in the bathroom smells of mildew, and my friends continually become sick when they visit me. Once the jojoba oil was absorbed into my body, I ran away from my bathroom, which can quite possibly hospitalize me. I went to my room and applied my luscious body cream. I finally felt at ease or about as much as I can be, still frustrated that none of my weekend plans worked out as intended. I transferred money so that I can begin to make purchases such as eyeglasses, sunglasses, and the works. I have to call my physician and ask him to fill out a federal application that would allow me to receive free allergy medication. But what’s a girl to do in the meantime? I found some reasonably priced contact lenses online, but I’m hesitant to purchase them because mail seems to mysteriously go missing in my apartment. I can’t think of too many people I can ask to have it delivered to their place instead. All these friends, and I can’t go to any of them. It depresses and guilts me. I’m guilty because I don’t like the idea of seeing them as conveniences. To be fair, I don’t see them as a convenience. That’s not much better, though, is it? The one friend I’m thinking of may quite possibly be avoiding me, although I’m probably just being a paranoid bitch. The lines become blurred as my affection and interest for him grows and evolves beyond the realms of garden variety friends. I wish he would recognize that. Having a relationship without the label is difficult for me. This must be why I’ve never done it before. Why did I start now? Couldn’t I have fallen for someone who wasn’t so damaged? But would I really have it any other way? How did this become about him? I’m putting more focus on him than he deserves. I wonder how much focus and priority he gives me. With that note, I’m out!