I'm disgraced to admit that I've allowed my selfishness and fear of being left alone interfere with my duties as a friend and my usual nature. I'm an honest, upfront, and direct person. This made maintaining friendships a challenge when I was younger, but now I've come to appreciate who I am without guilt because I surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. This saying conveys my identity beautifully:
Sometimes the truth hurts. But I'd rather be the one to tell you the truth then to tell you lies.
or
Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
I've actually lost friends on a number of accounts for telling truths they weren't ready to hear such as a betrayal of a lover or revealing that their new honey raped someone I knew. I knew and accepted the possibility, sometimes I even anticipated, that what I'm about to say can end my friendships with them. But I was willing to risk faulty friendships and good times to keep my friends safe and embrace who I am for the right reasons. When negative consequences occurred, I still knew it was the right thing to do. I've finally reached a chapter in my life where I can embrace who I am because it's a great way to filter out people who aren't worth my time, I found myself hesitating and withholding my opinions, a dangerous choice and completely out of nature to who I am.
Living alone doesn't seem as lonely as I once suspected it to be because I have the presence and support of my friends. I was afraid of losing that, so I withheld information for my own selfish purposes and risked my friend. My close friend was dating a guy who made me really uneasy. I was really conflicted about him because he has a duplicate personality fusion hybrid thing going on. Most people who are as distasteful and vile as him don't have the capability and consideration to show the kind of respect he exercised. It confused me. I didn't used to allow this confusion to interfere with expressing my concerns. I'm not trying to remove any potential responsibility on my friend's poor judgment or her asshole ex-boyfriend, but I hate how I compromised my identity for my own selfish gain. I can't understand why now that I have friends who accept me for who I really am that I pretend to be someone I'm not.
I thought I made progress. I believe I'm a good person, but I wasn't the most considerate and selfless I can be. I've recently started to sacrifice my interests for others and put others before me. I was against it in the past because I really wanted what I wanted. I felt deprived my entire life, and I hate settling. But I've realized that doing something for others before me wasn't difficult and had its own reward. Not only did it teach me that I can do it with ease, but I practice not living with everything I want and deal with it successfully. So I was really disappointed by my action or lack of.
My friend's boyfriend used to unhook womens' bras as he walked by. Such obnoxious behavior, but it's also distasteful and crossing the line. You may not be raping her, but you're still crossing the line. He would shoot blanks at cars that took too long to respond to a green light. If someone cut him off on the road, he'd follow them and slash their cars with a weapon he proudly displays. I do believe that everyone makes mistakes, and that's not necessarily reason enough to not give them a second chance. But once you've crossed the line, it's easy to cross it again. That's not the kind of exposure I think my friend should have. She's not that kind of person. I guess we're both doing things that are unlike us.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Things to Buy
9. Silicone Bra
11. Vacuum Cleaner
12.
Friday, April 18, 2008
It Was One of Those Days
I meant to blog about this a few days ago when the feelings were fresh, but I really wasn't up for it. It was just one of those days when you feel so alone, so lost, so inadequate, so unimportant, and disposable. It wasn't triggered by an event or lack of. It's just an unavoidable feeling I face from time to time that I have to overcome. What I have to remember during those times is that the feelings pass. During the second day of a major heat increase, I got a fever. So that prompted a lazy mood. I ignored the dishes that were accumulating. When I felt better, rather than responsibly cleaning, I continued to neglect my tasks. So I forced myself to go outside as a way to re-energize. Unfortunately, it had an opposite effect. Being surrounded by people who had places to go, things to do, a direction to follow, goals to achieve, made me feel out of place. I think these concerns were building inside of me for a couple of days, but it didn't surface until I faced the outside world. I think staying inside conceals these feelings because I don't have to deal with them. It's the contrast that brings it out of me, feeling like I don't have the sense of purpose others, I imagine, possess. I used to believe that I need the energy of others to keep me centered, but that's because I relied on it. That dependence influenced my outcome. I felt disconnected at the absence of close friends, and hanging out lifted my spirits. I still believe that I need the energy of other people. Everyone does. Recent changes has forced me to stop relying on others, though, and I've learned that I can function normally being isolated when I have to be. Ultimately, I'm unwilling to tolerate my weaknesses, so I eradicate them any way I can. I'm starting to realize why others see me as a strong individual. I didn't see myself as a strong person in the past because I was so intolerant. People who've experienced half my pain and trauma show more tolerance, which I mistakenly associated with resilience. While there is a correlation between the two, they aren't one in the same. Being intolerant doesn't make me weak. It makes me demanding. It means I have standards, and I don't tolerate anything less. Feeling inadequate doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. I used to think people thought I was strong because of what I had to endure, not an inner strength that existed within me. I've now realized that although it was forced upon me, the fact that I endured it means I have strength. That's what I'm doing now. Sometimes, I'm so paralyzed with pain, but I always move forward, even if it's in the dark.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Annual Expenses and To-Do List
January
Visit my primary care physician and get my annual health exam.
Visit my gynecologist and get my pap smear and birth contraceptives.
February
Start saving up money for allergy and cold sore medications.
Start taking 1,000 mg of L-Lysine as a preventive measure for cold sores.
Schedule an appointment for my allergies.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores.
Reduce your seafood and fatty food intake as a way to avoid cold sore outbreaks.
March
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Buy fever reducer medications.
Make sure you have a working fan or buy one.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
April
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Have my kit ready: cold sore and allergy medications, fever reducers, thermometer, ice pack, fan.
Set up a working fan.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
May
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you you a pair of comfortable sandals.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Keep an eye out for pests and spray your unit with Ortho Home Defense Indoor Insect Killer.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Save up money for sun poison and heat rashes.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
June
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
July
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
August
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Start saving up money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
September
Buy money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Start getting a full night's sleep to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Have hand cream available to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
October
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
November
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
December
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
Visit my primary care physician and get my annual health exam.
Visit my gynecologist and get my pap smear and birth contraceptives.
February
Start saving up money for allergy and cold sore medications.
Start taking 1,000 mg of L-Lysine as a preventive measure for cold sores.
Schedule an appointment for my allergies.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores.
Reduce your seafood and fatty food intake as a way to avoid cold sore outbreaks.
March
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Buy fever reducer medications.
Make sure you have a working fan or buy one.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
April
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Have my kit ready: cold sore and allergy medications, fever reducers, thermometer, ice pack, fan.
Set up a working fan.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
May
Buy allergy medications.
Buy cold sore medications.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you you a pair of comfortable sandals.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Keep an eye out for pests and spray your unit with Ortho Home Defense Indoor Insect Killer.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off cold sores and allergies.
Stop eating seafood, pasta, fatty foods, and sweets.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat and poultry, whole wheat, and yogurt.
Take 1,000 mg of L-Lysine to ward off cold sores.
Save up money for sun poison and heat rashes.
Take showers at night to reduce allergic intensity.
June
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
July
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Make sure you have a pair of wearable shorts.
Make sure you have a pair of comfortable sandals.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
August
Run the AC and keep the fan on to keep your apartment cool.
Have a full stock of water bottles.
Start saving up money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Carry a fan, thermometer, and water bottle at all times to make sure you don't get a life threatening fever.
Buy medications for sun poison and heat rashes.
September
Buy money for tuition and school supplies especially books.
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Start getting a full night's sleep to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Have hand cream available to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
October
Start eating more fresh fruits to keep my immune system strong.
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
November
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
December
Make sure you start getting a full night's sleep so that your immune system can fight off colds and the flu.
Eat healthfully to protect yourself from the flu and colds.
Apply hand cream daily to keep them from drying and reducing risk of skin infections.
Be sure to intensify cardio, as circulation reduces significantly with painful consequences.
Take baths and stay warm.
Start saving money for after Christmas sale.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Alleged Cold Sores Begin
On April 11, 2008, tiny dots on the outside of my lips started to form. Only one dot was most visible to me. This was probably a result of not getting a full night's sleep. My lips weren't chapped in that dry white hanging skin sort of way. My lips were a shade of dark red, which sometimes happens when my lips aren't very hydrated.
On April 12, 2008, I should've been asleep by midnight by I was up past one. I woke up today with even redder lips, and they felt tighter than the day before. There are tiny dots around the corner of my lips. With the slightest pressure, it feels a little wet, as though it's pus filled. I was up making roast chicken, which I started earlier. Eating the skin and bacon was probably not the best move. Weakening my immune system and consuming fatty foods is unfavorable.
I argue it's alleged cold sores because around this time of year, it's either cold sores, heat blisters, or sun poison. I suspect it's cold sores because the timing is right, and it was triggered by not getting a full night's sleep and a poor diet. Heat blisters or sun poison are usually triggered when I'm outside, and I have been outside, but it took a while for this outbreak to form. Plus, the heat blisters are a side effect of cold sores in my experience. Sun poison usually peels away my skin. I've actually had lip aggravations from the week before. A large red dot that wasn't pus filled on my left upper lip corner formed. I believe it developed when I was out since 9 in the morning on a sunny day of 70-ish degrees. It shrunk but didn't go away when I retreated from the light. I have to be careful because whatever this outbreak is I'm at risk for all of the above. My allergy meds are pricey, so balancing everything out is tricky.
My concerns: cold sores, heat blisters and sun poison on my lips and skin, severe eye allergies, clogged nasal passages that obstruct breathing, throat irritation that can block and develop behind the back of the throat, both breathing passages getting blocked, reaching a dangerous fever, my body overheating, my apartment overheating so much that it becomes a breeding ground for pests
Plan: Pay for my allergy meds, buy cold sore treatment, keep myself cool wearing shorts and using a Chinese fan, maybe buy a small cooler and alternate with the AC, use a lighter blanket, keep the windows open at night,
On April 12, 2008, I should've been asleep by midnight by I was up past one. I woke up today with even redder lips, and they felt tighter than the day before. There are tiny dots around the corner of my lips. With the slightest pressure, it feels a little wet, as though it's pus filled. I was up making roast chicken, which I started earlier. Eating the skin and bacon was probably not the best move. Weakening my immune system and consuming fatty foods is unfavorable.
I argue it's alleged cold sores because around this time of year, it's either cold sores, heat blisters, or sun poison. I suspect it's cold sores because the timing is right, and it was triggered by not getting a full night's sleep and a poor diet. Heat blisters or sun poison are usually triggered when I'm outside, and I have been outside, but it took a while for this outbreak to form. Plus, the heat blisters are a side effect of cold sores in my experience. Sun poison usually peels away my skin. I've actually had lip aggravations from the week before. A large red dot that wasn't pus filled on my left upper lip corner formed. I believe it developed when I was out since 9 in the morning on a sunny day of 70-ish degrees. It shrunk but didn't go away when I retreated from the light. I have to be careful because whatever this outbreak is I'm at risk for all of the above. My allergy meds are pricey, so balancing everything out is tricky.
My concerns: cold sores, heat blisters and sun poison on my lips and skin, severe eye allergies, clogged nasal passages that obstruct breathing, throat irritation that can block and develop behind the back of the throat, both breathing passages getting blocked, reaching a dangerous fever, my body overheating, my apartment overheating so much that it becomes a breeding ground for pests
Plan: Pay for my allergy meds, buy cold sore treatment, keep myself cool wearing shorts and using a Chinese fan, maybe buy a small cooler and alternate with the AC, use a lighter blanket, keep the windows open at night,
Friday, April 11, 2008
Household Supplies for April
9. Kleenex to go Packets
15. Showerhead
To-Do List
I have a pinched nerve again, and it's tugging at my hips. It's taking me longer than I'd like to warm up to standing! And I have a ton of errands to run. Luckily, I'm in no rush. And the warm weather is good for my hip. I'm surprised that my hips have become so aggravated with the absence of really cold weather, the usual trigger.
1. Recycle
2. Buy remaining groceries: ginger, whole roast chicken, garlic, lemons
3. Stop by the bank
4. Complete my organizing mission in the bedroom
5. Get a teeth cleaning
6. Pick up transcripts
7. Get a passport
8. Go to Chinatown
9. Pickle beets
10. Roast a chicken
11. Visit a botanical garden
12. Take photos
13. Clean the air purifier
14. Do the laundry
15. Wash the lingerie
16. Clean the windows
17. Pickle cucumbers
18. Drop off donations at Salvation Army
19. Post power drill
20. Get a haircut
21. Join an indoor cycling class
22. Clean the blinds
23. Create a craft drawer
24. Organize the books
25. Create a school drawer
26. Organize clothes drawers
5. Get a teeth cleaning
6. Pick up transcripts
7. Get a passport
11. Visit a botanical garden
12. Take photos
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Dedicated to My Boyfriend
My entries usually reflect my life and, more often than not, it involves epiphanies and unpleasant experiences. I neglect to blog about good things in my life because they don't bother me. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, they don't have as much of a priority to me because of it. When things bother me, I have to vent for my sanity. Yet with epiphanies, I make the time to address them, although they're aren't disruptive in my life, either. They're actually enlightening. That's an unfair double standard. If anything, I should use my energy more productively and positively by focusing on the better aspects of my life such as my boyfriend. I always felt cheesy bragging about my man. Every girl thinks she has the best. So who cares? But why am I so concerned about that? I certainly don't show the same consideration with other entries? Besides, one of my problems has always been ingratitude. I truly believe that when you expose yourself to positive energies, a positive environment, and live your life better that the universe will assist in your equilibrium. So, it's time I make a change. (For one thing, I should start focusing on not making my boyfriend's "entry" about me).
Here goes the cliques and the Ripley's Believe It or Not (exaggeration). My boyfriend is amazing. We've been together for over six years now, and our relationship is still fun, unpredictable, committed but also stable, loving, and evolving. It has a rare and healthy balance. It works because of who he is and who I am. I think that in a lot of relationships individuals don't know who they are, so their identity gets compromised. You can't have a successful relationship without knowing who you are. I know that I'm out of order with my whole bragging about my relationship, but it's not new. So, I'm less impressed with how awesome he is and way more touched by how good we are together. Going on and on about how amazing your man is is an act of a new relationship. Over time that dreamy perspective fogs with reality. When after all of that, you can look your lover in the eyes and really care about him, that's love. After all, it's easy to love someone who seems virtually perfect.
My boyfriend is far from perfect, but I love him. Perfection is unachievable, and I've learned to appreciate that reality. It makes things interesting. He's funny, which is significant because humor was never a requirement for me, as I have no humor whatsoever. And then I met him. I laugh so much that I have to make sure to moisturize. He's a great person, a wonderful friend, the most considerate roommate, and an amazing boyfriend. He's a successfully ATTENTIVE LISTENER. Trust me, I tested his abilities rigorously. I talk fast. I don't slow down. I have a lot to say. I've been compared to Six from the old TV show Blossom. She talks super fast. I didn't just test my boyfriend based on regular speed. In fact, out of amusement, with the predisposed notion that he would undoubtedly fail to comprehend anything I had to say, I spoke really, really quickly with random, irrelevant information every few sentences or so. Then I abruptly stopped and asked him what he thought. I just think it's funny to see guys panic, but to my surprise and shock, he heard EVERYTHING I said. Not just that but his listening skills are so refined that he corrected me. What a rare breed he is.
He's also sweet, caring, considerate, endlessly thoughtful, trusting, loving, understanding, and patient, great qualities for boyfriends to have. But the reality is, you can't live on Prince Charming qualities alone, long-term anyways. He's also intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, perceptive, innovative, and ambitious. These added qualities enrich our relationship and allow us to connect at a deeper level. We're crazy about each other, but we can also be adversaries. We can talk about anthropology and start cracking up. Okay, that just makes us sound immature and unfocused, which we sometimes are, but it's not like that. There's just so much more.
There are so many dimensions to our relationship, some of which I thought weren't possible. I love him because of who he is not just as a boyfriend but as a person. He has a strong sense of self, but so do I. That's so important. I've loved before, but it was never like this because it was the wrong guy but also I was different. I've always been a strong person, but I was also lost. You can't have a successful relationship until you discover who you are. We both know who we are, so we know that we work well together because we're not bullshitting. I love him for who he is. I love how he makes me feel. I love who I am when I'm with him. I love how we are together. There's a lot to be said about a happy and thriving relationship after all of these years. The crazy thing is that we're still learning a lot about each other. It's never boring for us.
Here goes the cliques and the Ripley's Believe It or Not (exaggeration). My boyfriend is amazing. We've been together for over six years now, and our relationship is still fun, unpredictable, committed but also stable, loving, and evolving. It has a rare and healthy balance. It works because of who he is and who I am. I think that in a lot of relationships individuals don't know who they are, so their identity gets compromised. You can't have a successful relationship without knowing who you are. I know that I'm out of order with my whole bragging about my relationship, but it's not new. So, I'm less impressed with how awesome he is and way more touched by how good we are together. Going on and on about how amazing your man is is an act of a new relationship. Over time that dreamy perspective fogs with reality. When after all of that, you can look your lover in the eyes and really care about him, that's love. After all, it's easy to love someone who seems virtually perfect.
My boyfriend is far from perfect, but I love him. Perfection is unachievable, and I've learned to appreciate that reality. It makes things interesting. He's funny, which is significant because humor was never a requirement for me, as I have no humor whatsoever. And then I met him. I laugh so much that I have to make sure to moisturize. He's a great person, a wonderful friend, the most considerate roommate, and an amazing boyfriend. He's a successfully ATTENTIVE LISTENER. Trust me, I tested his abilities rigorously. I talk fast. I don't slow down. I have a lot to say. I've been compared to Six from the old TV show Blossom. She talks super fast. I didn't just test my boyfriend based on regular speed. In fact, out of amusement, with the predisposed notion that he would undoubtedly fail to comprehend anything I had to say, I spoke really, really quickly with random, irrelevant information every few sentences or so. Then I abruptly stopped and asked him what he thought. I just think it's funny to see guys panic, but to my surprise and shock, he heard EVERYTHING I said. Not just that but his listening skills are so refined that he corrected me. What a rare breed he is.
He's also sweet, caring, considerate, endlessly thoughtful, trusting, loving, understanding, and patient, great qualities for boyfriends to have. But the reality is, you can't live on Prince Charming qualities alone, long-term anyways. He's also intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, perceptive, innovative, and ambitious. These added qualities enrich our relationship and allow us to connect at a deeper level. We're crazy about each other, but we can also be adversaries. We can talk about anthropology and start cracking up. Okay, that just makes us sound immature and unfocused, which we sometimes are, but it's not like that. There's just so much more.
There are so many dimensions to our relationship, some of which I thought weren't possible. I love him because of who he is not just as a boyfriend but as a person. He has a strong sense of self, but so do I. That's so important. I've loved before, but it was never like this because it was the wrong guy but also I was different. I've always been a strong person, but I was also lost. You can't have a successful relationship until you discover who you are. We both know who we are, so we know that we work well together because we're not bullshitting. I love him for who he is. I love how he makes me feel. I love who I am when I'm with him. I love how we are together. There's a lot to be said about a happy and thriving relationship after all of these years. The crazy thing is that we're still learning a lot about each other. It's never boring for us.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Beauty and Pain of Ballet
For most of my life, ballet was a part of me. I loved it, and I hated it. And I knew it, but I forgot what it was like until I came across this old poetry. I no longer see the world the way I saw it then. But it's still all true. What I couldn't understand was the appeal as I read my description. Back then, I saw both the pain and beauty in things. They're no longer one in the same. Pain used to be numbingly routine for me and was the standard. Now pain has washed away that it no longer agonizes me. But at a time when pain would paralyze me, I couldn't see the appeal until I had my epiphany. My life, then, was unbearable, full of pain, and I hated it, but it's also all that I knew. Ballet offered that familiarity but also a beauty that I never had before.
We are light as a feather
We are of grace and beauty
Our arms are like branches on a tree
They may never droop
Our body must drift along gracefully
As if being pulled by some string
Slowly gliding along the stage
All we must show is perfection
Our body being light as a feather
Being carried along
Confidence must be carried in our high necks
Our legs must be sturdy
They must lift up gently into the sky in all directions
And the whole time we will always remain balanced
This is the true body of a ballerina
We will show no strain or effort of any kind
We must act like we are flying
All along we will conceal our pain
Our heavy body feeling as if it's being weighed down as more seconds go by
Our uncomfortable necks feeling paralyzed
Our stiff arms feeling like they are stones
Our legs throbbing of pain
Our bleeding toes balancing on a block of wood
Full of fresh, sharp pain
The blisters forming at the tips of our toes
The bruses forming all around our feet
And everything just starts feeling like they're swelling so much
You feel like your feel will burst
And your legs will turn into crumbs
And you're ready to fall on your head
This is what ballet is all about
Pain and torture
Grace, balance, flexibility, endurance, and beauty
All in one box
To be a ballerina, you must be flexible in all ways
Without holding onto anything
Just hope
But not all is slow and flexible
It's also full of fast-acting pain which builds endurance
Agonizing jumps being done over and over and over
Quickly and quietly
In all sorts of speeds, counts, and forms
And different varieties of combinations
Ballet is Heaven and Hell put together
Ballet is Hell
And the ballerina is a lovely angel from Heaven
We are light as a feather
We are of grace and beauty
Our arms are like branches on a tree
They may never droop
Our body must drift along gracefully
As if being pulled by some string
Slowly gliding along the stage
All we must show is perfection
Our body being light as a feather
Being carried along
Confidence must be carried in our high necks
Our legs must be sturdy
They must lift up gently into the sky in all directions
And the whole time we will always remain balanced
This is the true body of a ballerina
We will show no strain or effort of any kind
We must act like we are flying
All along we will conceal our pain
Our heavy body feeling as if it's being weighed down as more seconds go by
Our uncomfortable necks feeling paralyzed
Our stiff arms feeling like they are stones
Our legs throbbing of pain
Our bleeding toes balancing on a block of wood
Full of fresh, sharp pain
The blisters forming at the tips of our toes
The bruses forming all around our feet
And everything just starts feeling like they're swelling so much
You feel like your feel will burst
And your legs will turn into crumbs
And you're ready to fall on your head
This is what ballet is all about
Pain and torture
Grace, balance, flexibility, endurance, and beauty
All in one box
To be a ballerina, you must be flexible in all ways
Without holding onto anything
Just hope
But not all is slow and flexible
It's also full of fast-acting pain which builds endurance
Agonizing jumps being done over and over and over
Quickly and quietly
In all sorts of speeds, counts, and forms
And different varieties of combinations
Ballet is Heaven and Hell put together
Ballet is Hell
And the ballerina is a lovely angel from Heaven
Lost Souls
I have a body just like everyone else
Yet I feel empty inside
I have a mind that supposedly has a brain that always seems to fail me
I have a pain in my chest that paralyzes me
From unimaginable pain
So I know I have a heart
Only it's there to just suffer
The emptiness inside me is the loss of a soul
Because I don't have a soul, I don't have a soul mate
The feeling of having pain inside to know you lost something you know you never had is almost worse than having your heart torn apart
Yet I feel empty inside
I have a mind that supposedly has a brain that always seems to fail me
I have a pain in my chest that paralyzes me
From unimaginable pain
So I know I have a heart
Only it's there to just suffer
The emptiness inside me is the loss of a soul
Because I don't have a soul, I don't have a soul mate
The feeling of having pain inside to know you lost something you know you never had is almost worse than having your heart torn apart
How I Saw Myself...Long Ago
Looking in the mirror, I see a dull girl
with such an unpleasant face
A face with spots and zits
Plain and heavy, black hair
Dark brown eyes to express my depression
Small, pale lips
And a thin, lean body without any feminine shape
There's nothing attractive about me
Not even a smile to brighten my face
But how can I?
Who will smile for themselves if they look like me?
I stare solemnly at my ugly face
Wondering why I couldn't be beautiful
Have luxurious long black hair, attractive eyes, luscious kissable lips, a flawless face
The only beauty I have is nothing but my imagination
with such an unpleasant face
A face with spots and zits
Plain and heavy, black hair
Dark brown eyes to express my depression
Small, pale lips
And a thin, lean body without any feminine shape
There's nothing attractive about me
Not even a smile to brighten my face
But how can I?
Who will smile for themselves if they look like me?
I stare solemnly at my ugly face
Wondering why I couldn't be beautiful
Have luxurious long black hair, attractive eyes, luscious kissable lips, a flawless face
The only beauty I have is nothing but my imagination
The First Stage
The wall I built to cover my emotions
won't enable me to express my feelings
My once strong and raging emotions trapped
weak and weary from trying to budget from my sturdy wall
Glued and sealed tightly together with no air to breathe
Impossible to explode
Almost lost feeling to what emotions are
And barely recognizable to me
Out of fear, my walls started to chip
Every little emotion came out
From mean words, sad stories, and lost friends
whom I haven't grieved over
My hope to release my emotions succeeded
But it's bursting full of speed out of control
My wish to release my emotions are starting to be questioned
My wall kept me outta trouble
And kept me from breaking down
It also covered my real identity
But who needs one here anyways?
They create who I am
I wrote this a long time ago. I don't even remember writing it, but it's definitely my handwriting, and I remember the feeling. So much has changed that I forgot where I came from, what I went through. I'm starting to realize why people consider me to be a strong person. I used to think they were all crap, and they had no idea what strength was. After all, if I'm so strong, why was I so weak? They didn't think I was weak, but they also didn't see that side of me. I couldn't escape it. I didn't consider strength to be what I tolerated and lived through. I felt weak, like I was going to collapse any minute. That's what I focused on, not what I overcame. Others didn't act like that is what I thought. And maybe I'm right, but I have no idea what goes on in the minds of others. Everyone says that who we are now is shaped from years of pain, love, suffering, and a myriad of other experiences. I never doubted it, but I never really examined my past before. I've become this overly-logical person who sees everything in black and white. I never really questioned why I became like this, but I remember now. I couldn't handle the gray areas, so I had to recolor everything. The contradiction is conveyed in this old poetry. I struggle now because I don't think emotionally, even when I should. To think back to a time when I was overrun by them. What a different time. A few months ago, a friend of mine passed away. The first thing that came to mind was the statistical likeliness of his death that I predicted was accurate. Of course, if you live your life that way you're going to die. But around the time that I wrote this poetry, I had a panic attack when another friend passed away. It's not that he meant more to me. My emotional receptors were working at the time.
won't enable me to express my feelings
My once strong and raging emotions trapped
weak and weary from trying to budget from my sturdy wall
Glued and sealed tightly together with no air to breathe
Impossible to explode
Almost lost feeling to what emotions are
And barely recognizable to me
Out of fear, my walls started to chip
Every little emotion came out
From mean words, sad stories, and lost friends
whom I haven't grieved over
My hope to release my emotions succeeded
But it's bursting full of speed out of control
My wish to release my emotions are starting to be questioned
My wall kept me outta trouble
And kept me from breaking down
It also covered my real identity
But who needs one here anyways?
They create who I am
I wrote this a long time ago. I don't even remember writing it, but it's definitely my handwriting, and I remember the feeling. So much has changed that I forgot where I came from, what I went through. I'm starting to realize why people consider me to be a strong person. I used to think they were all crap, and they had no idea what strength was. After all, if I'm so strong, why was I so weak? They didn't think I was weak, but they also didn't see that side of me. I couldn't escape it. I didn't consider strength to be what I tolerated and lived through. I felt weak, like I was going to collapse any minute. That's what I focused on, not what I overcame. Others didn't act like that is what I thought. And maybe I'm right, but I have no idea what goes on in the minds of others. Everyone says that who we are now is shaped from years of pain, love, suffering, and a myriad of other experiences. I never doubted it, but I never really examined my past before. I've become this overly-logical person who sees everything in black and white. I never really questioned why I became like this, but I remember now. I couldn't handle the gray areas, so I had to recolor everything. The contradiction is conveyed in this old poetry. I struggle now because I don't think emotionally, even when I should. To think back to a time when I was overrun by them. What a different time. A few months ago, a friend of mine passed away. The first thing that came to mind was the statistical likeliness of his death that I predicted was accurate. Of course, if you live your life that way you're going to die. But around the time that I wrote this poetry, I had a panic attack when another friend passed away. It's not that he meant more to me. My emotional receptors were working at the time.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Organizational Delay
As I was sorting through unmemorable photographs, I came across some meaningful ones of boyfriend and I. I was pleasantly surprised because we've been together for over six years now, and I feel like we have no evidence of that. I'm a picture person, but I'm more into photographing inanimate objects. Plus, my boyfriend's lazy eye really comes out in our photos, but it's not that obvious in person. I feel like photos don't really capture who we are. He always appears to be looking somewhere else. Even when I was photographed often, I never made the initiative. I guess a lot of time went by without much record. There's still quite a bit of photos of us that I want to display. I've decided to incorporate them into my craft projects. It's when I took the time to stop and think that I realized I barely mention my boyfriend. He's a huge part of my life, and he goes unacknowledged. I created labels for other people in my life, but I never did that for him. That reflects more negatively on my priorities. The thoughts I make an effort to post are troublesome, rarely are they about things I truly appreciate. That has to change. He means the world to me.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Past Memories
As I was sorting through my old stuff to create a better organization system, I came across a lot of past memories. I'm not a very sentimental person, so my photos really didn't mean much to me. To tell you the truth, I actually had an epiphany about them. At the time, I thought I was having a blast and I was. Looking at them now, those photos seem so empty, cold, and without purpose. I remember the party, the people, the fun, but there was no emotional attachment and I couldn't remember some peoples' names. I could recall all the parties we've been to and outfits worn, but everything about it was so superficial. I had two boxes, one filled with notecards about anthropology, communication, journalism, and nutrition and another filled with photos. I threw out most of the photos because while some people look at them and reminisce, I felt stupid for not remembering anyone's names. I just don't think I should keep items that take up space I really need for people who I can't even remember. Plus, if I don't bother to look at them, I'm not going to enjoy them. The only photos I kept were of friends from middle school, attractive pictures of me, photos of my boyfriend and I, and a few photo with someone who's no longer my friend. I'm well aware that keeping photos of failed friendships is like poison to my memories, but I'm just not ready to let her go. In spite of what she did, it wasn't long ago that she meant a lot to me. I wanted her to be my maid of honor, and she was like a sister to me. I'm smart enough to cut ties with someone who's willing to sabotage others to get what she wants, uses my friendship as a desperate tool to seduce an unavailable guy, and attempt to cling onto his attention by shit talking about me and even starting to crap with me to give it credibility, but I'm not rational enough to dispose of the photos yet. I'll get there. I'm usually overly logical, so I figure I'm entitled to one emotionally-driven decision.
Hand-written letters, theoretically, for me anyways, are more meaningful. With context and background information, I can resurface past memories and emotions, as though I was transported to my past. I forgot how much of a dynamic and social person I was. I remember the parties and going out, but it becomes a distant memory with details that dull over time. I totally forgot the details about how it made me feel, all the crazy drama that came with it, etc. especially when I looked through the photos only to recall very little. But as I was reading some of my letters, I started to remember. Don't pull a --- Stay good. Be good. Let it --- go. Fuck ---- That was so crazy. No more fires. The Psycho Clique. They don't mean much to others, but it made me realize that it wasn't just partying. It was a part of who I was. I've always been a complicated and dynamic person. My social life didn't mask that. It just appeared differently.
But I also realized something really important. Even the people I'm no longer friends with and the vacuous photos reminded me of how important I was in their lives. I would hear of someone making an elaborate gesture or even little things that were incredible for their friends. While I was happy for the recipient, I did envy them because I never had that...or so I thought. So what if I didn't have a five block long bonfire dedicated exclusively for my "birthday". It was probably word of mouth that brought all of those people together. Hell, that's why I was there. I've never even met the birthday girl. But my friends took time out of their lives to personalize their letters for me. One friend always wrote with two pens outlining each word she wrote down to reflect my duality as she called it. There was another friend who bought pounds of violet colored papers to write just for me because they're my favorite. She said they're beautiful like me but also rough like me. I got a lot of feel better care packages when I was home alone with handmade letters. I feel like I offer good advice, but it often goes ignored. Piles of letters suggest otherwise with simple thank yous. A lot of details, effort, and time was put in for me. Mixed CDs, photos, handmade cards, chocolates, etc. I butt heads with a lot of people because I'm honest. I cut through the bullshit, and it bothers a lot of people. If you ask me what I think about your outfit, and I think it's slutty, I'll tell you, even at the expense of pot calling the kettle black. People can't distinguish the difference between the disgust I have in the outfit vs. the person. Apply that philosophy in other areas, and that's me. I don't want to waste time with people who don't value my sincerity anyways. But because of that I've always believed that people don't care about me the way others do. I'm glad I'm wrong, and I've realized that.
Ultimately I've decided to throw most of the letters out because that's my past. It's important to remember my past so that I can appreciate what I have and how much I've changed, but keeping on to essentially clutter that's taking up space I need isn't going to do me any good. I don't look through my letters often enough to have much value anyways. It's just made me realize how much I've changed, how much everything's changed, and yet so many things remain the same. Friendships I chose to end felt right at the time, but now I know I've made the right decision because years later, they're still such bitches. And to think, they used to be like me, which means I could've turned out like them.
Hand-written letters, theoretically, for me anyways, are more meaningful. With context and background information, I can resurface past memories and emotions, as though I was transported to my past. I forgot how much of a dynamic and social person I was. I remember the parties and going out, but it becomes a distant memory with details that dull over time. I totally forgot the details about how it made me feel, all the crazy drama that came with it, etc. especially when I looked through the photos only to recall very little. But as I was reading some of my letters, I started to remember. Don't pull a --- Stay good. Be good. Let it --- go. Fuck ---- That was so crazy. No more fires. The Psycho Clique. They don't mean much to others, but it made me realize that it wasn't just partying. It was a part of who I was. I've always been a complicated and dynamic person. My social life didn't mask that. It just appeared differently.
But I also realized something really important. Even the people I'm no longer friends with and the vacuous photos reminded me of how important I was in their lives. I would hear of someone making an elaborate gesture or even little things that were incredible for their friends. While I was happy for the recipient, I did envy them because I never had that...or so I thought. So what if I didn't have a five block long bonfire dedicated exclusively for my "birthday". It was probably word of mouth that brought all of those people together. Hell, that's why I was there. I've never even met the birthday girl. But my friends took time out of their lives to personalize their letters for me. One friend always wrote with two pens outlining each word she wrote down to reflect my duality as she called it. There was another friend who bought pounds of violet colored papers to write just for me because they're my favorite. She said they're beautiful like me but also rough like me. I got a lot of feel better care packages when I was home alone with handmade letters. I feel like I offer good advice, but it often goes ignored. Piles of letters suggest otherwise with simple thank yous. A lot of details, effort, and time was put in for me. Mixed CDs, photos, handmade cards, chocolates, etc. I butt heads with a lot of people because I'm honest. I cut through the bullshit, and it bothers a lot of people. If you ask me what I think about your outfit, and I think it's slutty, I'll tell you, even at the expense of pot calling the kettle black. People can't distinguish the difference between the disgust I have in the outfit vs. the person. Apply that philosophy in other areas, and that's me. I don't want to waste time with people who don't value my sincerity anyways. But because of that I've always believed that people don't care about me the way others do. I'm glad I'm wrong, and I've realized that.
Ultimately I've decided to throw most of the letters out because that's my past. It's important to remember my past so that I can appreciate what I have and how much I've changed, but keeping on to essentially clutter that's taking up space I need isn't going to do me any good. I don't look through my letters often enough to have much value anyways. It's just made me realize how much I've changed, how much everything's changed, and yet so many things remain the same. Friendships I chose to end felt right at the time, but now I know I've made the right decision because years later, they're still such bitches. And to think, they used to be like me, which means I could've turned out like them.
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