I Don't Feel Human

For such an emotionally-charged person, I never felt very human. I’ve always felt disconnected, and I feel that way even more now. I always knew I was detached, but it never bothered me. I just didn’t know any better. I never knew what I was missing. When I first started noticing what I was missing because emotions rushed in AND spilled out of me, I felt like I was suffocating. I hated it and wanted to turn it off. When I truly realized how emotionally disconnected I was, which, in turn, made me disconnected to everything, I was desperate to feel something, anything, to feel a part of something meaningful and overpowering. I felt that way for a while. I started realizing that something was missing. But once I got what I wanted I wanted the exact opposite because it was overwhelming. I feel like I’m trapped and living in this paradoxical state. I wonder if I’ll learn to appreciate the good and the bad or want to withdrawal each time it becomes painful or if I’ll actually develop the ability to separate myself. If I do separate myself, am I susceptible to returning to my original state, disconnected and unaware of what I’m missing? Will I even remember or care?