Some Random Unrelated Thoughts

Sometimes the mind has to figure things out on its own.

Celebrating the Holidays with loved ones is doing it right.

The TiVo's excessive appetite to record multiple shows perpetuates the laziness that haunts humanity and contributes to our intellectually declining society and unproductive habits.

Explore who you are by doing things that are different from the people around you.

Write down things you've always wanted to experience and go through the list throughout the year.

Life is Just a Game

Some people are better at it than others. I wonder if that's true. It's just a thought that entered my mind. On one end, I don't think it's true. Life is more than some game. It involves our lives, dreams, goals, aspirations, and pain. To deduce my life into a game is insulting. Then again, here's a definition: a competitive activity involving skill, chance, or endurance on the part of two or more persons who play according to a set of rules, usually for their own amusement or for that of spectators. I guess it depends on how you live, but I live life competitively, mostly with myself to achieve more than I have in the past. It certainly involves skill and endurance, and from time to time, chance plays a role. There are most definitely more than two people involved in your life, no matter how alone you feel that contribute some fundamental role. We all live to achieve some sort of goals, whether it's to please ourselves or others. If that's true, then how come some people are better at the game of life than others?

Accumulating Thoughts

There are a lot of things I want to express, so I thought I put them into a list to keep track of them.

1. The "Right" Way to Clean a Rice Cooker
2. How to Launder Your Bras
3. Online Fitness
4. Unsnapping Bras
5. Being Typecast That Kind of Girlfriend
6. Retarded Drivers
7. Meanness isn't Passive Behavior to Me
8. Ignoring my House Rules
9. Betrayal is Betrayal
10. 2 lbs. Does Not Equate 5 lbs. No Matter the Repetition
11. Dating Guidelines
12. Stupidly Perpetuating My Anger
13. No Permanent Guests!
14. Being Misdiagnosed as Impatient
15. Choosing Between Being a Good Friend or Being a Concerned Citizen
16. Washing the Dishes by Not Washing the Dishes?
17. Attracting Racists
18. Her Bullshit Filtration System
19. Being Deduced to a Liar
20. My "Mom" Friend
21. Experience Does Not Always Equal Knowledge (weddings)
22. Sheltered Friends Making Unqualified Criticisms
23. Lunch is Not the Most Important Meal of the Day
24. I Am Working on a Book
25. Gluten Isn't a Common Knowledge
26. Driver's Idiocacy Being Projected onto Me
27. Inability to Acknowledge Stupidity or Ignorance
28. Being Objective and Logical Does Not Make Me Narrow-minded
29. Not All Frames are Equal
30. Lasagna with Dry Noodles?!?!?

A Failed Understanding of Failures

This is the first time I’ve really had opportunities to make mistakes and live with the consequences. In the past, I was forced to deal with my consequences. But so much was at stake that I didn’t make as many risks, which resulted in fewer failures. As much as I advocate for the necessity of failures because of the life lessons we’re left with, I found myself taking this belief to a logical extreme. Budgeting oversights has eaten away at my money. If I created a list of items I had to get and I underestimated, I was left with less money, sometimes a few days worth of food. My boyfriend would be more than willing to provide me with some money, but I didn’t ask for his help. I saw that as rewarding me for my mistakes. It wasn’t until he realized how undernourished I was that this all became clear to me. I could sustain some skipped meals, and it’s the consequence I would have to pay for lost money is and was my perspective, a disturbing one at that. Failures can be helpful, if and when you reflect on them productively, not when you use your failures as a way to perpetuate the problem or create new ones.

Every So Often People Surprise You

My "birthday" wasn't very anything. My boyfriend got sick. At the risk of sounding insensitive and unromantic, I didn't want to risk getting contaminated. I get feverish easily, to the point that I risk hospitalization. It's not an experience I want to have again, nor is it something I can afford. Not to mention, I have indoor allergies. So I couldn't stay home for very long anyways. I don't have high expectations of my birthdays. I don't have very good memories of them. If anything, it's an opportunity my parents use to remind me that I was unplanned inconvenience, as though their irresponsibility is my fault. I don't like the frosting on birthday cakes, and I find the Happy Birthdays signs to be tacky. What's the point of buying a cake that no one finishes? It's such an unnecessary waste of food and money when there are other ways to appreciate my birth. If you really want to wish me a happy birthday, you can do that with an absence of a birthday cake. Don't get me wrong. I'm not vehemently opposed to celebrating my birthday, but I'm neutral about it. So if it goes unnoticed, that's okay. I think it's a little desperate and demeaning to advertise your birthday as a way to coerce your friends on spending money they don't have, so they can secretly resent you for a birthday they didn't ask for. I find it distasteful when people brag about their upcoming birthday to satisfy their greed. My friends know my birthday, so if they want to acknowledge it, then great. If not, that's fine, too. Everyone has lives, and I understand that. I usually accept that my birthday won't be a big deal or accept that it will be. But I don't like it when the decision is determined for me, which is what I thought would happen if I moved beforehand. I looked forward to the opportunity to have a choice. I actually thought this year a real birthday would be a possibility, and the idea appealed to me. The first time I ever looked forward to it. Not only did my expectations fall short for a birthday, but it wasn't even an enjoyable time at all. I wasn't even able to stay in my own home without allergic reactions. I couldn't be around my boyfriend or be there for him when he was sick. I felt like a bitch. Not that it mattered. He was so delirious from his cold medication that he couldn't even string a coherent sentence together. I also didn't have anything else better to do than intentionally avoid my boyfriend and my own home. So, birthday, aside, it was a crappy situation. My friends and I have lost touch. With school either ending or beginning, they've been really busy. So I didn't want to push myself on them. They usually call when they have time and want to hang. When they don't, it's because they're swamped. Now, I'm sure if I called, blabbing about my birthday, they would've compromised their priorities. But that's so unfair to them. Although my friend's didn't make an elaborate gesture about my birthday, I was grateful when I realized that they hadn't forgotten and were thinking of me. I'm still enormously dissatisfied with the outcome, but it feels good when people show and express that they care about you, no matter how much of a reality it already is and should go without saying.

How Lucky I Am to be So Unlucky

I mostly resent my unlucky nature and with good reason. When I’m asleep, when I should be breathing involuntarily, I wake up in a panic with blue skin because there wasn’t enough oxygen circulating in my body, accompanied by a violent headache. I don’t have any other symptoms of sleep apnea, specialists have also ruled that out, and I’m not overweight. I’m doing everything I can and should be doing. In cold weather, I have poor circulation and develop knots so severe that my friends describe as mutating, which results in excruciatingly painful legs and shoulders. In the heat, I develop heat rashes and sun poison so severe that I’ve almost been hospitalized in a mere 100 degrees F. When I get cold sores, the majority of my lips are occupied with yellow pus. And every time I talk, it oozes. I have to drink through a straw because drinking out of a cup reopens my wounds and I start to bleed, again. When my apartment had no running water for a week, I got an eye infection within three days. I can’t stay out as long as I’d like because bras make my skin break out into a rash. It isn’t the laundry detergent, material being used, or the size. My back is overarched, so the natural alignment of my spinal structure is always stressed. My misaligned back throws my neck alignment off, throwing my shoulders off, my hips are off because of my spine, so my weight is shifted unevenly on my knees and ankles. I have imbalanced hormones, so I have symptoms similar to senior citizens and problems that women with menopause face. I do a complete background check on my physician. Everything seems to clear, and she mistakes my prescription three times! I seem to be the only one experiencing account errors at my bank, misplacement of my transcripts, etc. It makes life a bitch. I should be grateful for what I have, and I try to be. For the most part, I’m good about it. But on some days, the last thing I care about is that some people have it worse than me. I’m not those other people. I never seem to take a break. It’s hard to be grateful comparatively to something I don’t understand. It’s much easier for me to be grateful with something I’m exposed to. To some extent I know that I’m a strong person. But I feel like if I were really strong, I would’ve developed into a more resilient, self-disciplined, and tolerant person. I’ve had an extremely difficult childhood growing up, and I defy all of the statistics. Yet, I feel like I have the characteristics of a weak person, complaining and being unhappy with my problems. Then again, I am a strong person because I’ve seen someone I care about complain over some menial things. You’re scared walking two blocks in a safe neighborhood because you’re too lazy to drive? After two months working at a job with basic tasks that most minors can teach themselves, and you don’t know what to do because your manager won’t train you. After a certain point, that’s a reflection on your learning potential. If you’re not satisfied with where you are, you can find another job…you can ask co-workers for help…you can try relying on your own knowledge…you can stop complaining about other people’s shortcomings and improve upon your own…you can try exerting some self-reliance. Blinding yourself to the choices ahead of you or occupying your time complaining about something you can’t change perpetuates weak-willed tendencies. I can’t understand how some people become so overwhelmed with the smallest things that I barely acknowledge. I know everyone’s different, but I’m a highly stressed person. There’s a difference between not being able to cope and finding things to not cope about. I guess not everyone can tell the difference. It came as a surprise for me because I thought she was stronger than that. I thought we were alike. If that were true, that mirrors poorly on me. As my boyfriend put it, “If you don’t have to be strong, you’re usually not.” I never felt that I was strong because I endured the crap that happens in my life. It enters my life without my say. What else am I supposed to do? I guess it never occurred to me that I could just give up. My endless misfortunate has never made me consider giving up. It’s only given me daily opportunities to try and change things for the better, not give me an opening to complain, so I can harvest an environment for a self-defeatist outlook. If I didn’t want to live in it, I wouldn’t be around. I’m not one to accept things, and I always thought that made me weak. As it turns out, that makes me strong. I have the willingness to oppose authority for a better future. My unluckiness has exposed me to a world of unfairness that I battle. If I were lucky, I would never have to endure the crap I deal with, but I’d also be weak. I don’t have time, and I’m too strong of a person to complain over ignorable matters. The things I complain about interfere with my daily life, and I find ways to make it worth. I never realized this before, but my unluckiness has made me the resilient and strong person I am today.

Trying New Foods

I want to refine my New Year's resolution of trying new foods by listing my interests. I plan to try at least one new food a month. As a way to prevent an overcrowded, distracting list, I’ll only list off foods I think I can realistically eat. I know that sounds potentially closed-minded, but I prefer to be goal-oriented. Besides, I’d rather complete my list than be overburdened by it. I have a separate list elsewhere with foods I want to eat that aren’t available locally.

Unfortunately, my local WILD OATS has closed down. I wish I took advantage of it more because I would have liked to buy one new thing a month, outside of my list, something completely new and foreign to experiment with. If the opportunity permits, I'll take advantage of it.

Condiments

1. Sherry Vinegar
2. White Balsamic Vinegar
3. Champagne Vinegar
4. Black Salt
5. Red Salt

Dairy

1. Goat Cheese
2. Goat Milk
3. Farm Fresh Milk
4. Greek Yogurt

Vegetables

1. Frisée
2. Watermelon Radish
3. Fingerling Potatoes
4. Purple Potatoes
5. Fennel
6. Cucumber Lemon

Fruits

1. Fresh Tamarind
2. Preserved Meyer Lemons
3. Fresh Guava

Grains

1. Quinoa
2. Flaxseed
3. Red Rice

Seafood

1. Blowfish

Meat & Poultry

1. Goat

New Year's Resolution

I know that a post for New Year’s Resolution is painfully delayed, but I wasn’t actually planning on creating a New Year’s Resolution this year. I have made resolutions in the past, but I feel that I don’t take it seriously. If anything, I create a resolution for the enjoyment of writing and making lists. I figure that if I’m going to improve my life, I will whether I jot it down or not. My motivation to improve my quality of life was never influenced by a new year. Then, it occurred to me, be that as it may, putting my goals down in writing won’t hinder my potential to achieve it. Taking the time to formulate what I want to do exactly by putting it down in writing puts me in the right mindset I need to be in, order to accomplish those goals. I usually feel somewhat robotic, unoriginal, and disconnected to my resolutions that I become uninspired. The idea of working out, the sweating, ugh! That’s probably another reason why I’m not as excited about creating a resolution list like other people are. That clearly is not the ideal way to approach the new year ahead of me. I saw creating a New Year’s Resolution to be a chance for personal experience and growth on a deeper level than I realized when I was talking to my friend. Her New Year’s Resolution is to stop making excuses for her significant other. She’s very naïve and blinds herself to deceit, making excuses for them. She believes that she knows someone is lying to her on a subconscious level long before she fully acknowledges it, and she wants to change that. That’s respectable and a very tall, necessary order for her. I thought it was cool to have such a resolution unique and personal to you. So, that’s what I’ve decided to do. It’s such a great idea. After all, you have to feel connected to your resolutions. And, more importantly, look forward to making those changes, rather than viewing them as a daunting experience. It’s the same concept when you’re discouraged by the idea of working out. Create a workout routine that makes things interesting such as dancing. Here is part of my New Year’s Resolution. Some of them are boringly common and universally familiar, probably why I lose interest quickly. My goal is to individualize them for my purposes. I also want to create resolutions that are unique to me.

1. Read more books.

I may pick common unoriginal goals, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less interested in accomplishing them. The resources and desires are there, but daily interferences and bad habits often impede reading opportunities. I not only want to read more, but I want to expand my topics. I gravitate towards nonfiction because fictional books don’t capture my interest. Sometimes I feel like it’s because I’m not a deep enough of a person to connect at that level. It’s important that I prove myself wrong, which means I have to read more fictional books and continue to until I find one, not limit the possibility. I want to have that feeling everyone seems to have, that one book they just love. I plan to email everyone I know and ask what their favorites are.

2. Start jogging.

I was the gurlygurl in high school that avoided any rigorous activity. I carried Walgreens in my purse and wore black platforms and stilettos. I guess trying to catch up with time for being late for everything and kicking ass was enough to keep me fit, but those were things beyond my control entering my life. Now that I’m in a place to make my own decisions and avoid catastrophic events, I’m not as active as I used to be. I did everything and anything I could to avoid physical activity. In middle school and early high school, my P.E. class had to run laps outside, away from my teacher’s view. So I convinced my boyfriend to carry me around the blocks. I only ran for about 20 steps for each lap when my teacher was visible. I intentionally overburdened my class schedule with electives and honors that I didn’t have room for P.E. I convinced my school counselor to let me take ballet as an equivalent and incorporate my “P.E. class” into my transcript somewhere else. You only need two years worth of P.E. in high school, anyways. As far as ballet, I had a lot of forged signatures for my attendance. But becoming more health-conscientious, I took a physical activity class at my local community college. I wasn’t expecting to run, but it was a requirement. It was the first time I’ve ever ran a mile without stopping, and I did it in 9 minutes. I surprised myself that I had that much endurance and concentration, but I was mostly shocked by how I felt. In the past, within a block, my head would start pulsing, my throat felt like there was blood, my limbs felt so heavy and painful, and I was having breathing difficulties. I didn’t just surrender to my weakness, but I reacted really negatively to it, so I avoided it at all costs. This time it was better, though. My head was throbbing, and I did taste blood in the back of my throat. But I enjoyed the runner’s high. I wanted to stick to it, but I didn’t. I think I can realistically run the marathon if I prepare for it properly. I don’t want to commit to a marathon, but I do want to start jogging, again. Incorporating a regular workout routine is another resolution for me, but jogging is my specific interest.

3. Find a creative outlet.

My mind is creatively stifling. I’m interested in the ideology of art, but I’m unable to incorporate it into my life. I’d like to believe that creativity can surface with diligence and the right inspiration. I can’t just pick up a pencil and paper and start drawing. It would not only be discouraging but confusing and possibly detrimental to my artistic development. I’m interested in creativity because I’m always looking to better myself. On some level, I know that there’s nothing essentially wrong with me, but I’m not satisfied with who I am. I see so much in other people, lacking within me. Then I see others who are vacuous and untalented. I’m so afraid of becoming like them that I force myself into improvement. It’s painful to be like this, though, constantly reminded of my shortcomings. So, I don’t want to risk doing things that’ll close me off to creativity. My natural tendencies are what suffocate my creativity. I’m highly organized. I categorize things and prefer things to be consistent and geometric. Needless to say, I need to reduce the amount of meticulousness and develop a more freeing approach. But it’s something I’ve struggled with for years, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s who I am. I can never truly eradicate that. While I previously viewed instructional crafts to be unproductive, I think it should be my first step. I have a to-do list that must be completed by the end of the year:

1. Blank Journal
2. Card
3. Bath Bomb
4. Stenciling
5. Scrapbooking
6. Bookmark

My goal is to complete one craft a month, but the list above is non-negotiable and must be completed by the end of 2008.

4. Lose my Baby Fat

I feel like I’m developing an eating disorder as I think about weight loss for someone my size. I don’t actually want to lose weight, but I have to. I’m incredibly petite and underweight for my size and age, but I’m updating my standards. I’m 5’2 and used to weigh 98 lbs. As an adult, I owned and wore my jeans from when I was 12 years old! I didn’t like my weight or body size. I lack a feminine figure, I’m flat chested, and my legs look like sticks. Weighing 115 sounded more appropriate and flattering. I imagined more space being filled around the chest area and a slight shape. I have a voracious appetite and not for a vegetarian. I rapidly consume meat, poultry, fruits, veggies, dairy, junk foods, you name it, and I eat it except for sodas and coffee. I actually consume more than pregnant women. This is a confirmed claim. When I was younger, I rarely felt the sensation of being full. I stubbornly resisted the idea that I can’t gain weight. I intentionally followed all of the unfavorable rules, and after an extensive period of carefully scheduled heavy meals at night, lack of sleep, and some skipped breakfast, I gained two pounds. IT WAS AWFUL! I looked the same, but everything changed. My consumption for the entire day would be a slice of bread! It’d make me nauseous, but that’s all I could stomach without vomiting. Of course, I was also starved. I didn’t have a parasite, wasn’t pregnant, got tested for other possibilities, nothing! After the initial two pounds, my weight would fluctuate as much as 20 lbs within a week! I used multiple scales, too (at the Wellness Center at school, the school gym, the hospital’s scale, Target’s scale, my friend’s scale), and they were all consistent. Even crazier is that I looked exactly the same. (That’s not just my subjective judgment. Many others have volunteered this information including baffled chiropractors, physicians, nurses, friends, P.E. instructor…) So the extra weight gain didn’t make sense. Eventually I’ve more or less stabilized to a 108-115. But unlike people with bigger builds, when a smaller person gains as little as 2 lbs, the itty-bitty fat goes straight to the stomach, and the next thing you know, you can’t even wear the same size pants! Because I have more fat than my body can maintain (in my stomach area), it’s actually starting to misalign my back! It’s also throwing my center of gravity off. Most recently, I’ve developed knee problems, too. On a superficial level, there aren’t too many ranges of small. I’m a 32B in bras, professionally sized and everything. I fit them just fine. But I shit you not, I can no longer button smalls at Forever 21, Reference, and Wet Seal. Wait, there’s more. I tore a shirt trying to wear a Medium at Forever 21 and ripped a button off at Reference, same size, medium. Apparently my fat’s distributed unevenly, and I haven’t found clothes that accommodate it. Jeans are worse. All of these problems aren’t worth it. I look the same, but the added weight gain’s causing health problems. Fuck this shit! I want to lose just enough weight to get my flat stomach back. Harmony and natural equilibrium better follow!

UPDATE: Studies have revealed that I have imbalanced hormones, and that’s why my body’s weight is so unstable. That’s also why I have problems that senior citizens have. It’s even more prevalent for me to lose weight before more health concerns surface when my hormone decides to throw a fit.

5. Try New Foods.

I’ve always been open-minded and tried a variety of foods that some people may find shocking without hesitation (rabbit, duck tongue, pigs ears, frog legs, alligators, crocodile, etc). And yet I don’t regularly try new foods. If I want to try more foods, I have to make more of an effort. So, I want to shoot towards eating at least one new thing a month. I recently tried kefir milk, for example. I’d like to try blowfish before the end of the year.

6. Expose Myself to New Things and Introduce More Adaptability into my Life

Studies reveal that adaptability is good for the brain. Leading a predictable life makes the brain stagnant. Something as simple as rearranging your computer table and office supplies requires your brain to reorganize its thinking. I highly prefer and incorporate an organized schedule. I fear the mental repercussions of being so predictable. I'm conceptually weak, which contributes to my poor sense of direction. I'm easily confused when I have to reroute my direction home. But it's not that bad to get lost. I'm capable of finding my way back. And that's just it. For whatever reason, I'm anal about exactness because the idea of something unplanned just makes me desperate for specificity. But it's not the end of the world to stray, and I'm denying myself a world of opportunities. I want to change that. What new things I'll do is still something I have to work on. I'm open to suggestions.

7. Reinvent my fashion style

My body isn't very feminine. There aren't too many clothes that flatter an unshapely figure. Petite sizes exist, but they only fit, not flatter. The fashion industry doesn't really focus their time on making superior clothes (clothes that enhance what you don't have). And even if they did, it would be unaffordable to me. My fashion sense isn't very innovative or flattering. I'm well-coordinated, and my clothes are nice, but they don't reflect my unique nature. Each trip to the mall, I'm convinced that this time I'll find something, and I'll purchase it. But the price tag dissuades me. It's understandable, but if I want reinvent myself, I have to drop some dough. The rarer something is, the higher the value. Either that or I have to get fat. And with each passing year, inflation makes clothes more exorbitant. I have to catch up. So, here are my goals.

1. Find my sense of style, something that reflects my uniqueness. I think I need a signature. (I already have a perfume signature, Gucci. My boyfriend says it suits my personality). Basically glam up my outfits to make it special.

2. Get at least a week's worth of versatile and usable outfits that focus on flattering my petite figure, small bust size, and flat ass. I want to incorporate my old pants standards of owning 1 pair of khakis, 1 pair of blue denim jeans, 1 pair of dark blue denim jeans, and 1 pair of black slacks. I want the khaki pants to be light in color. I want jeans that are part stretchy and flare out for an enhancing effect. Red looks hot on me, so I want to find more red tops. Many of my current tops are three quarter sleeves but not the flattering ones. I want to find tops with materials that cling to my skin in all of the favorable areas. My other challenge is that I have an unusually long mid-drift for someone my height, so a generous portion of my skin is exposed in a disproportionate sort of way. I'm tired of settling for tops like that. Time for a change, bitch! I'm thinking u-shapes and V-shapes. Purple is my favorite color, but you would never figure it on based on my wardrobe. My wardrobe should reflect my interests and personality, so more purples. I'm usually discouraged because purples are a rare color or is incorporated unattractively. Somewhere that has to be beautiful tops...

3. Accessorize. Last year I began buying jewelry, not the high end stuff but still beautiful, nonetheless. But I need more accessorizing. Simply wearing the red bracelet is a predictable course of action. I disconnect accessorizing when I put an outfit together. I see it as an ignorable sacrifice, not a subtle but fundamental element. I want something like this...(a picture will be attached to this soon)

4. Stop making compromises. I'm usually non-negotiable, but I surrender to fashion's limits. I never prioritize time to make an effort and find clothes that'll really shine through who I am. If I'm to expect any progress and reinvention of myself, I need to change my mindset. Again, my fashion sense should reflect who I am: dynamic, multi-dimensional, diverse, uncompromising, strong.

5. When evaluating possible clothes purchase, really consider how it looks on me, not how I want it to look. Be realistic.

8. Prioritize my Appearance

I know this statement can be interpreted as really superficial or neglectful on my part. I'm hygienic. Some people think I'm fine as hell. Their words, not mine. I have this tendency of attracting obnoxious guys who ban together and openly express their opinions of me. On the other hand, there are guys who are completely repulsed by me. Those are such extremes. I think I'm attractive...sometimes. But I can always do more. I can afford to improve the complexion of my skin, whiten my teeth, clear my clogged pores, and wear a pink gloss to enhance my natural beauty. A superior haircut sculpts my face shape and improves the overall quality of my appearance. A simple maintenance haircut effortlessly pulls my look together. It's affordable, but I don't commit to it. I plan to change that this year. My goal is to get a haircut at least every two months. It isn't just a luxury. My hair grows quickly, my split ends make brushing my hair difficult, and static and dryness become a daily interference. My goal is to cut my hair before it needs to be done because by then, I'm way overdue. I don't want to be consumed with my appearance, but I know there's more I can do to feel better about myself. My appearance is a part of me. My specific plans are:

Get a haircut at least every two months.
Whiten my teeth with an over-the-counter treatment.
Swipe bronzer on my face and apply pink lip gloss.
It's unrealistic for me to commit to a weekly facial, so I'll aim for once a month, using a papaya enzyme mask.

8. Start a Journal

I write often, so I don't need a journal for that practice. I just want something I can commit to and enjoy in a more organized but expanding sort of way. I like botanical gardens. I developed an interest for plants, specifically religious and cultural associations. I want something to show for my studies and exposures. I want to take pictures or print them out. Then write about its origin, any religious and cultural associations, etc.

9. Do Something New

We all have something we really want to do, but we put it off. I rarely indulge myself because there are so many necessities in life that I can't even afford. The truth is that those necessities will always exist. And it's quite possible that I'll never be able to afford them all. Should that mean I should abandon my dreams and interests? Of course not! And with inflation, these interests become pricier. With each passing year, these interests become harder and harder to attain. But my interests will always exist, and if I die without experiencing these things, I'll regret it. So it's up to me to incorporate my personal interests. I'm not suggesting that it interfere with essential purchases. I'm simply demanding for myself to make these interests a priority and finance accordingly.

Sweat Lodge I am interested in going to a sweat lodge. I'd really like to be able to go before the end of the year. I know people who go to one in San Jose.

Skydiving has been a lifelong interest of mine that I plan to experience. This one I think I can realistically do in 2008.

Blowfish is something I've wanted to eat for a long time now.

I'm not going to promise that I'll experience all of these things within the year. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something I may not be able to keep, but there are my goals.

10. Learn How to Use a Sewing Machine

I want to learn how to use a sewing machine because there are some modifications that experienced sewers claim are easy to execute. I feel that learning how to sew will expand a lot of opportunities for me. There are some crafts I can't do because I don't own a sewing machine or know how to use one. I don't want to own a sewing machine until I learn how to use one, but I haven't found success learning it inside a classroom. (That doesn't make me look very bright, does it?) So, I have to find an instructor I'm receptive to. The idea of sewing my own clothes really appeals to me. There aren't too many clothes that accommodate my size. I'm ambitious about it, but I doubt I'll commit to making my own clothes. I'll never know until it becomes a possibility, though.

11. Keep in Touch with Family

I withdrew from my blood-related family ties long ago for reasons I choose to not reveal. So, I don't really have the special relationship that many people have with their family that's unique within blood ties. It wasn't long ago that I believed my relationship with people I considered family was the same. It's not, though. I'm not sure if it'll ever be the same, but it doesn't matter. My situation is different. Family isn't defined by genetics. It's defined by the connection you have with people close to you. I've always believed that, and I still do. I just have to remind myself of it and live my life with that philosophy.It doesn't help that I don't make a conscious effort to keep in touch with my family. I want to reconnect with them and aim for spending time with them at least once a month. I also want to connect with each individual personally and develop a special and unique relationship with each one of them.

12. Find Balance

This seems to always be on my New Year's Resolution, as I haven't come close to achieving this goal. I'm always one extreme or another. I'm talkative or I act like a mute. I'm an OCD neat freak or a negligent slob. I'm either exercising daily or practically sedentary. I cook a week's worth of meals or go a month without even touching a microwave. I go on a major shopping spree or I'm completely stingy. I'm either excessive or passive. I'm unable to safely and wisely buy indulgences. I'm not a balanced thinker. I'm an overly-logical person. I'm extroverted. I'm not creative or artistic. I don't have rhythm. The closest I've come was taking ballet lessons, which are technical, rigid, exact, and well-timed but not rhythmic. It's actually rather creatively stifling. When I choreographed my own dance piece, I sat down and evaluated which moves I wanted to do. I made geometric shapes on paper and followed a mathematical pattern. I can't draw, paint, sculpt, sew, or do any of that stuff. Writing is the closest I've ever come to creativity, but fiction and poetry are out of my reach. This is probably why I don't have a unique fashion sense. They're all recycled. It's great to be considered intelligent, but I also want to be considered creative. People always compliment me as a great speaker but never a good listener. Seeing things in black and white give me a rare perspective during difficult times, but not seeing the gray really blinds me to many things, as well. I'm so extreme that a small joke makes my eye twitch out of anger, even when I'm not that upset. An innocent but envious comment dropped my blood pressure so low that my boyfriend didn't want me to do anything. I was able to clean, shop, and move around in a state where most people can't even stand. Having a balanced stress meter, a balanced approach to life, a healthy medium is what I want. More specifically, I want to delve into creative activities such as arts & crafts. A more refined and detailed resolution about dance will be included shortly. I want to be more introverted, basically know myself better. Another resolution about that will be listed, as well.

13. Make healthy choices.

While this is undoubtedly a permanent New Year's resolution, I didn't add it to my list until much later because it seemed so clique that it went without saying. But I'm supposed to list off my resolutions, so here it is. I do make an effort to lead a healthy lifestyle, and my goal is to maintain my good habits while gaining some new ones. Here is my list, some of which I already follow and some I should develop a regular habit for: proper water consumption, reduction of carbonated beverages, five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day, a big breakfast, a light dinner, calcium supplements, regular consumption of complex carbs (brown rice, whole wheat pasta, etc), light stretches, daily cardio, every other day strength training, daily walking, daily reading, a healthy social life, breathing exercises, regular flossing, sunscreen protection, eye protection with sunglasses, etc.

14. Feel Better About Myself

I want to stop feeling like second place. This is something I never really worked on. I'm usually typecast as being egotistical and overly-confident because of the way I walk. I'm a ballet dancer, and, as a child, one of the things I was most criticized on was for not lifting my neck up. The repetitious reminder and consistent practice helped me develop that habit. And as a dancer, I'm trained to move, which includes walking, with grace. I also have an overly arched back, which gives an elevated illusion, often misinterpreted as over-confidence. This snap judgment is usually made by strangers. Not once has someone ever accused me of being like this from anyone who knows me well. I'm intelligent. I'm opinionated. I'm articulate. I'm strong-willed and uncompromising. I have a set of standards I expect everyone to abide by, and when legal contracts aren't honored, I make sure that the people accountable remedy the problem(s). My diligence is admired by many. At such a young age, I became impressionable and influential, not because of confidence but out of desperation and necessity to be respected. I was legally emancipated as a minor, so I was forced to deal with many challenges. Many times people tried to take advantage of me because of my youth and inexperience. I didn't become who I am today, knowledgeable and resilient, because of confidence. I was forced to defend myself. It's really my stubbornness conveniently working to my advantage. People see my actions, not the feelings behind them. Few people know about my upbringing and life difficulties. I feel guilty as it is feeling the way I do. There are so many other productive ways to spend my time, and I don't enjoy feeling inadequate. So, I try to suppress my insecurities. Whenever I try to face them, I become overwhelmed and emotionally erratic. There's no one I can really talk to about this because people aren't receptive to it. They've already judged me as strong and capable. Whenever I've tried to share my concerns, it's dismissed and chalked up as trivial concerns. There are undeniably more important things in life, but feeling lowly about yourself is no small thing. I'm running out of places to hide. I've never felt good enough, always second place. In middle school, my friends were popular, but I wasn't. In high school, I became popular by association. I'm considered a hottie, but only when I'm standing alone. How much of a hottie can I possibly be if anyone else who has pussy can knock me out of the race? I'm well aware that there are worse things to be considered, but for whatever reason, I can't help feel inferior. When a guy checks me out, and someone else says, "You mean the flat one?" It's not a very uplifting feeling. When strangers come up to me and ask me if I've considered breast implants, a subjectively pretty face doesn't uphold much. I have a small bust size, a boyish figure, ass so flat and no hips that everything sits low on me, my knees round outward so grotesquely that my school uniform was requested to be higher to cover my unsightly legs. For the most part, I'm not too concerned with my appearance. But the absence of concern has surfaced some lifelong insecurities. Having a lot more free time on my hands, I want to work towards bettering myself and that means uncovering the side of me I keep hidden. I have reservations about my body. I'm frustrated about how unbalanced I am because it shouldn't be that hard, which perpetuates the problem. I feel like I'm anatomically, biologically, and physiologically disadvantaged. It's hard to feel good about myself when I can't even walk outside my apartment without the door knob falling off when every other unit doesn't seem to have a problem. I feel like I have so many social challenges. When it's hot, I get heat rashes, sun poison, and skin infections. When it's cold, my skin turns blue, my joints stiffen, and I creak as I walk. My ankle becomes sprained even when I just walk. It makes me feel guilty because my boyfriend ends up paying for whatever I need that I can't afford. I'm tired of feeling guilty and crappy. I could care less about getting other people's approval. I'm mainly concerned with my own. I don't feel uncomfortable by other people's criticisms of me when it's not a priority to me. I want to focus on me.

Changing my Plans

I wanted to take advantage of my time off school to engage in activities I normally wouldn't have time for, but my plans were shot down when it was made clear to me that squirrels will probably ravage my container garden. I'm glad I, at least, found out before I made any major purchases. I'm still not entirely sure how accurate the claims are, but I'm unwilling to pay to find out. So, instead I decided to focus on arts & crafts that I've always been interested in but never had time for. I did the most elementary coloring book thing with picture answers but whatever. I enjoyed it, and that's what's important. I also reinvented a T-shirt. I'm interested in making my own journal, seeing how rapidly I go through them. It becomes costly after a while. I also want to buy brain puzzle books at the local bookstore for dirt cheap. If I write on them, I can't reuse them unless I erase them, which I probably won't, but they're so inexpensive that I'm okay with that. I bought some art supplies at Michael’s when it was on sale, accumulating to my current collection (cardstocks, stamps, translucent and black ink pads, mica powder kit, sponge brush, ball mold, acrylic paint, Yes paste, double sided tape, colored pencils, foam balls, bone folder, felt, dowels, stickers, black ribbon, and stipple brush). I plan to buy materials to emboss, make journals, and my own candles.

You Think You Know Everything

I hate hearing the words, “You think you know everything.” I find that statement insulting to my intelligence and common sense. As someone who rigorously researches excessively, I’m well aware of how much is unknown to me and how little I actually understand. The more you know, the more you know how little you know. I feel like I’m being punished with idiotic, single-minded comments that perpetuate the ignorant mindset that triggered the statement in the first place. Feel free to disagree with me. But understand that you’re disagreeing with me on something you aren’t knowledgeable in. I’m not saying that you don’t know what you’re talking about because I’m saying you’re wrong. I’m saying that you don’t know what you’re talking about because your understanding of the matter extends as far as someone else’s knowledge, credibility you’ve never even evaluated and a subject you never took the time to explore on your own. You should know that better than I do. You’re entitled to your opinions, but no one is entitled to their own versions to the facts. Facts are objective. Instead of relying on others for information that may or may not be reliable, why don’t you spend less time accusing me of thinking I know everything and try learning a thing or two independently!?!?!? Don’t you think you should have a clue about what you’re talking about before you reject what I have to say?

It’s unsurprising that unknowledgeable people often accuse me of thinking I know everything and quickly ignoring potentially valuable information. Yet, highly knowledgeable individuals never accuse me of thinking I know everything. Gee, I wonder why? Perhaps it’s because they’re intelligent and well-informed enough to know the difference. So, maybe it’s not me, and it’s you. If I have a tendency to tell you that you’re misinformed because you continually come to me for advice, that doesn’t mean that I know everything. It probably just means that I know more than you, and that certainly doesn’t equate to knowing everything. If you had a greater intellectual capacity, maybe we’d engage in more mentally stimulating topics that challenges me, and you’d have an opportunity to see how little I actually know about many things. Being a curious person who has an undying passion to know more about everything, I’m not afraid to say that I don’t know shit when I don’t know shit. Maybe that just hasn’t come up with you. I don’t hold it against you. So don’t hold it against me. The very fact that you resort to ignoring anything I have to say because of your own personal opinions about me reflects more about your weak intellectual structure than anything. Regardless of how you see me or how I really am, no one said that I couldn’t provide useful information, information you groundlessly ignore.

Just because, as your friend, I make an effort to clarify misleading information you were given doesn’t mean that I think I know everything or that I don’t know what I’m talking about. How can you even make such claims when you won’t listen to me long enough to know what I’m even saying? Maybe if you didn’t think in such simplistic terms and stop approaching me so distrustfully, you’d realize that as your friend I have no vested interest in providing you with false or misleading information. So, when I tell you that the investor belongs with a company that’s famously known for convincing customers to open up ill-advised accounts for commission, at the very least, acknowledge that I have no reason to say anything that’s untrue. But the investor does. In all fairness, this is assuming that the investor’s advice is compromised. I could be wrong, or I could be right. If you think you’re bright enough to be trusted to make such important decisions, realize that you made the neglectful and irresponsible choice to NOT verify my claims. Or if you’re vacuous enough to buy a house when the housing market is at its lowest (67% of homeowners defaulting, and if you don't know what that means, you really shouldn't buy a house), AND you have zero income, AND you know that you’re completely ignorant about the matter, what the hell makes you think that you’re qualified to make a responsible, life changing decision just because it’s yours to make? There’s a difference between freedom to make your own choices vs. ability to make responsible decisions. If you can’t distinguish the two, you should spend less time questioning my knowledge and strengthening yours. If you’re unwilling to investigate something so vital from a source who has nothing to gain, don’t you dare stand confidently in front of me, proudly or, at the very least, openly displaying your ignorance, trying to make me feel inferior or equal to you. I’m not better than you because I know more than you, but that certainly doesn’t make you better than me. Your logic is faulty at best. If you can’t realize that, you shouldn’t be scrutinizing me about something you don’t even understand.

When did ignorance become a tolerable and justifiable scapegoat for broadening your knowledge? I’m embarrassed for uninformed people who proceed to enter into a life altering path without educating themselves about what they’re getting into and secretly resent them for their contribution to the destruction of our society’s integrity and value. What’s worse is that their lack of knowledge somehow portrays me in an unflattering way. It’s as though I’m paying the price for other people’s unawareness. I’m just waiting for a change when people start to see things for the way they really are, something not out of their potential. They just have to put an effort and use their brains and stop focusing on me. Despite what they may think, I don’t enjoy correcting people. It’s burdensome, unsuccessful, and it’s making me more cynical than I already am. That’s probably why I’ve disconnected from people like that. If I truly enjoyed correcting people, I wouldn’t withdrawal from that environment and gravitate towards people who do what I try to do for you guys. Common sense for thought anyone?

Materialism in Moderation

There are a lot of things I want in life. Some are unreasonably greedy desires and purely frivolous, while others are necessities, and some are somewhere in between. I think it's a matter of finding a balance and evaluating my priorities. Things like books and home decor aren't essential to life but can enrich it. Rather than going to the library or reading information online, the idea of having a book in my hand appeals to me. I won't deny that there aren't cheaper alternatives. I use home decor as a way to express my identify and define my space. It means a lot to me, and I truly believe that it makes an impact on my emotional well-being, but I'm not going to pretend that it's a necessity for survival. I guess it really depends on how important these material possessions are to me based on its price range, what it's used for, and what it can and does offer me. Here is my list that I plan to go through and purchase throughout my life. The list will increase, decrease, and modify over time, but for the most part, I think I've thought this through.

BATHROOM

Purple Swirl Glass Lotion Pump ~ Purple Swirl Glass Tumbler ~ Ulti-Mat Vinyl Bath Mat in white ~ Combo Showerheads in chrome ~Stainless Steel Toilet Paper Canister ~ Healthy Shelf Towel Dispenser ~Bath Rug ~ Night Light

BEAUTY

Hair Care Center - The Blow Away by Creative Bath Products ~ Spornette Paddle Brush ~ Boar Bristle Round Brush ~ Wide Tooth Comb ~ Volumizing Comb ~ Biosilk Silk Therapy ~ Solia Tourmaline Ceramic Ion Flat Iron ~ TiGi Catwalk Work It Hairspray ~ Thermasilk Silk & Shine Shaping Gel ~ Deep Conditioning Hair Treatment ~ Papaya Enzyme Mask ~ Panasonic Portable Oral Irrigator ~ Braun 5270 Silk-epil X'elle Body System Epilator ~ Shu Uemura Water Perfect Smoothing Water-in Fluid Foundation ~ Shiseido Tinted Moisturizer in medium ~ Kiss Mascara in black ~ Microdermabrasion Facial ~ Face Serum ~ Essential Oils (lavender, rosemary, vanilla, cinnamon, ginger, eucalyptus, peppermint, spearmint) ~ Coconut Emulsifying Carrier Oil ~ Lush Dream Cream

BEDROOM

MALM Queen Size Bed Frame in birch veneer ~ 1000 Thread Count Sheet Set in Violet ~ Ergonomic Pillow ~ Down Comforter ~ Calvin Klein Orchids Bedding Duvet Cover in queen ~ 2 MALM Chest with 2 drawers in birch veneer ~ LAMPS PLUS Set of 2 Modern Brushed Steel Touch Table Lamps ~ Set of 2 Emerson Alarm Clocks ~ MALM Chest of 6 Drawers in birch veneer ~ Conair Vanity Mirror ~

BOOKS

Eating for Beauty ~ Hair & Makeup ~ The Beauty Bible ~ Fashion Makeover ~ New Complete Guide to Sewing ~ Sew Fast Sew Easy ~ The Lingerie Handbook ~ The Lucky Shopping Manual ~ Bountiful Garden ~ Complete Guide to Drawing ~ Emily Post's Wedding Planner ~ New York City Ballet Workout ~ Chinese Herbal Secrets ~ Detox Solutions ~ Drugs for Less ~ Healing with Whole Foods ~ Hormones, Health, and Happiness ~ How Doctors Think ~ Mindless Eating ~ Safe Estrogen ~ Skinny Bitch ~ The Cure for All Diseases ~ The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat ~ The Mild Traumatic Brain Injury ~ The New Feminine Brain ~ The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook ~ What Nurses Know and Doctors Don't Have Time For ~ What Your Doctor Won't (Or Can't) Tell You ~ Deep Survival ~ First Aid Responding to Emergencies ~ SAS Survival Handbook ~ The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook ~ The Gift of Fear ~ A Manual for Writers of Research Papers, Theses, and Dissertations ~ Buying a Car for Dummies ~ Classic Haiku ~ Everything You Need to Know About American History Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About Geography Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About Math Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About Science Homework ~ Everything You Need to Know About World History Homework ~ Green Living ~ How to Buy a Car ~ I Can Read You Like a Book ~ Intellectual Devotional ~ Japanese Berlitz in 30 Days ~ Knowledge Book ~ Lies My Teacher Told Me ~ Listening: The Forgotten Skill ~ Merriam-Webster Thesaurus ~ Modern Japanese ~ Music, the Brain, and Ecstasy ~ Never Shower in a Thunderstorm ~ New Complete Do-It-Yourself Manual ~ Personal Finance for Dummies ~ Rand McNally's World Atlas ~ The Death of Common Sense ~ The History of Sexuality ~ The Myth of Laziness ~ The Power of Art ~ The Power of Myth ~ The Tao of Writing ~ The Tipping Point ~ Ask and It Is Given ~ Atlantis Encyclopedia ~ A Thousand Paths to Happiness ~ Beyond Motherhood ~ Change Your Mind, Change Your Life ~ Evil Genes ~ Organized Crime ~ Relax and Renew ~ The Creative Habit ~ The Culture of Fear ~ The Lens of Perception ~ The Mayan Code ~ Why People Believe Weird Things ~ Sex Matters ~ The Couple's Guide to Communication ~ The Multi-Orgasmic Couple ~ An Introduction to Zen Buddhism ~ Astral Projection for Beginners ~ Candle Therapy ~ Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs ~ Eastern Body, Western Mind ~ From Death to Birth ~ Intelligent Thought ~ Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion ~ Mystic Foundation ~ Origin of Species ~ Santeria: The Religion ~ Shattering the Myth of Darwinism ~ The Book of Chakra Healing ~ The Book of Understanding ~ The Craft ~ The Crystal Bible ~ The End of Faith ~ The I Ching ~ The Toltec Way ~ The Way of the Shaman ~ The World's Religion ~ They Bore the Wounds of Christ ~ Chinese Symbolism and Art Motifs ~ Color Therapy ~ Feng Shui for Lovers ~ Feng Shui Your Life ~ I Know All About You ~ The Power of the Dragon ~ UFO Briefing Document ~ Who Are You? ~ Comparative Mythology ~ Russian Folk Beliefs ~ Real-Life Stories of Supernatural Experiences ~ Shiva: The Wild God of Power and Ecstasy ~ The Hell Screens ~ A Man Without a Country ~ As I Lay Dying ~ Death Note ~ If You Really Loved Me ~ Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil ~ Lullaby ~ Out ~ Perfume ~ Pride & Prejudice ~ Red Mandarin Dress ~ Road to Hell ~ Seven Japanese Tales ~ The Psychopath ~ The Thirteenth Tale ~ Thousand Pieces of Gold ~ A Child Called "It" ~ A Long Way Gone ~ Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl ~ Che Guevara ~ I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings ~ The Kiss ~ A Taste of Guam ~ Ball Complete Book of Home Preserving ~ Book of Soups ~ Classic Indian Cooking ~ Garlic, Garlic, Garlic ~ Hors 'D Ouevres ~ Joy of Cooking ~ Kimchi ~ Marie Claire Breakfast ~ Mary Bell's Completely Dehydrator Cookbook ~ Mastering the Art of French Cooking ~ Modern Greek ~ New Polish Cuisine ~ Please to the Table ~ The Food of Israel ~ The Good Housekeeping Illustrated Cookbook ~ Wisdom of the Chinese Kitchen ~ Brushstroke Handbook ~ IQ Puzzles ~ Jumbo Jumble ~ The Everything Large Print Crossword Challenge Book ~ The Little Black Book of Sudoku ~ The Ultimate Picture Puzzle ~

CLEANING/LAUNDRY

Slide 'n Stack Basket by 11" x 20" with Track by Rubbermaid ~ White Bar Mop Towels ~ Microfiber Waffle Dishcloth (DII Waffle Microfiber Dishcloth, Lavender set of 5 ~ Microfiber Stainless Steel Magnet Cloth ~ Brushtech Decanter/Bottle Brush ~ Brushtech Crystal Stemware Brush ~Eureka 4870GZ Boss Smart-Vac Upright Vacuum ~Hoover S220 Flair Bagless Upright Stick Vacuum with Power Nozzle ~ Floor Washer Mop ~ Mop and Broom Organizer ~ Whitney Design Rectangular Krush Storage Container in Natural Color ~ Whitney Design 5147 Indoor Folding Drying Rack, Chrome ~ Ironing Board ~ Stainless Steel Lingerie Dryer ~ IQ Air Health Pro Plus HEPA Air Purifier ~ Grook Tool Holders ~

DINING AREA

Dolce 5-pc. Dining Set ~ Healthy Shelf Towel Dispenser ~

ENTRANCEWAY

Magnetta Key & Letter Holder by Umbra ~

FASHION

LINGERIE: One to two week's worth of superior quality bras of various styles and colors (Balconet bra for low-rise tops in red, contour bra for offering a naturally rounding and shapely effect with no visible nipples, convertible bra for halters in nude, demi bra for the softer push-up bra effect, Seamless bra for their smoothness and ideal companion for t-shirts in black and nude, Racerback bra for certain tops and perfect for my narrow shoulders in nude, Compression style Sports bra for physical activities, strapless for spaghetti strap tops, Seamed bra for heavy wool sweaters, Bustier in black, Silicone reusable bra for strapless and backless tops and a naturally full impact, colors in each style will be determined during the shopping experience but at least two neutrals and two blacks are mandatory) ~ Two week's worth of superior quality panties of various styles and colors (French knickers, seamless in nude and two blacks, thongs in low-rise, high rise, and G-string, low-rise boyshorts, bikini in low-rise and high rise) ~ A week's worth of panties specifically for menstrual cycles (low-rise boyshorts in red and black, low-rise bikini in red, purple, and black, seamless in black, thongs in red and black) ~ 2-pc. Silk Pajama Set in Violet ~ Bias Slip in silk and red ~ Silk Robe in red ~ DRESSES: 2 Work Dresses (Shift dress with boatneck cut in black, best worn with a long khaki coat and T-strap heels and Boatneck long sleeve dress in black, best worn with a belt to create a modern twist and figure) ~ 1 Evening Dress (Tulle style, it's strappy, adds height, the gentle flare is figure enhancing, reveals my nice shoulders, dressy, great for dinner parties, and company dinners) ~ 2 Daytime/Weekend/Summer/Spring Dresses (Retro-rounded boatneck, sleeveless, gentle flare and V-shape cap sleeves in a figure enhancing dress in red, casual and picnic-friendly) ~ SKIRTS: 2 All-Season work skirts (A-line tropical wool skirt and Pencil skirt in black) ~ Denim Skirt ~ Tulip Skirt in black as a day-to-night and evening party skirt ~ Asymmetrical skirt in plaid ~ Circle Skirt in black with floral print as a summer skirt ~ Denim Long Skirt ~ Khaki Long Skirt ~ SHORT SLEEVES: Most have polyester material or a stretchy-cotton blend unless otherwise specified. Crewneck short sleeve t-shirts with cap sleeves in white and black ~ V-Neck short sleeve t-shirts with cap sleeves in white and black ~ Polo tees in white and black ~ Scoopneck short sleeve tees in white, black, red, and violet ~ Short sleeve/borderline sleeveless tees in red, black, and black and white thick stripes in stretch-cotton ~ Cinched, stretchy short sleeves in black and red ~ V-shape flutter short sleeve in red ~ V-shape flutter sleeve chiffon top in floral print ~ Short sleeve blouses (white and black) ~ SLEEVELESS: Spaghetti strap tanks in white, black, and violet ~ Boatneck tanks in black ~ Racer back tank in red, violet, and black for yoga and loungewear ~ Halter tops to expose my pretty shoulders ~ Scoopneck cap sleeves in sheer khaki ~ LONG SLEEVES: Henley tees in red and black ~ Long sleeve blouses (white, red, vertical stripes, violet, and black) ~ Off-the-shoulder long sleeve (red and black) ~ Long sleeve wrap in violet ~ Tunic long sleeve as a weekend top ~ Shirts with cinches to enhance what I don't have ~ Crewneck long sleeves (black) ~ Lace V-shaped top in black ~ Asymmetrical tops (black and red) ~ SWEATERS: Long Sleeve Cardigan (white, red, violet, and black) ~ V-neck long sleeve sweaters (red and violet) ~ Long Sleeve Ribbed Turtleneck (white, red, violet, and black) ~ Khaki Long Sleeve Turtleneck ~ Long Sleeve and Long Length Knitted Cardigan in black ~ Sheer Cashmere Long Sleeve Turtleneck Sweater in dark red ~ COATS & JACKETS: Denim Jacket ~ Leather Jacket Zip-up in black ~ Lightweight Short Jacket in khaki ~ Belted Overcoat in khaki ~ Marvin Richards Double Breasted Long Coat in black ~ Long, Dark Red Coat ~ Black Leather Coat ~ SWIMWEARS: Two pairs of swimmable suits (1 pair of tankini and boy shorts set or one-tie triangular string bikini set in a halter) ~ Wrap Skirt in red ~ PANTS: 2 Pairs of Thermal Pants ~ Khaki Flare Pants ~ 1 pair of Denim Flare Pants in antique ~ 2 Pair of Dark Shade of Denim Flare Pants in dark wash (one pair to wear with heels, the other with flats) ~ Pinstripe Flare Pants ~ Black Flare Pants ~ SUITS: Classic skirt suit (pencil skirt, three button blazer with a retro lapel), Gurly skirt suit (shaped skirt, feminine blazer), Classic pants suit ~ JEWELRY ~ Pearl Stud Earrings ~ 1 Carat Diamond Stud Earrings (white gold) ~ Large White Gold Hoops ~ Gold Chandelier Earrings ~ NECKLACES: Drop Necklace in red ~ Drop Necklace in black ~ Black Choker ~ Amethyst Pendant ~ RINGS: Ruby Ring ~ Lavender Jade Ring ~ Amethyst Ring ~ BRACELETS: Red Heart Bracelet ~ Pearl Bracelet ~ BAGS & PURSES ~ COACH Checkbook Wallet ~ Everyday Classic Black Purse ~ JANSPORT Messenger Bag in black ~ JANSPORT Backpack in black ~ Large Black Purse ~ Black Tote ~ SHOES: White Sketchers Sneakers ~ 2 Pairs of Cross-Training Sneakers ~ An extra pair of sneakers for backup ~ Bloch Boost DRT Mesh Sneakers in black (dance sneakers) ~ Sketchers Sports Premium Sumptious (lazy sneakers) ~ Red Strappy Heels ~ Cathy Jeans X Ankle Strappy Heels in black ~ Steve Madden Fifthave (black pumps) ~ Big Girl's Booties in black (fuzzy winter slippers) ~ Fit Flop Walkstar in black ~ Gravis Misha W Ballet Slippers in black and lavender ~ T-strap Heels in black ~ Knee High Boots in black ~

FIRST AID/EMERGENCY

Emergency Candles ~ Activated Charcoal ~ Ankle Brace ~ Hand Sanitizer ~ Emergency Preparation Kit ~ Elastic Bandages ~ Triangular Bandages ~ Survival Fire Starter ~ Compass ~ Escape Ladder ~ Hand Crank Radio ~ Water Purifier ~ Escape Hammer ~ Syrup of Ipecac ~ Alltrade 150003 Auto-Loading Squeeze Utility Knife ~ J.A. Henckels International 5-pc. Scissor Set ~ Emergency Thermal Blanket ~ Assorted Bandages ~

FITNESS

8 lb. Dumbbells in black ~ Yoga Ball ~ Yoga Mat in purple ~

HOBBIES/INTERESTS

Acrylic Ruler ~ Alvin Self-Healing Cutting Mat ~ Card Stocks (white, nude, red, lavender, violet, purple, black) ~ Embossing Powder (pink, red, purple, silver, gold, black) ~ Crystal Growing Kit ~ Journals ~ Heat It Tool ~ Perfect Pearls Mica Powder Kit ~ Sewing Machine ~ Violin ~ X-Acto Knife ~ Rotary Cutter ~ Stamps (Happy Birthday, Thank You, Chinese Characters, Grass, Flowers, Background Image, Butterfly, Tulip, Japanese Fan, Polka Dots, Dragonfly, Design, Ornament, a set of three snowflakes, Bamboo) ~ Circle Craft Punch ~ Corner Rounder ~ All Purpose Scissors ~

KITCHEN

Scanpan Skillet ~ Scanpan Saute Pan~ Traditional Carbon Steel Wok ~ Bamboo Steamers ~ All-Clad Master Chef 2 2-quart Saucepan ~ All-Clad Master Chef 2 4 1/2 quart Saucepan with Loop ~ Emile Henry Burgundy Clay Round Flame Top Ceramic 4.2 quart ~ Emile Henry Burgundy Clay Round Flame Top Ceramic 8 quart ~ Japanese Donabe ~ Le Creuset 7 1/2 qt Dutch Oven in cobalt blue ~ All-Clad Master Chef 2 Stockpot ~All-Clad Multi-Cooker (12 quart stockpot with colander and pasta insert) ~ Fagor 6-qt. Duo Pressure Cooker ~ Crock Pot Slow Cooker ~ Rice Cooker ~ Toaster ~ Stainless Steel Splatter Guard ~ Le Creuset Square Skinny Grill ~ Le Creuset Petite Stoneware Garlic Baker ~ Cuisipro Deluxe Stainless Steel Food Mill ~ Le Creuset Stoneware Baking Dish in red ~ Le Creuset Covered Stoneware Baker in red ~ Sur La Table Nonstick Stainless Steel Roasting Pan ~ All-Clad Gourmet Jelly Roll Pan ~ De Buyer Nonstick Crepe Pan (unable to make crepes on other cooking surfaces) ~ Round Cake Pan ~ Muffin Pan ~ Miniature Muffin Pan</s> Madeleine Plaque ~ 'The Grid' Silicone Pot Holders in black ~ Rolling Pin ~ Sur La Table Dough Scraper ~ Bouquet Garni Bag ~ Brown Sugar Saver ~ Le Creuset Halo Teakettle in red ~ Teapot ~ Vic Firth Salt & Pepper Mills in cherry ~ Spice Towers ~ Krups Brushed Stainless Steel Grinder ~ Shun Knife Collection (wood block, Chef's, santoku, boning, paring, and bread knives) ~ Braun Hand Blender & Chopper ~ Epicurean Grooved Cutting Surface ~ Colander ~ OXO Pump Salad Spinner ~ Chef's Choice Three-Stage Sharpener ~ Bamboo Expandable Tray ~ Rosle Dripless Ladle ~ Rosle Serving Spoon ~ Rosle Slotted Spoon ~ Rosle Spatula ~ Rosle Twirl Whisk ~ Rosle Flat Whisk ~ Rosle Fine Mesh Kitchen Strainer ~ OXO Balloon Whisk ~ Rosle Self-Locking BBQ Tongs ~ Le Creuset Silicone Pastry Brush ~ Wooden Spoon ~ All Purpose Spatula ~ Kitchen Aid Silicone Short Turner, black ~ Rosle Garlic Press ~ Bamboo Skimmer ~ Mandoline Slicer ~ Citrus Reamer ~ Can Opener ~ Candy/Chocolate Thermometer ~ Ice Cream Scoop ~ Meat Tenderizer ~ Nut Cracker ~ Tovolo Dripless Turkey Baster ~ Rosle Waiter's Friend/Captain's Knife ~ Potato Ricer ~ Canning Jar Lifter ~ Egg Slicer ~ White Marble Mortar and Pestle ~ Microplane Box Grater ~ Zyliss 4-in-1 Multi Slicer/Grater ~ Pyrex 4-cup Glass Measuring Bowl ~ Stainless Steel Measuring Cup Set ~ Stainless Steel Measuring Spoon Set ~ Funnel with Strainer ~ 18/10 Stainless Steel Flatware Set (Service for 8) ~ Expandable Flatware Tray ~ Nested Glass Mixing Bowl Set ~ Corningware Corelle Coordinates 3-piece Bowl Set, Shadow Iris ~ Stainless Steel Mixing Bowls ~ OXO Good Grips 5-qt. Mixing Bowl ~ Rubberwood Salad Wood Bowl and Stand ~ Universal Nonstick Silicone Lid ~ 4-pc. Square Canister Set ~ Corelle Livingware 16-pc. Dinnerware Set, Service for 4 ~ Open Bar 12-pc. Set ~ Clear Solutions Jumbo Cookbook Holder ~ Typhoon Elegance Drizzler in Amethyst ~ Scouring Pad ~ Potato Brush ~ Wooden Mushroom Brush ~ Simplehuman Wall-Mounted Paper Towel Holder ~ Cabinet Mount Trash System ~ Magnetic Measurement Conversion Chart ~ AeroGrow AeroGarden ~

LIVING ROOM

Ballet bar ~ Purple Sofa ~ Tribeca Coffee Table ~ Azura Pablo Entertainment Center ~ Framed Orchids II Art Poster Print, 12 x 12 ~ 2 Optium Acrylic, 12 x 12 ~ Lily Print in 12 x 12 ~ Amethyst Gemstone Tree ~ Egyptian Vintage Perfume Bottle ~ Large Chinese Parasol Umbrella in plum ~ Unscented Soy Candles of Various Sizes ~ Purple Candles of Assorted Sizes and Shapes ~Nightstand Shoji Lamp ~ Peace Lily Houseplant ~ Vintage Perfume Bottles in Purple ~

MISCELLANEOUS

Voice Recorder ~

MOVIES/DVDs

Buffy the Vampire Slayer ~ Center Stage ~ Fight Club ~ Mean Girls ~ Face/Off ~ Memento ~ Vanilla Sky ~ Mr. and Mrs. Smith ~ Wanted ~ My Big Fat Greek Wedding ~ Supernatural (Season 1, 2, and 3) ~ Swimfan ~ The Craft ~ Totoro ~ Unfaithful ~ Urban Legends ~ Valentine ~ Wild Things ~ Wizard of Oz ~

OFFICE AREA

Computer ~ Computer Screen ~ Computer Table ~ Computer Chair ~ Printer/Copier/Scanner in 1 ~ Shredder ~ Oregon Scientific SmartGlobe ~ Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus with Comprehensive Reference Set ~ Brother P-Touch QL-500 Manual Cut PC Label Printing System ~

TOOL KIT

Tool kit ~ Sturdy Safety Gloves ~ Utility Knife ~ STANLEY Measuring Tape ~ Saw ~ Putty Knife ~ Assorted nails, screws, hooks, and wires ~ Staple Gun ~ Pry Bar ~ 10-inch Adjustable Wrench ~ Needlenose Pliers ~ Stud Finder ~ Survival Knife ~ Screwdriver Set ~ Black & Decker 12-Volt Cordless Power Drill ~ Hammer ~ Drill Bits ~ Carpenter's Level ~

Imagined Problems

What causes a person to disconnect completely or so significantly to the point of destruction or the confinement of failure? Okay, so, I’m familiar with the answer for the second part of the question. Sometimes you can feel driven to it. The details to my personal experience I’ll leave out. But I’m still lost on how someone can fabricate and manifest delusional realities to exacerbate an unhappy situation. In extreme cases, there are psychological cycles that are responsible for unfavorable behavioral tendencies. But when it appears to randomly surface in a seemingly rational person who’s problems arise and disappear almost according to convenience, it’s degrading. Sometimes what seems like trivial concerns may be of immense burden to others, but sometimes I find that even in the most unlikely sources, people will resort to falsified medical claims as a desperate attempt to change the circumstance selfishly, rather than face the difficulties in front of them. It saddens me when someone I care for and loves uses such a weak approach, because it poisons that person. And seeing it from someone who I thought I was so connected with and similar to frightens and shocks me. What made this person become like that? How much does this person know on a conscious level? Sometimes, it’s easier for me to believe that it’s all a twisted, manipulative tactic. It disgraceful, but at least then it would be an entirely conscious act. And to a point, I think it is. But I also believe that while this may have began . . . as for the lack of a better word, game, it morphed into a psychologically deranged mentality that’s corrupted her ability to distinguish reality from fiction.

I'm Free...Or So I Thought

I’ve never agreed with my parents’ logical extremes and warped philosophies in life. Their misguided loyalty to society or other inaccessible sources, low priority for happiness and self-fulfillment, self-criticizing, unrealistic expectations, and endless punishment for inevitable failures to meet their demands always seemed cruel, twisted, unproductive, and unrewarding to me. I always told myself that when I have the opportunity to move out and live my life freely, I would spend my time more positively. Because I spent my entire upbringing vehemently disagreeing with their methods, it didn’t dawn on me how much of their attitudes exist within me. I was raised to live without flaws and errors, that mistakes exist only within negligent people unwilling to remedy the problems in their lives. Problems should never exist. But I seem to be slow in the head, so somehow I manage to pollute my life with them. It’s unacceptable, and it’s vital for me to rectify them immediately under any and all circumstances. Nothing else is to be done or addressed until the problem is resolved. It’s the only thing in my life worth focusing on. If I’m so convinced that there are other priorities and other important things in life, even though I’m wrong, I can’t get back to it until my life resumes error-free. That’s the burden that weighed on me. I didn’t think it was fair, I didn’t agree with at all, and I was and am determined to live a more honest and realistic life. Life is messy, no matter what. It’s a blessing and a curse. I don’t care what my parents have to say about it. Apparently having enough common sense to see the faults in my parents’ way of thinking wasn’t enough for me to escape their asinine point of view. I came to that realization when budgeting became a challenge for me. Instead of calmly approaching the problem and asking my boyfriend for help, I suffered through it helplessly in a constant state of panic. It surprised me because I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes, ask for help when I need it, and I trust my boyfriend. I go to him when I usually have problems, so my reaction is very unlike me. I just got into a OCD mindset where nothing else could be bothered with until this problem is corrected. I found myself nutritiously deprived, imbalanced, and sleepless. I was too busy focusing on one problem that I didn’t realize what I was doing or, more importantly, what I wasn’t doing. It came to me as a shock. My parents would be proud, but I’ve never been more ashamed of myself. I’ve made far greater mistakes, but I’m an adult now. I should know better. My boyfriend shouldn’t have to tell me that whatever financial dilemma I’m in should never excuse starvation. He grew up poor, and they didn’t have much. They had to make a lot of sacrifices growing up, but his parents have always stressed that food is non-negotiable. I didn’t grow up in poverty, quite the opposite, but anything and everything would be sacrificed in a heartbeat at the chance of being “perfect.” It’s not enough to violently disagree with it. I really have to see within myself to realize where those twisted theories exist in me. I never went looking for them because I didn’t believe it was a part of me. That was my greatest mistake.