Confidence is Sexy

I was talking to my friend about dating, relationships, asking people out, and things within that context. I was stunned to discover by my ex-boyfriend, no less, who became my wingman (it just gets weirder as the relationship evolves - friends, ex, wingman, who knows what else) that "Do you want to go out for coffee?" is code for asking someone out on a date. I've been asked that before, but I respond with I don't like coffee. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to spending time with the guy, but I prefer tea. The guy usually goes away before I can get to that part of the conversation. I don't agree with this method, but I think it's important to be aware of it. Had I have known what it meant, I would've responded differently.

My friend thought that coffee was too casual. None of us like the indirect approach. We began talking about different methods some people use. Another friend of mine wrote a note to a girl in class and successfully scored a date. It's apparently about using the right approach for the right girl. This girl was flattered by the idea that my friend took such measures and felt important. I, however, won't be impressed by a guy who can't bring himself to talk to me. I'm a communicator. That's how I interact. Besides, I'm not going to agree to a date with a guy who's voice I haven't even heard who's in the same class as me! My friend also agreed that that approach doesn't feel right. And I think he put it beautifully. Confidence is sexy.

Confidence is sexy. I never made the connection before, but it feels like I always knew this. Some of the time I consider myself attractive. In fact, I know that if I wasn't so insecure, I would confidently describe myself as attractive. I'm tired of feeling guilty about seeing myself as pretty because there are other girls who are hotter than me. It's a stupid, unacceptable, and unhealthy reason to not embrace my beauty.

Even at my most beautiful (in my eyes), I've never considered myself sexy. I consider myself a sexual person, but I've never felt sexy. I have, but I'm working towards changing this towards I had, this impression that 'm not sexy, that I can't be sexy, because my boobs are tiny, I'm tiny, and I have no booty. I'm not usually such a bigoted person except when it comes to limiting myself.

Guys have called me sexy and the few who've seen the sexual side of me consider me to be a very sexual person. It almost seems inconsistent to be sexual and not sexy, but it's beginning to make sense. Confidence is sexy, and I'm not a confident person. Then again, some people perceive me as a confident person because of how I present myself. I used to be a ballet dancer who was criticized repeatedly for not lifting my head up. I became good at lifting my head up and having good posture. That exudes confidence, but it's only an impression, not a reality.

For some idiotic reason, I couldn't bring myself to put my head on my friend's shoulder even though we both wanted that. I only got close to him when he got close to me. I was a lot more confident when I wasn't afraid of getting hurt. I'm confident of myself as a friend but not as something more. That insecurity is poison that isn't just toxic to me but to the people around me. I never fully understood this before. I want this for myself but also for the people around me. I only appear confident to people who don't know me, really know me. I appear confident to my friends. I appear confident to guys I've been with who I eventually trust after a very long time and begin feeling secure about myself but only through his eyes. I want this for myself. Now that I understand what sexy is, I believe I can someday achieve it. I look forward to it.

Living in the Moment #2

He'll never know how much he did for me. As far as he knows, as far as he feels, I just hurt him, and I was never satisfied with who he is. I wish there was a way to let him, to show him how wrong I was, how wrong he is. Something I've struggled my entire life finally penetrated me within a one month period of being with him, the way he opened up to me.

I've always been in my head. I let my past weigh me down and my future interfere with my ability to enjoy the here and now. I never really realized it, though. I was too busy focusing on the future that that was my present. I never opened my eyes to what's really here now, ever...until now. For that I thank him. I heard people talk about the value of living in the moment, but I never saw the appeal because I never saw what the present offered until someone showed me. By embracing it, life is more enjoyable. It made me more aware and dynamic. For someone so open-minded, I never realized how closed off I really was, still really am, but I'm working on it.

Living in the moment reduces my stress load significantly. It used to frustrate and upset me when people told me to stop stressing. It was condescending and annoying because I didn't know how to control it. Without providing instructions, it's just a giant reminder of my inability to do something that shouldn't be difficult to perform. I stress about the unknown. If I don't focus on it, it helps profoundly. It also neutralizes my stress appetite.

I also overthink a lot. It's another source of my stress, and it enables me to not deal with the present. That last sentence is enlightening, and I didn't realize it until I just typed it out. I believe my environment contributed to my future forethought thinking mentality, but I sustained it because it allowed me to escape where I was at the time. It was a safety mechanism that kept me intact, but it no longer serves a beneficial purpose. I have to let it go.

Overthinking prevents me from seeing what's in front of me. I can't focus because of it. It's a vicious cycle. I'm unable to learn productively because of it. I keep reviewing, reviewing, and reviewing that I'm not learning. That result stresses me. It surfaces and sustains my paranoia and insecurities, too. I'm objective enough that I don't need my paranoia to keep me sharp, but that's how I crutch on it. Overthinking protects me, but it also damages me. More importantly, it damages the people around me. I have to learn to trust myself and not rely on my paranoia to do it for me. It's the only way for me to find peace and learn from my mistakes.

Live in the moment

Wish List

25% of my Senses

I've been described as being overly logical. I can even argue that it was dangerously logical and emotionally disconnected, but I didn't see it that way because my behavior appeared so paradoxical. For such an overly logical person, I could act really emotionally irrational. As it turns out, I was overly logical until my emotion failed me. I never realized how detrimental it was to my well-being.

Being overly logical was a security measure to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. But no amount of protective barrier can prevent emotions from entering. Since I resisted so much and had so little practice managing it, I was unable to cope with it. It felt unbearable, not because it was but because of my perception and limited exposure and experience with it. Instead of experiencing all of it, the pain and the love, I continued to ignore the emotions and feelings until they weighed my logic down. I'd have panic attacks, struggle, take sedatives if I had any, and repeat the entire process. It was bad, but I never realized how much because this is all that I knew, all that I experienced. Some changes in my life forced a different approach on me.

I broke up with my long time six year boyfriend. It was one of the most natural, easy, and most difficult changes I've endured in my life. Before him I never escaped danger because that's where I lived. It's painful but natural to be thick-skinned and be used to the environment you're in no matter how hard it is. I never learned to sense and protect myself from it, which is rare and it made me feel left out. But I didn't concern myself with it. I was just glad to be protected from it. I no longer had that.

It's amazing how astute our intuition is in action if you let your body take over. It was intoxicating and liberating. It made me realize how suffocated I was before without even knowing it. I was drowning a part of me, and I had no idea. It's like waking up and realizing that you've only been using 25% of your senses your entire life. It's an enlightening and profound experience, but it's also terrifying in ways I can't express.

Every doubt and fear became amplified. My logic was no longer able to silence those insecurities like they once did. My fears felt equally real as the truth. How can both be true? I was too busy asking myself that that I didn't answer the question, which is that it can't be. So, which one is the truth and which one is the lie? Had I have asked myself that, things would've turned out differently. But I was too busy allowing myself to be overpowered to see things for the way they really are. Humans are emotional creatures who possess intellect, not the other way around.

Meaningful Messages

Quotes are such cliques at times, but sometimes there's truth to be found in them. Depending on where I am in life, different quotes have varyingly powerful effects on me. These two are the most profound ones at the moment.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

Fate determines who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

I'm not actually in love with someone, but I was so guarded and protective of myself that I didn't see things for the way they are. I was afraid that he was going to hurt me that I didn't trust him. I've been questioning a lot about fate and destiny lately, so the last quote gives me some clarity and peace of mind.

Second Chances

I made a mistake, one that I honestly think I could quite possibly regret for the rest of my life. The idea of looking back years later, saddened by how badly I sabotaged things is depressing. I was never one to believe in second chances. I've always been ruthlessly critical. In fact, that was my demise in this relationship. But I finally get it. I used to think that people never deserved second chances, which is why I never gave them one. But the people who should be given second chances are rarely the ones that deserve it, which is why they should be offered that opportunity. I'm not saying that I deserve it. I can't make that call because it's not my place. But I am becoming more open-minded, aware, and compassionate. I feel bad that it required a self-invested interest for me to understand it. But rather than waste my energy feeling guilty, I'd rather learn from this lesson.

Live in the moment. I don't always have to explain myself. As desirable as it is at times, only by learning this lesson will I be comfortable in my own skin. So long as I explain myself to others when it's not necessary, regardless of my motives, it prevents me from being comfortable with myself. After all, how can I be comfortable in my own skin if I'm constantly defending myself? For someone who never cared about what other people think of me, I made a lot of effort to portray a certain image according to my standard. As it turns out, I'm not concerned with what people think of me. So, why is it that I've never been comfortable in my own skin? Because I'm overly concerned with what I think of myself to a ruthless standard. I never realized the damage and implication it has on the people I care about. I project this standard onto others. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was never aware of what I was doing.

I'm grateful for the lessons he's taught me in ways he'll never understand even if we were still in contact. He's taught me a lot about myself and about life. Here I thought that it was important that I go out with someone who lives on his own so that he can be at the same place I am in life because there are certain experiences you can only gain by being independent. As it turns out, I was the one who needed to gain experiences. I just wish I could've been able to discover all this without hurting him, without losing him. I understand that these things happen and is sometimes necessary, but I'm still saddened by it. I hope I get a second chance with him. At the very least, I hope there's a way for him to find out how I really feel about him.

Living in the Moment

The beauty and sadness of living in the moment is that you truly live in the moment for all that it is, all of it and nothing else. By living exactly in the moment you get to experience and feel everything. It's intoxicating. By not concerning yourself with the consequences, future fears, or past torments, there are no burdens hindering you, nothing but an exhilarating moment waiting to be experienced for all that it is. And yet the pain about living in the moment is that as fulfilling as it is at that moment, when it passes, it's gone. That's it. No looking back. It makes it easier to be taken over by your emotions if you're willing to surrender. But if you're not, then you're forever hiding in the shadows right next to the moment, envious, bitter, and too shy to embrace all that it can offer you until it leaves. Nothing left but a dead carcass at the end. That is why every moment should be lived to the fullest in that exact moment and time because as quickly as it came, it can be gone. Live in the moment. Each one is given for a reason except to ignore it. Embrace it. Live it. Experience it.