The Root of my OCD

I was actually having an intriguing conversation with my cousin about our OCD. I used to consider it mild, but that's not accurate. There are people who are worse than me, but it has the ability to consume me. I've touched on it lightly in my past notes, but I feel like I have more elaborate insight after bonding with her. My OCD manifests in repetition and exactness. I have a particular interest in things going exactly where I believe they should be; it's a control issue, which makes sense considering how my life is. Everything's chaotic, unpredictable, full of drama, and it feels like so much spirals out of control. I have to do something to give me a sense of control and stability. The rigidity also makes tolerating the unexpectedness that occurs in my life and the stress that follows more challenging, but it still offers a false sense of security and placement. I, either, have to learn how to move with the changes and flows of my life like water or find ways to manage with the constant change. I think OCD has been the second coping mechanism for my life, and it's failed me. The idea of adapting when I've lived life so rigidly makes me feel like it's implausible, but I could say that about a lot of changes I've made recently.

You can't remove an obsession; you have to replace it. But that isn't to say that you can't channel it differently and alter the concentration or variation of it. People who do repetitive tasks apparently do it because it calms them from the thoughts and feelings they experience. My OCD almost acts as a way for me to not deal with my emotions, which explains why I started developing manic tendencies as I indulged less in my OCD. The only way I feel I can manage this productively is by relying less on my OCD. By practicing and exposing myself to the unpredictabilities of life, I'll do a better job accepting and adapting to what happens to me. That should help me emotionally, too. But the only way to help myself emotionally is by exposing myself to it, something I've spent so long avoiding. As I become better at dealing with it, I'll hopefully stabilize.

I don't want to rid myself of my OCD, which is good because I can't even if I wanted to. But I don't want it to control me. I want to channel it to my benefit. It could be used wisely, and it's a part of who I am. I don't want to get rid of that, but I want to better myself as a person, too. The key is to understanding the root of my OCD. Thanks for the insights, lil cousin!

I Don't Want to Crash

Just recently, on Thursday, I got incredibly sick. Fortunately, I recovered quickly, but I got incredibly sick. I had sun poison, allergies, a fever, nerve pain, and an ocular migraine all rolled into one. I just had a conversation with my friend who told me to be careful and slow down because I don't want to crash. Everything's just been weighing down on me, and I guess the stress finally hit me. I bounced back quickly, but I'm a lot more sluggish now.

I've always considered myself a good person, but I've began evolving. I'm less self-involved now, even though I have a lot more to work on. I'm able to help the people around me, and it's an amazing feeling. It's a reflection of who I am, the fact that people come to me to open up and seek advice. It's me who helps them, so they return. I love that feeling, knowing that I've helped them, knowing that I can help them. But lately I feel like as I help others, a part of me dies.

I bring the people around me closer to their goals, their dreams, and that's amazing. But it seems like I can help everyone around me except myself. Why is that? How does that work? How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I do help myself when I help others. It's altruistically satisfying, but I feel like I don't have any me moments or me successes.

I started living and working in an environment that require me to help others. It sort of took form in me. I'm so busy doing that that I have no time for anything else. I hate it when I hear people say that they have no time to clean or crap like that. If you don't have time, make time! It's not that I don't have time, but I have no interest in making my goals and dreams a reality anymore. I invest so much energy into others that I'm exhausted, which is ironic with this move coming up. I have friends who are putting in the effort to help me out, and all I can do is trip out because I'm not feeling self-fulfilled.

I got evicted. Money issues are arising. School is a constant conflict in my life. I'm emotionally-drained and numb from feeling everything. I feel overworked and dead inside. I recently had a good talk with my friend who had this heartfelt message for me. He was seriously concerned about me and reminded me that I don't want to crash. I have to find a way to calm down and stress less because I'm going to get sick, look weak, and feel defeated. Just being exposed to it, he knows that I don't want to live that life. I'm living a lot closer to it than I realize is what I'm sensing from the talk I had with him. He doesn't want that for me. Sometimes I think that he doesn't want that for me more than I do, and it's my life. This should be way more important to me than in him, but I can't help it! I'm too tired. But that's the point. I have to change my life around, so I will care. After all, I don't want to crash.

Not Always as They Appear

Things aren't always as they appear, but sometimes that's the point. How are any of us supposed to learn from our misperceptions without making errors here and there? We have to experience some mistakes so that we can recognize them in the future. Without that exposure, we won't be able to make distinctions. We also learn to deal with, accept, and manage disappointments by living it. When things aren't as they appear, our perception, our world gets shattered. We have to learn to live in a world we thought was otherwise different in some way. We have to re-learn and rediscover even the most basic of things, just to get used to life again. To be honest, I'm not sure what this is about. I was reviewing my old drafts. I have so many thoughts I want to express and I don't have nearly as much time as people think I have. I wanted to publish these drafts before my memory and emotions tied to these notes began to fade. I can't remember what this note was about specifically, but the feelings I have resonate still. I wonder about what, though.

Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin

AJ tried to teach me the value of being comfortable in my own skin. I'm aware that there's value in being comfortable, but I don't think I ever understood it before. I don't think I still do. But since its importance has been emphasized to me, I'm starting to see circumstances where being comfortable in my own skin will be of significance.

I hate feeling insecure about myself. I hate incessant thoughts that haunt me. They prevent me from feeling secure about myself, even when they shouldn't, even when I don't believe it. But that's not even the point. Attraction is subjective. I think it's important that everyone feels secure, comfortable, and confident in themselves regardless of aesthetics. I'm not talking from experience, but I imagine the confidence is amazing.

There's so much in life that I don't appreciate because I'm unable to embrace it since all I see are the drawbacks. What a disturbing way to exist. I don't want to exist; I want to live. So long as I only see the negatives, I'm always going to have a single-minded perspective. And I want to be a well-rounded individual. But, most of all, I want to appreciate what I have.

By focusing on the negatives, I perceive myself as not deserving things. Then I project that onto others. I used to be thoroughly 100% against going out with someone who was perceived as difficult. I realized how bigoted of me that is. Even difficult people are amazing people. How much have I limited myself in the past because of this? It not only polluted my mentality, but I was totally discriminating towards others who didn't deserve it.

It's come to my attention how flawed my perspective became when I started thinking like a girl so to speak. I've been talking to this girl, and she does a lot of judging girls outfits. It sort of put me in that mode, and I remember looking at a fat girl and thinking how she probably won't be able to find someone who loves her because she's so fat. I didn't think she was an awful person, but I was so one-dimensional and insensitive about the entire thing. It turns out that she's engaged! How could I have gotten this so wrong? I remember thinking that if she found someone, I should be able to find someone. Isn't that awful? My ability to find someone shouldn't and isn't comparable. How can I be so vain and narrow-minded? I swear that's not the kind of person I am, but a part of my mentality needs to be told that then. I have to learn to be comfortable in my own skin!

I want to enjoy what I have without obliterating those talents because they aren't flawless. I'm human. Of course, I'm not going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't embrace the qualities I do have. I want to become a writer. I do think I have a talent in that area. Yet I can't bring myself to comfortably admit that I'm a talented writer because there are so many better writers out there. That doesn't change the skills and talents I have. On some level, I know that. I'm tired of having this disconnect. It permeates so many aspects of my life. I'm sick of it.

Things Will Work Out

I've been so busy stressing that I haven't looked to the future lately. I always just keep moving forward because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to give up. I haven't had time to really trip out sufficiently, too, because I’m overly busy. But when my friend dropped me off, he sincerely said that things will work out. I told him that it always does. He said, "What else can you do?" I should've said, "I wouldn't know." That's when I realized that I haven't even looked at the possibility that it will, but it will! Sometimes even the smallest things people say have a profound impact if you're open to it.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it really resonated in me that night. I was sitting in my old room. It was empty and lifeless. But I didn't see it as a home stripped away from me anymore. I don't know what I saw, but it wasn't at all bad. That's something. And it s because I knew that things will work out. Sometimes I just have to stop and realize that for what it's worth.

I have awesome friends who pulled through for me at the end, helping me with my move. I have other friends who helped me look for a place. I live in such a chaotic world that sometimes I forget that things will work out, that things do work out. I see it as though I’m spinning, spinning, spinning. I stop only to do it all over again. I don’t always realize that I made it each and every time. This will be no different.

Even Though I Hate it Here

Even though I hate it here and I was counting down the days I can finally escape this place, it's still all I had. As disgusted as I am by this place, I made a home out of it. Armen once told me that I open up more in my room than anywhere else. I wasn't aware of how comfortable I became in my own room. It was my place. It belonged to me. I've never had something like that before. Now, in one fell swoop, it was stripped away from me.

I've finally reached a point in my life where I was willing to absolve some control. The next thing I know something was taken away from me, completely out of my control. I do believe that surrendering control is going to have a profound affect on my overall well-being, but everything I'm experiencing makes me feel otherwise. It's hard to do the right thing when the "right thing" is nothing more than a feeling, something intangible. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I don't even have time to hang on. All I can do is fumble around in the tornado because there's too much to do.

I don't have time to panic, to protect myself, to keep myself safe. I have so much to do. I have to pack. I have to pack. I have to work. I have to work. I have to help. I have to organize. Sleep and food has become a luxury of the past. I can't remember the last time I haven't had a headache echoing in the background. I don't have time for allergies or sun poison.

I'm too busy for everything, which is precisely why I have to find the time. But how do you find time that you don't have? It's more important than ever to find peace, to feel like I belong somewhere, anywhere, to be at home. I feel like every time I begin to make progress or gain new insights that can bring about change, something gets in the way. It's stupid that at age 25 is when I discovered the value of opening up to others, how important it is for me to have people in my life and not keep them at a distance. It's made me realize how I have to do things for myself. 25 fucking years, I didn't know this. I finally learned something huge and extremely late in life, I know. But I can't do anything with it.

I didn't know it at the time, but getting laid off was my first vacation, a break. I'm never able to live in the moment because I don't have moments to spare. I'm too busy allocating it towards something else, anything but me. I haven't been living in the moment, and it keeps escaping me. I don't know how to slow down. It sounds stupid, and it makes my friends laugh sometimes, but it's true. And it's not funny. I have to learn because I don't want to crash and burn. I'm t ired of my life and the drama in it. The most laid back person I know told me that he can tell I have drama in my life; he could hear it in my voice. It makes me want to distance myself from him because I don't want to contaminate his life. It must be nice to have a private, quiet life. I wouldn't know. I hope someday I will.

My Sanctuary Gone

AJ once told me that I open up more in my own room than anywhere else. That shocked me because I hate that place. He said, "You may hate that it's your home, but it's your home." In spite of how messy it is and how toxic the energy is, a place where I can be open is a sanctuary, is my sanctuary. It's difficult for me to open up, so it's huge. I'm not sad that I'm leaving that place, but I'm sad that the sanctuary I've built there is gone. No, not gone just homeless. I guess I'll have to find a sanctuary somewhere else. I can do that. I just have to find a place first.

I'm So Screwed

I've been paying $340 a month for my own room in a convenient location. Just today I got evicted! And I have to be out by tomorrow 12 pm. My name was never on the lease, which I knew. So I won't point the finger there. I'm certainly responsible for staying in this situation. The last thing I want to hear about is how we all got screwed over because our name wasn't on the lease. Well, if he didn't sign anything, obviously our names aren't on the lease! What frustrates me is how this is all happened and played out.

My bathroom has no fan or window, so there's mold growing inside of it. I don't understand how my socially-retarded roommates can't fathom that idea. Well, we shower there and we're fine. No, we all used to sneeze until our bodies adapted every time we showered. Are we to expect that we're only allergic when we shower? Hmmm....thinking caps guys! The visibly growing black stench might also be an indicator, too. The property manager has seen the condition of the bathroom when he's inspected the clogged toilet and made no mention of it and completely disregarded its decaying condition. But now that he has to view the apartment as our lease is nearing expiration, he's starting to care. Convenient timing.

Today he said that the clogged toilet was caused by tampons. Before it was plastic shards, toilet paper, it keeps changing. Today the toilet wasn't even clogged. So why he would change the story up today is suspicious in it of itself. The property manager always knew that two girls were living here, so I think he decided that a tampon would conveniently target us and make it plausible for why he would want us to move out.

I overheard him talking about how we're filthy and never complained about the condition of the bathroom before. Crap! Oliver isn't the most aggressive person, but one phone call should be enough. Besides, the kind of idiot who doesn't bother installing some form of circulating in a humid environment doesn't care. And again, he's seen the condition of the bathroom before. It makes me so livid that he acts blameless. You know I have two adjacent windows that didn't have blinds or curtains put up! I waited a month, and that doesn't even include before I moved in. This is a man who doesn't give a fuck!

I'm pissed that he can't deal with the consequences of his negligence, and I'm getting evicted on such unreasonably short notice as a result. Pasadena has no virtually no tenants rights. The policies, not laws, are there, but they aren't legally enforced. They're basically just decorative. The manager is a lazy bastard, but he puts zero effort if the sheriff comes does all the dirty work. So I'm screwed. I'm so sick and tired of hearing from people that it won't happen because it's unreasonable. Unreasonable things never happen? I'm not risking that possibility! I'm just not!

What's even more infuriating is that my roommate, Oliver, was never planning on telling me any of this. He spoke particularly quietly about this to my roommate, Grace, and he deliberately went outside to talk on the phone because he didn't want me knowing about it except I heard him, and the other roommates had the decency to fill me in. I had to approach Oliver about it. How do you not tell someone that they have to leave? To keep such information away from someone is cruel! But most of all, I'm mad at myself.

I didn't realize it until now, but this is just like working at the salon. I didn't have the strength to leave because the deal was so sweet even though I knew I didn't belong there. It was too easy. It was the same thing here. I shouldn't be living in a mold-infested place, but the location is so convenient. So I stayed just like I stayed at the salon. I wasn't strong enough to leave, so the universe pushed the circumstance onto me and had me fired. Now I wouldn't leave this dump on my own, so the universe arranged it so that I would get evicted.

I'm new to this. Working at the salon or living where I live isn't what I would necessarily call "easy", but it's relatively easy compared to what I've dealt with in the past. It's the easiest I've ever had to deal with, but it's certainly not the path I should've taken. I was always strong when I had to be. Does that really make me a strong person then? If I'm granted the opportunity to indulge in weakness and I take it willingness, doesn't that make me weak? I guess I have to be strong to avoid circumstances like these. I never get a break.

The Pressures of Stress and Defining Moments

I was asked to write an article about a close and personal friend of mine. I was experiencing a mixed sense of flattery and terrified thoughts, to be honored and entrusted with something so powerful and emotional, it's indescribable. I've always referred to myself as a writer. And for most of my life, I believed that. I still do. But just as everyone starts to question themselves and their abilities, I've started to do the same. I've always known I wanted to become a writer for so long. It's easy for my mind to play tricks on me. As a child, you don't really know any better. Wanting something so passionately as a child and growing into it can blind a person to the ugly truth that'll expose the light on the harsh reality that it's nothing more than an unattainable dream. Do I honestly think that this applies to me? Normally, no. But the fact that these fears have an element of truth to them makes it all the more frightening.

My friend's a beautiful writer. In many ways, he's a writer at heart that I could never become because he's an introvert. I believe that the best writers are introverts. I think I'm a writer, but I'm far from an introvert. I have the skills and talents of an introvert, but I'm an extrovert. I basically travel into a world I don't belong in, which isn't to say that I'm not meant to be there, but there will always be some level of disconnect. I worry that I can't do him justice because my writing will never be as eloquent as his.

I'm starting to realize how flawed my perspective is. For someone who doesn't care much about what others think of me, I'm desperate that people remember me in the accurate way I try to depict myself. That's very paradoxical and doesn't make much sense. I want to be remembered for who I am. For the people who don't know me, know the real me, how they perceive me means very little to me. Yet I'm desperate to be different and stand out.

Recently I've realized that wanting so desperately to stand out censors me from doing what I want because it runs the risk of me not standing out. A lot of it stems from the insecurities I possess. It's interesting how other people can see my talent when I can barely notice it myself. And it's supposedly something I possess. I wonder how much of my friend's trust has to do with how much he trusts me as a person or my skills as a writer.

I was told by a wise classmate of mine once that there are different types of writers just as there are different types of singers. Some singers do opera and others do jazz. They're both equally talented, but their styles are different. What she said really affected and resonated in me. It's something I need to remember on an active level especially since I feel like my writing is inferior compared to my friend's. I don't want to feel that way for my well-being. I also think it's important to not have those insecurities and doubts because they attract certain negative energies, and I don't want that for myself or for the person who trusts me. Our feelings are more powerful than we realize.

Anyways, I've side tracked a lot. I wanted to take the time and write about how it felt to be given something so powerful and fragile to me and the pressures that came with it. I wanted to become a journalist at one point in my life, but that dream left long ago as I've changed as a person. Being asked to write an article in such a short notice and having it all sent by 3 pm gave me insight into what life as a journalist would be like. It's not for me. It's something I imagine I can do and do well because I function well under stress. But that's not necessarily a good thing. Just because I can tolerate something doesn't mean that I should.

Since I've actually experienced life without stress very, very recently, the contrast cuts through me like a blade. I wouldn't want that to be my life. In the past, that's all I knew. So I would've been more than willing to take on that sort of pressure. If I had, I probably would've never known what it was like to not stress. Avoiding stress has actually become a priority for me, although it's in my natural nature to stress. I'm not sure that's something I want to remove. I know I can try to remove my nature, but I'd be shifting so much of who I am, and I don't think I want to do that. This isn't my clinginess talking. This is me. It's all about choices, right?

Free Time Doesn't Always Equal Free Thoughts

I'm sick and at home right now. I'm working from home, and my job isn't by any means kick back. But sometimes I manage to find a little bit of free time before it gets hectic again. I have some free time right now, but I don't have much to express. I think it's interesting how when I'm so busy that I feel like I have barely any time to breathe, I can find the time to express myself. If I'm given 10 consecutive, uninterrupted minutes, I'll write a LONG note about how I feel. At times when my life is so busy and I barely have the time to feel anything, everything just penetrates inside of me like a poison that consumes me.

I think it has something to do with my all or nothing reaction. Sometimes I try so hard to keep busy because I can't deal with the pain, but pain can't be neutralized by distraction. I think I usually find myself busy when I'm in pain as a coping mechanism. Other times being busy just makes me think of the things that used to pain me. It's almost a form of social conditioning. Overwork is associated with pain in some ways. Or maybe because being busy makes me so emotionally-disconnected that my mind tries to rev up that side of me. After all, who am I without my emotions, without a sense of feeling? I think it's the last one actually. It has been lately anyways.

I feel like I want to use this free time to get in touch with my emotions and myself, but I'm unable to. I wish I can blame it on being sick, but I don't think that's what it is. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I should enjoy the fact that my mind isn't racing with thoughts right now. That's certainly a plus.

The Friend Who Passed

So much for trying to search for him on facebook. There were too many results for his name and eventually I gave up on searching for him, which is out of my nature actually. I didn't even think about it. Something about dismissing it bothered me, but it was abrupt and quickly forgotten. I just found out that he died a few years ago from a rare liver or kidney cancer or disease. (God, I can't even remember the details, and I was just told). He died within two days of his diagnosis. And he died near my area. I wish I could've reconnected with him.

We both lived in San Francisco. I actually gave up my friendship with him because his girlfriend was insecure about how much time he was spending with me. I was going through a difficult time, and it was evident. He's observant and perceptive but also just aware and paying attention. Well, I guess I should be saying that he was. I can't even wrap my head around the reality that he's gone. I don't think I ever got over the fact that I withdrew from our friendship in general because he was the first person who went out of his way to make sure that I was okay, and he didn't even know me that well. He told me that even though we didn't know each other that well that I can talk to him if I need someone to talk to. My boyfriend, at the time, just broke up with me, and a breath of relief was opened sighed by the people closest to him.

There was a mixture of relief and resentment towards his decision. I was just the girl who was a part of it. I was the talk of high school. I felt out of place, lost, and upset about virtually every aspect of my life. And there he was looking out for me. In the midst of people who saw my life being torn apart as curiously fascinating, he was the only person who truly cared about me and not the drama that I carried. Sometimes it felt like my own friends weren't there for me, people who actually cared about me. They made time to make sure I was okay and checked in almost as though it were routine. He went after me and snuck away from hanging out with his friends to engage in something so clearly unpleasant, just to make sure that I was okay.

I know he could've been a friend for life. But after seeing him argue with his girlfriend, I just disappeared. Actually his girlfriend was doing the crying, and I didn't pity her for her insecurities. She was irrational, and he did a lot to comfort her, even when it wasn't necessary. But from talking to him, I knew how much he truly cared about her. It killed him to see her so upset. But so long as I was around and in pain, he would've endured the pain he felt seeing his girlfriend upset to make sure that I was okay. It's just in his nature.

I didn't put too much thought into it at the time because my life was hectic, and I didn't want to get pissed off about it. It was the first time I willingly gave up a friendship for an irrational girlfriend's insecurity. I didn't want to waste my energy resenting her at a point in my life when I was stretched out so thin hating and resenting so many other people. I didn't want to think about the reality that I gave up a friendship that could've very well lasted a lifetime if he were alive that is.

I didn't even think about how much I would miss him or miss out on until I started using facebook actively. Too many of my friends girlfriends are insecure by my presence, and it's been bugging the crap out of me. I spent most of my life feeling insecure about myself, not feeling attractive or adequate. I've finally started feeling more confident about myself, and I felt like I couldn't even enjoy it because my friend's girlfriends hated my presence.

My friend told me that they'll always react differently around me because I'm a pretty girl. For the first time when someone's told me that I believed it, and I couldn't even enjoy the compliment because of the context. I don't want to feel guilty about it. I don't want to feel guilty about being attractive. I don't want to feel guilty for the friendships that I develop. I don't want to feel guilty for who I am. These are reasons that these girls hate me - I'm pretty, and I'm close with their boyfriends because of who I am. They consider me to be one of the guys. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing to feel guilty about that.

Recently I've been really scarred by the reality that these girls hate me because I think I can be a fucked up person. Some people perceive my honesty and bluntness as being completely fucked up. I struggle with the reality that people don't accept me for who I am, even though they're amazing people that I would love to have in my life. I hate seeing my friends conflicted and emotionally burdened because of my presence. I hate experiencing it. I hated so much when my friend actually told me that he can't hang out with me out of respect for his girlfriend. That basically told me that his girlfriend is more important to him than me, and I'm basically discriminated out of his circle of friends because of my gender! I pretty much had to accept that he's not the friend I believed he was.

Hating him doesn't make it easier. I have other friends who have actually defended me to their girlfriends. I feel awful because I get relieved when I discover that they've ended things with their girlfriends. Their relationship issues involving me no longer weigh on me. I get to see them more and hang out with them. I can see the relief in their faces. It makes me feel bad because I know they were happy on some level, but I feel how I feel.

I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about my friend who's passed lately. It's probably because he was the first friend who's girlfriend hated having me around. Every time I see the strain in my friend's eyes, I see him and what he went through. Not only was that the first relationship I saw struggle because of me, but it was the first friendship that I gave up because of it. Not all friends are made equal. Some will always mean more to you than others. It's a reality, and I always knew that he was someone who could've really touched my life. Lately I've been feeling like my friend's girlfriends have been stripping away my friendships, so it's made me resent his girlfriend. Now he's not even alive. The time to develop and deepen on friendship has passed because time escaped us. And he's gone

Writing is my First Love, Always

Writing is my first love, always
Pen in my hand
A blank canvas in front of me
Ready to be imprinted with my thoughts
My mind so full of randomness and an explosion of feelings
Unable to conceive any insights or gain knowledge from the intensity
Until the ink bleeds into the paper
Words fill the space
A calmness takes over
A sense of fulfillment is achieved
And I am expressed through writing
My first love, always

A Contrast in Comfort

I hate where I live. It's disgusting, moldy, suffocating, and unsafe. But I've become tolerant or, more accurately, adapted to this environment, which is awful and should be unacceptable. I'm okay in confined spaces, so I never realize how detrimental it is for my well-being to stay hidden in my room. I'm in such a constant state of stress that I seem to not realize when I should be unwinding. A contrast usually has to exist in order for me to recognize it.

Recently I've realized how much I truly hate where I live. I express how awful it is through empty words that can never truly encompass the actual experience, but I've experienced a significant contrast in comfort. For the past two consecutive days, I've stayed at, my friend's place during the day and took a shower there. What a difference it makes!

It's such a beautiful home. I personally wouldn't live there because it isn't me, but I think that allows me to appreciate it more. I have realized, though, that since I've changed, I would incorporate some of the features that exist in his house. That would've never been the case even last year! There are huge windows that allow natural light to shoot through. The bathroom has bright white curtains and huge windows that fill up the space of the wall. It's very much a minimalist's home. There's this amazing art piece. It's this intense orangish-red called the Ring of Fire. It looks like a C-shape. There's a small green tree that's growing as the fire's nearing it. But I see it as the tree's life is so powerful that it's blowing the fire away. Some people see it as the fire is destroying the tree. The flames are moving away! I love what it represents and that it embodies his mission and his universal philosophy.

I love my taste in artwork, but it's a lot more one-dimensional compared to who I am. So when I see artwork like that, I just fall in love. Outside he has reclining seats I lounge in and sunbathe in. It's amazing! It's refreshing to shower in such a spacious and clean area. The natural light is therapeutic. But it makes me realize how much I need to move. He once told me that even if I can tolerate something, it doesn't mean that I should. It's so true! The contrast in comfort is both a blessing and a curse. It makes it more difficult and painful to deal with where I live. It's good to get out of your natural element.

Release is my Therapy

I just realized something while reading the comments on Ana's post. "Release is my therapy." It's weird because I never really thought I suppressed my feelings but that's because they were contained so deep within me that I didn't even notice them. I'm logical until my logic fails me. Then I become emotional, and I feel like I completely spill out. I desperately try to hold it in, but it never works. Resistance isn't always a demonstration of strength; sometimes surrendering is. Since I've realized that, I feel like I know myself better and am more connected with myself. I'm an emotional person because I'm human, but it's also who I am. Release is my therapy. Contrary to what I once believed, releasing my emotions doesn't make me emotionally unstable. It makes me emotionally-connected.

A Calmness I Want to Remember

I've been telling my friend that I want to go hiking for a while especially since he told me about a place in Arcadia. I wanted to go there because I had an expectation, a goal I wanted to fulfill. I have a tendency to live in my head, and the incessant thoughts used to comfort me. They still do at times, but they're equally if not more burdensome. I've finally reached a point in my life where I became interested in really changing that. Hiking helps me come closer to that goal except that it isn't a goal, it's something that I work towards maintaining. It's something I'll always have to put effort into.

It's a beautiful area. The drive is fairly long and requires you to pass through mountains. I felt like the overwhelming mountains were preparing my mind and body that I was going to be getting in touch with nature. The city, the street signs, gas stations, other cars, and other landscapes disappear, and all that's left were the mountains. The further you went in, the less cluttered my mind became.

The hiking trail in the beginning went downhill. I felt like it was a perfect spot to go running, rather than running, but the concrete would be killer on the body. The path is incredibly easy to follow. The scenery isn't nearly as picture perfect, but it was authentic to nature. Not everything was bright green, sparkly clean; it was real. There was beauty in that. I would've wanted to move slowly, but my friends, are fast hikers!

Since it was my first time there I was mesmerized. I found a spot where there was a square seating area in front of a waterfall that I would love to sit at and write for hours. The waterfall wasn't even that beautiful, but it was a perfect seating area. At the end there was a beautiful waterfall. It looked like such a romantic spot but not in the pressured sort of way of movies, dinner, or drinks where one might be inclined to portray a certain image. I feel like the nature's calmness reflects in how people interact there.

I felt sort of bad like I was the third wheel de-coupling them by the waterfall. I was actually planning on sitting from afar and enjoying the waterfall there because it was still visible, but he saw me. So I headed over there. He says that I should go to the first waterfall, which I'd like to do in the future. It's experiences that like that make me wish that I had a car. I don't care that I don't have a car when I have to go grocery shopping. I knock down strength training and cardio in a single trip, but the fact that I don't have the opportunity to escape whenever I please is unfortunate. I would love to have the opportunity to spend hours alone with just me, a journal, and a pen. There's something about getting away that clears the mind. It makes me realize how stressed I am. Everyone notices it, but it's a constant state I'm in that I don't even notice it. I woke up with a knot on the back of my left shoulder blade that went away.

It's a versatile hiking spot. Depending on my mood and who I go with, I would do it differently. I can picture myself running that as my endurance builds with friends like Benji. I can also picture myself moving as slowly as a snail and looking at everything possible, taking everything in. I can picture doing that trail alone and safely, slowly. I can also picture doing that with company I know will enjoy it at a slower pace like Cody. I'm usually so extroverted that as much as I enjoy my own company, I usually sacrifice personal time to hang out with others. It's the first time I've wanted to do something alone.

Mostly I want to remember the calmness I experienced. It's not that I necessarily enjoy hiking. I truly enjoy the consequential experience of hiking. When I learned to slow down my mind, I start to feel differently. Even though my vision doesn't actually change, it feels like it does in some way. My head feels floaty, not physically, but it isn't bound to the incessant thoughts that usually bombard me. The more I embrace hiking, the more invigorating the experience, the more floaty I get.

I remember thinking that I don't want to go there too often, which I thought was weird because I would love to feel that way often. But as it turns out, I don't. My body knew before my mind knew. I have an addictive personality, and that's something I want to treat. Going often would be my drug addict's mentality of escaping life's burdens. I don't want that. But I'd like to go once a month. Besides, I'm afraid that if I go too often, I'll speed hike like they do. It's great for them, but I'm desperate to have that floaty feeling.

What I really wanted to do was hang upside down, while I was still in that floaty state. This hiking trail is rigorous and a major endurance builder, but I realized that I wouldn't do it for a physical workout. I want to do it for a mental cleanser. My idea of intense workouts include fast running, intense kickboxing, and indoor cycling with trance and techno blasting. That's the side of me I want to detach from every so often, which is what hiking offers me.

I recently started panicking about something and became even more desperate to go hiking, but I never realized how beneficial it would be. I'm glad I went. I'm experiencing a calmness I want to remember especially since it's starting to decline. I felt it leaving me as I stepped into my apartment. :(

Tarot Card of the Day: Magus

The Magus

The Magus is the master of his own destiny and unafraid to act as he chooses. By setting specific and attainable goals, the Magician utilizes his great knowledge and wisdom to succeed where others have failed. He is the master of his own destiny. Although, with such power comes great responsibility. The Magician must decide whether to act morally, or forsake ethics for personal gain.

This sounds like me, but it's a subtler, quieter presence that exists in me. So many other qualities in me feels like it weighs it down. This isn't because I think our destiny is pre-written. I believe we're all meant to do something, and we should fulfill whatever that is. However, I also believe that with every action, there is a consequence. So, basically, I believe that what we're meant to do alters as time passes and we change and evolve into the people we're meant to become. But who we're meant to become is determined by the choices we make.

I feel like either not enough people believe in the power and influence we have over our own lives, which is understandable considering how overwhelming it may become or forget what powerful tools we are in this universe. We all feel helpless and sometimes we are, but it's when we start to believe it, really believe it that we surrender. It's not weak or naive to believe that we can control our destiny. It's weak to believe that you can't. It's naive to believe that there aren't forces that are working against us, but that doesn't mean that we should give up or not manipulate the forces to our advantage. The more open you are, the wiser and more knowledgeable you become. That's the key to becoming powerful.

It's power that can corrupt us. For me, though, I've never struggled with whether I should use what I possess to do something ethically or morally compromising. I have a strong sense of right and wrong. It's also emotionally-fueled. My problem has always been my fear to make choices that I know will shape who I become. I've always been goal-oriented, but I've never thought to combine those two disciplines. It's time I start. I've become less afraid to make choices that'll mold me into the person I'm meant to be because I'm finally starting to listen to that voice that's been silenced for so long. I just need to listen to it and trust it, while accepting that I can always be wrong, but that shouldn't stop me from trusting my instincts.

So Effing Freaked Out

So I'd like to begin by saying that facebook is a royal screw-up or apparently more "meaningful" than myspace is. Everyone says that facebook is where all the meaningful stuff happens. So it was a divine intervention? Yeah right! It's just another example of my insane luck and tech hiccups.

I sent and did successfully send a ridiculously extensive email to my friend, Kristina. It was so long that I had to break the email down into four parts! Mind you I have never been brief (not that anyone needs any convincing especially the parties involved), but this was insane. What was it about you ask? Ehhhhhh.....a guy. Surprising, right? Not because I usually rant about guys like this but because of course the source of the subject (guy) somehow managed to receive the exact same set of emails which should've been sent only to Kristina. And according to my sent messages, it was. So what the hell happened? It was certainly sent to him!

I'm freaked out, panicked, a little manic.....I mean everything is exposed now. I feel like I don't have the energy or focus to distribute my stress about how facebook totally screwed me over because here's what I'm worried about. I tend to obsess. It's sort of a hobby of mine. I'm also an excessive and detailed person, so I tend to elaborate a lot. I think it makes people think that they mean more to mean than they actually do, which isn't to say that I don't care. But how I perceive them appears more amplified because of the way and extent that I express myself. What a fucking ego struck it must be. It's so fucking crazy how this turned out because according to my sent messages, it was only sent to Kristina.

I was on the phone with my friend, Jason, when I realized this. He thought I was hyperventilating. Being who I am (seeking external sources for solutions and knowledge that exist within me), I talked his ear off when I believe that I actually have the answer all along. I'm just afraid to admit it, so I'm seeking confirmation but from a source that can't reject me. I feel guilty considering myself attractive, which is something I need to work on because my insecurity affects the people around me. I'm never going to trust a guy if I don't think I'm worth it, and I honestly do believe I am. So why I am like this? I have no idea!

A major solution to this is that I have to learn to trust myself. I have to trust that I know what I'm talking about when a very muted, silent but present voice tells me that I'm attractive and I'm worth it. Once I do that, I'll be able to trust myself. When I learn to do that, I'll be able to see the truth that's right in front of me. That's important, to be able to see and know what's going on.

My entire life I've been emotionally-disconnected, and I've only recently let my emotions flow. So I'm on overdrive because I feel like I've only been using 25% of my senses my entire life. Had I have started dealing with emotions, I'd probably manage them better now. But I am where I am now. Where am I? At a place where I've discovered that when I don't indulge in my OCD, I have manic behaviors. It turns out that I was always a lot more emotional than I've allowed myself to be because of my behavioral pattern. This is both good and bad because I'm dealing with all of who I am.

I can't go on denying that another side of me exists. The last guy I was with really affected me because he was the first guy I felt that I could fall in love with. I told myself that I feared I couldn't trust him, but the truth is that I feared that I could trust him. If I let myself trust him I would become even more emotionally vulnerable. I was terrified by the idea of that. On some level I preferred to not face it, but now I've realized that I'm more terrified of not experiencing that. I'm not saying that I want it now, but I'm saying that I'm willing to be emotionally open, to be receptive and not hide a part of who I am.

Do I still have feelings for him? Yes. Do I want to be with him? No. The part of who I was wanted to be with him. But the more I've changed, the less interested I became in being with him. Before this, though, my friend suggested that I start dating. I was shocked because it doesn't sound like advice that would come from her. Dating isn't my thing. I don't like the idea of casually going out with multiple guys. But I'm glad I considered it because it made me realize that it would be another form of my drug addict's mentality. I would basically not be working through my feelings. I think that by drowning myself in work and distraction, it stifled the process of getting over him and I was stuck in the past because it resonated. Had I dealt with it earlier, I probably would've purged earlier.

The crazy thing is that I would've never been interested in who I'm interested in now if it wasn't for my ex. At first I remember thinking that if I was over my ex, I'd be into him. At some point it eventually happened but not in a he distracted me sort of way. I think I just changed to the point that it happened. The paranoid side of me is thinking that he's going to think I'm writing this on purpose, but that wouldn't be giving him much respect. Besides I'm so exposed now, what's the point?

The real me wouldn't have sent that email and for the record didn't. Part 4 wasn't meant for you, either. But now that it's happened, I'm so the type of person who would write this note. So here I am further digging my own grave. It's important that I trust myself because if I did, I would know that he does like me, too, and I wouldn't waste my time wondering what he meant by "pretty accurate info above." Yet I feel guilty and wrong about the idea of feeling this way. I don't want that. So much for being an emotionally-disconnected pisces...

I worry that his predisposition about astrological compatibility might have more of an influence than it should. I dwelled on superficial reasons why my ex and I were incompatible, but the reasons those incompatibility usually cause trouble didn't exist with us except when I manifested them because I believed in the incompatible profile. There's something about foreseeing failure that brings it to life. I think that's what surfaces and keeps self-sabotage alive. How would you react to a person if you didn't know or believe any of that? Would you focus on the "incompatibilities" that would probably amplify it, which could end in failure, or would not focusing on it alter the outcome? How would you react if you knew nothing?

There's still a voice in me that says that I'm wasting my time putting thought into this because he may not even care. There's always that possibility, but I shouldn't pretend that my mind isn't racing, either. I can't determine my actions based on what others may or may not be feeling and how they may or may not perceive me. Well I guess I can and I have for most of my life. It doesn't work. So now I'm just effing freaking out! ^_^

Emotional Writing

I feel like I only write when I'm emotionally-inspired to and by that I mean when I'm in some form of emotional state or another. That's why I could easily and effortlessly write in elementary school, middle school, high school, early adulthood, and on and off recently because it's only recently that I've experienced some form of emotional calamity. That's also around the same time I questioned my ability as a writer and if it'll be possible for me to pursue writing as a career because my writing was becoming stagnant. The point in my life where my writing should be at its prime, I was starting to dull. I think my writing mirrored what was going on in my life. As I became more emotionally-detached, I became separated from the writer within me. As my emotions started to surface, I was re-introduced to that side of me. I missed it, and I love the passion I get from writing. However, I want to channel it and harness it at will. I don't want to be a servant to my emotions, which is probably an error in my thinking. In order to have that emotional intensity which stirs my writing, I have to let it control me. But I'm worried that if, for whatever reason, my emotional state stales my writing that I'm totally screwed. If I can use writing as a way to express my emotions, I want to be able to manipulate that skill and become one with my emotions, to be able to write, to be able to feel. This means that even when I'm emotionally-detached, it's important to keep writing to flush the emotions out of me by digging inside because it's all there. It's just contained.

I Wouldn't Know How to Title This Experience

I saw an elderly woman laying on the ground in front of Trader Joe's. I was there as it was happening. She started falling slowly and was laying there awkwardly, but I didn't even fully process it. I don't think I still am. I knew something about that wasn't natural and out of the ordinary, but I had to near it and hear someone say to call 9-1-1 for it to really register. Even then everyone seemed surprisingly calm considering the situation.

This woman was kind. She felt guilty about the idea of the paramedics going to see her because she felt that she was taking the ambulance away from someone who needs it. She knew that it was best she lay down for a while, which she did. She was able to talk clearly and said she must've fainted because she didn't have anything for lunch. She wasn't deprived of oxygen or anything like that. It was good that she was aware of this, but I'm worried that her guilt may have altered her perception of how she really feels.

An employee placed two paper towels under her neck. I've only talked to him a couple times, but he's a really nice person. So his kindness didn't surprise me. But sometimes I'm horrified by peoples' reactions, insensitivity, single-mindedness, selfishness, inconsiderations, and ignorance. I feel like other people have to deal with the consequences of their stupidity. "Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you." This is a reality many of us forget in our hectic day to day lives, but something as serious as an elderly woman collapsing to the ground should make us realize how fragile life is, how fragile we are. It isn't an opportunity to express your dissatisfaction of what an inconvenience it is for you or demonstrate your callousness and ignorance!

I don't really give a damn if this woman falling is an inconvenience for you! It's not like she had arranged it in her schedule. She fell down in front of the entrance to the store, but there was plenty of space for people to walk around her. You didn't have the usual freedom of walking in the center, but even someone in crutches would've been able to maneuver their way around her. Admittedly, someone in a wheelchair would've had a problem. But a woman who had the ability to walk over her without difficulty complained about how she was displayed right in front of the walkway and asked if there was something that can be done like move her out of the way. This woman walked right past her, stopped, turned around, and made such an audacious remark. Just keep moving, bitch! It's a really good thing I wasn't in the most emotional of states because I was so livid at her for asking that. She sensed it from me, too, which is why I think she let it go.

The daughter of the woman who collapsed kindly told her that she didn't want to move her. The elderly woman, however, sympathized with this rude woman and asked to be moved over. She complained that she was perspiring afterwards. Fainting is the body's way of regulating itself. If she's perspiring, it means that she's straining her body. If this woman didn't make a complaint, she probably would've laid there the way I suspect she should've. I know this woman is ignorant, self-involved, and doesn't know this woman, so she has no vested interest in showing compassion. But how can a person so blatantly involve themselves into another person's affair in such an unproductivity matter and act as though she has a right to do so? It seemed more like a desperate attempt to be heard because she already got into the store. So why do you care? I mean, seriously, what purpose did it serve to voice your opinion? It amazes me the mentality of some people. I'm sure in her simple mind moving her over would be no big deal, but you don't know that.

She lost control of her body. The last thing she should be doing is manipulating it in a way a normal functioning body would. The body is a very complex, intricate working that medical experts are still baffled by. This woman expects us to do the very thing that medical experts warn against?!?!?! I can't imagine that this woman is so ignorant that that's a huge no-no! But this elderly woman already felt inconvenienced and guilty by her body's natural reaction that I'm worried the insensitivity and ignorance of this woman is going to affect her in unhealthy ways. I hope I'm wrong.

I hate meeting people like that because here I am ranting about this idiot when there's a woman who fainted. I felt bad because in situations like that no one really knows what to do. All you really can do is be there for them. But I don't know this woman. I felt like my transparent guilt was actually weighing on her upon observing her. That made me feel guilty about how I feel. I called the ambulance and stayed with them until they arrived but then left. I could've stayed, but there's nothing I could've done. I felt it was the best time especially when the paramedic started inquiring about her medical history because when I asked the daughter if she had any medical history, she was very brief. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I imagine that's a private matter.

Seeing her lay there in some ways did almost nothing for me, which makes me question myself emotionally. I've always been such a nervous, panicky, and anxious person. But in an emergency, I was always prompt, productive, and useful. I guess I was that today, but I realized that sometimes the most beneficial thing you can do for someone is show care and concern for strangers. I could tell it touched them, but from an altruistic point of view, it's so important for me, too.

I have an addictive personality and can therefore be single-minded. If I reject the emotional side of me, what's to stop me from becoming cold and callous like that other woman? I think being who I am would stop me. But if I continue to detach myself, who knows who I'll become? Part of me feels guilty for the way I feel and what I'm turning this experience into, a personal one. But I feel the way I feel, and I've learned that I can't ignore something like that. I was there for a reason and feel this way for a reason. So I feel that I should explore it. For one thing, as I was walking away, I felt more emotionally affected by it. I was reserving my feelings when I was at the scene. But when I had no reason to not surrender to it, I became freaked out by it. As it was building, I immediately focused on the insensitive woman. It was a reflex reaction. That's the drug addict's mentality my friend, Armen, was telling me about. When I can't deal with something, I turn to something else as a coping mechanism.

I had that awkward sense of feeling you have when you're outside of your natural element. I felt uncomfortable, exposed, and out of place. I also have this sense of guilt and not quite compassion but desperate worry for her. I also felt emotionally out of place because both women (the elderly one and her daughter) were calm about it because it was familiar to them. That pains me. Imagine being so used to something like that.

I actually read my friend's blog and it has exercises on it. It's supposed to tone your abs in a short amount of time. I'm skeptical about that (mostly because I didn't think I would commit to it), but I guess it doesn't matter. Just exercising and respecting your body is a healthy act. It's crazy because I went to Trader Joe's to buy milk, so I can have protein shakes. My body breaks down protein rapidly because I have imbalanced hormones. It's not difficult to make and makes a world of difference for me, but I haven't been committing to it because my kitchen is dirty and I avoid it. The kitchen sink isn't clogged, but my roommates don't wash their dishes. So the water is overfilling because it's not draining properly. I actually hide my dishes and utensils in my room! It's clearly a nightmare, but it's not a valid excuse for neglecting my health. I think I finally realized that today.

Take the time. Take the time to be healthy, to appreciate what's around you, what you have. Just take the time.

I'm Emo But I'm Okay

I can't say that I was never an emotional person, but I've always been emotionally-detached, too. I couldn't help the emotions that poured out of me, but I worked on disconnecting myself from it as much as possible. Lately I haven't been able to control my emotions at all. I feel what I feel at the greatest intensity until I overload and neutralize or I become emotionally-drained. It's bad and painful because emotions are powerful. It has an intoxicating and overwhelming effect. But it's also therapeutic and enlightening. I feel like I'm connected to everything around me now in ways I never have before. It's not like I'm not able to function. Sure, I needed five jobs to distract myself from him. That didn't work. So I'm working on facing my emotions as difficult as it is because it's the only way to deal with it. My feelings for him are more ingrained than I feel comfortable or even originally realized. I think that's dangerous, so I need to become aware of them. As a consequence, everything feels intense. But I really am okay. Thanks for your concern. But if it gets bad and I need someone to talk to, it's nice to know that I can count on you (not that I didn't already know).

Channeling What I Have

I think my friend described me perfectly. "I think incessant thoughts are a sign of higher intelligence but unchanneled it can drive you nuts!" It's so obvious, yet profound. People seem to be endlessly fascinated by how my mind works. It has such a dynamic range and an even more dynamic consequence. My math professor told me that I'm UC material, but I'd be smarter if I thought less. Most professors tell me that the best advice they can give me is to think less. My friend, AJ, told me that I have a drug addict's mentality. Another told me that I'm not happy because my parents are in my head and that I need to get rid of those thoughts because the older I get it, the louder they become. It's true. My friends, who by the way don't have facebook (can you believe it?), told me that I'm meant to be an engineer. My friend seems to think that I'd be good at it but would get bored of it.

I feel like in many ways how my mind works has more range of opportunities than others but with it comes a greater range of insanity, too. I don't want that. I feel like I'm a powerful force, sometimes more intense than others. So I have to put extra effort and care to ground myself, something I rarely take the time to do. I think what I have is a blessing or a curse depending on how it's channeled. It can be abundantly positive or dangerously havoc with equal abandon. I want to work towards the beneficial direction.

I believe that there are two kinds of laid-back people - the ones who work on it (AJ and I'm hoping someday me) and the ones who possess it, but life always has challenges that'll weigh us down. There are also hybrids who naturally possess it but also possess the incessant thoughts that torment so many of us. I believe we all have tot put in the time and effort to keep ourselves grounded. Who else will do it? Life certainly won't. Life throws us the curve balls that give us the incentive to keep ourselves calm.

I've been this way for so long that I'm not even fully aware of how desperate I am for balance, but I'm becoming more aware of it. The universe senses it, too, because I truly believe that the energy we give off attracts certain people into our lives. People respond to what they sense from us. Lately, it seems like I've been attracting as well as gravitating towards naturally calm people who are lost themselves but have life experiences I can't even possibly imagine.

I've always been a dynamic and diverse person, as well as paradoxical. So I attract different types of people, and they lead diverse lives that I could never pursue. But I'm still exposed to it. I'm a giver and taker. I can't do one without the other. It's very much an altruistic process.

People come to me to seek insights whether it's subconscious or otherwise. I truly feel that I help them, which surprises me sometimes. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I can't seem to help myself because I don't channel myself in ways I do when I help my friends. I have the ability to simplify things, even though I never seem to incorporate it into my own life, and that's what allows me to give my friends clarity. By helping them, I'm discovering ways to help myself. It didn't begin that way. I wasn't searching for it, but that's what I've realized.

They’re right. I have to get the voices out of my head. I want to go to the mountains, to go hiking, to get away, get a different perspective. That's never been my world before, so I'm not exactly sure where to start. Any recommendations? Thanks for reading!

My Discombobulated Feelings

WHAT I BELIEVE:

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

HOW I AM/HOW I FEEL NOW:

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

I was terrified by what I was feeling for you.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

WHAT I'M DOING:

I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me.

HOW HE MUST'VE FELT:

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel; and remember what you deserve.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

WHAT I SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON BUT IGNORED...

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say to me?

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE:

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

WHAT I'M AFRAID OF:

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

There’s no such thing as a perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect you better run as fast as you can in the opposite direction cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes your face shit.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything.

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us?

Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment.

Be authentic and direct in communication.

WHAT I NEED TO ACCEPT AND LEARN (things I'm trying to come to grips with):

Don’t worry about the people in your past because they aren’t in your future for a reason.

Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be. You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything, have no regrets, and forget the bad in the past. Just remember what all it has taught you.

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

I conceal my weakness so well that even sometimes I forget they’re there until I’m presented with an opportunity to overcome them. My insecurity surfaces and I desperately try to hide my vulnerability with failed success.

You know you love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.

What do you do when the person who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?

When you run from something, it only stays longer. If you fight something, it only makes you stronger.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you didn’t deserve the truth.

Sometimes you just need to be with the person who makes you smile.

Take a chance because you never know how perfect something can be.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

When you judge others, you don’t define them. You define yourself.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

Some say holding on is what makes you strong. But sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

Recognize that you are a part of something larger. Your actions, however, small or large, bad or good, affect others and the world around you.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to.

LASTLY....

Bob Marley's lesson on love...

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you the part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.

Fake it Til Then

"I’m going to smile like nothing’s wrong, talk like everything’s perfect, act like it’s all a dream, and pretend it’s not hurting me." Do I want to lie? Of course not. But what else is there to do? I'm not going to cry about how it turned out, about what didn't happen, or dwell about what could've been. I have two choices. Let it all out, which is probably more therapeutic but runs the risk of turning into a perpetual cycle. Plus, I have an addictive personality. I don't want to be in pain. So why would I intentionally expose myself to it? It's not like socializing and just hanging out with my friends mean that I'm suppressing the truth. I'm just not focusing on it. Why become a depressed burden? I figured fake it til then...but guess what? Fail...epic fail!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to feel it, but I do. I don't want to become a depressed burden, but that's the natural coarse. Suppression, apparently, comes in many forms. Faking it til then doesn't work. If you lie to yourself long enough, even though you'll never truly believe it, your brain gets wired all wonky with these mixed signals of being "okay" with conflict thoughts and feelings. So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Tarot Card of the Day

The Hanged Man

This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

I do feel like I spent the majority of my life only focusing on the smaller details. I'm such a dynamic person and see everything that I never realized that I never took everything in, the curse of abundance. It gives the illusion of a dynamic perspective when they're just distractions. I'm desperate for a different perspective. Very rarely do I ever passive accept things. But, as a result, I never feel in control. Recently I've discovered the value and necessity of surrendering control and making myself vulnerable. I need it for personal growth and to connect with others.

What's Been Here All Along

It's incredible what's become aware to me recently. I'm noticing so much more things now than before. But I have a retrospective view, so I'm realizing that all of these things were always there. I just never knew, but it doesn't mean that it wasn't there.

I didn't think I was attractive, so I never noticed when other people did. I'm noticing it now. It's amazing how enlightening self-awareness can be. I've always believed that I'm unique, different, and memorable because I feel like I contrast from other people. I don't mean it in a cocky way, but it's the truth. Although I believed this, I never really knew this. So I was always so shocked when people remembered me and talk about me like I've made such an impression.

I feel like external forces, as it usually does in my case, had to be shifted drastically in order for me to look within myself. That's what led to this higher awareness, but it's the feedback from others that are making what I know more real. I feel like I have this muted, soft energy I'm releasing that people are responding to. I'm touched by the people I'm attracting into my life, but I want to learn how to brighten up on my own light and see what others feel internally without the necessary presence of others. It's still nice knowing, though, that people care about me, think about me, feel that I've made an impression in their lives, and that they find me an attractive.

Tarot Card of the Day: Strength

Strength

Strength is a card of courage, determination and inner might. You are in a position to deal with whatever comes your way. You have reached a position of influence and no longer need to force your beliefs upon others. You are aware of the temptations that exist, but your ability to resist them is strong. Be careful not to take advantage of your power or risk becoming abusive and destructive. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts.

This seems appropriate. I feel like I'm constantly defending my position and my intentions to people who already have an adamant pre-judgment of me that I most likely can't persuade. Sometimes I find that it requires more strength to be silent than to voice your opinions. I'm finally becoming comfortable with the idea of not forcing people to believe me. The temptation definitely exists and is strong, but I'm stronger. I agree that it's possible I can be abusive or destructive, although I'm not sure how in this case....It's always good to be conscientious, though. It's so important that I listen to my inner voice and trust my instincts. I've been doing that lately, and it works wonders!

My Past Still Haunts Me

There was a girl who incapacitated my growth in security and self-confidence because I let her. There were other girls there, too, and she isn't even the only one. But I was most affected by her for a number of factors that I frankly don't want to elaborate on. She put effort into making me feel inferior and inadequate, but she also in a perverse way respected me. I knew that because she totally saved my ass when I got jumped, and she had nothing to gain from helping me out. She wanted my life, my boyfriend, and my friends, but she never talked about it. So it wasn't to gain the upper hand. I was always so conflicted about her because her ability to be such a malicious person was equaled by her compassion. I can honestly say that she is a better person than me, but being fucked up is a part of her identity. I'm not fucked up. Well, not like her, anyways.

I don't feel happy that she's suffering, but I do experience a sense of relief, to know that she pains like the rest of us. She's so attractive and has resources I could never imagine. It was easy to feel so insignificant around her. I envied her because I thought she was immune to things that plague me. I feel for her when I see that she's suffering. It's twisted that I feel better about myself when I know this. I found her to be so intangible, and it's humbling to know that I can relate to someone so fierce.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison

Being a Pretty Girl

I actually feel uncomfortable with that title. It's weird. I do feel like I'm a pretty girl. But I feel uncomfortable admitting it to myself and especially writing it out. I'll express my feelings on paper without difficulty, but the idea of thinking that I'm attractive makes me feel inadequate and guilty. Don't nobody better comment that I'm ugly cuz I'm not in the fucking mood! I don't usually give a fuck about what people think, but if someone says that I'm ugly, I take it personally. It's not because their opinion matters to me, but it's because it almost confirms what my paranoia tells me. It's myself that I'm afraid of.

I don't know why I let something so trivial and vain get to me. It doesn't make sense. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So who cares what others think? Even more so, I do actually think I'm pretty. I just need to feel comfortable with how I feel. I mean, seriously, because I look at other girls who aren't as attractive as me and know they're pretty. I also know that if I was someone else and saw me I would think I'm pretty. So, why do I feel so guilty about how I feel? Isn't it good to feel attractive? I mean even if you aren't, it's a healthy position to have.

Most of my life no one thought I was pretty. I had a haircut that made people think I was a boy. Even after that, people used to cap on me. My mom used to actually take offense when people said I looked like her because she finds herself to be so much hotter. I hate to admit it, but it's true. These thoughts are so stupid and petty that I hate admitting it, but it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel. I'm starting to realize that it's important that I'm aware and accept how I feel no matter what. I need to be honest with myself.

I've finally reached a point in my point where people consider me attractive and respond to me differently as a result. I'm still self-conscious as Hell, but I conceal it now. I fake it when I smile, talk, and carry myself in a way confident people do. I think that makes people respond differently towards me. I attract a different kind of energy. For the first time in years, I'm actually attracting people. It's amazing and trippy to me.

Attraction has such a powerful effect. It makes people respond differently. I have the power to make people feel threatened by my presence. No wonder I've been so affected by it. It's frustrating. When I was younger, people tormented me because I wasn't pretty. Now that I'm older I feel like I'm being punished because I am. It's made me realize that it doesn't matter how I look. My life would suck one way or another, but how it would suck just depends. So I am might as well feel good about myself.

Lately people have found me attractive and hit on me. I have more estranged friendships than I'd like to admit because their girlfriends don't like me because I'm pretty. I feel like being myself makes people dislike me. My friend, Mike, just had this talk with me after hearing me rant about how upset I am by the pre-judgments people have of me. He told me that being an attractive, petite girl is going to make people respond to me differently. Why does it have to feel like a curse?

I'm treated differently. I was rushing to get on the bus, but I wanted to buy my ticket first. The driver waited for me, and I was so grateful. A woman smiled and said, "Just cuz you're pretty?" I found it insulting and condescending, but I wonder how much truth there was to that. Regardless I think that woman was a bitter bitch for unnecessarily running her mouth. What point did that serve? I do get discounts at farmer's markets, too.

I've always been judged for how I look. I'm small, so people see me as an easy target. Too many people have made the mistake of trying to jump me. Too many people think they can just push me over when the truth is I'm the last bitch anyone should be messing with! I was seen as insiginificant and unthreatening, even less important, because I'm a girl at the taco truck today.

People were standing in line, and some guys let this big dude cut in front of them because he looked buff. I was about to start running my mouth when another girl spoke her mind about the very concerns I had but with more eloquence and calmness than I could've conveyed. She and I didn't find it acceptable that we're getting cut because we're not a guy, as though we aren't worth it. WTF? So I guess what I'm saying is that there are consequences to being a pretty girl....

Rebound Dating

I was telling a friend of mine about what happened with the last guy I was with and how it didn't work out. She suggested that I start dating again, which seemed like such an out of place advice coming from her. Everyone warns everyone to never take her advice on love. When I told the guy I was with something in relation to her (and he's only met her once, although he can read people), he became so serious and told me to never take her advice on relationships. She practically comes with a warning label! But it makes me wonder if this time her advice is sage because it sounds so different from her usual insights. It was advice that sounded so much like hers that made it inadvisable.

To a certain extent I discarded her advice while considering it for more time than I would've entertained in the past. Rebound dates aren't my thing. I was coerced into it once. I went out with a guy named Eric for years, and my rebound date's name was Derek. I didn't say the wrong name because I wasn't over Eric; it was out of habit. Mind you, of course, that was a nightmare waiting to happen. But the idea of using someone else to relieve my emotional torment about someone who is no longer in my life seems cruel and insensitive. I just can't do it.

More importantly, I've recently realized how unsuccessful implementing distraction is. It doesn't work. I had five jobs and attempted a social life. I'm still not over him. I've always struggled painfully getting over relationships, while I saw people around me moving on more quickly through rebound dating. I still, nonetheless, stayed away from it. It's because that's the right thing for me. I've had to learn to accept that sometimes the right thing for me requires me to go through more agony and pain than others do. But it is what it is.

Rebound dating is not for me. I wouldn't only feel right about it, which means that I wouldn't benefit from it. But I'm also too insecure about it. I would worry about how it would karmically effect me. Plus I could never allow a rebound date to become serious even if it can be. I'm trying to break my cycle of self-sabotaged relationships. On the flip side, if nothing can come of it, I would think it's a waste of time. I am glad that I considered it, though, because it makes me feel like I understand myself better now.

Rebound dating would essentially be another form of what I normally do, distract myself instead of dealing with what's in front of me. It'll be painful, but I never seem to be able to escape anything anyways. I might as well face it. Besides, I don't know myself. My friend, Erik, once told me that he knows I present this strong sense of self, but he also knows that it's bullshit. At first I took offense until I realized that it was true. I don't know myself because I'm so emotionally-disconnected. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate that cycle, which means I have to deal with how I feel. The only way I'm going to get a handle on things is by feeling everything so that I can deal with it no matter how long the recovery time is.

I realized that by distracting myself it makes it a little easier until my feelings and emotions surface, which it inevitably will. Since so much was doormat, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'd rather not have a shock trauma. I can't discover who I am if I'm hiding a part of myself. I can't move on if I'm lying to myself. I can't discover who I am if I do something that isn't authentic to me.

But I really appreciate what my friend told me in ways I could never express. It made me put considerable thought into what she said. I may not have ultimately taken her advice, but I like the brainstorm that came out of it. I like that I have the ability to think dynamically about these things. Initially, I thought it was insensitive to suggest rebound dating because it would totally screw the other person over. I didn't tell it to her like that because I didn't think about it at the time. I was just surprised that it came out of her mouth. She said, "Well if it makes you feel better...."

I really liked that. Sometimes being a friend means wanting the best for them even if it’s not the best for others. Life is all about choices. What we want is always going to upset someone somewhere, so our priorities should be ourselves. It's not meant to be insensitive to others, but it's reality. It's likely that someone will be bothered especially if it involves me because I'm very headstrong. She showed me that what's most important to her is me. I really appreciate that. It wasn't long ago that I would've only looked at the big picture. That's such a robotic, inhuman approach. I feel differently now.