2. Showerhead
3. Brush Head Refills
13.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Household Supplies
2. Showerhead
3. Brush Head Refills
13.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Be True to Me, So I Can Be True to Others
I'm disgraced to admit that I've allowed my selfishness and fear of being left alone interfere with my duties as a friend and my usual nature. I'm an honest, upfront, and direct person. This made maintaining friendships a challenge when I was younger, but now I've come to appreciate who I am without guilt because I surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. This saying conveys my identity beautifully:
Sometimes the truth hurts. But I'd rather be the one to tell you the truth then to tell you lies.
or
Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
I've actually lost friends on a number of accounts for telling truths they weren't ready to hear such as a betrayal of a lover or revealing that their new honey raped someone I knew. I knew and accepted the possibility, sometimes I even anticipated, that what I'm about to say can end my friendships with them. But I was willing to risk faulty friendships and good times to keep my friends safe and embrace who I am for the right reasons. When negative consequences occurred, I still knew it was the right thing to do. I've finally reached a chapter in my life where I can embrace who I am because it's a great way to filter out people who aren't worth my time, I found myself hesitating and withholding my opinions, a dangerous choice and completely out of nature to who I am.
Living alone doesn't seem as lonely as I once suspected it to be because I have the presence and support of my friends. I was afraid of losing that, so I withheld information for my own selfish purposes and risked my friend. My close friend was dating a guy who made me really uneasy. I was really conflicted about him because he has a duplicate personality fusion hybrid thing going on. Most people who are as distasteful and vile as him don't have the capability and consideration to show the kind of respect he exercised. It confused me. I didn't used to allow this confusion to interfere with expressing my concerns. I'm not trying to remove any potential responsibility on my friend's poor judgment or her asshole ex-boyfriend, but I hate how I compromised my identity for my own selfish gain. I can't understand why now that I have friends who accept me for who I really am that I pretend to be someone I'm not.
I thought I made progress. I believe I'm a good person, but I wasn't the most considerate and selfless I can be. I've recently started to sacrifice my interests for others and put others before me. I was against it in the past because I really wanted what I wanted. I felt deprived my entire life, and I hate settling. But I've realized that doing something for others before me wasn't difficult and had its own reward. Not only did it teach me that I can do it with ease, but I practice not living with everything I want and deal with it successfully. So I was really disappointed by my action or lack of.
My friend's boyfriend used to unhook womens' bras as he walked by. Such obnoxious behavior, but it's also distasteful and crossing the line. You may not be raping her, but you're still crossing the line. He would shoot blanks at cars that took too long to respond to a green light. If someone cut him off on the road, he'd follow them and slash their cars with a weapon he proudly displays. I do believe that everyone makes mistakes, and that's not necessarily reason enough to not give them a second chance. But once you've crossed the line, it's easy to cross it again. That's not the kind of exposure I think my friend should have. She's not that kind of person. I guess we're both doing things that are unlike us.
Sometimes the truth hurts. But I'd rather be the one to tell you the truth then to tell you lies.
or
Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
I've actually lost friends on a number of accounts for telling truths they weren't ready to hear such as a betrayal of a lover or revealing that their new honey raped someone I knew. I knew and accepted the possibility, sometimes I even anticipated, that what I'm about to say can end my friendships with them. But I was willing to risk faulty friendships and good times to keep my friends safe and embrace who I am for the right reasons. When negative consequences occurred, I still knew it was the right thing to do. I've finally reached a chapter in my life where I can embrace who I am because it's a great way to filter out people who aren't worth my time, I found myself hesitating and withholding my opinions, a dangerous choice and completely out of nature to who I am.
Living alone doesn't seem as lonely as I once suspected it to be because I have the presence and support of my friends. I was afraid of losing that, so I withheld information for my own selfish purposes and risked my friend. My close friend was dating a guy who made me really uneasy. I was really conflicted about him because he has a duplicate personality fusion hybrid thing going on. Most people who are as distasteful and vile as him don't have the capability and consideration to show the kind of respect he exercised. It confused me. I didn't used to allow this confusion to interfere with expressing my concerns. I'm not trying to remove any potential responsibility on my friend's poor judgment or her asshole ex-boyfriend, but I hate how I compromised my identity for my own selfish gain. I can't understand why now that I have friends who accept me for who I really am that I pretend to be someone I'm not.
I thought I made progress. I believe I'm a good person, but I wasn't the most considerate and selfless I can be. I've recently started to sacrifice my interests for others and put others before me. I was against it in the past because I really wanted what I wanted. I felt deprived my entire life, and I hate settling. But I've realized that doing something for others before me wasn't difficult and had its own reward. Not only did it teach me that I can do it with ease, but I practice not living with everything I want and deal with it successfully. So I was really disappointed by my action or lack of.
My friend's boyfriend used to unhook womens' bras as he walked by. Such obnoxious behavior, but it's also distasteful and crossing the line. You may not be raping her, but you're still crossing the line. He would shoot blanks at cars that took too long to respond to a green light. If someone cut him off on the road, he'd follow them and slash their cars with a weapon he proudly displays. I do believe that everyone makes mistakes, and that's not necessarily reason enough to not give them a second chance. But once you've crossed the line, it's easy to cross it again. That's not the kind of exposure I think my friend should have. She's not that kind of person. I guess we're both doing things that are unlike us.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Things to Buy
9. Silicone Bra
11. Vacuum Cleaner
12.
Friday, April 18, 2008
It Was One of Those Days
I meant to blog about this a few days ago when the feelings were fresh, but I really wasn't up for it. It was just one of those days when you feel so alone, so lost, so inadequate, so unimportant, and disposable. It wasn't triggered by an event or lack of. It's just an unavoidable feeling I face from time to time that I have to overcome. What I have to remember during those times is that the feelings pass. During the second day of a major heat increase, I got a fever. So that prompted a lazy mood. I ignored the dishes that were accumulating. When I felt better, rather than responsibly cleaning, I continued to neglect my tasks. So I forced myself to go outside as a way to re-energize. Unfortunately, it had an opposite effect. Being surrounded by people who had places to go, things to do, a direction to follow, goals to achieve, made me feel out of place. I think these concerns were building inside of me for a couple of days, but it didn't surface until I faced the outside world. I think staying inside conceals these feelings because I don't have to deal with them. It's the contrast that brings it out of me, feeling like I don't have the sense of purpose others, I imagine, possess. I used to believe that I need the energy of others to keep me centered, but that's because I relied on it. That dependence influenced my outcome. I felt disconnected at the absence of close friends, and hanging out lifted my spirits. I still believe that I need the energy of other people. Everyone does. Recent changes has forced me to stop relying on others, though, and I've learned that I can function normally being isolated when I have to be. Ultimately, I'm unwilling to tolerate my weaknesses, so I eradicate them any way I can. I'm starting to realize why others see me as a strong individual. I didn't see myself as a strong person in the past because I was so intolerant. People who've experienced half my pain and trauma show more tolerance, which I mistakenly associated with resilience. While there is a correlation between the two, they aren't one in the same. Being intolerant doesn't make me weak. It makes me demanding. It means I have standards, and I don't tolerate anything less. Feeling inadequate doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. I used to think people thought I was strong because of what I had to endure, not an inner strength that existed within me. I've now realized that although it was forced upon me, the fact that I endured it means I have strength. That's what I'm doing now. Sometimes, I'm so paralyzed with pain, but I always move forward, even if it's in the dark.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Annual Expenses and To-Do List
January
Visit my primary care physician and get my annual health exam.
Visit my gynecologist and get my pap smear and birth contraceptives.
February
Start saving up money for allergy and cold sore medications.
Start taking 1,000 mg of L-Lysine as a preventive measure for cold sores.
Schedule an appointment for my allergies.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores.
Reduce your seafood and fatty food intake as a way to avoid cold sore outbreaks.
March
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Buy fever reducer medications.
Make sure you have a working fan or buy one.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
April
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Have my kit ready: cold sore and allergy medications, fever reducers, thermometer, ice pack, fan.
Set up a working fan.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
May
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you you a pair of comfortable sandals.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Keep an eye out for pests and spray your unit with Ortho Home Defense Indoor Insect Killer.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Save up money for sun poison and heat rashes.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
June
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
July
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
August
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Start saving up money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
September
Buy money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Start getting a full night's sleep to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Have hand cream available to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
October
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
November
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
December
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
Visit my primary care physician and get my annual health exam.
Visit my gynecologist and get my pap smear and birth contraceptives.
February
Start saving up money for allergy and cold sore medications.
Start taking 1,000 mg of L-Lysine as a preventive measure for cold sores.
Schedule an appointment for my allergies.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores.
Reduce your seafood and fatty food intake as a way to avoid cold sore outbreaks.
March
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Buy fever reducer medications.
Make sure you have a working fan or buy one.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
April
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Have my kit ready: cold sore and allergy medications, fever reducers, thermometer, ice pack, fan.
Set up a working fan.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
May
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you you a pair of comfortable sandals.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Keep an eye out for pests and spray your unit with Ortho Home Defense Indoor Insect Killer.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Save up money for sun poison and heat rashes.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
June
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
July
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
August
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Start saving up money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
September
Buy money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Start getting a full night's sleep to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Have hand cream available to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
October
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
November
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
December
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Alleged Cold Sores Begin
On April 11, 2008, tiny dots on the outside of my lips started to form. Only one dot was most visible to me. This was probably a result of not getting a full night's sleep. My lips weren't chapped in that dry white hanging skin sort of way. My lips were a shade of dark red, which sometimes happens when my lips aren't very hydrated.
On April 12, 2008, I should've been asleep by midnight by I was up past one. I woke up today with even redder lips, and they felt tighter than the day before. There are tiny dots around the corner of my lips. With the slightest pressure, it feels a little wet, as though it's pus filled. I was up making roast chicken, which I started earlier. Eating the skin and bacon was probably not the best move. Weakening my immune system and consuming fatty foods is unfavorable.
I argue it's alleged cold sores because around this time of year, it's either cold sores, heat blisters, or sun poison. I suspect it's cold sores because the timing is right, and it was triggered by not getting a full night's sleep and a poor diet. Heat blisters or sun poison are usually triggered when I'm outside, and I have been outside, but it took a while for this outbreak to form. Plus, the heat blisters are a side effect of cold sores in my experience. Sun poison usually peels away my skin. I've actually had lip aggravations from the week before. A large red dot that wasn't pus filled on my left upper lip corner formed. I believe it developed when I was out since 9 in the morning on a sunny day of 70-ish degrees. It shrunk but didn't go away when I retreated from the light. I have to be careful because whatever this outbreak is I'm at risk for all of the above. My allergy meds are pricey, so balancing everything out is tricky.
My concerns: cold sores, heat blisters and sun poison on my lips and skin, severe eye allergies, clogged nasal passages that obstruct breathing, throat irritation that can block and develop behind the back of the throat, both breathing passages getting blocked, reaching a dangerous fever, my body overheating, my apartment overheating so much that it becomes a breeding ground for pests
Plan: Pay for my allergy meds, buy cold sore treatment, keep myself cool wearing shorts and using a Chinese fan, maybe buy a small cooler and alternate with the AC, use a lighter blanket, keep the windows open at night,
On April 12, 2008, I should've been asleep by midnight by I was up past one. I woke up today with even redder lips, and they felt tighter than the day before. There are tiny dots around the corner of my lips. With the slightest pressure, it feels a little wet, as though it's pus filled. I was up making roast chicken, which I started earlier. Eating the skin and bacon was probably not the best move. Weakening my immune system and consuming fatty foods is unfavorable.
I argue it's alleged cold sores because around this time of year, it's either cold sores, heat blisters, or sun poison. I suspect it's cold sores because the timing is right, and it was triggered by not getting a full night's sleep and a poor diet. Heat blisters or sun poison are usually triggered when I'm outside, and I have been outside, but it took a while for this outbreak to form. Plus, the heat blisters are a side effect of cold sores in my experience. Sun poison usually peels away my skin. I've actually had lip aggravations from the week before. A large red dot that wasn't pus filled on my left upper lip corner formed. I believe it developed when I was out since 9 in the morning on a sunny day of 70-ish degrees. It shrunk but didn't go away when I retreated from the light. I have to be careful because whatever this outbreak is I'm at risk for all of the above. My allergy meds are pricey, so balancing everything out is tricky.
My concerns: cold sores, heat blisters and sun poison on my lips and skin, severe eye allergies, clogged nasal passages that obstruct breathing, throat irritation that can block and develop behind the back of the throat, both breathing passages getting blocked, reaching a dangerous fever, my body overheating, my apartment overheating so much that it becomes a breeding ground for pests
Plan: Pay for my allergy meds, buy cold sore treatment, keep myself cool wearing shorts and using a Chinese fan, maybe buy a small cooler and alternate with the AC, use a lighter blanket, keep the windows open at night,
Friday, April 11, 2008
Household Supplies for April
9. Kleenex to go Packets
15. Showerhead
To-Do List
I have a pinched nerve again, and it's tugging at my hips. It's taking me longer than I'd like to warm up to standing! And I have a ton of errands to run. Luckily, I'm in no rush. And the warm weather is good for my hip. I'm surprised that my hips have become so aggravated with the absence of really cold weather, the usual trigger.
1. Recycle
2. Buy remaining groceries: ginger, whole roast chicken, garlic, lemons
3. Stop by the bank
4. Complete my organizing mission in the bedroom
5. Get a teeth cleaning
6. Pick up transcripts
7. Get a passport
8. Go to Chinatown
9. Pickle beets
10. Roast a chicken
11. Visit a botanical garden
12. Take photos
13. Clean the air purifier
14. Do the laundry
15. Wash the lingerie
16. Clean the windows
17. Pickle cucumbers
18. Drop off donations at Salvation Army
19. Post power drill
20. Get a haircut
21. Join an indoor cycling class
22. Clean the blinds
23. Create a craft drawer
24. Organize the books
25. Create a school drawer
26. Organize clothes drawers
5. Get a teeth cleaning
6. Pick up transcripts
7. Get a passport
11. Visit a botanical garden
12. Take photos
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Dedicated to My Boyfriend
My entries usually reflect my life and, more often than not, it involves epiphanies and unpleasant experiences. I neglect to blog about good things in my life because they don't bother me. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, they don't have as much of a priority to me because of it. When things bother me, I have to vent for my sanity. Yet with epiphanies, I make the time to address them, although they're aren't disruptive in my life, either. They're actually enlightening. That's an unfair double standard. If anything, I should use my energy more productively and positively by focusing on the better aspects of my life such as my boyfriend. I always felt cheesy bragging about my man. Every girl thinks she has the best. So who cares? But why am I so concerned about that? I certainly don't show the same consideration with other entries? Besides, one of my problems has always been ingratitude. I truly believe that when you expose yourself to positive energies, a positive environment, and live your life better that the universe will assist in your equilibrium. So, it's time I make a change. (For one thing, I should start focusing on not making my boyfriend's "entry" about me).
Here goes the cliques and the Ripley's Believe It or Not (exaggeration). My boyfriend is amazing. We've been together for over six years now, and our relationship is still fun, unpredictable, committed but also stable, loving, and evolving. It has a rare and healthy balance. It works because of who he is and who I am. I think that in a lot of relationships individuals don't know who they are, so their identity gets compromised. You can't have a successful relationship without knowing who you are. I know that I'm out of order with my whole bragging about my relationship, but it's not new. So, I'm less impressed with how awesome he is and way more touched by how good we are together. Going on and on about how amazing your man is is an act of a new relationship. Over time that dreamy perspective fogs with reality. When after all of that, you can look your lover in the eyes and really care about him, that's love. After all, it's easy to love someone who seems virtually perfect.
My boyfriend is far from perfect, but I love him. Perfection is unachievable, and I've learned to appreciate that reality. It makes things interesting. He's funny, which is significant because humor was never a requirement for me, as I have no humor whatsoever. And then I met him. I laugh so much that I have to make sure to moisturize. He's a great person, a wonderful friend, the most considerate roommate, and an amazing boyfriend. He's a successfully ATTENTIVE LISTENER. Trust me, I tested his abilities rigorously. I talk fast. I don't slow down. I have a lot to say. I've been compared to Six from the old TV show Blossom. She talks super fast. I didn't just test my boyfriend based on regular speed. In fact, out of amusement, with the predisposed notion that he would undoubtedly fail to comprehend anything I had to say, I spoke really, really quickly with random, irrelevant information every few sentences or so. Then I abruptly stopped and asked him what he thought. I just think it's funny to see guys panic, but to my surprise and shock, he heard EVERYTHING I said. Not just that but his listening skills are so refined that he corrected me. What a rare breed he is.
He's also sweet, caring, considerate, endlessly thoughtful, trusting, loving, understanding, and patient, great qualities for boyfriends to have. But the reality is, you can't live on Prince Charming qualities alone, long-term anyways. He's also intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, perceptive, innovative, and ambitious. These added qualities enrich our relationship and allow us to connect at a deeper level. We're crazy about each other, but we can also be adversaries. We can talk about anthropology and start cracking up. Okay, that just makes us sound immature and unfocused, which we sometimes are, but it's not like that. There's just so much more.
There are so many dimensions to our relationship, some of which I thought weren't possible. I love him because of who he is not just as a boyfriend but as a person. He has a strong sense of self, but so do I. That's so important. I've loved before, but it was never like this because it was the wrong guy but also I was different. I've always been a strong person, but I was also lost. You can't have a successful relationship until you discover who you are. We both know who we are, so we know that we work well together because we're not bullshitting. I love him for who he is. I love how he makes me feel. I love who I am when I'm with him. I love how we are together. There's a lot to be said about a happy and thriving relationship after all of these years. The crazy thing is that we're still learning a lot about each other. It's never boring for us.
Here goes the cliques and the Ripley's Believe It or Not (exaggeration). My boyfriend is amazing. We've been together for over six years now, and our relationship is still fun, unpredictable, committed but also stable, loving, and evolving. It has a rare and healthy balance. It works because of who he is and who I am. I think that in a lot of relationships individuals don't know who they are, so their identity gets compromised. You can't have a successful relationship without knowing who you are. I know that I'm out of order with my whole bragging about my relationship, but it's not new. So, I'm less impressed with how awesome he is and way more touched by how good we are together. Going on and on about how amazing your man is is an act of a new relationship. Over time that dreamy perspective fogs with reality. When after all of that, you can look your lover in the eyes and really care about him, that's love. After all, it's easy to love someone who seems virtually perfect.
My boyfriend is far from perfect, but I love him. Perfection is unachievable, and I've learned to appreciate that reality. It makes things interesting. He's funny, which is significant because humor was never a requirement for me, as I have no humor whatsoever. And then I met him. I laugh so much that I have to make sure to moisturize. He's a great person, a wonderful friend, the most considerate roommate, and an amazing boyfriend. He's a successfully ATTENTIVE LISTENER. Trust me, I tested his abilities rigorously. I talk fast. I don't slow down. I have a lot to say. I've been compared to Six from the old TV show Blossom. She talks super fast. I didn't just test my boyfriend based on regular speed. In fact, out of amusement, with the predisposed notion that he would undoubtedly fail to comprehend anything I had to say, I spoke really, really quickly with random, irrelevant information every few sentences or so. Then I abruptly stopped and asked him what he thought. I just think it's funny to see guys panic, but to my surprise and shock, he heard EVERYTHING I said. Not just that but his listening skills are so refined that he corrected me. What a rare breed he is.
He's also sweet, caring, considerate, endlessly thoughtful, trusting, loving, understanding, and patient, great qualities for boyfriends to have. But the reality is, you can't live on Prince Charming qualities alone, long-term anyways. He's also intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, perceptive, innovative, and ambitious. These added qualities enrich our relationship and allow us to connect at a deeper level. We're crazy about each other, but we can also be adversaries. We can talk about anthropology and start cracking up. Okay, that just makes us sound immature and unfocused, which we sometimes are, but it's not like that. There's just so much more.
There are so many dimensions to our relationship, some of which I thought weren't possible. I love him because of who he is not just as a boyfriend but as a person. He has a strong sense of self, but so do I. That's so important. I've loved before, but it was never like this because it was the wrong guy but also I was different. I've always been a strong person, but I was also lost. You can't have a successful relationship until you discover who you are. We both know who we are, so we know that we work well together because we're not bullshitting. I love him for who he is. I love how he makes me feel. I love who I am when I'm with him. I love how we are together. There's a lot to be said about a happy and thriving relationship after all of these years. The crazy thing is that we're still learning a lot about each other. It's never boring for us.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Beauty and Pain of Ballet
For most of my life, ballet was a part of me. I loved it, and I hated it. And I knew it, but I forgot what it was like until I came across this old poetry. I no longer see the world the way I saw it then. But it's still all true. What I couldn't understand was the appeal as I read my description. Back then, I saw both the pain and beauty in things. They're no longer one in the same. Pain used to be numbingly routine for me and was the standard. Now pain has washed away that it no longer agonizes me. But at a time when pain would paralyze me, I couldn't see the appeal until I had my epiphany. My life, then, was unbearable, full of pain, and I hated it, but it's also all that I knew. Ballet offered that familiarity but also a beauty that I never had before.
We are light as a feather
We are of grace and beauty
Our arms are like branches on a tree
They may never droop
Our body must drift along gracefully
As if being pulled by some string
Slowly gliding along the stage
All we must show is perfection
Our body being light as a feather
Being carried along
Confidence must be carried in our high necks
Our legs must be sturdy
They must lift up gently into the sky in all directions
And the whole time we will always remain balanced
This is the true body of a ballerina
We will show no strain or effort of any kind
We must act like we are flying
All along we will conceal our pain
Our heavy body feeling as if it's being weighed down as more seconds go by
Our uncomfortable necks feeling paralyzed
Our stiff arms feeling like they are stones
Our legs throbbing of pain
Our bleeding toes balancing on a block of wood
Full of fresh, sharp pain
The blisters forming at the tips of our toes
The bruses forming all around our feet
And everything just starts feeling like they're swelling so much
You feel like your feel will burst
And your legs will turn into crumbs
And you're ready to fall on your head
This is what ballet is all about
Pain and torture
Grace, balance, flexibility, endurance, and beauty
All in one box
To be a ballerina, you must be flexible in all ways
Without holding onto anything
Just hope
But not all is slow and flexible
It's also full of fast-acting pain which builds endurance
Agonizing jumps being done over and over and over
Quickly and quietly
In all sorts of speeds, counts, and forms
And different varieties of combinations
Ballet is Heaven and Hell put together
Ballet is Hell
And the ballerina is a lovely angel from Heaven
We are light as a feather
We are of grace and beauty
Our arms are like branches on a tree
They may never droop
Our body must drift along gracefully
As if being pulled by some string
Slowly gliding along the stage
All we must show is perfection
Our body being light as a feather
Being carried along
Confidence must be carried in our high necks
Our legs must be sturdy
They must lift up gently into the sky in all directions
And the whole time we will always remain balanced
This is the true body of a ballerina
We will show no strain or effort of any kind
We must act like we are flying
All along we will conceal our pain
Our heavy body feeling as if it's being weighed down as more seconds go by
Our uncomfortable necks feeling paralyzed
Our stiff arms feeling like they are stones
Our legs throbbing of pain
Our bleeding toes balancing on a block of wood
Full of fresh, sharp pain
The blisters forming at the tips of our toes
The bruses forming all around our feet
And everything just starts feeling like they're swelling so much
You feel like your feel will burst
And your legs will turn into crumbs
And you're ready to fall on your head
This is what ballet is all about
Pain and torture
Grace, balance, flexibility, endurance, and beauty
All in one box
To be a ballerina, you must be flexible in all ways
Without holding onto anything
Just hope
But not all is slow and flexible
It's also full of fast-acting pain which builds endurance
Agonizing jumps being done over and over and over
Quickly and quietly
In all sorts of speeds, counts, and forms
And different varieties of combinations
Ballet is Heaven and Hell put together
Ballet is Hell
And the ballerina is a lovely angel from Heaven
Lost Souls
I have a body just like everyone else
Yet I feel empty inside
I have a mind that supposedly has a brain that always seems to fail me
I have a pain in my chest that paralyzes me
From unimaginable pain
So I know I have a heart
Only it's there to just suffer
The emptiness inside me is the loss of a soul
Because I don't have a soul, I don't have a soul mate
The feeling of having pain inside to know you lost something you know you never had is almost worse than having your heart torn apart
Yet I feel empty inside
I have a mind that supposedly has a brain that always seems to fail me
I have a pain in my chest that paralyzes me
From unimaginable pain
So I know I have a heart
Only it's there to just suffer
The emptiness inside me is the loss of a soul
Because I don't have a soul, I don't have a soul mate
The feeling of having pain inside to know you lost something you know you never had is almost worse than having your heart torn apart
How I Saw Myself...Long Ago
Looking in the mirror, I see a dull girl
with such an unpleasant face
A face with spots and zits
Plain and heavy, black hair
Dark brown eyes to express my depression
Small, pale lips
And a thin, lean body without any feminine shape
There's nothing attractive about me
Not even a smile to brighten my face
But how can I?
Who will smile for themselves if they look like me?
I stare solemnly at my ugly face
Wondering why I couldn't be beautiful
Have luxurious long black hair, attractive eyes, luscious kissable lips, a flawless face
The only beauty I have is nothing but my imagination
with such an unpleasant face
A face with spots and zits
Plain and heavy, black hair
Dark brown eyes to express my depression
Small, pale lips
And a thin, lean body without any feminine shape
There's nothing attractive about me
Not even a smile to brighten my face
But how can I?
Who will smile for themselves if they look like me?
I stare solemnly at my ugly face
Wondering why I couldn't be beautiful
Have luxurious long black hair, attractive eyes, luscious kissable lips, a flawless face
The only beauty I have is nothing but my imagination
The First Stage
The wall I built to cover my emotions
won't enable me to express my feelings
My once strong and raging emotions trapped
weak and weary from trying to budget from my sturdy wall
Glued and sealed tightly together with no air to breathe
Impossible to explode
Almost lost feeling to what emotions are
And barely recognizable to me
Out of fear, my walls started to chip
Every little emotion came out
From mean words, sad stories, and lost friends
whom I haven't grieved over
My hope to release my emotions succeeded
But it's bursting full of speed out of control
My wish to release my emotions are starting to be questioned
My wall kept me outta trouble
And kept me from breaking down
It also covered my real identity
But who needs one here anyways?
They create who I am
I wrote this a long time ago. I don't even remember writing it, but it's definitely my handwriting, and I remember the feeling. So much has changed that I forgot where I came from, what I went through. I'm starting to realize why people consider me to be a strong person. I used to think they were all crap, and they had no idea what strength was. After all, if I'm so strong, why was I so weak? They didn't think I was weak, but they also didn't see that side of me. I couldn't escape it. I didn't consider strength to be what I tolerated and lived through. I felt weak, like I was going to collapse any minute. That's what I focused on, not what I overcame. Others didn't act like that is what I thought. And maybe I'm right, but I have no idea what goes on in the minds of others. Everyone says that who we are now is shaped from years of pain, love, suffering, and a myriad of other experiences. I never doubted it, but I never really examined my past before. I've become this overly-logical person who sees everything in black and white. I never really questioned why I became like this, but I remember now. I couldn't handle the gray areas, so I had to recolor everything. The contradiction is conveyed in this old poetry. I struggle now because I don't think emotionally, even when I should. To think back to a time when I was overrun by them. What a different time. A few months ago, a friend of mine passed away. The first thing that came to mind was the statistical likeliness of his death that I predicted was accurate. Of course, if you live your life that way you're going to die. But around the time that I wrote this poetry, I had a panic attack when another friend passed away. It's not that he meant more to me. My emotional receptors were working at the time.
won't enable me to express my feelings
My once strong and raging emotions trapped
weak and weary from trying to budget from my sturdy wall
Glued and sealed tightly together with no air to breathe
Impossible to explode
Almost lost feeling to what emotions are
And barely recognizable to me
Out of fear, my walls started to chip
Every little emotion came out
From mean words, sad stories, and lost friends
whom I haven't grieved over
My hope to release my emotions succeeded
But it's bursting full of speed out of control
My wish to release my emotions are starting to be questioned
My wall kept me outta trouble
And kept me from breaking down
It also covered my real identity
But who needs one here anyways?
They create who I am
I wrote this a long time ago. I don't even remember writing it, but it's definitely my handwriting, and I remember the feeling. So much has changed that I forgot where I came from, what I went through. I'm starting to realize why people consider me to be a strong person. I used to think they were all crap, and they had no idea what strength was. After all, if I'm so strong, why was I so weak? They didn't think I was weak, but they also didn't see that side of me. I couldn't escape it. I didn't consider strength to be what I tolerated and lived through. I felt weak, like I was going to collapse any minute. That's what I focused on, not what I overcame. Others didn't act like that is what I thought. And maybe I'm right, but I have no idea what goes on in the minds of others. Everyone says that who we are now is shaped from years of pain, love, suffering, and a myriad of other experiences. I never doubted it, but I never really examined my past before. I've become this overly-logical person who sees everything in black and white. I never really questioned why I became like this, but I remember now. I couldn't handle the gray areas, so I had to recolor everything. The contradiction is conveyed in this old poetry. I struggle now because I don't think emotionally, even when I should. To think back to a time when I was overrun by them. What a different time. A few months ago, a friend of mine passed away. The first thing that came to mind was the statistical likeliness of his death that I predicted was accurate. Of course, if you live your life that way you're going to die. But around the time that I wrote this poetry, I had a panic attack when another friend passed away. It's not that he meant more to me. My emotional receptors were working at the time.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Organizational Delay
As I was sorting through unmemorable photographs, I came across some meaningful ones of boyfriend and I. I was pleasantly surprised because we've been together for over six years now, and I feel like we have no evidence of that. I'm a picture person, but I'm more into photographing inanimate objects. Plus, my boyfriend's lazy eye really comes out in our photos, but it's not that obvious in person. I feel like photos don't really capture who we are. He always appears to be looking somewhere else. Even when I was photographed often, I never made the initiative. I guess a lot of time went by without much record. There's still quite a bit of photos of us that I want to display. I've decided to incorporate them into my craft projects. It's when I took the time to stop and think that I realized I barely mention my boyfriend. He's a huge part of my life, and he goes unacknowledged. I created labels for other people in my life, but I never did that for him. That reflects more negatively on my priorities. The thoughts I make an effort to post are troublesome, rarely are they about things I truly appreciate. That has to change. He means the world to me.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Past Memories
As I was sorting through my old stuff to create a better organization system, I came across a lot of past memories. I'm not a very sentimental person, so my photos really didn't mean much to me. To tell you the truth, I actually had an epiphany about them. At the time, I thought I was having a blast and I was. Looking at them now, those photos seem so empty, cold, and without purpose. I remember the party, the people, the fun, but there was no emotional attachment and I couldn't remember some peoples' names. I could recall all the parties we've been to and outfits worn, but everything about it was so superficial. I had two boxes, one filled with notecards about anthropology, communication, journalism, and nutrition and another filled with photos. I threw out most of the photos because while some people look at them and reminisce, I felt stupid for not remembering anyone's names. I just don't think I should keep items that take up space I really need for people who I can't even remember. Plus, if I don't bother to look at them, I'm not going to enjoy them. The only photos I kept were of friends from middle school, attractive pictures of me, photos of my boyfriend and I, and a few photo with someone who's no longer my friend. I'm well aware that keeping photos of failed friendships is like poison to my memories, but I'm just not ready to let her go. In spite of what she did, it wasn't long ago that she meant a lot to me. I wanted her to be my maid of honor, and she was like a sister to me. I'm smart enough to cut ties with someone who's willing to sabotage others to get what she wants, uses my friendship as a desperate tool to seduce an unavailable guy, and attempt to cling onto his attention by shit talking about me and even starting to crap with me to give it credibility, but I'm not rational enough to dispose of the photos yet. I'll get there. I'm usually overly logical, so I figure I'm entitled to one emotionally-driven decision.
Hand-written letters, theoretically, for me anyways, are more meaningful. With context and background information, I can resurface past memories and emotions, as though I was transported to my past. I forgot how much of a dynamic and social person I was. I remember the parties and going out, but it becomes a distant memory with details that dull over time. I totally forgot the details about how it made me feel, all the crazy drama that came with it, etc. especially when I looked through the photos only to recall very little. But as I was reading some of my letters, I started to remember. Don't pull a --- Stay good. Be good. Let it --- go. Fuck ---- That was so crazy. No more fires. The Psycho Clique. They don't mean much to others, but it made me realize that it wasn't just partying. It was a part of who I was. I've always been a complicated and dynamic person. My social life didn't mask that. It just appeared differently.
But I also realized something really important. Even the people I'm no longer friends with and the vacuous photos reminded me of how important I was in their lives. I would hear of someone making an elaborate gesture or even little things that were incredible for their friends. While I was happy for the recipient, I did envy them because I never had that...or so I thought. So what if I didn't have a five block long bonfire dedicated exclusively for my "birthday". It was probably word of mouth that brought all of those people together. Hell, that's why I was there. I've never even met the birthday girl. But my friends took time out of their lives to personalize their letters for me. One friend always wrote with two pens outlining each word she wrote down to reflect my duality as she called it. There was another friend who bought pounds of violet colored papers to write just for me because they're my favorite. She said they're beautiful like me but also rough like me. I got a lot of feel better care packages when I was home alone with handmade letters. I feel like I offer good advice, but it often goes ignored. Piles of letters suggest otherwise with simple thank yous. A lot of details, effort, and time was put in for me. Mixed CDs, photos, handmade cards, chocolates, etc. I butt heads with a lot of people because I'm honest. I cut through the bullshit, and it bothers a lot of people. If you ask me what I think about your outfit, and I think it's slutty, I'll tell you, even at the expense of pot calling the kettle black. People can't distinguish the difference between the disgust I have in the outfit vs. the person. Apply that philosophy in other areas, and that's me. I don't want to waste time with people who don't value my sincerity anyways. But because of that I've always believed that people don't care about me the way others do. I'm glad I'm wrong, and I've realized that.
Ultimately I've decided to throw most of the letters out because that's my past. It's important to remember my past so that I can appreciate what I have and how much I've changed, but keeping on to essentially clutter that's taking up space I need isn't going to do me any good. I don't look through my letters often enough to have much value anyways. It's just made me realize how much I've changed, how much everything's changed, and yet so many things remain the same. Friendships I chose to end felt right at the time, but now I know I've made the right decision because years later, they're still such bitches. And to think, they used to be like me, which means I could've turned out like them.
Hand-written letters, theoretically, for me anyways, are more meaningful. With context and background information, I can resurface past memories and emotions, as though I was transported to my past. I forgot how much of a dynamic and social person I was. I remember the parties and going out, but it becomes a distant memory with details that dull over time. I totally forgot the details about how it made me feel, all the crazy drama that came with it, etc. especially when I looked through the photos only to recall very little. But as I was reading some of my letters, I started to remember. Don't pull a --- Stay good. Be good. Let it --- go. Fuck ---- That was so crazy. No more fires. The Psycho Clique. They don't mean much to others, but it made me realize that it wasn't just partying. It was a part of who I was. I've always been a complicated and dynamic person. My social life didn't mask that. It just appeared differently.
But I also realized something really important. Even the people I'm no longer friends with and the vacuous photos reminded me of how important I was in their lives. I would hear of someone making an elaborate gesture or even little things that were incredible for their friends. While I was happy for the recipient, I did envy them because I never had that...or so I thought. So what if I didn't have a five block long bonfire dedicated exclusively for my "birthday". It was probably word of mouth that brought all of those people together. Hell, that's why I was there. I've never even met the birthday girl. But my friends took time out of their lives to personalize their letters for me. One friend always wrote with two pens outlining each word she wrote down to reflect my duality as she called it. There was another friend who bought pounds of violet colored papers to write just for me because they're my favorite. She said they're beautiful like me but also rough like me. I got a lot of feel better care packages when I was home alone with handmade letters. I feel like I offer good advice, but it often goes ignored. Piles of letters suggest otherwise with simple thank yous. A lot of details, effort, and time was put in for me. Mixed CDs, photos, handmade cards, chocolates, etc. I butt heads with a lot of people because I'm honest. I cut through the bullshit, and it bothers a lot of people. If you ask me what I think about your outfit, and I think it's slutty, I'll tell you, even at the expense of pot calling the kettle black. People can't distinguish the difference between the disgust I have in the outfit vs. the person. Apply that philosophy in other areas, and that's me. I don't want to waste time with people who don't value my sincerity anyways. But because of that I've always believed that people don't care about me the way others do. I'm glad I'm wrong, and I've realized that.
Ultimately I've decided to throw most of the letters out because that's my past. It's important to remember my past so that I can appreciate what I have and how much I've changed, but keeping on to essentially clutter that's taking up space I need isn't going to do me any good. I don't look through my letters often enough to have much value anyways. It's just made me realize how much I've changed, how much everything's changed, and yet so many things remain the same. Friendships I chose to end felt right at the time, but now I know I've made the right decision because years later, they're still such bitches. And to think, they used to be like me, which means I could've turned out like them.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I Want to Find My Thing
I truly believe that everyone is endowed with a unique gift that makes us original. It's just a matter of finding or developing it. Some people have computer skills. Some people have lyrical talent. Some people have healing hands. Some people have dancing. Some people have debating or negotiating skills. I have writing. (Please don't judge my potential through my blogs). I happen to have a gift and are given many compliments as a result. I enjoy writing. It's something I'm good at. Emphasis on the previous sentence. It's something I'm good at. But it's not necessarily something I'm moved by. Others have found true happiness in their gift. It transforms them to a different world. It stops time. Everything slows down. Their surrounding troubles don't exist there. It's a place they can call their own. I don't have that, but I want it. I want something that truly inspires me, not some convenient talent that I cling onto as a way to feel connected, to be a part of something, to be of value. It's time I stop focusing on what I can offer to society. And it's time I focus on what society can offer me. It's at that point when I'll stop trying to have what others have, as a desperate attempt to mask my loneliness and inadequacies. It'll no longer be about emulating a sense of value. It'll be about having value in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time being selfish and ungrateful that I forget how much I deny myself. I spent so much of my life escaping my environment and bettering myself that I neglected to realize that I'm unhappy. I'm just glad to be alive is what I thought. And that's great, but my standards should be and will soon be higher than that. Now that I'm in a place where I can think of only myself, I've realized that I don't know what happiness truly is. I wasn't able to distinguish between being a part of something and it being a part of me. Feeling second place, not being good enough has always been a permanent feeling that existed within me that I've almost gotten used to it. Settling was a way of life for me. I certainly don't have the emotional agility to accept my failures, so I lived a lie instead.
Ballet was never my thing, not really. It passed by the time. It gave me something to do, something to look forward to. Others admired my commitment and was envious that I had something to call my own. I heard it so many times that I almost started believing it. Combine that with ballet dancers who truly loved what they did and being exposed to that, day in and day out, and conveyed in a way that implied I was a part of it. I had never felt that before. It was nice. The only problem was that it wasn't coming from me. It came from everyone but me. There's only so long you can live in a shell until it starts to break down and fall apart. But rather than finding a new shell, I want to grow in my own. I had no idea what I was missing out on until I saw and felt the joy in others. On one end, I was so, so, so happy for them. On the other end, I felt like I swallowed poison and I couldn't breathe. I can't do this anymore.
I can't ignore the fact that I settled for ballet because I don't have rhythm, but I've always been so attracted to dance that I settled for the most tangible choice available, the slowest dance form that I can follow. I can't ignore the fact that writing only brings me pleasure because of the compliments I receive. Truthfully, they don't even have much value anymore. You're a great writer is an overused compliment and generally within everyone's potential to receive if people simply put more effort. So, conveniently, I'm only special because of other people's laziness and lack of drive, not because of what I possess but what others neglect to refine. I can't ignore the fact that writing is my perverse form of enjoyment because of the approval I get from others. I want something that enriches my life, not others. I wonder what that is... I'm familiar with what I'm bad at and what I don't enjoy, but I'm completely unaware of what I'm good at, what will change my life.
Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time being selfish and ungrateful that I forget how much I deny myself. I spent so much of my life escaping my environment and bettering myself that I neglected to realize that I'm unhappy. I'm just glad to be alive is what I thought. And that's great, but my standards should be and will soon be higher than that. Now that I'm in a place where I can think of only myself, I've realized that I don't know what happiness truly is. I wasn't able to distinguish between being a part of something and it being a part of me. Feeling second place, not being good enough has always been a permanent feeling that existed within me that I've almost gotten used to it. Settling was a way of life for me. I certainly don't have the emotional agility to accept my failures, so I lived a lie instead.
Ballet was never my thing, not really. It passed by the time. It gave me something to do, something to look forward to. Others admired my commitment and was envious that I had something to call my own. I heard it so many times that I almost started believing it. Combine that with ballet dancers who truly loved what they did and being exposed to that, day in and day out, and conveyed in a way that implied I was a part of it. I had never felt that before. It was nice. The only problem was that it wasn't coming from me. It came from everyone but me. There's only so long you can live in a shell until it starts to break down and fall apart. But rather than finding a new shell, I want to grow in my own. I had no idea what I was missing out on until I saw and felt the joy in others. On one end, I was so, so, so happy for them. On the other end, I felt like I swallowed poison and I couldn't breathe. I can't do this anymore.
I can't ignore the fact that I settled for ballet because I don't have rhythm, but I've always been so attracted to dance that I settled for the most tangible choice available, the slowest dance form that I can follow. I can't ignore the fact that writing only brings me pleasure because of the compliments I receive. Truthfully, they don't even have much value anymore. You're a great writer is an overused compliment and generally within everyone's potential to receive if people simply put more effort. So, conveniently, I'm only special because of other people's laziness and lack of drive, not because of what I possess but what others neglect to refine. I can't ignore the fact that writing is my perverse form of enjoyment because of the approval I get from others. I want something that enriches my life, not others. I wonder what that is... I'm familiar with what I'm bad at and what I don't enjoy, but I'm completely unaware of what I'm good at, what will change my life.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Just the Outer Shell
I talk to her. I see her. I hear her. She looks like her. But I don't see any signs of my friend. I'm not surprised, though. It looks like, from an outsider's point of view, she's losing all sense of herself. It's like she doesn't know who she is anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she ever did. She just keeps conforming into what others want to see in her. They don't see her for who she is or was, whatever that may be, that they don't appreciate her. So they continue to influence and change her. Although it's not fair to blame them entirely. If others are successful in manipulating her, she has to bear some responsibility for her susceptibility. That's the burden of being an adult. Mentally, though, she's a pouty child. I knew her before her teenage years when she still had an accent from her native language. It's a little late now to be behaving this way. Everyone's entitled to go through a bitch phase. It's the complaints, criticisms, and everything that comes with that that helps you define who you are. I guess it's better late than never, but she's not being productive. It's like she occupies her time complaining so that she doesn't have to face the world she's chosen to live in. This isn't who I became friends with. This isn't who I remember. People change. But are these natural changes that occur in everyone, or is she an entirely different person? I used to relate to her. I used to enjoy her company. We used to have the same perspective, communication skills, and mindset. Now, she's completely unidentifiable. Sometimes, I see people as reminders of what I don't want to become. I hate to admit it, but she's become one of those people. I lost a friend like that in middle school. She was athletic, intelligent, articulate, strong, and full of potential. Now, she's homeless, fucking guys who own convenience stores to stay alive so that she can sustain her crack habit. She's not this far gone, but I don't like seeing my friends as reminders of what I don't want to become because that's a sign of failure.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm Coping Surprisingly Well
I'm glad to report that I'm coping surprisingly well to allergy season. Perhaps it's too early to tell, but I think getting conjunctivitis has really disciplined me. I saw my optometrist at the first sign of an allergic reaction. He gave me some eye drops that stopped working recently. The first day that my eyes started itching, I developed conjunctivitis. I was horrified. For an entire day, half of my vision was obstructed. I'm better now. My nose is still runny but not nearly as much. My head feels a little stuffy and heavy, at times, but I'm not disoriented and move at normal speed. I just hope I can get through the entire allergy season like this.
My physician is only available on Fridays, and her first available appointment is after the allergy season in July. On top of that, my hospital refuses to replace my primary care physician. Last year, I waited hours to be seen once I was there and weeks to be scheduled. I went through three boxes of tissue paper, and I used them thoroughly. My eyes were raw red, and I was sneezing so loudly that the people outside in the waiting room kept complaining about the nose. Yet, somehow they managed to ignore me. It must be the spider effect. I'd rather not have to deal with that again. I've tried multiple physicians without success.
My physician is only available on Fridays, and her first available appointment is after the allergy season in July. On top of that, my hospital refuses to replace my primary care physician. Last year, I waited hours to be seen once I was there and weeks to be scheduled. I went through three boxes of tissue paper, and I used them thoroughly. My eyes were raw red, and I was sneezing so loudly that the people outside in the waiting room kept complaining about the nose. Yet, somehow they managed to ignore me. It must be the spider effect. I'd rather not have to deal with that again. I've tried multiple physicians without success.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My So-Called Birthday Celebration
I really don't mind if my birthday isn't celebrated but would gladly appreciate it if it was. I don't think my point of view is unreasonable. I'm open to either possibility, BUT whatever decision is made, I'd like the promise to be kept.
Mean what you say
Say what you mean
Now, if there was a family emergency or a car accident, that would understandably and naturally come first. But it wasn't like that. I was so grateful when my friend called and said he'd get me an espresso cake in honor of my birthday. Since I knew that money was in short supply for him, I suggested that maybe everyone can split the cost. I'm okay with pitching in. If it helps lessen the blow for my friends, why not? But they find it unthinkable for the birthday girl to contribute financially, so I told him that financial arrangements would have to be made with others. He seemed to acknowledge what I said and agreed. He ended the conversation by reminding me that he doesn't eat cake, so he doesn't know where to buy an espresso cake.
Well, few people do. Espresso cake isn't a very popular choice. But it was his expectation, previous quarrels, and perspective that really annoyed me. He told me that because he doesn't eat cakes, he doesn't know where to buy it, so I have to give him the details. I should also mention that he also claims to be an expert researcher. And yet something as basic as using google to find a local bakery is lost on him. I'm astounded when using google or the yellow pages to get phone numbers and make inquiries are foreign concepts to people but especially ones who claim to be expert researchers. This method is so basic and simplistic that the elementary school version of me has even practiced it. It'd be easier to think that he was too lazy to go through the effort, but I know better than that. Because of his informal training in research, he doesn't know about this common practice, and he doesn't have a researcher's mentality to come up with this idea on his own. He's so overconfident about his ability that he's even gone as far as scrutinizing my researching skills. The idea that someone as ignorant as him comfortably criticizes me offends me greatly at a time like this. When any effort is required, he's unable to complete the task.
Quite frankly, I don't feel comfortable putting effort into my own birthday cake for a number of reasons. It's a spoiled point of view, but it's my birthday. I don't want to do all of the work. Birthday cakes are usually the responsibility of others. It's not fair to put the burden onto others over a tradition that not everyone agrees upon, and that's why I'm more than willing to go without a birthday cake. But when a promise to provide me an espresso cake is over exaggerated, I expect that promise to be delivered.
I also don't want to overstep my boundaries. When it's someone else's birthday cake, I can find out how much each person can afford to pitch in and follow that budget. No one's going to tell the birthday girl what their budget is. So, I'd be walking in blind. If I selected the cheapest cake, some of my petty friends would be insulted that I have such low standards for them. Anything pricier, and they'd probably think I'm being a selfish bitch. As someone who always makes the arrangements, I know how much repeated efforts has to be made. I call and make sure everyone's okay with splitting the cost of something. They usually agree and claim that whatever the amount is, they can easily pay. With experience, I've learned that their promises aren't reliable. By the time they view the receipt, it's a different story. The cost can be $10, and sometimes it's unaffordable. Other times, $35 is completely acceptable. The inconsistency is frustrating, but I can't force more accuracy out of them. So, I provide everyone with an estimate. That's when I get more insight. Taking that into account, I provide everyone with the exact cost. I usually have to reiterate that, as well. And then, alas, it's finalized. It's a nuisance for everyone, but my friends' have shared their appreciation for my considerate and diligent efforts. Coming from the birthday girl, though, it sounds demanding and high-maintenance. I'd be creating an uncomfortable environment of obligatory demands. As if that weren't bad enough, if I did proceed, I know for sure that one of my friends wouldn't stop complaining about the financial impact it's had on him, jokingly but nonetheless sincere. I don't know why he would think it's funny to constantly complain about how I'm responsible for him having no money...but that's okay because it's my birthday comments with a sarcastic attitude. I don't feel comfortable doing that in virtually every circumstance but especially for my birthday cake, after being told that it would be taken care of. Yeah right. Always read the fine print. It'd be taken care of, as long as I do everything! How considerate and thoughtful of him. I'm so moved. (sarcasm)
I prefer no cake or a gifted cake. A sense of desperation comes to mind when I arrange my own birthday cake purchase. I'll admit it. I expect others to purchase a cake for me. That doesn't mean that you have to oblige. I hate how disingenuous and manipulative he was. Had I have known what I know now, I would have declined. What the hell made him think that I would want to be promised a cake that everyone will take care of only to be burdened with all the arrangement responsibilities? From a one-sided point of view, I can understand how someone doesn't want to be responsible for that. We all know what it's like to defer responsibility. We don't always even want to put effort into ourselves. So is it so surprising that he doesn't want to put effort into others? I completely empathize with that. But why offer it if you don't want to? I certainly didn't coerce him into it. What's worse is that if this happened to him, he would cry like a little bitch. Okay, so, I'm exaggerating, but my point is that he would find it unacceptable. Is it so hard to believe that others would feel the same?
And believe me when I say that I didn't go on a power trip, take away everyone's responsibilities, and blame others for their incompetence. In retrospect, I probably should have. I entrusted him with this and everyone else involved. I only offered to make dinner for everyone. That was it. He said he'll bring the cake to the dinner party. It was roasted chicken with baby potatoes, asparagus, and lemons as the poultry/main dish. I also made lemon-infused quinoa (pronounced keen-WAH) as a source of grain. I don't invite people over for dinner parties until I have a time line. I told everyone to be over at 5 PM. Two hours later, he calls me to ask when to come over. When I remind him about when it began, he has the audacity to express with an impatient tone that I never told him. Even worse when I first invited him, I left him a voicemail, stating the time. He calls back to tell me that he doesn't remember the contents of the message. So I had to repeat myself. Yet he questions the credibility of my memory? Only one person arrived on time. We spent a good two hours waiting on everyone else who showed up late and didn't have the decency to call to let us know that they were running late. At this point, I suspected that I wasn't going to get a cake. They couldn't even be trusted to get the time right. How could they possibly arrange to buy a cake that should be equally achievable but is probably far more mentally rigorous for them?
My friend and I eventually started eating dinner without them. By the time everyone else arrived, he looks at me when he asks, "Where's the cake?" What the fuck? Why would he ask me that? I should be asking him, but showing up empty-handed answered my question. I reminded him that it was his responsibility. He responds with, "I don't even eat cake. I just said I'd pay for it. It was everyone else's responsibility." I would argue that it's shared responsibility. But if believes that it's everyone else's responsibility, he should have made it clear to everyone else. Apparently, he didn't. Everyone just assumed that everyone else would take care of it without inquiry. Past experiences didn't tip them off that coordination has to be conducted by at least one person, and if someone was coordinating it, they would find out about it? The fact that they didn't get inquiries from a coordinator should've tipped them off that it wasn't being taken care of. Apparently chronic boredom, a lack of responsibilities, and occasional night classes occupied so much of their time and energy that it interfered with basic logic. That's a little upsetting, but I can accept that. They're embracing who they are.
What upset me was when everyone seemed disappointed that there was no cake and everyone was looking to me, saying that it was for my birthday. Exactly. Everyone had an excuse for deferring responsibility that was considered acceptable. So, why was I getting blamed for not getting it done? The people who are supposed to do it, don't do it. The girl who's not supposed to do it, doesn't do it and gets blamed for their orders. How does that make any sense?
Everyone seemed to like the dinner I made. But there were two guys whose sincerity I question. They both said it was good and liked the crunchy skin and how the flavor just blended. But they were both trying to convince the other to finish off the chicken. When I say that I don't mind when people don't like my cooking, I mean it. We have a friend who's extremely picky, and I have to alter the flavor for her. Her facial expressions blatantly reveal disgust towards asparagus, basil, celery, parsley, and quinoa. But my friend doesn't like to see anything go to waste, so he sat there arguing. He doesn't like to eat certain foods. He doesn't like food to go to waste. So sometimes he'll consume food he doesn't want to eat as a way to prevent any food wasting. I can understand his conflict, but I hate how rude he is. What makes him think that I want to hear him whine about not wanting to eat the food he's eating? Inevitably, he'll eat the remains because that's his decision. It's something he doesn't want to do, but he can keep it to himself. I don't see why he can't just exercise his decision silently. Trying to force someone else to eat it because he doesn't want to is inconsiderate. Hey, eat this food that I wouldn't touch. I know this is going to sound bias coming from me, but I'm not a bad cook. Although I don't even think a bad cook deserves this treatment. Showing respect to your friend and exercising some manners for yourself shouldn't be that difficult.
My friends show up late without a cake, looking to me for answers. They argue over who eats the last piece of chicken. That's a crappy so-called birthday celebration. They aren't even finished with their inconsideration, though. My friend suggests getting the cake at that moment. Valid questions from my only logical friend went ignored: Are we going to eat there or take it to-go? Are we taking one car or two? I preferred staying there and getting a large cake, as it creates more of a birthday atmosphere. I said this because they asked for my opinion and made this whole deal about what the birthday girl wants is important. But the second I said something they didn't like, they started complaining about not wanting to pay tip, preferring to choose their own cake flavors, etc. Why even ask for my opinion then? They already have their preferences. No birthday girl wants to be amped up only to be shot down. And birthday girl or not, is it so unreasonable to expect my friends to show more consideration and honesty? They don't have an opinion until they oppose mine? Please, that's bullshit.
After an hour, we step out of my apartment without any questions answered other than we'd be taking one car, as finding two parking spots available are unlikely. My friend stated that his car is a four seater, so it'll be uncomfortable. That's not his fault. Everyone acknowledged it. Then the two people I shared the back seat with wouldn't stop complaining about how cramped it was. They started whining about how two cars would make more sense. I thought we established that two cars don't make sense if there's no parking, but I suggested that they take a second car then. They, unsurprisingly, declined and chose to continue their rants. That was enjoyable.
We decided to sit down and order the cake at the restaurant. One friend suggested that everyone else should pick the flavor of the large cake, so I don't have to think. My friend who suggested this didn't want to actually be a part of that idea and the Domino effect spread. But when I tried to pick the cake, they covered the menu. This went on for over an hour. It took so damn long that my friend's food arrived and he finished it. I started requiring everyone to select at least 2 flavors that appealed to them. That didn't get very far, and eventually everyone designated me to pick. It would've been easier to ask me from the beginning. They didn't like vanilla bean cheesecake, though. How was I supposed to know? Even though I was misled about everything, I selected a cake I liked. But I wasn't able to enjoy it, as everyone kept bitching about it.
Then, at the last possible second, one of my friend's tells me that she has to borrow money because she doesn't have any. I don't mind lending money to someone who needs it. But how inconsiderate of her to pawn it on me at the last possible second. This was supposed to be for my birthday that everyone was supposed to pay for, so it's a little irresponsible to assume that I'll have money for others. When I was venting about this to one of my other friends, he thought it was so fucked up that she expected the birthday girl to pay. I wouldn't go that far because while it's a little unorthodox, it isn't like money will magically appear because I happened to be born on a day that she doesn't have money. I don't have a problem with her being broke. I have a problem with her designating me to be financially responsible for her without my prior consent. I agreed to it, and she couldn't shut up about how she didn't have money, as though I gave a shit. I was actually starting to laugh with someone else when she kept butting into the conversation to repeat herself, that she had no money, that no one told her that we were going out, etc. I get it. She's an irresponsible bitch. Can I finally have my fun now?
Personally, I don't consider irresponsible behavior to be excusable. She's a grown adult. She should have $20 on her. But if she wants to be careless when it comes to her own life, that's her prerogative. LIke I said, she's an adult. What I have a problem with his how she involved me without even considering me. She may not have known before she left her place that we were going to go out, but she knew we were going to a restaurant when we left my apartment. Why couldn't she ask me to loan her money then? I actually have cash at home.
The company, the cake, the logic, or more specifically, lack, and the overall experience wasn't worth it. Oh and one of my friends kept leaving the table whenever the Lakers were on. Not everyone minds the absence of their friends' while celebrating someone's birthday, but is it such a foreign concept that it's rude to walk out on a dinner table multiple times?
That was my so-called birthday celebration.
Mean what you say
Say what you mean
Now, if there was a family emergency or a car accident, that would understandably and naturally come first. But it wasn't like that. I was so grateful when my friend called and said he'd get me an espresso cake in honor of my birthday. Since I knew that money was in short supply for him, I suggested that maybe everyone can split the cost. I'm okay with pitching in. If it helps lessen the blow for my friends, why not? But they find it unthinkable for the birthday girl to contribute financially, so I told him that financial arrangements would have to be made with others. He seemed to acknowledge what I said and agreed. He ended the conversation by reminding me that he doesn't eat cake, so he doesn't know where to buy an espresso cake.
Well, few people do. Espresso cake isn't a very popular choice. But it was his expectation, previous quarrels, and perspective that really annoyed me. He told me that because he doesn't eat cakes, he doesn't know where to buy it, so I have to give him the details. I should also mention that he also claims to be an expert researcher. And yet something as basic as using google to find a local bakery is lost on him. I'm astounded when using google or the yellow pages to get phone numbers and make inquiries are foreign concepts to people but especially ones who claim to be expert researchers. This method is so basic and simplistic that the elementary school version of me has even practiced it. It'd be easier to think that he was too lazy to go through the effort, but I know better than that. Because of his informal training in research, he doesn't know about this common practice, and he doesn't have a researcher's mentality to come up with this idea on his own. He's so overconfident about his ability that he's even gone as far as scrutinizing my researching skills. The idea that someone as ignorant as him comfortably criticizes me offends me greatly at a time like this. When any effort is required, he's unable to complete the task.
Quite frankly, I don't feel comfortable putting effort into my own birthday cake for a number of reasons. It's a spoiled point of view, but it's my birthday. I don't want to do all of the work. Birthday cakes are usually the responsibility of others. It's not fair to put the burden onto others over a tradition that not everyone agrees upon, and that's why I'm more than willing to go without a birthday cake. But when a promise to provide me an espresso cake is over exaggerated, I expect that promise to be delivered.
I also don't want to overstep my boundaries. When it's someone else's birthday cake, I can find out how much each person can afford to pitch in and follow that budget. No one's going to tell the birthday girl what their budget is. So, I'd be walking in blind. If I selected the cheapest cake, some of my petty friends would be insulted that I have such low standards for them. Anything pricier, and they'd probably think I'm being a selfish bitch. As someone who always makes the arrangements, I know how much repeated efforts has to be made. I call and make sure everyone's okay with splitting the cost of something. They usually agree and claim that whatever the amount is, they can easily pay. With experience, I've learned that their promises aren't reliable. By the time they view the receipt, it's a different story. The cost can be $10, and sometimes it's unaffordable. Other times, $35 is completely acceptable. The inconsistency is frustrating, but I can't force more accuracy out of them. So, I provide everyone with an estimate. That's when I get more insight. Taking that into account, I provide everyone with the exact cost. I usually have to reiterate that, as well. And then, alas, it's finalized. It's a nuisance for everyone, but my friends' have shared their appreciation for my considerate and diligent efforts. Coming from the birthday girl, though, it sounds demanding and high-maintenance. I'd be creating an uncomfortable environment of obligatory demands. As if that weren't bad enough, if I did proceed, I know for sure that one of my friends wouldn't stop complaining about the financial impact it's had on him, jokingly but nonetheless sincere. I don't know why he would think it's funny to constantly complain about how I'm responsible for him having no money...but that's okay because it's my birthday comments with a sarcastic attitude. I don't feel comfortable doing that in virtually every circumstance but especially for my birthday cake, after being told that it would be taken care of. Yeah right. Always read the fine print. It'd be taken care of, as long as I do everything! How considerate and thoughtful of him. I'm so moved. (sarcasm)
I prefer no cake or a gifted cake. A sense of desperation comes to mind when I arrange my own birthday cake purchase. I'll admit it. I expect others to purchase a cake for me. That doesn't mean that you have to oblige. I hate how disingenuous and manipulative he was. Had I have known what I know now, I would have declined. What the hell made him think that I would want to be promised a cake that everyone will take care of only to be burdened with all the arrangement responsibilities? From a one-sided point of view, I can understand how someone doesn't want to be responsible for that. We all know what it's like to defer responsibility. We don't always even want to put effort into ourselves. So is it so surprising that he doesn't want to put effort into others? I completely empathize with that. But why offer it if you don't want to? I certainly didn't coerce him into it. What's worse is that if this happened to him, he would cry like a little bitch. Okay, so, I'm exaggerating, but my point is that he would find it unacceptable. Is it so hard to believe that others would feel the same?
And believe me when I say that I didn't go on a power trip, take away everyone's responsibilities, and blame others for their incompetence. In retrospect, I probably should have. I entrusted him with this and everyone else involved. I only offered to make dinner for everyone. That was it. He said he'll bring the cake to the dinner party. It was roasted chicken with baby potatoes, asparagus, and lemons as the poultry/main dish. I also made lemon-infused quinoa (pronounced keen-WAH) as a source of grain. I don't invite people over for dinner parties until I have a time line. I told everyone to be over at 5 PM. Two hours later, he calls me to ask when to come over. When I remind him about when it began, he has the audacity to express with an impatient tone that I never told him. Even worse when I first invited him, I left him a voicemail, stating the time. He calls back to tell me that he doesn't remember the contents of the message. So I had to repeat myself. Yet he questions the credibility of my memory? Only one person arrived on time. We spent a good two hours waiting on everyone else who showed up late and didn't have the decency to call to let us know that they were running late. At this point, I suspected that I wasn't going to get a cake. They couldn't even be trusted to get the time right. How could they possibly arrange to buy a cake that should be equally achievable but is probably far more mentally rigorous for them?
My friend and I eventually started eating dinner without them. By the time everyone else arrived, he looks at me when he asks, "Where's the cake?" What the fuck? Why would he ask me that? I should be asking him, but showing up empty-handed answered my question. I reminded him that it was his responsibility. He responds with, "I don't even eat cake. I just said I'd pay for it. It was everyone else's responsibility." I would argue that it's shared responsibility. But if believes that it's everyone else's responsibility, he should have made it clear to everyone else. Apparently, he didn't. Everyone just assumed that everyone else would take care of it without inquiry. Past experiences didn't tip them off that coordination has to be conducted by at least one person, and if someone was coordinating it, they would find out about it? The fact that they didn't get inquiries from a coordinator should've tipped them off that it wasn't being taken care of. Apparently chronic boredom, a lack of responsibilities, and occasional night classes occupied so much of their time and energy that it interfered with basic logic. That's a little upsetting, but I can accept that. They're embracing who they are.
What upset me was when everyone seemed disappointed that there was no cake and everyone was looking to me, saying that it was for my birthday. Exactly. Everyone had an excuse for deferring responsibility that was considered acceptable. So, why was I getting blamed for not getting it done? The people who are supposed to do it, don't do it. The girl who's not supposed to do it, doesn't do it and gets blamed for their orders. How does that make any sense?
Everyone seemed to like the dinner I made. But there were two guys whose sincerity I question. They both said it was good and liked the crunchy skin and how the flavor just blended. But they were both trying to convince the other to finish off the chicken. When I say that I don't mind when people don't like my cooking, I mean it. We have a friend who's extremely picky, and I have to alter the flavor for her. Her facial expressions blatantly reveal disgust towards asparagus, basil, celery, parsley, and quinoa. But my friend doesn't like to see anything go to waste, so he sat there arguing. He doesn't like to eat certain foods. He doesn't like food to go to waste. So sometimes he'll consume food he doesn't want to eat as a way to prevent any food wasting. I can understand his conflict, but I hate how rude he is. What makes him think that I want to hear him whine about not wanting to eat the food he's eating? Inevitably, he'll eat the remains because that's his decision. It's something he doesn't want to do, but he can keep it to himself. I don't see why he can't just exercise his decision silently. Trying to force someone else to eat it because he doesn't want to is inconsiderate. Hey, eat this food that I wouldn't touch. I know this is going to sound bias coming from me, but I'm not a bad cook. Although I don't even think a bad cook deserves this treatment. Showing respect to your friend and exercising some manners for yourself shouldn't be that difficult.
My friends show up late without a cake, looking to me for answers. They argue over who eats the last piece of chicken. That's a crappy so-called birthday celebration. They aren't even finished with their inconsideration, though. My friend suggests getting the cake at that moment. Valid questions from my only logical friend went ignored: Are we going to eat there or take it to-go? Are we taking one car or two? I preferred staying there and getting a large cake, as it creates more of a birthday atmosphere. I said this because they asked for my opinion and made this whole deal about what the birthday girl wants is important. But the second I said something they didn't like, they started complaining about not wanting to pay tip, preferring to choose their own cake flavors, etc. Why even ask for my opinion then? They already have their preferences. No birthday girl wants to be amped up only to be shot down. And birthday girl or not, is it so unreasonable to expect my friends to show more consideration and honesty? They don't have an opinion until they oppose mine? Please, that's bullshit.
After an hour, we step out of my apartment without any questions answered other than we'd be taking one car, as finding two parking spots available are unlikely. My friend stated that his car is a four seater, so it'll be uncomfortable. That's not his fault. Everyone acknowledged it. Then the two people I shared the back seat with wouldn't stop complaining about how cramped it was. They started whining about how two cars would make more sense. I thought we established that two cars don't make sense if there's no parking, but I suggested that they take a second car then. They, unsurprisingly, declined and chose to continue their rants. That was enjoyable.
We decided to sit down and order the cake at the restaurant. One friend suggested that everyone else should pick the flavor of the large cake, so I don't have to think. My friend who suggested this didn't want to actually be a part of that idea and the Domino effect spread. But when I tried to pick the cake, they covered the menu. This went on for over an hour. It took so damn long that my friend's food arrived and he finished it. I started requiring everyone to select at least 2 flavors that appealed to them. That didn't get very far, and eventually everyone designated me to pick. It would've been easier to ask me from the beginning. They didn't like vanilla bean cheesecake, though. How was I supposed to know? Even though I was misled about everything, I selected a cake I liked. But I wasn't able to enjoy it, as everyone kept bitching about it.
Then, at the last possible second, one of my friend's tells me that she has to borrow money because she doesn't have any. I don't mind lending money to someone who needs it. But how inconsiderate of her to pawn it on me at the last possible second. This was supposed to be for my birthday that everyone was supposed to pay for, so it's a little irresponsible to assume that I'll have money for others. When I was venting about this to one of my other friends, he thought it was so fucked up that she expected the birthday girl to pay. I wouldn't go that far because while it's a little unorthodox, it isn't like money will magically appear because I happened to be born on a day that she doesn't have money. I don't have a problem with her being broke. I have a problem with her designating me to be financially responsible for her without my prior consent. I agreed to it, and she couldn't shut up about how she didn't have money, as though I gave a shit. I was actually starting to laugh with someone else when she kept butting into the conversation to repeat herself, that she had no money, that no one told her that we were going out, etc. I get it. She's an irresponsible bitch. Can I finally have my fun now?
Personally, I don't consider irresponsible behavior to be excusable. She's a grown adult. She should have $20 on her. But if she wants to be careless when it comes to her own life, that's her prerogative. LIke I said, she's an adult. What I have a problem with his how she involved me without even considering me. She may not have known before she left her place that we were going to go out, but she knew we were going to a restaurant when we left my apartment. Why couldn't she ask me to loan her money then? I actually have cash at home.
The company, the cake, the logic, or more specifically, lack, and the overall experience wasn't worth it. Oh and one of my friends kept leaving the table whenever the Lakers were on. Not everyone minds the absence of their friends' while celebrating someone's birthday, but is it such a foreign concept that it's rude to walk out on a dinner table multiple times?
That was my so-called birthday celebration.
Friday, March 7, 2008
A Progressively Growing Lack of Care
The same friend who's home situation sucks has been repeatedly calling me because he's unhappy. As a friend, I feel terrible for the mistreatment and unfair exposure and expectations. He doesn't deserve what he's going through. But you know what? We're all challenged and exposed to obstacles we don't deserve. Unfairness won't change the rules of the game. There isn't some maximum quota where after you reach an excessive amount of unfairness, you won't ever have to deal with it again. Nor does it mean that because life is so unfair, the universe will repay you for the inconvenience. If you ever expect to see change and improvement, you have to make it happen for yourself. All he does is complain about it. It's not easy to go through change, but it's a necessary process for all of us. He's not a child anymore. He's an adult. He should start acting like one. Or at the very least stop burdening the people around him with problems he continues to expose himself to. He doesn't realize that his actions or lack of affect, well, everything around him. If he were more mature, I wouldn't have to hear him complain about the same thing and feel guilty for being so callous. I just can't understand why people don't realize that after a certain point in life, complaining is no longer acceptable. We're adults now. Be afraid of change, but don't let it stop you. Or, again, let it stop you if you must. But show more consideration towards others. You don't like being inconvenienced, so refrain from doing that to others. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. I can't change his actions. He won't change his actions. So, therefore, I get an earful. And he thinks he's going to live with my boyfriend and I, on top of that? I hate the lack the changes occurring, and I hate the changes that are occurring, my progressively growing lack of care and concern towards him.
I know I'm a bitch about these things because I was forced to deal with things I didn't deserve to be a part of. I still resent it, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Quite frankly, I would've been satisfying learning it on my own. I had to face changes I shouldn't have had to deal with. And my friend is complaining because an unfair circumstance, which happens to all of us, should be motivating him to make changes he should've made a long time ago and should be making now. Complaining is just a way for him to occupy his time so that he can avoid doing anything productive. If being a friend to him is contributing to a perpetual cycle he should escape, especially one that affects me, then it does neither of us any good for me to be there for him the way he wants me to be. I don't like feeling so uncaring and resentful towards him. I can't imagine he enjoys being scrutinized by me when he takes a break from being denigrated by his mother. Although he does put himself out there.
I know I'm a bitch about these things because I was forced to deal with things I didn't deserve to be a part of. I still resent it, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Quite frankly, I would've been satisfying learning it on my own. I had to face changes I shouldn't have had to deal with. And my friend is complaining because an unfair circumstance, which happens to all of us, should be motivating him to make changes he should've made a long time ago and should be making now. Complaining is just a way for him to occupy his time so that he can avoid doing anything productive. If being a friend to him is contributing to a perpetual cycle he should escape, especially one that affects me, then it does neither of us any good for me to be there for him the way he wants me to be. I don't like feeling so uncaring and resentful towards him. I can't imagine he enjoys being scrutinized by me when he takes a break from being denigrated by his mother. Although he does put himself out there.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
To Do List
Household Supplies
-Mesh Lingerie Bag
-Bounty Paper Towels
-Infinite Aloe
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Birthday List
1. Blank Journal
2. The Lucky Shopping Manual Book
3. The Knowledge Book (Amazon has the best deal)
4. Soy Candles
5. Something Purple (amethyst polished stones, amethyst jewelry such as a pendant or keychain, amethyst geode, candles, amethyst cluster, vintage perfume bottles in purple, for example)
6. Arts & Craft Supplies (embossing starter kit, stamp collection, or a gift card to Michaels or JoAnn's)
7. Electronic Dictionary
8. Violin
9. Black Strappy Heels in a Size 5
10. T3 Straightening Iron
The price range for the gifts increase as the numbers do. I tried to figure out what I would like by thinking of things from head to toe, different aspects of my life (personal, social, relationship/love, family, career, money), remaining factors: interests, logical, creative, etc. Something purple can be very exorbitant or insanely affordable. By going to a flea market, you can find $50 and up values for $20 and below.
2. The Lucky Shopping Manual Book
3. The Knowledge Book (Amazon has the best deal)
4. Soy Candles
5. Something Purple (amethyst polished stones, amethyst jewelry such as a pendant or keychain, amethyst geode, candles, amethyst cluster, vintage perfume bottles in purple, for example)
6. Arts & Craft Supplies (embossing starter kit, stamp collection, or a gift card to Michaels or JoAnn's)
7. Electronic Dictionary
8. Violin
9. Black Strappy Heels in a Size 5
10. T3 Straightening Iron
The price range for the gifts increase as the numbers do. I tried to figure out what I would like by thinking of things from head to toe, different aspects of my life (personal, social, relationship/love, family, career, money), remaining factors: interests, logical, creative, etc. Something purple can be very exorbitant or insanely affordable. By going to a flea market, you can find $50 and up values for $20 and below.
Not Everyone Thinks Like Me
That isn't my epiphany. I've known for some time now that not everyone thinks like me. As my boyfriend puts it, "I'm calibrated differently." But when I try to relate with others, I have to go based on how I feel and how I think. I interpret things based on my understanding of things. So, sometimes, I react a certain way because I expect people to respond according to my perception of reality, which can be very far off. I didn't celebrate my birthday this year because I lost touch with some of my friends, and I felt uncomfortable by the idea of calling them over my birthday, an event that obligates gifts. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind not receiving gifts, but my friends who can't afford to buy me any would go out of their way and get me something. I don't want to inconvenience them like that. Everyone's been so busy with school that I just didn't want to interfere. The lack of communication led my friends to believe that I moved, something that's been in the works for a while now. Then, my friend practically interrogated me for why I didn't celebrate my birthday and how it should've been a priority. That was sweet, and I agree with him. I felt silly admitting that the only reason why I didn't invite anyone was because I didn't want to sound greedy. "Hey, I haven't put much of an effort to keep in touch with you until now (now that my birthday's coming up). Do you want to celebrate my birthday?" He thought I was nuts and assured me that no one would have thought that. They were concerned because apparently they called but didn't leave a message. I don't check my call logs unless someone's left a message, so I assumed everyone was busy. And they assumed I had already moved. Thinking about it, my perspective is baseless. I made a big deal about Christmas, which is something my Asian friends expressed interest in. They never celebrate it at home, so I bought the tree and everything. I made my friend a turkey pie because he's a huge fan of turkey and not cakes. It substituted as his birthday cake. I made an entire meal for him, too. So to expect my birthday being celebrated isn't that big of a deal. As for the gifts, I can't control my friends actions. If they're willing to make the necessary sacrifices, I have to consider the possibility that I'm worth it. Plus, they're always broke. It's not like they don't know what they're getting into. I'm always living inside of my head that I don't always see how the outside world is operating. And I'll continue to be blinded if I don't open my eyes to it. So, from now on, I want to make an effort and see how the world outside of me functions. If I made a big deal out of my birthday, their presence would've proved to me that my reservations were completely unfounded. And it's important to learn these things. After all, not everyone lives in my head. I'm not even sure I should really live in there as frequently as I do. It's closed me off from celebrating my birthday.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
No Permanent Guests!
I have a friend whose home situation is unbearable and completely unfair. He dropped out of college, per his mother's request, to make money sooner so that he can help with the bills, as his family was struggling. This was before the dot.com burst, so money was booming in the tech industry. He was rolling in dough. Considering the circumstance, it made sense at the time. Unfortunately, his mother was being a mother, critical and pushy, blaming him of being lazy for not going to college and pursuing something more ambitious and educational for himself. He was in a helpless predicament. The amount of money his family needed allowed him no time to pursue personal interests including his education. That did suck, and he really should continue his education. Nonetheless, his mother was being unreasonable. His sacrifices went unacknowledged. You could even say that he was being scrutinized for it. And what a set up. If he cut back his work hours to go to school, per his mother's recent request, because it would've risen financial conflicts, his mother would continue to antagonize him. It would simply be over a different topic.
As if that suffocating environment weren't bad enough, he became trapped. His mother bought a house out of state and put his name on the lease, making him partially responsible for the mortgage payments. His mother became severely codependent on his financial contribution that she not only involved herself into financially catastrophic investments but it developed into a chronic practice. If he refuses payment, his aging mother would be sent to collections, as her health is deteriorating. It's the worse time for her to face financial burden. With that said, I run the risk of sounding insensitive when I state the obvious that it's still her burden to bear, not his. There are many gray areas. For example, he doesn't want to see her unable to receive medical treatment that she'll probably need in the near future, as she's becoming much older. As long as he's there to support her, things will be somewhat easier for her. But after you cut through the gray areas, it's rather black and white. This is an adult making poor choices that have adverse effects on her life. This isn't a child that needs to be protected. How long must he pay her debt because she gave birth to him?
I know I'm being harsh, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'm wrong. His credit score shouldn't become compromised because of his mother. If anyone should sabotage his credit, it should be him and him alone. As long as he continues to support her, she'll continue to make bad choices, knowing that her son will compensate for the lost money. Be there for her. Help her, by all means. But, ultimately, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. He can't change his mother's actions or circumstance, but he can change his own. It's an unfair position his mother is putting him in, and he should leave it. Who knows? Maybe his absence will inspire more responsible decisions in her own life. Or maybe it won't. That's up to her, though.
I'm good at cutting through bullshit and separating the white and black that make up the gray areas because I pay attention to details, which is why I often run the risk of not seeing the big picture. There are many dimensions to this, and I can usually successfully decode and analyze each element separately. When it comes to combining, incorporating, and unifying a problem, I'm not so skilled. So, I want to step back and review everything. I've considered my friend. I touched on his mother's circumstance, but that's as far as I can travel, being who I am. I was raised to believe that we have to fix all of our own mistakes. As I've gotten older, I realize how simplistic, bleak, and exaggerated that philosophy is, but I can appreciate the message. There are factors to consider such as a young person making a mistake, deserving a second chance, and what not, but she ran out of those factors a long time ago, assuming she even had them.
As destructive as my friend's mother's been on him, she can't be blamed for everything. That was another forced lesson on me. No matter how fucked up people are around you, when you reciprocate, no matter how deserving the recipient is, you chose that form of action. You can't blame it on others. You can admit that it was influenced, but those are two different things. It's difficult to distinguish, but it's still true. My friend's a grown adult. The dot.com burst was a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities to move out and still does, but, for whatever reason, he's choosing not to. After a certain point, I have to consider the possibility that he likes it in some twisted or perverse sort of way. By living under his mother's foot, he doesn't have to enter the unprotected, unsheltered crappy world that's out there. He doesn't have to feel alone, suffer through the pains of becoming independent, he doesn't have to face the unknown, he doesn't have to focus on everyone else, and he has to do one of the hardest things in the world, examine himself. But by closing the outside world, he's also missing out on a lot of great opportunities. As a friend, I'm sad for him.
As a possible roommate, it enrages me! I don't want his problems being transferred onto me. I'm not going to become his roommate, but he doesn't accept that. I'm a very blunt and opinionated person. I'm about as clear in person as I am in writing. If I say so myself, I think my position about this situation has been crystal clear. He has a tendency to cling onto the familiar, no matter how unhealthy it is. While he doesn't admit it often, his silent fear of being alone is overwhelming him. He hasn't even viewed any potential apartments. He's been whining about wanting to move out since last year. It's been over half a year now, and he only went within local proximity to apartment listings last week. I was on the phone with him, pushing him to do this. I basically had to play the mother role for him, as it seems to be the only thing he's receptive to. Quite frankly, I don't think he would've checked if I wasn't on the phone with him. He was within walking distance to both colleges that are likely to post anything within his price range. When he couldn't find guest parking, he almost aborted the entire operation. After reviewing one bulletin board without success, he retreated altogether. He didn't even look for other bulletin boards with the argument that he didn't know there was more than one (probably bullshit) and didn't ask anyone for guidance. He didn't bother to stop by the other college and didn't even tell me he left until he was out of the area.
I truly believe that you can not rely on the universe to get things done for you. I believe that the universe assists and can guide us, if we let it. I believe there are signs everywhere, but I also believe that not all signs depict the right path. Even following the wrong path is a path we can all take. To believe that the universe will provide us with what we need when the time comes is naive and lazy. That message conveys that eventually the truth will come to us no matter what, implying that a lack of effort will still result in answers. Because nothing is set in stone, for a few individuals, that may be true. But why would you rely on that when you can seek the answers yourself? In my experience, the universe, for the most part, doesn't do a goddamn thing to helping me achieve my goals. And when it does, on rare occasions, I usually have to work for it. I truly believe that if you put your sincere and diligent energy and effort towards achieving a specific goal, the universe is more likely to assist you. He hasn't lifted a finger.
I'm not going to reward his lack of efforts by opening my home and enabling him to not become independent. I will not contribute to his chronic problem especially when I don't want any permanent guests! It's so frustrating to me. I'll be honest. I'm not a very sympathetic person. I have the emotional capacity to sympathize, but it's not an emotion I feel too often. You have to be a very well-deserving candidate. And my friend just isn't one of them. I wouldn't even have to consider being sympathetic towards him or not had he have made better choices for himself. This is a controversial subject, so what's right is complicated and questionable. But he wants to escape. That's good enough for me. But you got to do what you got to do to get it done.
I keep thinking, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves." Until I see any efforts from him, I'm not going to offer anything that can perpetuate his problem, both for him and myself. It's not healthy for him. I don't want him believing that he can go on crutching onto other people. I don't want him having his mother's fate. I can't change his behavior, but I can dictate who becomes an occupant in my home. Allowing him to live with me isn't a solution to his problems, so it's self-defeating. And sure as hell am not going to go out of my way and invite cock block (yes, that's the nickname my boyfriend and I gave him) into my home for an unproductive purpose. A part of me feels guilty because, as his friend, I want him to get some peace, and I can provide that for him. But I'm true to who I am. It's selfish, but it's always been me first. Me doesn't want him living with my boyfriend and I. In this case, though, even when I put him first, it doesn't seem logical. I just wish I can get him to understand.
I'm a very persuasive person. If he refuses to leave my home, I won't hesitate calling the police to physically remove him from the premise. So, one way or another, it'll get done. I just hate that I have to convince him of this. It's as though people in my life selectively choose to disregard what I have to say when it's most important. I don't understand. I'm stubborn, articulate, convey my messages rather successfully, and am firm with my decisions. So why does he and, quite frankly, a number of other people dismiss what I have to say, as though my decision will be overturned when the time comes? I suppose there's a possibility that I'm diluted and I'm actually unclear, but I highly doubt that's the case. I'm capable of saying and have said, and I quote, "I don't want any permanent guests in my home." I think that about sums up my answer.
As if that suffocating environment weren't bad enough, he became trapped. His mother bought a house out of state and put his name on the lease, making him partially responsible for the mortgage payments. His mother became severely codependent on his financial contribution that she not only involved herself into financially catastrophic investments but it developed into a chronic practice. If he refuses payment, his aging mother would be sent to collections, as her health is deteriorating. It's the worse time for her to face financial burden. With that said, I run the risk of sounding insensitive when I state the obvious that it's still her burden to bear, not his. There are many gray areas. For example, he doesn't want to see her unable to receive medical treatment that she'll probably need in the near future, as she's becoming much older. As long as he's there to support her, things will be somewhat easier for her. But after you cut through the gray areas, it's rather black and white. This is an adult making poor choices that have adverse effects on her life. This isn't a child that needs to be protected. How long must he pay her debt because she gave birth to him?
I know I'm being harsh, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'm wrong. His credit score shouldn't become compromised because of his mother. If anyone should sabotage his credit, it should be him and him alone. As long as he continues to support her, she'll continue to make bad choices, knowing that her son will compensate for the lost money. Be there for her. Help her, by all means. But, ultimately, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. He can't change his mother's actions or circumstance, but he can change his own. It's an unfair position his mother is putting him in, and he should leave it. Who knows? Maybe his absence will inspire more responsible decisions in her own life. Or maybe it won't. That's up to her, though.
I'm good at cutting through bullshit and separating the white and black that make up the gray areas because I pay attention to details, which is why I often run the risk of not seeing the big picture. There are many dimensions to this, and I can usually successfully decode and analyze each element separately. When it comes to combining, incorporating, and unifying a problem, I'm not so skilled. So, I want to step back and review everything. I've considered my friend. I touched on his mother's circumstance, but that's as far as I can travel, being who I am. I was raised to believe that we have to fix all of our own mistakes. As I've gotten older, I realize how simplistic, bleak, and exaggerated that philosophy is, but I can appreciate the message. There are factors to consider such as a young person making a mistake, deserving a second chance, and what not, but she ran out of those factors a long time ago, assuming she even had them.
As destructive as my friend's mother's been on him, she can't be blamed for everything. That was another forced lesson on me. No matter how fucked up people are around you, when you reciprocate, no matter how deserving the recipient is, you chose that form of action. You can't blame it on others. You can admit that it was influenced, but those are two different things. It's difficult to distinguish, but it's still true. My friend's a grown adult. The dot.com burst was a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities to move out and still does, but, for whatever reason, he's choosing not to. After a certain point, I have to consider the possibility that he likes it in some twisted or perverse sort of way. By living under his mother's foot, he doesn't have to enter the unprotected, unsheltered crappy world that's out there. He doesn't have to feel alone, suffer through the pains of becoming independent, he doesn't have to face the unknown, he doesn't have to focus on everyone else, and he has to do one of the hardest things in the world, examine himself. But by closing the outside world, he's also missing out on a lot of great opportunities. As a friend, I'm sad for him.
As a possible roommate, it enrages me! I don't want his problems being transferred onto me. I'm not going to become his roommate, but he doesn't accept that. I'm a very blunt and opinionated person. I'm about as clear in person as I am in writing. If I say so myself, I think my position about this situation has been crystal clear. He has a tendency to cling onto the familiar, no matter how unhealthy it is. While he doesn't admit it often, his silent fear of being alone is overwhelming him. He hasn't even viewed any potential apartments. He's been whining about wanting to move out since last year. It's been over half a year now, and he only went within local proximity to apartment listings last week. I was on the phone with him, pushing him to do this. I basically had to play the mother role for him, as it seems to be the only thing he's receptive to. Quite frankly, I don't think he would've checked if I wasn't on the phone with him. He was within walking distance to both colleges that are likely to post anything within his price range. When he couldn't find guest parking, he almost aborted the entire operation. After reviewing one bulletin board without success, he retreated altogether. He didn't even look for other bulletin boards with the argument that he didn't know there was more than one (probably bullshit) and didn't ask anyone for guidance. He didn't bother to stop by the other college and didn't even tell me he left until he was out of the area.
I truly believe that you can not rely on the universe to get things done for you. I believe that the universe assists and can guide us, if we let it. I believe there are signs everywhere, but I also believe that not all signs depict the right path. Even following the wrong path is a path we can all take. To believe that the universe will provide us with what we need when the time comes is naive and lazy. That message conveys that eventually the truth will come to us no matter what, implying that a lack of effort will still result in answers. Because nothing is set in stone, for a few individuals, that may be true. But why would you rely on that when you can seek the answers yourself? In my experience, the universe, for the most part, doesn't do a goddamn thing to helping me achieve my goals. And when it does, on rare occasions, I usually have to work for it. I truly believe that if you put your sincere and diligent energy and effort towards achieving a specific goal, the universe is more likely to assist you. He hasn't lifted a finger.
I'm not going to reward his lack of efforts by opening my home and enabling him to not become independent. I will not contribute to his chronic problem especially when I don't want any permanent guests! It's so frustrating to me. I'll be honest. I'm not a very sympathetic person. I have the emotional capacity to sympathize, but it's not an emotion I feel too often. You have to be a very well-deserving candidate. And my friend just isn't one of them. I wouldn't even have to consider being sympathetic towards him or not had he have made better choices for himself. This is a controversial subject, so what's right is complicated and questionable. But he wants to escape. That's good enough for me. But you got to do what you got to do to get it done.
I keep thinking, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves." Until I see any efforts from him, I'm not going to offer anything that can perpetuate his problem, both for him and myself. It's not healthy for him. I don't want him believing that he can go on crutching onto other people. I don't want him having his mother's fate. I can't change his behavior, but I can dictate who becomes an occupant in my home. Allowing him to live with me isn't a solution to his problems, so it's self-defeating. And sure as hell am not going to go out of my way and invite cock block (yes, that's the nickname my boyfriend and I gave him) into my home for an unproductive purpose. A part of me feels guilty because, as his friend, I want him to get some peace, and I can provide that for him. But I'm true to who I am. It's selfish, but it's always been me first. Me doesn't want him living with my boyfriend and I. In this case, though, even when I put him first, it doesn't seem logical. I just wish I can get him to understand.
I'm a very persuasive person. If he refuses to leave my home, I won't hesitate calling the police to physically remove him from the premise. So, one way or another, it'll get done. I just hate that I have to convince him of this. It's as though people in my life selectively choose to disregard what I have to say when it's most important. I don't understand. I'm stubborn, articulate, convey my messages rather successfully, and am firm with my decisions. So why does he and, quite frankly, a number of other people dismiss what I have to say, as though my decision will be overturned when the time comes? I suppose there's a possibility that I'm diluted and I'm actually unclear, but I highly doubt that's the case. I'm capable of saying and have said, and I quote, "I don't want any permanent guests in my home." I think that about sums up my answer.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Some Random Unrelated Thoughts
Sometimes the mind has to figure things out on its own.
Celebrating the Holidays with loved ones is doing it right.
The TiVo's excessive appetite to record multiple shows perpetuates the laziness that haunts humanity and contributes to our intellectually declining society and unproductive habits.
Explore who you are by doing things that are different from the people around you.
Write down things you've always wanted to experience and go through the list throughout the year.
Celebrating the Holidays with loved ones is doing it right.
The TiVo's excessive appetite to record multiple shows perpetuates the laziness that haunts humanity and contributes to our intellectually declining society and unproductive habits.
Explore who you are by doing things that are different from the people around you.
Write down things you've always wanted to experience and go through the list throughout the year.
Life is Just a Game
Some people are better at it than others. I wonder if that's true. It's just a thought that entered my mind. On one end, I don't think it's true. Life is more than some game. It involves our lives, dreams, goals, aspirations, and pain. To deduce my life into a game is insulting. Then again, here's a definition: a competitive activity involving skill, chance, or endurance on the part of two or more persons who play according to a set of rules, usually for their own amusement or for that of spectators. I guess it depends on how you live, but I live life competitively, mostly with myself to achieve more than I have in the past. It certainly involves skill and endurance, and from time to time, chance plays a role. There are most definitely more than two people involved in your life, no matter how alone you feel that contribute some fundamental role. We all live to achieve some sort of goals, whether it's to please ourselves or others. If that's true, then how come some people are better at the game of life than others?
Accumulating Thoughts
There are a lot of things I want to express, so I thought I put them into a list to keep track of them.
1. The "Right" Way to Clean a Rice Cooker
2. How to Launder Your Bras
3. Online Fitness
4. Unsnapping Bras
5. Being Typecast That Kind of Girlfriend
6. Retarded Drivers
7. Meanness isn't Passive Behavior to Me
8. Ignoring my House Rules
9. Betrayal is Betrayal
10. 2 lbs. Does Not Equate 5 lbs. No Matter the Repetition
11. Dating Guidelines
12. Stupidly Perpetuating My Anger
13. No Permanent Guests!
14. Being Misdiagnosed as Impatient
15. Choosing Between Being a Good Friend or Being a Concerned Citizen
16. Washing the Dishes by Not Washing the Dishes?
17. Attracting Racists
18. Her Bullshit Filtration System
19. Being Deduced to a Liar
20. My "Mom" Friend
21. Experience Does Not Always Equal Knowledge (weddings)
22. Sheltered Friends Making Unqualified Criticisms
23. Lunch is Not the Most Important Meal of the Day
24. I Am Working on a Book
25. Gluten Isn't a Common Knowledge
26. Driver's Idiocacy Being Projected onto Me
27. Inability to Acknowledge Stupidity or Ignorance
28. Being Objective and Logical Does Not Make Me Narrow-minded
29. Not All Frames are Equal
30. Lasagna with Dry Noodles?!?!?
1. The "Right" Way to Clean a Rice Cooker
2. How to Launder Your Bras
3. Online Fitness
4. Unsnapping Bras
5. Being Typecast That Kind of Girlfriend
6. Retarded Drivers
7. Meanness isn't Passive Behavior to Me
8. Ignoring my House Rules
9. Betrayal is Betrayal
10. 2 lbs. Does Not Equate 5 lbs. No Matter the Repetition
11. Dating Guidelines
12. Stupidly Perpetuating My Anger
14. Being Misdiagnosed as Impatient
15. Choosing Between Being a Good Friend or Being a Concerned Citizen
16. Washing the Dishes by Not Washing the Dishes?
17. Attracting Racists
18. Her Bullshit Filtration System
19. Being Deduced to a Liar
20. My "Mom" Friend
21. Experience Does Not Always Equal Knowledge (weddings)
22. Sheltered Friends Making Unqualified Criticisms
23. Lunch is Not the Most Important Meal of the Day
24. I Am Working on a Book
25. Gluten Isn't a Common Knowledge
26. Driver's Idiocacy Being Projected onto Me
27. Inability to Acknowledge Stupidity or Ignorance
28. Being Objective and Logical Does Not Make Me Narrow-minded
29. Not All Frames are Equal
30. Lasagna with Dry Noodles?!?!?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
A Failed Understanding of Failures
This is the first time I’ve really had opportunities to make mistakes and live with the consequences. In the past, I was forced to deal with my consequences. But so much was at stake that I didn’t make as many risks, which resulted in fewer failures. As much as I advocate for the necessity of failures because of the life lessons we’re left with, I found myself taking this belief to a logical extreme. Budgeting oversights has eaten away at my money. If I created a list of items I had to get and I underestimated, I was left with less money, sometimes a few days worth of food. My boyfriend would be more than willing to provide me with some money, but I didn’t ask for his help. I saw that as rewarding me for my mistakes. It wasn’t until he realized how undernourished I was that this all became clear to me. I could sustain some skipped meals, and it’s the consequence I would have to pay for lost money is and was my perspective, a disturbing one at that. Failures can be helpful, if and when you reflect on them productively, not when you use your failures as a way to perpetuate the problem or create new ones.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Every So Often People Surprise You
My "birthday" wasn't very anything. My boyfriend got sick. At the risk of sounding insensitive and unromantic, I didn't want to risk getting contaminated. I get feverish easily, to the point that I risk hospitalization. It's not an experience I want to have again, nor is it something I can afford. Not to mention, I have indoor allergies. So I couldn't stay home for very long anyways. I don't have high expectations of my birthdays. I don't have very good memories of them. If anything, it's an opportunity my parents use to remind me that I was unplanned inconvenience, as though their irresponsibility is my fault. I don't like the frosting on birthday cakes, and I find the Happy Birthdays signs to be tacky. What's the point of buying a cake that no one finishes? It's such an unnecessary waste of food and money when there are other ways to appreciate my birth. If you really want to wish me a happy birthday, you can do that with an absence of a birthday cake. Don't get me wrong. I'm not vehemently opposed to celebrating my birthday, but I'm neutral about it. So if it goes unnoticed, that's okay. I think it's a little desperate and demeaning to advertise your birthday as a way to coerce your friends on spending money they don't have, so they can secretly resent you for a birthday they didn't ask for. I find it distasteful when people brag about their upcoming birthday to satisfy their greed. My friends know my birthday, so if they want to acknowledge it, then great. If not, that's fine, too. Everyone has lives, and I understand that. I usually accept that my birthday won't be a big deal or accept that it will be. But I don't like it when the decision is determined for me, which is what I thought would happen if I moved beforehand. I looked forward to the opportunity to have a choice. I actually thought this year a real birthday would be a possibility, and the idea appealed to me. The first time I ever looked forward to it. Not only did my expectations fall short for a birthday, but it wasn't even an enjoyable time at all. I wasn't even able to stay in my own home without allergic reactions. I couldn't be around my boyfriend or be there for him when he was sick. I felt like a bitch. Not that it mattered. He was so delirious from his cold medication that he couldn't even string a coherent sentence together. I also didn't have anything else better to do than intentionally avoid my boyfriend and my own home. So, birthday, aside, it was a crappy situation. My friends and I have lost touch. With school either ending or beginning, they've been really busy. So I didn't want to push myself on them. They usually call when they have time and want to hang. When they don't, it's because they're swamped. Now, I'm sure if I called, blabbing about my birthday, they would've compromised their priorities. But that's so unfair to them. Although my friend's didn't make an elaborate gesture about my birthday, I was grateful when I realized that they hadn't forgotten and were thinking of me. I'm still enormously dissatisfied with the outcome, but it feels good when people show and express that they care about you, no matter how much of a reality it already is and should go without saying.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
How Lucky I Am to be So Unlucky
I mostly resent my unlucky nature and with good reason. When I’m asleep, when I should be breathing involuntarily, I wake up in a panic with blue skin because there wasn’t enough oxygen circulating in my body, accompanied by a violent headache. I don’t have any other symptoms of sleep apnea, specialists have also ruled that out, and I’m not overweight. I’m doing everything I can and should be doing. In cold weather, I have poor circulation and develop knots so severe that my friends describe as mutating, which results in excruciatingly painful legs and shoulders. In the heat, I develop heat rashes and sun poison so severe that I’ve almost been hospitalized in a mere 100 degrees F. When I get cold sores, the majority of my lips are occupied with yellow pus. And every time I talk, it oozes. I have to drink through a straw because drinking out of a cup reopens my wounds and I start to bleed, again. When my apartment had no running water for a week, I got an eye infection within three days. I can’t stay out as long as I’d like because bras make my skin break out into a rash. It isn’t the laundry detergent, material being used, or the size. My back is overarched, so the natural alignment of my spinal structure is always stressed. My misaligned back throws my neck alignment off, throwing my shoulders off, my hips are off because of my spine, so my weight is shifted unevenly on my knees and ankles. I have imbalanced hormones, so I have symptoms similar to senior citizens and problems that women with menopause face. I do a complete background check on my physician. Everything seems to clear, and she mistakes my prescription three times! I seem to be the only one experiencing account errors at my bank, misplacement of my transcripts, etc. It makes life a bitch. I should be grateful for what I have, and I try to be. For the most part, I’m good about it. But on some days, the last thing I care about is that some people have it worse than me. I’m not those other people. I never seem to take a break. It’s hard to be grateful comparatively to something I don’t understand. It’s much easier for me to be grateful with something I’m exposed to. To some extent I know that I’m a strong person. But I feel like if I were really strong, I would’ve developed into a more resilient, self-disciplined, and tolerant person. I’ve had an extremely difficult childhood growing up, and I defy all of the statistics. Yet, I feel like I have the characteristics of a weak person, complaining and being unhappy with my problems. Then again, I am a strong person because I’ve seen someone I care about complain over some menial things. You’re scared walking two blocks in a safe neighborhood because you’re too lazy to drive? After two months working at a job with basic tasks that most minors can teach themselves, and you don’t know what to do because your manager won’t train you. After a certain point, that’s a reflection on your learning potential. If you’re not satisfied with where you are, you can find another job…you can ask co-workers for help…you can try relying on your own knowledge…you can stop complaining about other people’s shortcomings and improve upon your own…you can try exerting some self-reliance. Blinding yourself to the choices ahead of you or occupying your time complaining about something you can’t change perpetuates weak-willed tendencies. I can’t understand how some people become so overwhelmed with the smallest things that I barely acknowledge. I know everyone’s different, but I’m a highly stressed person. There’s a difference between not being able to cope and finding things to not cope about. I guess not everyone can tell the difference. It came as a surprise for me because I thought she was stronger than that. I thought we were alike. If that were true, that mirrors poorly on me. As my boyfriend put it, “If you don’t have to be strong, you’re usually not.” I never felt that I was strong because I endured the crap that happens in my life. It enters my life without my say. What else am I supposed to do? I guess it never occurred to me that I could just give up. My endless misfortunate has never made me consider giving up. It’s only given me daily opportunities to try and change things for the better, not give me an opening to complain, so I can harvest an environment for a self-defeatist outlook. If I didn’t want to live in it, I wouldn’t be around. I’m not one to accept things, and I always thought that made me weak. As it turns out, that makes me strong. I have the willingness to oppose authority for a better future. My unluckiness has exposed me to a world of unfairness that I battle. If I were lucky, I would never have to endure the crap I deal with, but I’d also be weak. I don’t have time, and I’m too strong of a person to complain over ignorable matters. The things I complain about interfere with my daily life, and I find ways to make it worth. I never realized this before, but my unluckiness has made me the resilient and strong person I am today.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Trying New Foods
I want to refine my New Year's resolution of trying new foods by listing my interests. I plan to try at least one new food a month. As a way to prevent an overcrowded, distracting list, I’ll only list off foods I think I can realistically eat. I know that sounds potentially closed-minded, but I prefer to be goal-oriented. Besides, I’d rather complete my list than be overburdened by it. I have a separate list elsewhere with foods I want to eat that aren’t available locally.
Unfortunately, my local WILD OATS has closed down. I wish I took advantage of it more because I would have liked to buy one new thing a month, outside of my list, something completely new and foreign to experiment with. If the opportunity permits, I'll take advantage of it.
Condiments
1. Sherry Vinegar
3. Champagne Vinegar
4. Black Salt
5. Red Salt
Dairy
1. Goat Cheese
2. Goat Milk
3. Farm Fresh Milk
4. Greek Yogurt
Vegetables
2. Watermelon Radish
5. Fennel
1. Fresh Tamarind
2. Preserved Meyer Lemons
3. Fresh Guava
Grains
2. Flaxseed
3. Red Rice
Seafood
1. Blowfish
Meat & Poultry
1. Goat
New Year's Resolution
I know that a post for New Year’s Resolution is painfully delayed, but I wasn’t actually planning on creating a New Year’s Resolution this year. I have made resolutions in the past, but I feel that I don’t take it seriously. If anything, I create a resolution for the enjoyment of writing and making lists. I figure that if I’m going to improve my life, I will whether I jot it down or not. My motivation to improve my quality of life was never influenced by a new year. Then, it occurred to me, be that as it may, putting my goals down in writing won’t hinder my potential to achieve it. Taking the time to formulate what I want to do exactly by putting it down in writing puts me in the right mindset I need to be in, order to accomplish those goals. I usually feel somewhat robotic, unoriginal, and disconnected to my resolutions that I become uninspired. The idea of working out, the sweating, ugh! That’s probably another reason why I’m not as excited about creating a resolution list like other people are. That clearly is not the ideal way to approach the new year ahead of me. I saw creating a New Year’s Resolution to be a chance for personal experience and growth on a deeper level than I realized when I was talking to my friend. Her New Year’s Resolution is to stop making excuses for her significant other. She’s very naïve and blinds herself to deceit, making excuses for them. She believes that she knows someone is lying to her on a subconscious level long before she fully acknowledges it, and she wants to change that. That’s respectable and a very tall, necessary order for her. I thought it was cool to have such a resolution unique and personal to you. So, that’s what I’ve decided to do. It’s such a great idea. After all, you have to feel connected to your resolutions. And, more importantly, look forward to making those changes, rather than viewing them as a daunting experience. It’s the same concept when you’re discouraged by the idea of working out. Create a workout routine that makes things interesting such as dancing. Here is part of my New Year’s Resolution. Some of them are boringly common and universally familiar, probably why I lose interest quickly. My goal is to individualize them for my purposes. I also want to create resolutions that are unique to me.
I may pick common unoriginal goals, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less interested in accomplishing them. The resources and desires are there, but daily interferences and bad habits often impede reading opportunities. I not only want to read more, but I want to expand my topics. I gravitate towards nonfiction because fictional books don’t capture my interest. Sometimes I feel like it’s because I’m not a deep enough of a person to connect at that level. It’s important that I prove myself wrong, which means I have to read more fictional books and continue to until I find one, not limit the possibility. I want to have that feeling everyone seems to have, that one book they just love. I plan to email everyone I know and ask what their favorites are.
I was the gurlygurl in high school that avoided any rigorous activity. I carried Walgreens in my purse and wore black platforms and stilettos. I guess trying to catch up with time for being late for everything and kicking ass was enough to keep me fit, but those were things beyond my control entering my life. Now that I’m in a place to make my own decisions and avoid catastrophic events, I’m not as active as I used to be. I did everything and anything I could to avoid physical activity. In middle school and early high school, my P.E. class had to run laps outside, away from my teacher’s view. So I convinced my boyfriend to carry me around the blocks. I only ran for about 20 steps for each lap when my teacher was visible. I intentionally overburdened my class schedule with electives and honors that I didn’t have room for P.E. I convinced my school counselor to let me take ballet as an equivalent and incorporate my “P.E. class” into my transcript somewhere else. You only need two years worth of P.E. in high school, anyways. As far as ballet, I had a lot of forged signatures for my attendance. But becoming more health-conscientious, I took a physical activity class at my local community college. I wasn’t expecting to run, but it was a requirement. It was the first time I’ve ever ran a mile without stopping, and I did it in 9 minutes. I surprised myself that I had that much endurance and concentration, but I was mostly shocked by how I felt. In the past, within a block, my head would start pulsing, my throat felt like there was blood, my limbs felt so heavy and painful, and I was having breathing difficulties. I didn’t just surrender to my weakness, but I reacted really negatively to it, so I avoided it at all costs. This time it was better, though. My head was throbbing, and I did taste blood in the back of my throat. But I enjoyed the runner’s high. I wanted to stick to it, but I didn’t. I think I can realistically run the marathon if I prepare for it properly. I don’t want to commit to a marathon, but I do want to start jogging, again. Incorporating a regular workout routine is another resolution for me, but jogging is my specific interest.
3. Find a creative outlet.
My mind is creatively stifling. I’m interested in the ideology of art, but I’m unable to incorporate it into my life. I’d like to believe that creativity can surface with diligence and the right inspiration. I can’t just pick up a pencil and paper and start drawing. It would not only be discouraging but confusing and possibly detrimental to my artistic development. I’m interested in creativity because I’m always looking to better myself. On some level, I know that there’s nothing essentially wrong with me, but I’m not satisfied with who I am. I see so much in other people, lacking within me. Then I see others who are vacuous and untalented. I’m so afraid of becoming like them that I force myself into improvement. It’s painful to be like this, though, constantly reminded of my shortcomings. So, I don’t want to risk doing things that’ll close me off to creativity. My natural tendencies are what suffocate my creativity. I’m highly organized. I categorize things and prefer things to be consistent and geometric. Needless to say, I need to reduce the amount of meticulousness and develop a more freeing approach. But it’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s who I am. I can never truly eradicate that. While I previously viewed instructional crafts to be unproductive, I think it should be my first step. I have a to-do list that must be completed by the end of the year:
2. Card
3.
4. Stenciling
5. Scrapbooking
6. Bookmark
4. Lose my Baby Fat
I feel like I’m developing an eating disorder as I think about weight loss for someone my size. I don’t actually want to lose weight, but I have to. I’m incredibly petite and underweight for my size and age, but I’m updating my standards. I’m 5’2 and used to weigh 98 lbs. As an adult, I owned and wore my jeans from when I was 12 years old! I didn’t like my weight or body size. I lack a feminine figure, I’m flat chested, and my legs look like sticks. Weighing 115 sounded more appropriate and flattering. I imagined more space being filled around the chest area and a slight shape. I have a voracious appetite and not for a vegetarian. I rapidly consume meat, poultry, fruits, veggies, dairy, junk foods, you name it, and I eat it except for sodas and coffee. I actually consume more than pregnant women. This is a confirmed claim. When I was younger, I rarely felt the sensation of being full. I stubbornly resisted the idea that I can’t gain weight. I intentionally followed all of the unfavorable rules, and after an extensive period of carefully scheduled heavy meals at night, lack of sleep, and some skipped breakfast, I gained two pounds. IT WAS AWFUL! I looked the same, but everything changed. My consumption for the entire day would be a slice of bread! It’d make me nauseous, but that’s all I could stomach without vomiting. Of course, I was also starved. I didn’t have a parasite, wasn’t pregnant, got tested for other possibilities, nothing! After the initial two pounds, my weight would fluctuate as much as 20 lbs within a week! I used multiple scales, too (at the
UPDATE: Studies have revealed that I have imbalanced hormones, and that’s why my body’s weight is so unstable. That’s also why I have problems that senior citizens have. It’s even more prevalent for me to lose weight before more health concerns surface when my hormone decides to throw a fit.
I’ve always been open-minded and tried a variety of foods that some people may find shocking without hesitation (rabbit, duck tongue, pigs ears, frog legs, alligators, crocodile, etc). And yet I don’t regularly try new foods. If I want to try more foods, I have to make more of an effort. So, I want to shoot towards eating at least one new thing a month. I recently tried kefir milk, for example. I’d like to try blowfish before the end of the year.
6. Expose Myself to New Things and Introduce More Adaptability into my Life
Studies reveal that adaptability is good for the brain. Leading a predictable life makes the brain stagnant. Something as simple as rearranging your computer table and office supplies requires your brain to reorganize its thinking. I highly prefer and incorporate an organized schedule. I fear the mental repercussions of being so predictable. I'm conceptually weak, which contributes to my poor sense of direction. I'm easily confused when I have to reroute my direction home. But it's not that bad to get lost. I'm capable of finding my way back. And that's just it. For whatever reason, I'm anal about exactness because the idea of something unplanned just makes me desperate for specificity. But it's not the end of the world to stray, and I'm denying myself a world of opportunities. I want to change that. What new things I'll do is still something I have to work on. I'm open to suggestions.
7. Reinvent my fashion style
My body isn't very feminine. There aren't too many clothes that flatter an unshapely figure. Petite sizes exist, but they only fit, not flatter. The fashion industry doesn't really focus their time on making superior clothes (clothes that enhance what you don't have). And even if they did, it would be unaffordable to me. My fashion sense isn't very innovative or flattering. I'm well-coordinated, and my clothes are nice, but they don't reflect my unique nature. Each trip to the mall, I'm convinced that this time I'll find something, and I'll purchase it. But the price tag dissuades me. It's understandable, but if I want reinvent myself, I have to drop some dough. The rarer something is, the higher the value. Either that or I have to get fat. And with each passing year, inflation makes clothes more exorbitant. I have to catch up. So, here are my goals.
2. Get at least a week's worth of versatile and usable outfits that focus on flattering my petite figure, small bust size, and flat ass. I want to incorporate my old pants standards of owning 1 pair of khakis, 1 pair of blue denim jeans, 1 pair of dark blue denim jeans, and 1 pair of black slacks. I want the khaki pants to be light in color. I want jeans that are part stretchy and flare out for an enhancing effect. Red looks hot on me, so I want to find more red tops. Many of my current tops are three quarter sleeves but not the flattering ones. I want to find tops with materials that cling to my skin in all of the favorable areas. My other challenge is that I have an unusually long mid-drift for someone my height, so a generous portion of my skin is exposed in a disproportionate sort of way. I'm tired of settling for tops like that. Time for a change, bitch! I'm thinking u-shapes and V-shapes. Purple is my favorite color, but you would never figure it on based on my wardrobe. My wardrobe should reflect my interests and personality, so more purples. I'm usually discouraged because purples are a rare color or is incorporated unattractively. Somewhere that has to be beautiful tops...
3. Accessorize. Last year I began buying jewelry, not the high end stuff but still beautiful, nonetheless. But I need more accessorizing. Simply wearing the red bracelet is a predictable course of action. I disconnect accessorizing when I put an outfit together. I see it as an ignorable sacrifice, not a subtle but fundamental element. I want something like this...(a picture will be attached to this soon)
4. Stop making compromises. I'm usually non-negotiable, but I surrender to fashion's limits. I never prioritize time to make an effort and find clothes that'll really shine through who I am. If I'm to expect any progress and reinvention of myself, I need to change my mindset. Again, my fashion sense should reflect who I am: dynamic, multi-dimensional, diverse, uncompromising, strong.
5. When evaluating possible clothes purchase, really consider how it looks on me, not how I want it to look. Be realistic.
8. Prioritize my Appearance
I know this statement can be interpreted as really superficial or neglectful on my part. I'm hygienic. Some people think I'm fine as hell. Their words, not mine. I have this tendency of attracting obnoxious guys who ban together and openly express their opinions of me. On the other hand, there are guys who are completely repulsed by me. Those are such extremes. I think I'm attractive...sometimes. But I can always do more. I can afford to improve the complexion of my skin, whiten my teeth, clear my clogged pores, and wear a pink gloss to enhance my natural beauty. A superior haircut sculpts my face shape and improves the overall quality of my appearance. A simple maintenance haircut effortlessly pulls my look together. It's affordable, but I don't commit to it. I plan to change that this year. My goal is to get a haircut at least every two months. It isn't just a luxury. My hair grows quickly, my split ends make brushing my hair difficult, and static and dryness become a daily interference. My goal is to cut my hair before it needs to be done because by then, I'm way overdue. I don't want to be consumed with my appearance, but I know there's more I can do to feel better about myself. My appearance is a part of me. My specific plans are:
Get a haircut at least every two months.
Whiten my teeth with an over-the-counter treatment.
Swipe bronzer on my face and apply pink lip gloss.
It's unrealistic for me to commit to a weekly facial, so I'll aim for once a month, using a papaya enzyme mask.
8. Start a Journal
I write often, so I don't need a journal for that practice. I just want something I can commit to and enjoy in a more organized but expanding sort of way. I like botanical gardens. I developed an interest for plants, specifically religious and cultural associations. I want something to show for my studies and exposures. I want to take pictures or print them out. Then write about its origin, any religious and cultural associations, etc.
9. Do Something New
We all have something we really want to do, but we put it off. I rarely indulge myself because there are so many necessities in life that I can't even afford. The truth is that those necessities will always exist. And it's quite possible that I'll never be able to afford them all. Should that mean I should abandon my dreams and interests? Of course not! And with inflation, these interests become pricier. With each passing year, these interests become harder and harder to attain. But my interests will always exist, and if I die without experiencing these things, I'll regret it. So it's up to me to incorporate my personal interests. I'm not suggesting that it interfere with essential purchases. I'm simply demanding for myself to make these interests a priority and finance accordingly.
Sweat Lodge I am interested in going to a sweat lodge. I'd really like to be able to go before the end of the year. I know people who go to one in San Jose.
Skydiving has been a lifelong interest of mine that I plan to experience. This one I think I can realistically do in 2008.
Blowfish is something I've wanted to eat for a long time now.
I'm not going to promise that I'll experience all of these things within the year. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something I may not be able to keep, but there are my goals.
10. Learn How to Use a Sewing Machine
I want to learn how to use a sewing machine because there are some modifications that experienced sewers claim are easy to execute. I feel that learning how to sew will expand a lot of opportunities for me. There are some crafts I can't do because I don't own a sewing machine or know how to use one. I don't want to own a sewing machine until I learn how to use one, but I haven't found success learning it inside a classroom. (That doesn't make me look very bright, does it?) So, I have to find an instructor I'm receptive to. The idea of sewing my own clothes really appeals to me. There aren't too many clothes that accommodate my size. I'm ambitious about it, but I doubt I'll commit to making my own clothes. I'll never know until it becomes a possibility, though.
11. Keep in Touch with Family
I withdrew from my blood-related family ties long ago for reasons I choose to not reveal. So, I don't really have the special relationship that many people have with their family that's unique within blood ties. It wasn't long ago that I believed my relationship with people I considered family was the same. It's not, though. I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same, but it doesn't matter. My situation is different. Family isn't defined by genetics. It's defined by the connection you have with people close to you. I've always believed that, and I still do. I just have to remind myself of it and live my life with that philosophy.It doesn't help that I don't make a conscious effort to keep in touch with my family. I want to reconnect with them and aim for spending time with them at least once a month. I also want to connect with each individual personally and develop a special and unique relationship with each one of them.
12. Find Balance
This seems to always be on my New Year's Resolution, as I haven't come close to achieving this goal. I'm always one extreme or another. I'm talkative or I act like a mute. I'm an OCD neat freak or a negligent slob. I'm either exercising daily or practically sedentary. I cook a week's worth of meals or go a month without even touching a microwave. I go on a major shopping spree or I'm completely stingy. I'm either excessive or passive. I'm unable to safely and wisely buy indulgences. I'm not a balanced thinker. I'm an overly-logical person. I'm extroverted. I'm not creative or artistic. I don't have rhythm. The closest I've come was taking ballet lessons, which are technical, rigid, exact, and well-timed but not rhythmic. It's actually rather creatively stifling. When I choreographed my own dance piece, I sat down and evaluated which moves I wanted to do. I made geometric shapes on paper and followed a mathematical pattern. I can't draw, paint, sculpt, sew, or do any of that stuff. Writing is the closest I've ever come to creativity, but fiction and poetry are out of my reach. This is probably why I don't have a unique fashion sense. They're all recycled. It's great to be considered intelligent, but I also want to be considered creative. People always compliment me as a great speaker but never a good listener. Seeing things in black and white give me a rare perspective during difficult times, but not seeing the gray really blinds me to many things, as well. I'm so extreme that a small joke makes my eye twitch out of anger, even when I'm not that upset. An innocent but envious comment dropped my blood pressure so low that my boyfriend didn't want me to do anything. I was able to clean, shop, and move around in a state where most people can't even stand. Having a balanced stress meter, a balanced approach to life, a healthy medium is what I want. More specifically, I want to delve into creative activities such as arts & crafts. A more refined and detailed resolution about dance will be included shortly. I want to be more introverted, basically know myself better. Another resolution about that will be listed, as well.
13. Make healthy choices.
While this is undoubtedly a permanent New Year's resolution, I didn't add it to my list until much later because it seemed so clique that it went without saying. But I'm supposed to list off my resolutions, so here it is. I do make an effort to lead a healthy lifestyle, and my goal is to maintain my good habits while gaining some new ones. Here is my list, some of which I already follow and some I should develop a regular habit for: proper water consumption, reduction of carbonated beverages, five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day, a big breakfast, a light dinner, calcium supplements, regular consumption of complex carbs (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc), light stretches, daily cardio, every other day strength training, daily walking, daily reading, a healthy social life, breathing exercises, regular flossing, sunscreen protection, eye protection with sunglasses, etc.
14. Feel Better About Myself
I want to stop feeling like second place. This is something I never really worked on. I'm usually typecast as being egotistical and overly-confident because of the way I walk. I'm a ballet dancer, and, as a child, one of the things I was most criticized on was for not lifting my neck up. The repetitious reminder and consistent practice helped me develop that habit. And as a dancer, I'm trained to move, which includes walking, with grace. I also have an overly arched back, which gives an elevated illusion, often misinterpreted as over-confidence. This snap judgment is usually made by strangers. Not once has someone ever accused me of being like this from anyone who knows me well. I'm intelligent. I'm opinionated. I'm articulate. I'm strong-willed and uncompromising. I have a set of standards I expect everyone to abide by, and when legal contracts aren't honored, I make sure that the people accountable remedy the problem(s). My diligence is admired by many. At such a young age, I became impressionable and influential, not because of confidence but out of desperation and necessity to be respected. I was legally emancipated as a minor, so I was forced to deal with many challenges. Many times people tried to take advantage of me because of my youth and inexperience. I didn't become who I am today, knowledgeable and resilient, because of confidence. I was forced to defend myself. It's really my stubbornness conveniently working to my advantage. People see my actions, not the feelings behind them. Few people know about my upbringing and life difficulties. I feel guilty as it is feeling the way I do. There are so many other productive ways to spend my time, and I don't enjoy feeling inadequate. So, I try to suppress my insecurities. Whenever I try to face them, I become overwhelmed and emotionally erratic. There's no one I can really talk to about this because people aren't receptive to it. They've already judged me as strong and capable. Whenever I've tried to share my concerns, it's dismissed and chalked up as trivial concerns. There are undeniably more important things in life, but feeling lowly about yourself is no small thing. I'm running out of places to hide. I've never felt good enough, always second place. In middle school, my friends were popular, but I wasn't. In high school, I became popular by association. I'm considered a hottie, but only when I'm standing alone. How much of a hottie can I possibly be if anyone else who has pussy can knock me out of the race? I'm well aware that there are worse things to be considered, but for whatever reason, I can't help feel inferior. When a guy checks me out, and someone else says, "You mean the flat one?" It's not a very uplifting feeling. When strangers come up to me and ask me if I've considered breast implants, a subjectively pretty face doesn't uphold much. I have a small bust size, a boyish figure, ass so flat and no hips that everything sits low on me, my knees round outward so grotesquely that my school uniform was requested to be higher to cover my unsightly legs. For the most part, I'm not too concerned with my appearance. But the absence of concern has surfaced some lifelong insecurities. Having a lot more free time on my hands, I want to work towards bettering myself and that means uncovering the side of me I keep hidden. I have reservations about my body. I'm frustrated about how unbalanced I am because it shouldn't be that hard, which perpetuates the problem. I feel like I'm anatomically, biologically, and physiologically disadvantaged. It's hard to feel good about myself when I can't even walk outside my apartment without the door knob falling off when every other unit doesn't seem to have a problem. I feel like I have so many social challenges. When it's hot, I get heat rashes, sun poison, and skin infections. When it's cold, my skin turns blue, my joints stiffen, and I creak as I walk. My ankle becomes sprained even when I just walk. It makes me feel guilty because my boyfriend ends up paying for whatever I need that I can't afford. I'm tired of feeling guilty and crappy. I could care less about getting other people's approval. I'm mainly concerned with my own. I don't feel uncomfortable by other people's criticisms of me when it's not a priority to me. I want to focus on me.
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