"I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me." Do I want to lie? Of course not. But what else is there to do? I'm not going to cry about how it turned out, about what didn't happen, or dwell about what could've been. I have two choices. Let it all out, which is probably more therapeutic but runs the risk of turning into a perpetual cycle. Plus, I have an addictive personality. I don't want to be in pain. So why would I intentionally expose myself to it? It's not like socializing and just hanging out with my friends mean that I'm suppressing the truth. I'm just not focusing on it. Why become a depressed burden? I figured fake it til then...but guess what? Fail...epic fail!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to feel it, but I do. I don't want to become a depressed burden, but that's the natural coarse. Suppression, apparently, comes in many forms. Faking it til then doesn't work. If you lie to yourself long enough, even though you'll never truly believe it, your brain gets wired all wonky with these mixed signals of being "okay" with conflict thoughts and feelings. So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tarot Card of the Day
The Hanged Man
This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.
I do feel like I spent the majority of my life only focusing on the smaller details. I'm such a dynamic person and see everything that I never realized that I never took everything in, the curse of abundance. It gives the illusion of a dynamic perspective when they're just distractions. I'm desperate for a different perspective. Very rarely do I ever passive accept things. But, as a result, I never feel in control. Recently I've discovered the value and necessity of surrendering control and making myself vulnerable. I need it for personal growth and to connect with others.
What's Been Here All Along
It's incredible what's become aware to me recently. I'm noticing so much more things now than before. But I have a retrospective view, so I'm realizing that all of these things were always there. I just never knew, but it doesn't mean that it wasn't there.
I didn't think I was attractive, so I never noticed when other people did. I'm noticing it now. It's amazing how enlightening self-awareness can be. I've always believed that I'm unique, different, and memorable because I feel like I contrast from other people. I don't mean it in a cocky way, but it's the truth. Although I believed this, I never really knew this. So I was always so shocked when people remembered me and talk about me like I've made such an impression.
I feel like external forces, as it usually does in my case, had to be shifted drastically in order for me to look within myself. That's what led to this higher awareness, but it's the feedback from others that are making what I know more real. I feel like I have this muted, soft energy I'm releasing that people are responding to. I'm touched by the people I'm attracting into my life, but I want to learn how to brighten up on my own light and see what others feel internally without the necessary presence of others. It's still nice knowing, though, that people care about me, think about me, feel that I've made an impression in their lives, and that they find me an attractive.
Tarot Card of the Day: Strength
Strength
Strength is a card of courage, determination and inner might. You are in a position to deal with whatever comes your way. You have reached a position of influence and no longer need to force your beliefs upon others. You are aware of the temptations that exist, but your ability to resist them is strong. Be careful not to take advantage of your power or risk becoming abusive and destructive. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts.
This seems appropriate. I feel like I'm constantly defending my position and my intentions to people who already have an adamant pre-judgment of me that I most likely can't persuade. Sometimes I find that it requires more strength to be silent than to voice your opinions. I'm finally becoming comfortable with the idea of not forcing people to believe me. The temptation definitely exists and is strong, but I'm stronger. I agree that it's possible I can be abusive or destructive, although I'm not sure how in this case....It's always good to be conscientious, though. It's so important that I listen to my inner voice and trust my instincts. I've been doing that lately, and it works wonders!
My Past Still Haunts Me
There was a girl who incapacitated my growth in security and self-confidence because I let her. There were other girls there, too, and she isn't even the only one. But I was most affected by her for a number of factors that I frankly don't want to elaborate on. She put effort into making me feel inferior and inadequate, but she also in a perverse way respected me. I knew that because she totally saved my ass when I got jumped, and she had nothing to gain from helping me out. She wanted my life, my boyfriend, and my friends, but she never talked about it. So it wasn't to gain the upper hand. I was always so conflicted about her because her ability to be such a malicious person was equaled by her compassion. I can honestly say that she is a better person than me, but being fucked up is a part of her identity. I'm not fucked up. Well, not like her, anyways.
I don't feel happy that she's suffering, but I do experience a sense of relief, to know that she pains like the rest of us. She's so attractive and has resources I could never imagine. It was easy to feel so insignificant around her. I envied her because I thought she was immune to things that plague me. I feel for her when I see that she's suffering. It's twisted that I feel better about myself when I know this. I found her to be so intangible, and it's humbling to know that I can relate to someone so fierce.
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison
Being a Pretty Girl
I actually feel uncomfortable with that title. It's weird. I do feel like I'm a pretty girl. But I feel uncomfortable admitting it to myself and especially writing it out. I'll express my feelings on paper without difficulty, but the idea of thinking that I'm attractive makes me feel inadequate and guilty. Don't nobody better comment that I'm ugly cuz I'm not in the fucking mood! I don't usually give a fuck about what people think, but if someone says that I'm ugly, I take it personally. It's not because their opinion matters to me, but it's because it almost confirms what my paranoia tells me. It's myself that I'm afraid of.
I don't know why I let something so trivial and vain get to me. It doesn't make sense. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So who cares what others think? Even more so, I do actually think I'm pretty. I just need to feel comfortable with how I feel. I mean, seriously, because I look at other girls who aren't as attractive as me and know they're pretty. I also know that if I was someone else and saw me I would think I'm pretty. So, why do I feel so guilty about how I feel? Isn't it good to feel attractive? I mean even if you aren't, it's a healthy position to have.
Most of my life no one thought I was pretty. I had a haircut that made people think I was a boy. Even after that, people used to cap on me. My mom used to actually take offense when people said I looked like her because she finds herself to be so much hotter. I hate to admit it, but it's true. These thoughts are so stupid and petty that I hate admitting it, but it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel. I'm starting to realize that it's important that I'm aware and accept how I feel no matter what. I need to be honest with myself.
I've finally reached a point in my point where people consider me attractive and respond to me differently as a result. I'm still self-conscious as Hell, but I conceal it now. I fake it when I smile, talk, and carry myself in a way confident people do. I think that makes people respond differently towards me. I attract a different kind of energy. For the first time in years, I'm actually attracting people. It's amazing and trippy to me.
Attraction has such a powerful effect. It makes people respond differently. I have the power to make people feel threatened by my presence. No wonder I've been so affected by it. It's frustrating. When I was younger, people tormented me because I wasn't pretty. Now that I'm older I feel like I'm being punished because I am. It's made me realize that it doesn't matter how I look. My life would suck one way or another, but how it would suck just depends. So I am might as well feel good about myself.
Lately people have found me attractive and hit on me. I have more estranged friendships than I'd like to admit because their girlfriends don't like me because I'm pretty. I feel like being myself makes people dislike me. My friend, Mike, just had this talk with me after hearing me rant about how upset I am by the pre-judgments people have of me. He told me that being an attractive, petite girl is going to make people respond to me differently. Why does it have to feel like a curse?
I'm treated differently. I was rushing to get on the bus, but I wanted to buy my ticket first. The driver waited for me, and I was so grateful. A woman smiled and said, "Just cuz you're pretty?" I found it insulting and condescending, but I wonder how much truth there was to that. Regardless I think that woman was a bitter bitch for unnecessarily running her mouth. What point did that serve? I do get discounts at farmer's markets, too.
I've always been judged for how I look. I'm small, so people see me as an easy target. Too many people have made the mistake of trying to jump me. Too many people think they can just push me over when the truth is I'm the last bitch anyone should be messing with! I was seen as insiginificant and unthreatening, even less important, because I'm a girl at the taco truck today.
People were standing in line, and some guys let this big dude cut in front of them because he looked buff. I was about to start running my mouth when another girl spoke her mind about the very concerns I had but with more eloquence and calmness than I could've conveyed. She and I didn't find it acceptable that we're getting cut because we're not a guy, as though we aren't worth it. WTF? So I guess what I'm saying is that there are consequences to being a pretty girl....
Rebound Dating
I was telling a friend of mine about what happened with the last guy I was with and how it didn't work out. She suggested that I start dating again, which seemed like such an out of place advice coming from her. Everyone warns everyone to never take her advice on love. When I told the guy I was with something in relation to her (and he's only met her once, although he can read people), he became so serious and told me to never take her advice on relationships. She practically comes with a warning label! But it makes me wonder if this time her advice is sage because it sounds so different from her usual insights. It was advice that sounded so much like hers that made it inadvisable.
To a certain extent I discarded her advice while considering it for more time than I would've entertained in the past. Rebound dates aren't my thing. I was coerced into it once. I went out with a guy named Eric for years, and my rebound date's name was Derek. I didn't say the wrong name because I wasn't over Eric; it was out of habit. Mind you, of course, that was a nightmare waiting to happen. But the idea of using someone else to relieve my emotional torment about someone who is no longer in my life seems cruel and insensitive. I just can't do it.
More importantly, I've recently realized how unsuccessful implementing distraction is. It doesn't work. I had five jobs and attempted a social life. I'm still not over him. I've always struggled painfully getting over relationships, while I saw people around me moving on more quickly through rebound dating. I still, nonetheless, stayed away from it. It's because that's the right thing for me. I've had to learn to accept that sometimes the right thing for me requires me to go through more agony and pain than others do. But it is what it is.
Rebound dating is not for me. I wouldn't only feel right about it, which means that I wouldn't benefit from it. But I'm also too insecure about it. I would worry about how it would karmically effect me. Plus I could never allow a rebound date to become serious even if it can be. I'm trying to break my cycle of self-sabotaged relationships. On the flip side, if nothing can come of it, I would think it's a waste of time. I am glad that I considered it, though, because it makes me feel like I understand myself better now.
Rebound dating would essentially be another form of what I normally do, distract myself instead of dealing with what's in front of me. It'll be painful, but I never seem to be able to escape anything anyways. I might as well face it. Besides, I don't know myself. My friend, Erik, once told me that he knows I present this strong sense of self, but he also knows that it's bullshit. At first I took offense until I realized that it was true. I don't know myself because I'm so emotionally-disconnected. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate that cycle, which means I have to deal with how I feel. The only way I'm going to get a handle on things is by feeling everything so that I can deal with it no matter how long the recovery time is.
I realized that by distracting myself it makes it a little easier until my feelings and emotions surface, which it inevitably will. Since so much was doormat, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'd rather not have a shock trauma. I can't discover who I am if I'm hiding a part of myself. I can't move on if I'm lying to myself. I can't discover who I am if I do something that isn't authentic to me.
But I really appreciate what my friend told me in ways I could never express. It made me put considerable thought into what she said. I may not have ultimately taken her advice, but I like the brainstorm that came out of it. I like that I have the ability to think dynamically about these things. Initially, I thought it was insensitive to suggest rebound dating because it would totally screw the other person over. I didn't tell it to her like that because I didn't think about it at the time. I was just surprised that it came out of her mouth. She said, "Well if it makes you feel better...."
I really liked that. Sometimes being a friend means wanting the best for them even if it’s not the best for others. Life is all about choices. What we want is always going to upset someone somewhere, so our priorities should be ourselves. It's not meant to be insensitive to others, but it's reality. It's likely that someone will be bothered especially if it involves me because I'm very headstrong. She showed me that what's most important to her is me. I really appreciate that. It wasn't long ago that I would've only looked at the big picture. That's such a robotic, inhuman approach. I feel differently now.