My Room Is a Sanctuary

I have four roommates. My bathroom doesn't have a fan, so it's a breeding ground for mold. I think I'm allergic to my place. It's a total mess. To keep it clean, I have to sweep, mop, and disinfect at least twice a day. I eat my laundry money washing an insane amount of rags only to be driven mad and fuel my OCD tendencies. My name also isn't on the lease, so I have no leg to stand on.

Up until my last apartment, where I lived was just a place to sleep. I never felt truly at home. I loved my old apartment. I felt comfortable and my belongings personalized and reflected my personality. It was strategically decorated and balanced in a unique way. I have a purple couch! My art contrasts one another in a very consistent sort of way. Each room is categorized and dedicated to serve a specific purpose to ground me and keep me focused. Since I have tendency to be in my head, I like categories to keep me organized. I felt at ease there.

I was surprised by how well I handled my new environment. I feel like all these changes occurred to help me adapt to where I am now. If all these things didn't happen, I wouldn't cope so well. Management skills, aside, I'm not a fan of where I live. And yet my friend made an astute observation that I open up more in my room, that I may not like that I consider my room my own, but it is what it is. I find a little peace knowing that. I'm glad it was shared with me because I'm not sure if I could've come to that conclusion on my own because I tend to focus on everything else.

I think it's important for everyone to feel like they have a place that's just for themselves, whether it's a place, in someone's heart, in life, etc. I'm a social, chatty person, but I've realized the value of feeling at home especially since my mind is so neurotic. It has a grounding effect for me. I feel differently now that I'm conscious of my reaction to being in my own room. It's true that I don't necessarily "like" the idea that my room is my sanctuary because of the bigoted idea of what I consider "sanctuary". But I'm over that. My room is my sanctuary.

Lost Friends

In life we gain and lose friends. But it's important to realize that just because you lose some of them, it doesn't mean that they were never our friends at one point. People change and grow. Some people grow with us; some without us. It's unfortunate sometimes. Other times, it's liberating to release yourself from the burdens of a dying or dead friendship. No matter how much you want something, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. That's life. It's neither bleak or beautiful if you strip away the emotions that define or trap us. I'm not suggesting that we approach life in an emotionally disconnected way. I've recently realized the importance of emotional awareness and just feeling anything. But sometimes emotions can cloud and confuse us. It's meant to guide and help us. When it has the opposite effect, I find that there's value to not getting caught in the cobwebs of our emotions. It is what it is. Once you see it for what it is, things become clearer. Be sad. Be happy. Feel. Don't ignore it. Don't deny it. Don't fight it. After all, it is what it is. In life, we gain things and lose things. That is the order of the universe. No matter how much you wish things are different, things are the way they are. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move forward and learn the value of living in the moment.

An Experience I Never Want to Forget

I just went hiking at Eaton Canyon, and it wasn't at all what I expected it to be (not that I had an impression in mind). The waterfall was my favorite, the mountains were earthy, the hiking was calming, and, oh yeah, there was ROCK CLIMBING!!! If you know me, you know I'm not a rock climbing girl. I'm still not, but I couldn't climb up a 20 ft bullshit "rock" at a Farmer's Market. So imagine rock climbing in an area where I can technically die! Plus, I'm a major klutz!

Doing something that's not natural to me isn't a foreign practice, but it was the experience and insight that I gained from it that was incredible, indescribable in many ways. I'm usually overcomplicated and difficult, and I still am. I'm addicted to stress, ruled by stress, and I surrender to stress. I stress unnecessarily because I overthink and fail to live in the moment. I usually cope with stress by eliminating or modifying, basically CONTROLLING, the source of my problem. Or I have a drug addict's mentality. If I can't avoid or change the circumstance, I focus compulsively on another source of stress as a way to not deal with whatever is concerning me at that moment. So I've never had any practice managing my stress. I was told repeatedly and was aware that I need to stop trying to control things, but today was the first time I realized that by surrendering control will I truly be able to relieve myself of the stresses that endlessly burden me.

It was a major stepping stone in my life. I became one with my balance, which used to only occur when I did ballet. And even that required focus and discipline. But then my friend reminded me that life is just a dance. I discovered that I can trust my body to keep me safe, and, more importantly, that it's essential for my emotional well-being to allow my body to take over from time to time. I used to clutch onto living in my own head, even though it was burdensome and damaging because it gave me a sense of control. Having nothing to do with the fact that it was a false sense of control, I realized that surrendering, losing, or even transferring control to someone else can sometimes be one of the best things I can do for myself.

As fearless and daring as I used to be, I was always cautious and paranoid, too. I grew into a fearful, paranoid, stressed person, so consumed by it that time escaped me, and worrying became my life. This reality became shockingly clear to me recently, but I had forgotten what it was like to not be this way...until today. It wasn't so much the activity as much as being put outside of my natural element and going with it that had such a profound effect on me. I'm usually overly informed as a way to soothe my incessant thoughts of unawareness, understanding matters according to my satisfaction, and controlling my environment.

Rock climbing requires you to be less inside your head, become intimate with what you fear instead of dodging it, trusting your instincts, moving around and feeling your surrounding instead of using just your eyes, believing in yourself and your abilities especially the ones unknown to you, managing your stress, and putting your trust into someone else who has gone through this and has something to offer you if you're open to it. This was something I wasn't ready for even a couple weeks ago.

I had plans to go to Eaton Canyon with someone else, but things didn't work out. As saddened and disappointed as I am about that, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm incredibly grateful for not going with him because it would've been a nightmare! I would've freaked out, he would've gotten frustrated and snappy because he can't remedy the problem, our communication barriers would've surfaced into a problematic circumstance, and we would've bounced off of each other's emotions. Today I accepted my fear for what it is without letting it entirely consume me. I realized the drawbacks to being restricted and how uncomfortable it is. It's far more natural and liberating to go with it - use your logic when it's best suited and follow your intuition when that's best suited (listen to your intuition).

For such a dynamic and open-minded person, I can be cripplingly one-sided. I believe in diversity, the value of moderation, and the necessity of balance. Yet my life doesn't reflect my belief system. I'm overly logical until my logic fails me and then I'm emotionally erratic. I'm creatively stifled and deprived, but I I don't expose myself to the world I want to so desperately be a part of. I want to stress less, but my actions lead me toward the very spiral I claim to want to escape. There's "knowing" what you're doing wrong, hearing what you should do to achieve your goals, your empty desires to accomplish them, and then there's the profound experiences that connects you to those desires in such a gripping way that it changes you. That's what I had today.

I went out of my element and really experienced things for the first time. I became enlightened about struggles I've had my entire life and continued to make progress regarding recent discoveries. I always knew that I need to stress less and not overthink so much, but I never knew that I had to learn to live in the moment. I've heard the value articulated, but I never knew it for myself or what living in the moment can bring me - less stress, amplified enjoyment because I would really be experiencing it, contentment, happiness that isn't one-dimensional, peace, clarity, trust in myself, an absence of overwhelming insecurity, and so much more.

I've also never felt so connected to myself before. I recently realized that by being overly objective, I'm disconnected to the people and things around me. I love my friends; they know that, but in some ways, they'll never know how much they mean to me. Since I'm not close with my family, they're my family. Not all of them know how meaningful and important they are to me. Even I'm not. It's come to my attention that I project myself onto others and want to be significant in other people's lives because people, my friends, don't mean that much to me. This isn't because I have little care for them, but because I'm emotionally disconnected, I don't care for them the way an emotionally-functional person should. As sad as this sounds, the word compassion fills me with emotions I've never felt before until I came to this realization, which was just a couple days ago. That's how emotionally deficient I've been, and I wasn't even aware of it.

Now that I'm aware of this and becoming more emotionally attuned, things changed. Not only did I trust myself but I projected that trust onto others. For the first time in a long time, my projection, which always existed, transformed into something positive. I trusted my guide, my friend to help me, to be there for me, and to keep me safe. Trust is such a fragile and strong issue that we all battle with. The people who know me know that I'm a trustworthy person and that I trust my friends. I'm not absent of trust. But it's an entirely different experience to show that and in such a terrifying experience! I used to treat trust with a cerebral approach. I listened and observed in order to trust, but I've never felt it before. Thank you so much for what you did for me. And I don't just mean putting up with me but also being patient and tolerant with me, keeping me grounded, distracting and focusing me simultaneously, helping me, and just being there for me. "People come into your life for a Reason, Season, and sometimes a Lifetime to make you the person you are today"

This journey was so intense. It was new and exciting, invigorating, unexpected, balanced, mentally challenging, unnatural, dynamic, exhilarating, liberating, trusting, enlightening, profound, meaningful, life changing, stressful, terrifying, and just amazing. I can honestly say that this day will go down as one of the best days of my life. It wasn't the most glamorous of days. I hiked in a pair of jeans and went into the waterfall. I moved awkwardly and panicked. But I made discoveries and had profound experiences that are going to change me into the person I want to become, the person I'm meant to be. When you achieve something that you've always wanted to accomplish, it's incredible. That's what this was.

For better or worse, I've always been me. I'm paradoxical and intense. I'm the kind of person that not everyone likes, but that's okay because I love the people I attract into my life. I don't want to surround myself with people who don't want me in their lives. I'm still difficult, but I've softened in my ways, which is both good and bad. I feel like these changes occurred rapidly because it was preparing me for what's to come. I was being submissive, silenced, weak, a target. I "needed" to be that person at that time because of where I was in life in order to sustain that environment. It may have began as a mask, but when you wear a mask long enough, it stops becoming a mask and who you are. I started progressing down that road, and I realized that I didn't like who I was becoming. I was fake, either out of deliberate necessity or out of fear and subsequently being someone I'm not. I lost someone special to me because I was being someone I'm not. I didn't trust myself, so I lashed out at him. He liked me for who I am, and he lost interest in me because of how I was acting. Being someone I'm not has only brought failure and misery into my life.

I'm over hating who I'm becoming, though. So I'm going back to being myself, authentic. I'm who I am, regardless of how other people perceive me. Another valuable lesson I recently learned is that I don't always have to explain myself, and I shouldn't because by indulging in that I'm unable to be comfortable in my own skin. How can I grow into being a comfortable and confident person if I'm conditioning myself in that way? Part of being authentic is changing as I change and accepting myself for who I am. I'm a girl, but I'm one of the guys. Most of my friends are guys, and I connect more with guys. I love the people I attract and the friendships I form, and they develop because of who I am. It would be nice if I was seen as more than just a guy, though. Every once in a while, it would be nice if someone said, "you're pretty." I feel like who I am is ingrained so deeply within me that not even random guys come up and hit on me because of the energy I give off. That's a little depressing, but it bothers me less now because I'm focusing on the other aspects. Plus, it didn't hurt that I was complimented by a carful of guys.

I had a life changing experience. I became more connected to who I am and discovered a lot about myself. I trusted myself. I tried something new. I realized what I need to do to relieve myself of stressful burdens. I took the first step to achieving that goal. I saw nature differently. I've entered a new chapter in my life. I made some new friends. Some things changed for me, and some things didn't. I managed to neutralize or overcome my incessant thoughts that normally bombard me, well a little bit. Baby steps!

The people I bonded the most with, my friends, are guys. They talked openly like I wasn't there and wasn't a girl. The guys were all fake gay flirty, which is just such a signature friend trait for me. I actually feel closer with guys when I see them do that. It's because so many friendships I've developed possess that, so I have this positive association to it. It's like when you smell fresh pastries, and it reminds you of your childhood. It's comforting. We had some good laughs, too, such as losing my rock climbing virginity experience.

That rock fucked me in more ways than one. Damn, that rock was fucking hard and erect. It was painful as it always is for the first time. I got hurt and was even bleeding. I didn't know what I was doing and needed guidance. I needed to slow down and have a gentler experience. I got sandwiched. I didn't know how to spread my legs. I didn't know what to do with my hands. My hands were sweating, and I was nervous. It was an exhilarating experience that I'll never forget. It made me want to come back for more. I talked about it for a while after the experience, and I'm still thinking about it. It made me scream. It was a major stress reliever.

Oh yeah, and I wasn't a klutz during the rock climbing or anything dangerous. But as we were leaving, I slipped and fell on a rock on my ass. I also walked my head into the top of the car. It's like I suppressed my clumsiness during the dangerous parts, and once it was over, it came back! It wouldn't be a signature me experience without something ironic like that, though, right?

Confidence is Sexy

I was talking to my friend about dating, relationships, asking people out, and things within that context. I was stunned to discover by my ex-boyfriend, no less, who became my wingman (it just gets weirder as the relationship evolves - friends, ex, wingman, who knows what else) that "Do you want to go out for coffee?" is code for asking someone out on a date. I've been asked that before, but I respond with I don't like coffee. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to spending time with the guy, but I prefer tea. The guy usually goes away before I can get to that part of the conversation. I don't agree with this method, but I think it's important to be aware of it. Had I have known what it meant, I would've responded differently.

My friend thought that coffee was too casual. None of us like the indirect approach. We began talking about different methods some people use. Another friend of mine wrote a note to a girl in class and successfully scored a date. It's apparently about using the right approach for the right girl. This girl was flattered by the idea that my friend took such measures and felt important. I, however, won't be impressed by a guy who can't bring himself to talk to me. I'm a communicator. That's how I interact. Besides, I'm not going to agree to a date with a guy who's voice I haven't even heard who's in the same class as me! My friend also agreed that that approach doesn't feel right. And I think he put it beautifully. Confidence is sexy.

Confidence is sexy. I never made the connection before, but it feels like I always knew this. Some of the time I consider myself attractive. In fact, I know that if I wasn't so insecure, I would confidently describe myself as attractive. I'm tired of feeling guilty about seeing myself as pretty because there are other girls who are hotter than me. It's a stupid, unacceptable, and unhealthy reason to not embrace my beauty.

Even at my most beautiful (in my eyes), I've never considered myself sexy. I consider myself a sexual person, but I've never felt sexy. I have, but I'm working towards changing this towards I had, this impression that 'm not sexy, that I can't be sexy, because my boobs are tiny, I'm tiny, and I have no booty. I'm not usually such a bigoted person except when it comes to limiting myself.

Guys have called me sexy and the few who've seen the sexual side of me consider me to be a very sexual person. It almost seems inconsistent to be sexual and not sexy, but it's beginning to make sense. Confidence is sexy, and I'm not a confident person. Then again, some people perceive me as a confident person because of how I present myself. I used to be a ballet dancer who was criticized repeatedly for not lifting my head up. I became good at lifting my head up and having good posture. That exudes confidence, but it's only an impression, not a reality.

For some idiotic reason, I couldn't bring myself to put my head on my friend's shoulder even though we both wanted that. I only got close to him when he got close to me. I was a lot more confident when I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I'm confident of myself as a friend but not as something more. That insecurity is poison that isn't just toxic to me but to the people around me. I never fully understood this before. I want this for myself but also for the people around me. I only appear confident to people who don't know me, really know me. I appear confident to my friends. I appear confident to guys I've been with who I eventually trust after a very long time and begin feeling secure about myself but only through his eyes. I want this for myself. Now that I understand what sexy is, I believe I can someday achieve it. I look forward to it.

Living in the Moment #2

He'll never know how much he did for me. As far as he knows, as far as he feels, I just hurt him, and I was never satisfied with who he is. I wish there was a way to let him, to show him how wrong I was, how wrong he is. Something I've struggled my entire life finally penetrated me within a one month period of being with him, the way he opened up to me.

I've always been in my head. I let my past weigh me down and my future interfere with my ability to enjoy the here and now. I never really realized it, though. I was too busy focusing on the future that that was my present. I never opened my eyes to what's really here now, ever...until now. For that I thank him. I heard people talk about the value of living in the moment, but I never saw the appeal because I never saw what the present offered until someone showed me. By embracing it, life is more enjoyable. It made me more aware and dynamic. For someone so open-minded, I never realized how closed off I really was, still really am, but I'm working on it.

Living in the moment reduces my stress load significantly. It used to frustrate and upset me when people told me to stop stressing. It was condescending and annoying because I didn't know how to control it. Without providing instructions, it's just a giant reminder of my inability to do something that shouldn't be difficult to perform. I stress about the unknown. If I don't focus on it, it helps profoundly. It also neutralizes my stress appetite.

I also overthink a lot. It's another source of my stress, and it enables me to not deal with the present. That last sentence is enlightening, and I didn't realize it until I just typed it out. I believe my environment contributed to my future forethought thinking mentality, but I sustained it because it allowed me to escape where I was at the time. It was a safety mechanism that kept me intact, but it no longer serves a beneficial purpose. I have to let it go.

Overthinking prevents me from seeing what's in front of me. I can't focus because of it. It's a vicious cycle. I'm unable to learn productively because of it. I keep reviewing, reviewing, and reviewing that I'm not learning. That result stresses me. It surfaces and sustains my paranoia and insecurities, too. I'm objective enough that I don't need my paranoia to keep me sharp, but that's how I crutch on it. Overthinking protects me, but it also damages me. More importantly, it damages the people around me. I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on my paranoia to do it for me. It's the only way for me to find peace and learn from my mistakes.

Live in the moment

Wish List

25% of my Senses

I've been described as being overly logical. I can even argue that it was dangerously logical and emotionally disconnected, but I didn't see it that way because my behavior appeared so paradoxical. For such an overly logical person, I could act really emotionally irrational. As it turns out, I was overly logical until my emotion failed me. I never realized how detrimental it was to my well-being.

Being overly logical was a security measure to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. But no amount of protective barrier can prevent emotions from entering. Since I resisted so much and had so little practice managing it, I was unable to cope with it. It felt unbearable, not because it was but because of my perception and limited exposure and experience with it. Instead of experiencing all of it, the pain and the love, I continued to ignore the emotions and feelings until they weighed my logic down. I'd have panic attacks, struggle, take sedatives if I had any, and repeat the entire process. It was bad, but I never realized how much because this is all that I knew, all that I experienced. Some changes in my life forced a different approach on me.

I broke up with my long time six year boyfriend. It was one of the most natural, easy, and most difficult changes I've endured in my life. Before him I never escaped danger because that's where I lived. It's painful but natural to be thick-skinned and be used to the environment you're in no matter how hard it is. I never learned to sense and protect myself from it, which is rare and it made me feel left out. But I didn't concern myself with it. I was just glad to be protected from it. I no longer had that.

It's amazing how astute our intuition is in action if you let your body take over. It was intoxicating and liberating. It made me realize how suffocated I was before without even knowing it. I was drowning a part of me, and I had no idea. It's like waking up and realizing that you've only been using 25% of your senses your entire life. It's an enlightening and profound experience, but it's also terrifying in ways I can't express.

Every doubt and fear became amplified. My logic was no longer able to silence those insecurities like they once did. My fears felt equally real as the truth. How can both be true? I was too busy asking myself that that I didn't answer the question, which is that it can't be. So, which one is the truth and which one is the lie? Had I have asked myself that, things would've turned out differently. But I was too busy allowing myself to be overpowered to see things for the way they really are. Humans are emotional creatures who possess intellect, not the other way around.