The Lessons of Unemployment

While I do believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I've been left wondering why some of my recent experiences have occurred. What purpose could they have possibly served? It seemed like it only happened to screw me over, and I just didn't believe that that's why it happened. Come to think of it, in the old days, I would've deduced that I deserved it for karmic purposes. I can't believe I didn't even consider that possibility. For the first time in my life when I started questioning things, I stopped approaching it from a disconnected way and began taking an introverted perspective. Since then I started questioning the notion that there's a reason for everything because it stopped being a karmic system, and it became more obscure. I felt like it was personal, the reasons for why all these seemingly unfair and life-changing events rapidly occurred. But if you think that, then it's only natural to be discomforted by the possibility. Yet I didn't think it was a karmic consequence. So what was it? When I couldn't find the answer, I began wondering if one actually existed. For most of my life I've been so used to finding the answer I've been seeking that this is new territory. I have to learn to trust myself and trust that reasons do exist even if I don't know what they are. I shouldn't seek empty comfort by replacing my constant insecurities through some form of wishy-washy explanation.

I believe that every little thing that happens is required to achieve something specific, and I think that's what working at the salon was - birth pains. I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be, and working at the salon was just another process. It's a dynamic lesson - losing myself to discover myself, to realize that my identity isn't as strong and intact as I once believed which is both a blessing and a curse, I have faults that others have that I thought never existed in me, I have more flexible range than I ever thought possible, panic can be eliminated from my life if I want it bad enough, uncertainty isn't always frightening, being someone I'm not will help me appreciate who I am, I have to appreciate who I am to have confidence in myself, there's a difference between the logical choice and the right choice, and so much more!

Being unemployed with rent to worry about is a disastrous combination for me - the old me, that is. Panic attacks, overdose of meds, over compulsion, gross skin, stress, panic, fear, emotional overload, single-mindedness, logical extreme, addictive personality manifesting into every aspect of my life, obsession, panic, repeat. Eventually my body broke down and couldn't afford to panic the way it used to. That's when I realized this lesson - "Uncertainty is a part of life." But you can release yourself from the clutch of fear." I always accepted and feared that uncertainty is a part of life, which is why I did everything I possibly could to have a backup for anything that can possibly go wrong. I didn't think I was jinxing myself, and I believe that it's important to prepare yourself. But I took it to an unhealthy extreme. I didn't take precautionary measures as a way to ease my insecurities so that I can live my life to the fullest in the here and now; it was an obsession of mine.

It's good that I prepared myself, but I never wanted to resort to using it. Even when it got to the point that I had to, I did everything I could to not have to tap into that like not eating. It was insane! I'm starting to understand the function and priority that preparation should have. I have to accept that unpredictable, unexpected, feared things occur in life but that's okay. This is a huge thing that I get that. For the longest, I kept having panic attacks, but I didn't really understand why. I was just going through the motions. I hate taking meds because I don't want to have to rely on anything. I like to have them around for security purposes but never use them. I told myself that I didn't deserve to use them because it makes no sense that I need them. And I was right. Once I accepted my situation for what it truly is, things calmed down for me a little. Even though things were exactly the same, I was different. It's amazing how life-changing awareness can be. I would've never learned this if I didn't get fired.

Now that I have a lot of time on my hands, I'm really starting to listen to myself. I'm not just mindlessly doing things to ease an underlying insecurity that I'm unaware of. I'm actually able to uncover and address the source of my manifested coping mechanisms. There were all these things I've always wanted but never worked towards gaining, not really. I didn't even know what I really wanted. I just went through the motions. Everything was so stressful that the last thing I did was surface the courage to face my insecurities.

I realized that my OCD is a lot unhealthier than I first perceived it to be. It's so much subtler than other peoples' that I thought I was fine until someone tried to reduce it from my life. I couldn't even think straight when my necklace was removed because it matched my outfit, and I "needed" it. How crazy is that? It kept interfering, so someone took it off of me. Such a small thing shouldn't have consumed me the way it did.

My compulsive habits stopped being as comforting as it once was, which I hated. I resented my friend for presenting the ugly side to my OCD because my support system, as faulty as it was, failed me. How else am I supposed to deal with life's stresses? Apparently by dealing with life's stresses. I always thought I dealt with them. But, no, they were imposed on me, and I had nowhere to hide. So I handled it. That's not the same thing.

When I couldn't distract and ease myself from everything that was bothering me, I couldn't hide from everything that was bothering me - weak stress management, unexpected and unpredictable life occurrences, etc. Unemployment forced me to deal with everything I push back into my mind. I scheduled my classes around work, so I have A LOT of time on my hands. I realized how unsatisfying my unbalanced life is.

Now that I don't have income, I can't afford to maintain my compulsive habits. I spent $50 in a single week on washing cleaning rags! I can't afford that anymore. The definition of insane is to do the same thing over and over again and hope for a different outcome. I kept cleaning, hoping that it would stay clean this time for longer than a day, that it would calm me. But I just became redundant, illogical, and extreme. When I realized that (thanks to Erik's insights), I decided to try nothing. For the first time in my life, I've worked my ass off on sitting still because everything I do has an underlying compulsive excessiveness - my extensive writing, cooking in bulk, cleaning, exercising, anything I do. I've been unemployed for a while now that even though I stress, I have evidence that everything is still okay.

I've shown myself that I can do this, but I've also found the time to discover who I really am, how it affects me, how I want to change, and explore what I really want. I've always wanted to be more creative. When I'm not distracted with other superficial stuff in my life, this absence really gnaws at me. I want creativity more than anything in my life right now (well that and peace of mind, self-confidence, and happiness). Writing is my only link to creativity. In fact, until I got fired, I lost my passion for writing because I lacked passion. I want to go in-depth about my creative desires, but I've decided to create another entry for that. My point is having all this time made me realize how much I really want to be creative. I've always talked about it, but I've never really felt the surge of desire within me until now.

I also want to have more confidence. A lot of people think I have this strong sense of personality. BoBo thinks it makes me the thick-skinned bitch I am, but what she and others (including myself sometimes) fails to realize is that it's just an exterior that conceals my weaknesses. I'm realizing that more and more now. I'm starting to understand what EriK meant when he said that it's all bullshit. "I portray this strong personality, but he knows me." So true.

I also want to be happy. I mean, really be happy. Okay, so, I've never been the sunshine girl, and I'm moodier more than anything. But I've never been just happy. I don't think I'll ever be fully. My friend, Mike, and I were talking about this recently. He said that he doesn't think he can ever achieve true happiness because that would mean that all desires are achieved. There's just too much to learn and discover that it's impossible to reach all that. I agree, but I believe I can come closer to it than I am. The reason why I say I'm not happy is because I've never experienced even for a single second, a moment where I didn't feel bad in some way or another. There's always been some concern, fear, insecurity, or doubt that's present. Just once I'd like to be able to smile and not have some concern floating in the back of my mind.

My friend told me one day that I'm not happy because I don't realize my worth. He compared me to this sweet girl who lives her life to the fullest. He said, "Look at this girl. She isn't pretty and people make fun of her because she's eccentric, but she lives life to the fullest. You're pretty, you're smart, you have friends, but you don't live life to the fullest. You have no reason to be unhappy." So why am I like this?

Even though I feel like I've known all of this stuff before, I never fully absorbed it all until now. This is my lesson of unemployment, to focus on me. Even if you see aspects of a big picture and you connect everything little piece together in your mind, it's not the same as seeing the whole picture in its entirety. It's also not the same thing if you glance at it, rather than concentrating on it fully, let the image bleed into one another and change shape and form like how we are. Life has more to offer me than just financial security if I open my eyes wide enough to see that.

Here's a new lesson - there's a difference between the logical choice and the right choice. Not every right choice is logical. "Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment." That's what I'm realizing. I perceive financial security as a higher value than it should be. I only get what I consider essentials, and then I'm bummed out because I feel deprived. I never allow myself to indulge and appreciate the smaller stuff. I'm looking for a job now, but I'm not turning it into my life. I'm embracing what unemployment is offering me - a chance to discover and explore other aspects of life I don't otherwise have time for or the mindset to embrace.

I'm So Over It - Discretion

Being someone I'm not isn't only unnatural, but it completely backfired on me. And why wouldn't it? Co-existence doesn't work if they're opposing forces. I'm not the sweet girl that everyone gets along with and is well-liked, but at least I'm authentic. For most of my life, being who I am has been a struggle and a position I've constantly had to defend because it wasn't the "approved" character for a young girl to have. I've finally reached a point in my life where who I am is accepted and advantageous. So the last thing I should be fucking doing is compromising who I am and portraying a false version of myself. That's what I began doing, and that was the beginning of my downward spiral.

I took a job as a receptionist for a hair salon. As someone who has bad judgment, I fell in love with that place. But once I knew the hidden, ugly, raw truth, I should'vd left that place without ever looking back. Instead I not only stayed, but I developed a chameleon personality as a way to maintain the environment I was exposed to because there was no way that I could've existed outside of my natural element by being who I am. I didn't know I had the ability to do that.

I'm not sure why I did it. It almost felt instinctual and involuntary like I was programmed to behave that way. Actually, I think I do know why I did it. Being who I am came so naturally for me, but it was also such a chore and a futile battle. I struggled with virtually anything and everything that can turn into a conflict. I became tired of always fighting everything I deserved and defending every choice I made. I wanted a break, I needed a break to demonstrate that I can't afford to give up. For some people life is easier. I'm not one of them. If I'm to live my life to the fullest, I have to accept and embrace all of who I am especially the bad. I can't do that if I'm being someone I'm not, which is exactly what I did at the salon.

I was sweet, quiet, reserved, distanced, separated, tolerant, submissive, and the most life-changing of all - a pushover, which is the furthest from who I am. I take crap for nobody! But it was different at the salon. I took crap, and I made it easy for people to give me crap. I practically wore a bull's eye and played a willing victim. When a stylist started bitching because I booked something incorrectly based on how I was trained (not my own fuck up which did happen too), I couldn't tell her to shove her attitude up her ass or re-direct it to the person who trained me incorrectly because it's not my fault I take orders properly and tell her that she's a single-minded, self-centered bitch who's too busy bitching to realize that I scheduled something very specifically because I was instructed to do so, not because I randomly chose it that way! So if it was really important to her that I do things her way that she tell the trainer how I shouldn't do things and show me more fucking respect, so I would have more of an incentive to obey her. She's so fucking stupid. What she wants to achieve isn't going to happen through her behavior.

Obviously that kind of back talk would have gotten me fired, which wouldn't have been so awful. But I guess everything happens for a reason. I took crap from stylists when I didn't deserve it, and I never called them on it, which goes against everything I stand for. I truly believe that you train and condition the people around you. So if you don't want certain behaviors to become a habit, you have to tell them. How else will idiots who think it's okay to act that way are going to know that it isn't? You certainly can't rely on their intellectual assessment to come to that conclusion because then they wouldn't fuck up in the first place.

It's one thing to get bitched at for my mistakes. But it's an entirely different thing when I get bitched at for scheduling a client at the end of the day when she's supposed to be working because she didn't feel like waiting for three hours for her last client to show up. And how the fuck would I know that? As if that wasn't bad enough, she bitched about it FOREVER and totally overused the word, fuck. When I wasn't in the back where I was in a position to hear her bitch, she went to the front to ensure that I would hear her. What a petty immature dumb ass! Every time she went to the bathroom, she would intentionally over-use three towels. So I would have to do more work because she failed to tell me what she wanted. I basically got bitched at for doing my job and enabling her to do hers and ensure that she be compensated for it. How fucked is that?

I got crap and attitude for not wearing a skirt, while the other receptionist wore jeans that were torn and unflattered her flabby ass with a zip-up jacket most people wear when they go jogging. I would argue that my boss was a pervert, and as much as I would like to demonize him, he's just an idiot with an unfair standard imposed on me. Then again, I made it way too easy for him to attack me. Working with idiots enforces an increase in tolerance and a safe distance from their stupidity. What if it's contagious? I showed up 30 minutes early for work usually. So when I arrived on time, my boss had this attitude like I was late because he perceived me as being on time for work only when I was early. Is it my fault that you conditioned yourself to not read time when I'm on shift?

My boss would take money out of the cash drawer without telling me, and I'd panic because I'm short $100. Of course, the only reason why I panicked is because I did my job and counted the money regularly like I was supposed to. I also made the mistake of ignoring the training manual - if the cash drawer is short, G probably took it. He'd also let other people who I've never met go into the cash drawer. How am I supposed to know what's going on? He thought I was being fucked up because he's entitled to that money. Just because I want the cash drawer balanced doesn't mean that I'm censoring him from his money. It's called awareness, accuracy, and communication. I wasn't being a pushy control freak about it, either, which is how I usually am. He's just that special ed. There's just so much more crap that I don't even want to get into. Just trust that it was awful!

When the economy dropped, I asked if my job was secure. I wasn't only lied to when my boss was forced to answer my question, but he even went out of his way to tell me multiple times that he didn't want me to quit and that he considered me a valuable employee, if I got another offer to talk to him first and we'll work something out, and oh yeah, please don't quit. That's a lot of build-up to spit out for someone you ultimately fire! I was hired because the salon manager was leaving. When she regretted her decision and wanted her old job back, that's when I got axed. It's like I had to pay for the consequences of her mistakes and regrets.

I've never wanted anyone in my entire life to receive their karmic consequences more than my asshole former boss and the hidden bitch. G should've never lied to me, but M went along with it. He would've never gone for it without her consent and participation. I hate how she acted all sweet and as though she didn't screw me over. She's the sweet looking one that no one expects this from. I feel like everyone gave my boss crap because it's easy to hate him, while M's likable, but she played a role in this, too. I was told to be conscientious that she's not my friend. So even though she screwed me over that I shouldn't get too upset because she didn't owe me any loyalty. It's not like we were friends. G wasn't my friend, either.

It's true about M, but you don't have to be a friend to be a considerate or good person. I hate the situation it puts me in. I didn't know whether to be livid with her for her blatant inconsideration or deduce that she's an absent-minded, incapable adult who doesn't understand the value of employment because she's a twenty seven year old woman still living with her parents who has no idea what it means to be independent, self-sufficient, and responsible for her own well-being. I hate the mentality it puts me in because it insinuates that you can't be considerate or aware unless you live on your own, and that's insulting. It also creates this superiority complex in my mind. I hate that!

My hours were first cut with the argument that I was making too many errors, which freaked me out during the two seconds I thought it was true! I was told by one of the few stylists whom I actually trust and respect that it was bullshit. It's only because M wants her old job back. Then, G comes in right before closing with the excuse that he wanted to "clean up." I should've been suspicious. He asked to get on the computer, which is how he was able to process my final paycheck. It's like, "Okay, let me help you fire me." WTF!?!?!?! He said, "The other reason why I'm here is because I've decided to let you go. I like you, but it's not a good fit." You like me? Thank God that asshole has no idea the kind of person I am because when a jackass like that says something to you like that, it makes you want to undergo a personality makeover!

The crazy thing is that I could've totally "professionally" bitched him out, and it would've totally been within my right. Anyone who knows me outside of the salon knows I can do it, too. But for some reason, I didn't, which was nuts because I no longer had anything to gain by pretending to be someone else in theory. As it turns out, the next day G calls to tell me that my last two paychecks bounced! What the fuck? So not only did I get unfairly axed because we all know how it really went down, but my paychecks bounced, too?!?!?! Good thing I didn't bitch him out.

I thought I wouldn't want to talk to anyone for a week, but I woke up in a surprisingly not a bad mood. It felt like I cried everything out, and I was experiencing depression "hangover" but in a healthy way. It almost felt like it happened to someone else and ages ago, but that didn't last. This is around the time I became a lot more intuitive, so I started getting this weird feeling before my first phone call from G. I should've known...

I talked to him more once I got fired than when I was working there. He practically went stalker mode, monitoring my every move. I couldn't get to the bank without getting checked up on. Goffered to drop it off my house or at my bank, letting me know that I didn't have to go to the salon. He basically wanted to tell me that I wasn't welcome at the salon without telling me. I didn't want to be there when I was paid to be there. Why would I show up voluntarily? I'm glad that life is over. That paycheck fiasco was such a nightmare.

Then I had an issue with citibank, which I'm not going to bother to get into because I'm tired of typing. I basically had to call my friend, Johnny, who works at citibank for assistance, but I went to voicemail. So my friend, Jeff, who works at Bank of America was the one who was able to help me because that's the bank the salon banks with. How sad is that? I also got into it with Johnny, and it was just this huge thing.

Actually I'm the sad one. I shouldn't have been there long enough to get dicked like that. It was just so easy to stay - free salon services, flexible hours (name one office job that's flexible to a student's schedule?), nearby grocery stores, a fridge I can store groceries in, convenient location, nearby my bank, good pay, and generous overtime. It sounds good, right? Plus playing the tolerant role made tolerating my living situation easier, too. It maintained an unhealthy but easier lifestyle. I finally saw the appeal of submission, but it's not who I am. I appreciate that a lot more now, too. You know what else? I lost 20 fucking pounds because I never had time to eat lunch because it was always so busy! I'm way too thin to be thinning. It worked out for the best.

I don't know why I was hesitant about writing about this crap job. It must be mindless residual consideration that was floating around in the back of my mind associated to the salon because that's where it was born (mindless consideration). I don't owe that place any loyalty. G and M spent a suspicious amount of time before I got axed, too. Why should I care? I'll write whatever I want when I want to. Just because they were shady with me shouldn't mean that I should reciprocate, but I'm not being fucked up. I'm telling a side that G and M prefer stay hidden because they're ashamed of their behavior and deep down now they were fucked up about. That's not my problem, and they should feel bad. But I'm over it. (I think even M's sister who I love knows how wrong it was because I saw her, and I could just sense of compassion and misplaced guilt. It's not on her, though).

I Reacted, Rather Than Acted

I can’t believe I exposed my vulnerability to him. I’m easy to read, and I “reveal” a lot of things to people. But, really, I’m selective about what I open up about and I conceal a lot. My past is unknown to most people. What I do share is really trivial stuff. I never realized this until now, but I’m selectively open to certain types of people. I think it’s subconsciously controlled. Some people are just more receptive to my past and my inner self. When I sense that, I respond differently. It’s been a while since I’ve attracted people who understand, I mean really understand, that life, that world. So, I think it made it easy to bond and connect with him. I think it happened before I was even aware of it.

Sometimes reacting is better than acting because I’m not over-analyzing. Even if those reasons aren’t known to me at that point in time, I have to trust that somewhere inside of me; I know what I’m doing. That’s how it began, and it was clearly the right move. It’s scary, though, to just react and not be in control. When I realized that I wasn’t in control of my emotions and I opened up to him without realizing it, I started shutting down. I kept thinking that he was so guarded, that I wanted him to open up. I didn’t realize how closed-off I was, I am. That’s when I stopped reacting and began acting.

Sarah posted this beautifully expressed quote that I think conveys what I’ve just discovered and realized I need to do in order to find that connection I feel has been missing in my life. “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” –Alex Karras.

I think I’m more broken and damaged than other people, but I’m also stronger as a result. People see me struggle, but I never let it keep me down. People tell me that I’m strong, and I never believed it because something about that message seemed off somehow. I’m starting to realize that I am a strong individual, but I’m also starting to understand why I was conflicted by the idea of that. “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them.” I’ve never openly or deliberately revealed my insecurities until recently, and I broke down. But it was refreshing and a learning experience. I’m not as strong as I’d like to be; I’m not as strong as I wish I am; I’m not as strong as I feel I should and can be. I’ve dominated people more than I have related to them. Relating to people makes me realize how much courage I can have and how weak I actually am in perception. I was a blind reflex girl but not anymore.

I’m starting to change. I’m both frightened and excited by it. I’m losing a part of who I am to gain a new side. My overly logical and disconnected barrier is starting to chip away, which is necessary if I’m ever to be emotionally connected the way I want to be. I’m tired of being overly logical until my logic fails me and then I become emotionally-erratic. Even though emotions aren’t the most controllable essence in this world, I want to be more connected to it. I want to be able to open up when I want to, know how to do that, realize when I’m doing that, realize when I’m not doing that, to be familiar with my feelings even. However, when my emotion takes charge, my objectivity isn’t present. That can become problematic if analytical thought is necessary, but I’m starting to be open to the idea of losing that side of me if that’s the only way to achieve what I’ve always wanted. In the past, I was never willing to make that sacrifice. Even though finding balance has always been the one thing I could never do, I honestly believe that this is a balance I can achieve – maintain my objectivity and access it when it’s necessary, while simultaneously being led by my intuition and being connected to everything I’m a part of.

My Kryptonite

For longer than I’d like to admit, I’ve allowed my kryptonite to plague me. She was a kryptonite for my self-esteem and confidence, a manifestation of my fears and insecurities materialized and wearing an attractive and nearly perfect outfit (attractive, sexy, fearless, talented, confident, sophisticated, charming, sweet, daring, kind, caring, patient, and likable, a good friend in spite of her actions, worldly, and the envy of most girls). I finally realized that she was never my kryptonite; I was. I am. I just shifted my focus onto her. She was just some bitch in my way that distracted me from the real source of my insecurities.

I never lived in the moment and focused on everything that wasn’t in the here and now, everything and anything that wasn’t within me like her. I was jealous and envious of her confidence, success, her resources, and how easily things came to her. I never stopped to consider that the pretty smile concealed her insecurities and doubts. I’m not glad that things are difficult to her, but now that I relate to her, I’m no longer intimidated by her. It is a relief and an eye-opener because even though she was never the source of my problem, she clearly crippled me. Or, more accurately, I allowed her to cripple me.

I’m starting to realize the value of being able to connect with people. I am a little disappointed that it required me to see her flaws in order for me to be immune to her. It shouldn’t have taken a look into her dark side in order for me to realize that she’s just like the rest of us, that she’s human. After all, the side we expose isn’t what’s always on the inside. We share glimpses of our inner senses, but few of us even know who we even are. Our subconscious protects us from it, and we’re so caught up in everything else that we neglect to focus on the important things.

I should know better than anyone that our exterior isn’t reflective of how we really feel. I give the impression that I have a strong sense of self, but it’s more of an act than anything. You wear a mask often enough, it becomes believable and it can become you, but that’s yet to happen for me. It’s because I can’t be someone I’m not, no matter how much I want it or how much I try; I can never be someone or something I’m not. But how I portray myself is how people will receive me, so it’s important that I’m open about it.

Or else it starts to skew my own judgment. I start forgetting how insecure and self-conscious I am, too, not because I’m no longer that girl but because I hide a part of who I am. How can I expect to grow and evolve as a person if I can’t even face who I really am? “Remember that failure isn’t my enemy, fear and negativity are.” I can’t explain enough how much t hat applies to me. And yet I’ve ignored this reality for far too long.

I feel like I can’t talk about these things with so many of my friends because they’re skeptical about the idea of me having doubts. I don’t want to validate, defend, and convince my friends of how I really feel, in hopes that they’ll be receptive and comforting. It’s not their burden to bear. It shouldn’t be anyone’s burden to bear, really. Most importantly, this is something I have to deal with internally. I’ve always known this, but it’s become painfully clear recently. Someone who can read me made me realize how much I was hiding from myself. I’m not really sure what the next step is or what I want. But for the first time in my life this unawareness doesn’t frighten me.

I Don't Feel Human

For such an emotionally-charged person, I never felt very human. I’ve always felt disconnected, and I feel that way even more now. I always knew I was detached, but it never bothered me. I just didn’t know any better. I never knew what I was missing. When I first started noticing what I was missing because emotions rushed in AND spilled out of me, I felt like I was suffocating. I hated it and wanted to turn it off. When I truly realized how emotionally disconnected I was, which, in turn, made me disconnected to everything, I was desperate to feel something, anything, to feel a part of something meaningful and overpowering. I felt that way for a while. I started realizing that something was missing. But once I got what I wanted I wanted the exact opposite because it was overwhelming. I feel like I’m trapped and living in this paradoxical state. I wonder if I’ll learn to appreciate the good and the bad or want to withdrawal each time it becomes painful or if I’ll actually develop the ability to separate myself. If I do separate myself, am I susceptible to returning to my original state, disconnected and unaware of what I’m missing? Will I even remember or care?

Helping Others to Help Myself

I wasn't always the person my friends came to for insights and feedback. But I've changed a lot. So, it's only natural that my friends will respond differently to me. Friends I've only met for the second time will open up about things they haven't shared with their closest friends. It doesn't actually trip me out because I do offer insightful and productive advice. I tend to over-complicate things and it makes my life difficult. But when it comes to helping my friends, I'm direct and eliminate that over-complicated baggage. Somehow, I know that I can't help them with it. So I get rid of it. It's a selective process. I've realized after helping so many of my friends that it's something I need to implement in my own life. I never realized how damaging and neglectful I've been to myself.

I've always been a direct person who does what she wants to do. I could really care less what others think of it, just as long as it's something I want to do unless it involves a guy. It's always about a guy, right? For someone so independent and upfront, I allow myself to be completely taken over by my insecurities and question every action that I take and don't take. Truthfully speaking, my insecurities surface and I question whether I should act a certain way in every aspect of my life. But for the most part, it's just a habitual process that my mind goes through. I proceed as I intend.

By not doing this, by not being myself, I lost someone and, more importantly, I lost myself. So I'm over it. Sometimes, I'm paradoxical in a complex way that I can't fight, nor would I want to. But sometimes I'm paradoxical in an unnecessary and complicated sort of way. I'm afraid to act a certain way because I'm afraid he'll reject me. But I already know how he feels about me if I just stop freaking out how long enough to sense it, to realize it. Besides, why am I so chicken shit for? I don't embarrass easily. So if my paranoia is warranted, it'll still be okay. I just never allow myself the opportunity to learn this. That's unhealthy for me, and it's unfair for any guy who shows an interest in me.

I'm convinced he's going to diss me at any point in time. But I go for sweet guys. I know that. So by suspecting such foul play, it's so disrespectful to the guy. It's not like I ever tip my hat off until I realize that it's mutual anyways, not that it matters. That kind of doubt is unfair and unfounded. And by some chance, my fears become realized, so what? I have friends who like our friends. When it's not mutual, they don't get dissed. I surround myself with considerate, kind people. They wouldn't do me like that...especially if the guy is into me. I was told by a guy I liked that I need to have a higher standard of him. He was wrong. I need a higher standard for myself, only then will I project that perspective.

My friend expressed something that's really obvious and yet profound to me at the same time - But sometimes, when you take a moment to step outside of your shoes, you'll realize the fears or doubts are illogical. At times we are so bombarded by our own thoughts that we can't see clearly. Great things are experienced/achieved by taking great risks. The first message I realized when I was helping my friend, and I realized how much of what I said to him applied to me. I just transferred that logic into my own life. The second sentence is the story of my life, but I'm working on changing that. The third message is a newfound lesson for me. Thanks girl!

I can be such a self-involved person that I think we all forget how much I actually do for others. By believing and perceiving that I make myself a focus and priority, I overlook when I completely neglect myself. This is why helping others helps me. It makes people around me appreciate and acknowledge what I can offer and what I do for them, while I realize how flawed my own perspective is. Sometimes, I waste my time feeling guilty because I spend so much time talking about what's been going on in my life that I forget to realize that my friends share a lot with me, too, just not as much as me. But what they do share with me is significant. I think that's how a lot of people in my life are. The guy I pushed away opened up a lot more than me and shared so much more than me, but I didn't see it because I was focusing on quantity more than quality. I never realized that until now.

My Room Is a Sanctuary

I have four roommates. My bathroom doesn't have a fan, so it's a breeding ground for mold. I think I'm allergic to my place. It's a total mess. To keep it clean, I have to sweep, mop, and disinfect at least twice a day. I eat my laundry money washing an insane amount of rags only to be driven mad and fuel my OCD tendencies. My name also isn't on the lease, so I have no leg to stand on.

Up until my last apartment, where I lived was just a place to sleep. I never felt truly at home. I loved my old apartment. I felt comfortable and my belongings personalized and reflected my personality. It was strategically decorated and balanced in a unique way. I have a purple couch! My art contrasts one another in a very consistent sort of way. Each room is categorized and dedicated to serve a specific purpose to ground me and keep me focused. Since I have tendency to be in my head, I like categories to keep me organized. I felt at ease there.

I was surprised by how well I handled my new environment. I feel like all these changes occurred to help me adapt to where I am now. If all these things didn't happen, I wouldn't cope so well. Management skills, aside, I'm not a fan of where I live. And yet my friend made an astute observation that I open up more in my room, that I may not like that I consider my room my own, but it is what it is. I find a little peace knowing that. I'm glad it was shared with me because I'm not sure if I could've come to that conclusion on my own because I tend to focus on everything else.

I think it's important for everyone to feel like they have a place that's just for themselves, whether it's a place, in someone's heart, in life, etc. I'm a social, chatty person, but I've realized the value of feeling at home especially since my mind is so neurotic. It has a grounding effect for me. I feel differently now that I'm conscious of my reaction to being in my own room. It's true that I don't necessarily "like" the idea that my room is my sanctuary because of the bigoted idea of what I consider "sanctuary". But I'm over that. My room is my sanctuary.