Why It's So Hard to Accept

What makes letting him go so difficult is the very true reality that if I didn't deliberately sabotage what we had, it could've worked. I mean really worked. I've never felt such fear and certainty about a single source. In the past I would require clarification because I truly didn't trust people, but this time around, I needed clarification because I wanted to make sure that the floating sense that was trust was appropriate as if it can be defined in that sort of way. I've never looked within myself before. I always sought external sources, and I was doing that again, but he was trying to teach me to trust myself. Instead of realizing that he was trying to lead me to myself, I took his obscurity as a deliberate technique to absolve any responsibility. I totally ignored the reality that as my friend, he wouldn't betray me like that.

I've never looked within myself, let alone trusted myself. When I was exposed to it (myself), I saw and felt that I do have the ability to uncover the mysteries I seek in others to provide me with. But I was afraid of the idea of being accountable for them. If others lied to me, it's their fault. If I believe the wrong thing, I would be forced to transfer the same treatment onto others on myself, basically blame myself. That logic is severely flawed and one I want to explore at a later time.

My point is that my fear to trust myself stopped me from embracing the relationship for what it was. I prepared myself as though I was wrong already but took it out on him, as though he did something wrong. He put a lot of effort into opening up to me, something he rarely does. He shared with me things that he didn't share with others and because it seemed clique, I accused him of being dishonest. It was so unfair to him; I was unfair to him. The more he tried to help me, the more I attacked him. I pushed and pushed until the thread broke.

I kept focusing on all the things that made us different, that makes couples incompatible, while failing to realize how much we had in common. Even the things that separate us made us closer. The things that usually break relationships because of their differences were factors that weren't really at play for us. They were so superficial.

For the first time, I felt what someone felt for me. It was intense and sincere in ways I could've never imagined. I can't believe I thought that I didn't matter to him considering all of that. But it makes me wonder how much I really meant to him if we can't even be friends. Then again, maybe that's why we can't be friends because the feelings are still there. If the feelings are still there, it makes me wonder how much is repairable. It's incredible how powerful my words can be. I know that I'm an influential person, but I think I fail to realize the impact I can have because I don't have the same experience. So I couldn't know. It kills me to think that I was the one who made him feel that way about me and equally lose interest in me. I keep thinking that if I had it in me to attract him, I could do it again. But that's not the point is it? And this is all assuming that it's true.

I just wanted to get it off of my chest that it's hard to accept because I know how much he felt for me. Does something like that just disappear? If it does, how significant was I to him? If it doesn't, then is there hope? The problem with this mentality is that I run in circles and never complete the thought. At the end it doesn't matter. Yes, I feel awful. But I'm doing the same thing now. I'm not actually expressing what I feel. I can change how I feel about him about as much as I can change the circumstance. It is what it is. More importantly, it is not what it is not.

My Chinese Horoscope of the Day

"You are full of creative energy and vigor today. You may decide to take up painting, drawing or a musical instrument. It will be relaxing and will help you connect with something you felt was lost a long time ago."

Do I really believe in these things? No, it's so commercialized and I do believe that we make our own destiny. I also believe that we're meant to do certain things in life. But with each action there is a consequence. What could've been sometimes will never be because of the choices and actions we make. That's something I have to accept. But I like this one.

Frankly, I don't feel like I'm full of creative energy or vigor. I feel lethargic from the night before and mostly dead in feeling. I just woke up, after all....Well, actually I woke up at 7 am to get my facebook fix :), but then I crashed...Sometimes I'm so pathetic. I like the idea of finding a creative outlet relaxing, although I find the idea of anything relaxing me....Too bad I blew $100 on dinner last night. I was so good about not blowing my money away for months. Oh well....

Emotions Outside of my Realm

I feel like I'm not feeling what I should feel because I'm protected from it by an invisible bubble. It's the best analogy I can come up with. I feel a hint of mild depression and weakening resistance. I know it's coming from me, but it feels external. It's weird. Maybe my subconscious is trying to protect me from the overwhelming emotions I would be exposed to by sheltering me from it. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I want to be aware of it because so many of my personal issues are more ingrained in me than I've originally realized. It may sometimes be apparent to others, but it isn't to me. I may have felt it at one point, but it becomes like background noise. Something I should be aware of just becomes something I learn to ignore or cope with when I shouldn't. So I want to not necessarily focus on these feelings but be aware that they're there.

I Feel How I Feel

Why is it easier on some days? What triggers these feelings? How come sometimes I feel fine and in an instant, I get bummed out. I don't understand how this works. I know I'm not over him, which makes no sense to me. But I'm starting to think that it's not meant to. I've exhausted myself trying to over-analyze that with excruciating abandon. I've finally accepted that I don't understand it. Every so often I return to my over-thinking nature out of habit and sometimes as an escape mechanism, but deep down I'm starting to realize that the hidden answer, assuming it even exists, doesn't really matter. I just have to reach a point where I fully accept that. I'm making progress, though. That's something. I'm trapped in a parallel unsure how to proceed. For a while I did dive into a bunch of things, overworking, over-socializing, sleep-deprivation, all as a way to feel less. I'm no longer doing that, and I'm able to function. I don't try to not think about him. So sometimes I forget how much I'm not over him. I hate how my mind plays tricks on me, but I suppose I should be grateful. I don't think I can handle being aware all the time. But I don't get it. If I can go without thinking about him and being okay, then why am I not over him? If I'm not over him, how come I feel fine? I don't want to return to being emotionally insane, but at least that made sense. I guess I need to work on accepting how I feel. After all, I feel how I feel.

The Quote that Truly Touched Me

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I used to do things that made people describe me as daring and impulsive, but the truth is that I'm a VERY good planner. I even plan things that appear spontaneous. I'm always blabbing that I think people fail to realize that it's usually my idea to do something completely insane! As long as it's on my terms and I plan for EVERYTHING, I'm okay with it.

I never actually realized how closed off I am before until someone brought it to my attention. He's a really guarded person, so it really opened my eyes to how I really am. I'm not that good at reading people, so I never really understood any of this before. I just thought I did. When AJ became less guarded around me, I didn't really notice until I was told so. I never noticed before that he was guarded until I saw the contrast. I'm so different from him that I would've never guessed that I had my own version of guardedness. I never really knew that different kinds of guardedness existed, although it makes sense that it does.

I know that how I feel for the most part is transparent because of how people react around me and the comments they make towards me. That led me to believe that I'm an open person, but that's not true. I can't contain how I feel; I don't know how to. As a result, it becomes exposed. There aren't too many things I know how to hold in, but those things I never really reveal. I'm a guarded, closed-off person by nature but not an ability I've learned to harness like AJ's.

The first time I've ever felt exposed and vulnerable, my emotions poured out of me but not by choice. I tried to hold in as much as I can for fears I can't even articulate or even perceive. I pushed away the one first person who was exposing me to who I am, the raw truth I didnt' even know I was hiding from myself. In my mind even though I never really admitted it to myself and even though this is the "truth" I was willing to share with myself, I kept fearing that I would be rejected for what I want, how I feel, and who I am. But the real truth is that I feared being accepted for what I want, how I feel, and who I am.

I've never been comfortable outside of my natural element. I like being in control, feeling in control, being able to call the shots, all the unhealthy desires that cling to us for all of the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to be pushed into a direction you're afraid of going in order to acheive something great. Sometimes you need an external force to make that happen. I was so afraid of taking that step, but I withdrew completely until that force and everything about it disappeared. All I could think when it was there was how I wanted to escape. Now that it's gone, I realized how wrong I was. In retrospect, it makes no sense that I was afraid. But without that experience, I would've never believed it. That's why this quote touched me so much.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

~Thanks for sharing this quote. It's one thing to have an experience and remember it, but it's another thing when you find a quote that encompasses how you feel. There's something about a written manifestation of it that makes it more real.

Our Paths in Life

I believe that we're all meant to be somewhere at any given time. But I also firmly believe that we don't always go where we're supposed to. However, every action has a consequence. You may have taken the wrong path when you began that road. But by taking that road, you've changed the course. Now you're meant to be on the new path. The hardest part about this is leaving the past behind you, accepting that you'll never know what could've been, that in life you'll be plagued with unfinished realities. Sometimes all you can do is look to the future and leave the past behind you if you ever expect to move forward. But how the Hell do you do that?

I Figured It Out

I was told that I fell in love with him, which seemed like the craziest thing to say. For the first time I was exposed, vulnerable, fragile, and unprotected. Who I am and what I felt wasn't concealed. It took our relationship to a place I never knew existed. He means more to me than he'll ever know. That'll never change. It's because of this that I care so much for him. Do I have feelings for him? Absolutely. I didn't want things to end; I just wasn't ready to deal with my emotions, my feelings. I want to be with him in spite of how I reacted. So I'm still living in the past.

It doesn't mean that I fell in love with him. I had this indescribable sense of calmness, openness, and vulnerability towards him, which made me receptive to what he was teaching me - living in the moment. My friend believes that I was open to it all because I was in love with him. That's why he believes that no one else has ever been successful where he was. I personally think that that undermines the personal transformation I'VE undergone. I wasn't receptive before because I wasn't ready, not because of something external. But I do believe that I've been lying, hiding the truth from myself.

What my friend picked up on wasn't feelings I have for him now but feelings I couldn't had for him. I felt its presence, and it seemed paradoxically natural but out of place. That's because I believe those feelings weren't meant to be there yet. But they were, which made everything intense and confusing. I felt everything and so much of it all at the same time. It was emotional sensory overload. I've never been good at handling everything at once, but that's because I try to reject some of it. It doesn't work that way.

In retrospect, I should've known this. I kept saying he's not the one, he's not the one. Even I know he's not the one. Who was I trying to convince saying it over and over? I kept repeating myself not because I believed it (quite the opposite), but as one of my methods to reject what I was feeling. The truth is I think I knew he was the one, the one I could've fallen in love with. That means even more exposure and vulnerability. That's a frightening idea. I couldn't handle it.

To a certain degree I believed it when I told myself that I knew he wasn't the one. Having a bigoted idea of what that meant made it morebelievable, too. He's so different and not my usual type. He's the last person you'd expect me with. So there was an element of believability, although it wasn't very powerful. After all I needed to keep reminding myself that he wasn't the one.

There was an internal conflict going on because I felt what I felt and knew what I knew. The two concepts don't merge. That's because I was so closed-minded. I have this perceived notion of how things are. Here I thought I was so open-minded when in reality I suffer from the same social conditionings that limit so many others. Mine is more damaging than I realized. It sabotaged me from taking a chance to be with someone, I mean really be with someone who changed my life because he was the one.