I truly believe that everyone is endowed with a unique gift that makes us original. It's just a matter of finding or developing it. Some people have computer skills. Some people have lyrical talent. Some people have healing hands. Some people have dancing. Some people have debating or negotiating skills. I have writing. (Please don't judge my potential through my blogs). I happen to have a gift and are given many compliments as a result. I enjoy writing. It's something I'm good at. Emphasis on the previous sentence. It's something I'm good at. But it's not necessarily something I'm moved by. Others have found true happiness in their gift. It transforms them to a different world. It stops time. Everything slows down. Their surrounding troubles don't exist there. It's a place they can call their own. I don't have that, but I want it. I want something that truly inspires me, not some convenient talent that I cling onto as a way to feel connected, to be a part of something, to be of value. It's time I stop focusing on what I can offer to society. And it's time I focus on what society can offer me. It's at that point when I'll stop trying to have what others have, as a desperate attempt to mask my loneliness and inadequacies. It'll no longer be about emulating a sense of value. It'll be about having value in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time being selfish and ungrateful that I forget how much I deny myself. I spent so much of my life escaping my environment and bettering myself that I neglected to realize that I'm unhappy. I'm just glad to be alive is what I thought. And that's great, but my standards should be and will soon be higher than that. Now that I'm in a place where I can think of only myself, I've realized that I don't know what happiness truly is. I wasn't able to distinguish between being a part of something and it being a part of me. Feeling second place, not being good enough has always been a permanent feeling that existed within me that I've almost gotten used to it. Settling was a way of life for me. I certainly don't have the emotional agility to accept my failures, so I lived a lie instead.
Ballet was never my thing, not really. It passed by the time. It gave me something to do, something to look forward to. Others admired my commitment and was envious that I had something to call my own. I heard it so many times that I almost started believing it. Combine that with ballet dancers who truly loved what they did and being exposed to that, day in and day out, and conveyed in a way that implied I was a part of it. I had never felt that before. It was nice. The only problem was that it wasn't coming from me. It came from everyone but me. There's only so long you can live in a shell until it starts to break down and fall apart. But rather than finding a new shell, I want to grow in my own. I had no idea what I was missing out on until I saw and felt the joy in others. On one end, I was so, so, so happy for them. On the other end, I felt like I swallowed poison and I couldn't breathe. I can't do this anymore.
I can't ignore the fact that I settled for ballet because I don't have rhythm, but I've always been so attracted to dance that I settled for the most tangible choice available, the slowest dance form that I can follow. I can't ignore the fact that writing only brings me pleasure because of the compliments I receive. Truthfully, they don't even have much value anymore. You're a great writer is an overused compliment and generally within everyone's potential to receive if people simply put more effort. So, conveniently, I'm only special because of other people's laziness and lack of drive, not because of what I possess but what others neglect to refine. I can't ignore the fact that writing is my perverse form of enjoyment because of the approval I get from others. I want something that enriches my life, not others. I wonder what that is... I'm familiar with what I'm bad at and what I don't enjoy, but I'm completely unaware of what I'm good at, what will change my life.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Just the Outer Shell
I talk to her. I see her. I hear her. She looks like her. But I don't see any signs of my friend. I'm not surprised, though. It looks like, from an outsider's point of view, she's losing all sense of herself. It's like she doesn't know who she is anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she ever did. She just keeps conforming into what others want to see in her. They don't see her for who she is or was, whatever that may be, that they don't appreciate her. So they continue to influence and change her. Although it's not fair to blame them entirely. If others are successful in manipulating her, she has to bear some responsibility for her susceptibility. That's the burden of being an adult. Mentally, though, she's a pouty child. I knew her before her teenage years when she still had an accent from her native language. It's a little late now to be behaving this way. Everyone's entitled to go through a bitch phase. It's the complaints, criticisms, and everything that comes with that that helps you define who you are. I guess it's better late than never, but she's not being productive. It's like she occupies her time complaining so that she doesn't have to face the world she's chosen to live in. This isn't who I became friends with. This isn't who I remember. People change. But are these natural changes that occur in everyone, or is she an entirely different person? I used to relate to her. I used to enjoy her company. We used to have the same perspective, communication skills, and mindset. Now, she's completely unidentifiable. Sometimes, I see people as reminders of what I don't want to become. I hate to admit it, but she's become one of those people. I lost a friend like that in middle school. She was athletic, intelligent, articulate, strong, and full of potential. Now, she's homeless, fucking guys who own convenience stores to stay alive so that she can sustain her crack habit. She's not this far gone, but I don't like seeing my friends as reminders of what I don't want to become because that's a sign of failure.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm Coping Surprisingly Well
I'm glad to report that I'm coping surprisingly well to allergy season. Perhaps it's too early to tell, but I think getting conjunctivitis has really disciplined me. I saw my optometrist at the first sign of an allergic reaction. He gave me some eye drops that stopped working recently. The first day that my eyes started itching, I developed conjunctivitis. I was horrified. For an entire day, half of my vision was obstructed. I'm better now. My nose is still runny but not nearly as much. My head feels a little stuffy and heavy, at times, but I'm not disoriented and move at normal speed. I just hope I can get through the entire allergy season like this.
My physician is only available on Fridays, and her first available appointment is after the allergy season in July. On top of that, my hospital refuses to replace my primary care physician. Last year, I waited hours to be seen once I was there and weeks to be scheduled. I went through three boxes of tissue paper, and I used them thoroughly. My eyes were raw red, and I was sneezing so loudly that the people outside in the waiting room kept complaining about the nose. Yet, somehow they managed to ignore me. It must be the spider effect. I'd rather not have to deal with that again. I've tried multiple physicians without success.
My physician is only available on Fridays, and her first available appointment is after the allergy season in July. On top of that, my hospital refuses to replace my primary care physician. Last year, I waited hours to be seen once I was there and weeks to be scheduled. I went through three boxes of tissue paper, and I used them thoroughly. My eyes were raw red, and I was sneezing so loudly that the people outside in the waiting room kept complaining about the nose. Yet, somehow they managed to ignore me. It must be the spider effect. I'd rather not have to deal with that again. I've tried multiple physicians without success.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My So-Called Birthday Celebration
I really don't mind if my birthday isn't celebrated but would gladly appreciate it if it was. I don't think my point of view is unreasonable. I'm open to either possibility, BUT whatever decision is made, I'd like the promise to be kept.
Mean what you say
Say what you mean
Now, if there was a family emergency or a car accident, that would understandably and naturally come first. But it wasn't like that. I was so grateful when my friend called and said he'd get me an espresso cake in honor of my birthday. Since I knew that money was in short supply for him, I suggested that maybe everyone can split the cost. I'm okay with pitching in. If it helps lessen the blow for my friends, why not? But they find it unthinkable for the birthday girl to contribute financially, so I told him that financial arrangements would have to be made with others. He seemed to acknowledge what I said and agreed. He ended the conversation by reminding me that he doesn't eat cake, so he doesn't know where to buy an espresso cake.
Well, few people do. Espresso cake isn't a very popular choice. But it was his expectation, previous quarrels, and perspective that really annoyed me. He told me that because he doesn't eat cakes, he doesn't know where to buy it, so I have to give him the details. I should also mention that he also claims to be an expert researcher. And yet something as basic as using google to find a local bakery is lost on him. I'm astounded when using google or the yellow pages to get phone numbers and make inquiries are foreign concepts to people but especially ones who claim to be expert researchers. This method is so basic and simplistic that the elementary school version of me has even practiced it. It'd be easier to think that he was too lazy to go through the effort, but I know better than that. Because of his informal training in research, he doesn't know about this common practice, and he doesn't have a researcher's mentality to come up with this idea on his own. He's so overconfident about his ability that he's even gone as far as scrutinizing my researching skills. The idea that someone as ignorant as him comfortably criticizes me offends me greatly at a time like this. When any effort is required, he's unable to complete the task.
Quite frankly, I don't feel comfortable putting effort into my own birthday cake for a number of reasons. It's a spoiled point of view, but it's my birthday. I don't want to do all of the work. Birthday cakes are usually the responsibility of others. It's not fair to put the burden onto others over a tradition that not everyone agrees upon, and that's why I'm more than willing to go without a birthday cake. But when a promise to provide me an espresso cake is over exaggerated, I expect that promise to be delivered.
I also don't want to overstep my boundaries. When it's someone else's birthday cake, I can find out how much each person can afford to pitch in and follow that budget. No one's going to tell the birthday girl what their budget is. So, I'd be walking in blind. If I selected the cheapest cake, some of my petty friends would be insulted that I have such low standards for them. Anything pricier, and they'd probably think I'm being a selfish bitch. As someone who always makes the arrangements, I know how much repeated efforts has to be made. I call and make sure everyone's okay with splitting the cost of something. They usually agree and claim that whatever the amount is, they can easily pay. With experience, I've learned that their promises aren't reliable. By the time they view the receipt, it's a different story. The cost can be $10, and sometimes it's unaffordable. Other times, $35 is completely acceptable. The inconsistency is frustrating, but I can't force more accuracy out of them. So, I provide everyone with an estimate. That's when I get more insight. Taking that into account, I provide everyone with the exact cost. I usually have to reiterate that, as well. And then, alas, it's finalized. It's a nuisance for everyone, but my friends' have shared their appreciation for my considerate and diligent efforts. Coming from the birthday girl, though, it sounds demanding and high-maintenance. I'd be creating an uncomfortable environment of obligatory demands. As if that weren't bad enough, if I did proceed, I know for sure that one of my friends wouldn't stop complaining about the financial impact it's had on him, jokingly but nonetheless sincere. I don't know why he would think it's funny to constantly complain about how I'm responsible for him having no money...but that's okay because it's my birthday comments with a sarcastic attitude. I don't feel comfortable doing that in virtually every circumstance but especially for my birthday cake, after being told that it would be taken care of. Yeah right. Always read the fine print. It'd be taken care of, as long as I do everything! How considerate and thoughtful of him. I'm so moved. (sarcasm)
I prefer no cake or a gifted cake. A sense of desperation comes to mind when I arrange my own birthday cake purchase. I'll admit it. I expect others to purchase a cake for me. That doesn't mean that you have to oblige. I hate how disingenuous and manipulative he was. Had I have known what I know now, I would have declined. What the hell made him think that I would want to be promised a cake that everyone will take care of only to be burdened with all the arrangement responsibilities? From a one-sided point of view, I can understand how someone doesn't want to be responsible for that. We all know what it's like to defer responsibility. We don't always even want to put effort into ourselves. So is it so surprising that he doesn't want to put effort into others? I completely empathize with that. But why offer it if you don't want to? I certainly didn't coerce him into it. What's worse is that if this happened to him, he would cry like a little bitch. Okay, so, I'm exaggerating, but my point is that he would find it unacceptable. Is it so hard to believe that others would feel the same?
And believe me when I say that I didn't go on a power trip, take away everyone's responsibilities, and blame others for their incompetence. In retrospect, I probably should have. I entrusted him with this and everyone else involved. I only offered to make dinner for everyone. That was it. He said he'll bring the cake to the dinner party. It was roasted chicken with baby potatoes, asparagus, and lemons as the poultry/main dish. I also made lemon-infused quinoa (pronounced keen-WAH) as a source of grain. I don't invite people over for dinner parties until I have a time line. I told everyone to be over at 5 PM. Two hours later, he calls me to ask when to come over. When I remind him about when it began, he has the audacity to express with an impatient tone that I never told him. Even worse when I first invited him, I left him a voicemail, stating the time. He calls back to tell me that he doesn't remember the contents of the message. So I had to repeat myself. Yet he questions the credibility of my memory? Only one person arrived on time. We spent a good two hours waiting on everyone else who showed up late and didn't have the decency to call to let us know that they were running late. At this point, I suspected that I wasn't going to get a cake. They couldn't even be trusted to get the time right. How could they possibly arrange to buy a cake that should be equally achievable but is probably far more mentally rigorous for them?
My friend and I eventually started eating dinner without them. By the time everyone else arrived, he looks at me when he asks, "Where's the cake?" What the fuck? Why would he ask me that? I should be asking him, but showing up empty-handed answered my question. I reminded him that it was his responsibility. He responds with, "I don't even eat cake. I just said I'd pay for it. It was everyone else's responsibility." I would argue that it's shared responsibility. But if believes that it's everyone else's responsibility, he should have made it clear to everyone else. Apparently, he didn't. Everyone just assumed that everyone else would take care of it without inquiry. Past experiences didn't tip them off that coordination has to be conducted by at least one person, and if someone was coordinating it, they would find out about it? The fact that they didn't get inquiries from a coordinator should've tipped them off that it wasn't being taken care of. Apparently chronic boredom, a lack of responsibilities, and occasional night classes occupied so much of their time and energy that it interfered with basic logic. That's a little upsetting, but I can accept that. They're embracing who they are.
What upset me was when everyone seemed disappointed that there was no cake and everyone was looking to me, saying that it was for my birthday. Exactly. Everyone had an excuse for deferring responsibility that was considered acceptable. So, why was I getting blamed for not getting it done? The people who are supposed to do it, don't do it. The girl who's not supposed to do it, doesn't do it and gets blamed for their orders. How does that make any sense?
Everyone seemed to like the dinner I made. But there were two guys whose sincerity I question. They both said it was good and liked the crunchy skin and how the flavor just blended. But they were both trying to convince the other to finish off the chicken. When I say that I don't mind when people don't like my cooking, I mean it. We have a friend who's extremely picky, and I have to alter the flavor for her. Her facial expressions blatantly reveal disgust towards asparagus, basil, celery, parsley, and quinoa. But my friend doesn't like to see anything go to waste, so he sat there arguing. He doesn't like to eat certain foods. He doesn't like food to go to waste. So sometimes he'll consume food he doesn't want to eat as a way to prevent any food wasting. I can understand his conflict, but I hate how rude he is. What makes him think that I want to hear him whine about not wanting to eat the food he's eating? Inevitably, he'll eat the remains because that's his decision. It's something he doesn't want to do, but he can keep it to himself. I don't see why he can't just exercise his decision silently. Trying to force someone else to eat it because he doesn't want to is inconsiderate. Hey, eat this food that I wouldn't touch. I know this is going to sound bias coming from me, but I'm not a bad cook. Although I don't even think a bad cook deserves this treatment. Showing respect to your friend and exercising some manners for yourself shouldn't be that difficult.
My friends show up late without a cake, looking to me for answers. They argue over who eats the last piece of chicken. That's a crappy so-called birthday celebration. They aren't even finished with their inconsideration, though. My friend suggests getting the cake at that moment. Valid questions from my only logical friend went ignored: Are we going to eat there or take it to-go? Are we taking one car or two? I preferred staying there and getting a large cake, as it creates more of a birthday atmosphere. I said this because they asked for my opinion and made this whole deal about what the birthday girl wants is important. But the second I said something they didn't like, they started complaining about not wanting to pay tip, preferring to choose their own cake flavors, etc. Why even ask for my opinion then? They already have their preferences. No birthday girl wants to be amped up only to be shot down. And birthday girl or not, is it so unreasonable to expect my friends to show more consideration and honesty? They don't have an opinion until they oppose mine? Please, that's bullshit.
After an hour, we step out of my apartment without any questions answered other than we'd be taking one car, as finding two parking spots available are unlikely. My friend stated that his car is a four seater, so it'll be uncomfortable. That's not his fault. Everyone acknowledged it. Then the two people I shared the back seat with wouldn't stop complaining about how cramped it was. They started whining about how two cars would make more sense. I thought we established that two cars don't make sense if there's no parking, but I suggested that they take a second car then. They, unsurprisingly, declined and chose to continue their rants. That was enjoyable.
We decided to sit down and order the cake at the restaurant. One friend suggested that everyone else should pick the flavor of the large cake, so I don't have to think. My friend who suggested this didn't want to actually be a part of that idea and the Domino effect spread. But when I tried to pick the cake, they covered the menu. This went on for over an hour. It took so damn long that my friend's food arrived and he finished it. I started requiring everyone to select at least 2 flavors that appealed to them. That didn't get very far, and eventually everyone designated me to pick. It would've been easier to ask me from the beginning. They didn't like vanilla bean cheesecake, though. How was I supposed to know? Even though I was misled about everything, I selected a cake I liked. But I wasn't able to enjoy it, as everyone kept bitching about it.
Then, at the last possible second, one of my friend's tells me that she has to borrow money because she doesn't have any. I don't mind lending money to someone who needs it. But how inconsiderate of her to pawn it on me at the last possible second. This was supposed to be for my birthday that everyone was supposed to pay for, so it's a little irresponsible to assume that I'll have money for others. When I was venting about this to one of my other friends, he thought it was so fucked up that she expected the birthday girl to pay. I wouldn't go that far because while it's a little unorthodox, it isn't like money will magically appear because I happened to be born on a day that she doesn't have money. I don't have a problem with her being broke. I have a problem with her designating me to be financially responsible for her without my prior consent. I agreed to it, and she couldn't shut up about how she didn't have money, as though I gave a shit. I was actually starting to laugh with someone else when she kept butting into the conversation to repeat herself, that she had no money, that no one told her that we were going out, etc. I get it. She's an irresponsible bitch. Can I finally have my fun now?
Personally, I don't consider irresponsible behavior to be excusable. She's a grown adult. She should have $20 on her. But if she wants to be careless when it comes to her own life, that's her prerogative. LIke I said, she's an adult. What I have a problem with his how she involved me without even considering me. She may not have known before she left her place that we were going to go out, but she knew we were going to a restaurant when we left my apartment. Why couldn't she ask me to loan her money then? I actually have cash at home.
The company, the cake, the logic, or more specifically, lack, and the overall experience wasn't worth it. Oh and one of my friends kept leaving the table whenever the Lakers were on. Not everyone minds the absence of their friends' while celebrating someone's birthday, but is it such a foreign concept that it's rude to walk out on a dinner table multiple times?
That was my so-called birthday celebration.
Mean what you say
Say what you mean
Now, if there was a family emergency or a car accident, that would understandably and naturally come first. But it wasn't like that. I was so grateful when my friend called and said he'd get me an espresso cake in honor of my birthday. Since I knew that money was in short supply for him, I suggested that maybe everyone can split the cost. I'm okay with pitching in. If it helps lessen the blow for my friends, why not? But they find it unthinkable for the birthday girl to contribute financially, so I told him that financial arrangements would have to be made with others. He seemed to acknowledge what I said and agreed. He ended the conversation by reminding me that he doesn't eat cake, so he doesn't know where to buy an espresso cake.
Well, few people do. Espresso cake isn't a very popular choice. But it was his expectation, previous quarrels, and perspective that really annoyed me. He told me that because he doesn't eat cakes, he doesn't know where to buy it, so I have to give him the details. I should also mention that he also claims to be an expert researcher. And yet something as basic as using google to find a local bakery is lost on him. I'm astounded when using google or the yellow pages to get phone numbers and make inquiries are foreign concepts to people but especially ones who claim to be expert researchers. This method is so basic and simplistic that the elementary school version of me has even practiced it. It'd be easier to think that he was too lazy to go through the effort, but I know better than that. Because of his informal training in research, he doesn't know about this common practice, and he doesn't have a researcher's mentality to come up with this idea on his own. He's so overconfident about his ability that he's even gone as far as scrutinizing my researching skills. The idea that someone as ignorant as him comfortably criticizes me offends me greatly at a time like this. When any effort is required, he's unable to complete the task.
Quite frankly, I don't feel comfortable putting effort into my own birthday cake for a number of reasons. It's a spoiled point of view, but it's my birthday. I don't want to do all of the work. Birthday cakes are usually the responsibility of others. It's not fair to put the burden onto others over a tradition that not everyone agrees upon, and that's why I'm more than willing to go without a birthday cake. But when a promise to provide me an espresso cake is over exaggerated, I expect that promise to be delivered.
I also don't want to overstep my boundaries. When it's someone else's birthday cake, I can find out how much each person can afford to pitch in and follow that budget. No one's going to tell the birthday girl what their budget is. So, I'd be walking in blind. If I selected the cheapest cake, some of my petty friends would be insulted that I have such low standards for them. Anything pricier, and they'd probably think I'm being a selfish bitch. As someone who always makes the arrangements, I know how much repeated efforts has to be made. I call and make sure everyone's okay with splitting the cost of something. They usually agree and claim that whatever the amount is, they can easily pay. With experience, I've learned that their promises aren't reliable. By the time they view the receipt, it's a different story. The cost can be $10, and sometimes it's unaffordable. Other times, $35 is completely acceptable. The inconsistency is frustrating, but I can't force more accuracy out of them. So, I provide everyone with an estimate. That's when I get more insight. Taking that into account, I provide everyone with the exact cost. I usually have to reiterate that, as well. And then, alas, it's finalized. It's a nuisance for everyone, but my friends' have shared their appreciation for my considerate and diligent efforts. Coming from the birthday girl, though, it sounds demanding and high-maintenance. I'd be creating an uncomfortable environment of obligatory demands. As if that weren't bad enough, if I did proceed, I know for sure that one of my friends wouldn't stop complaining about the financial impact it's had on him, jokingly but nonetheless sincere. I don't know why he would think it's funny to constantly complain about how I'm responsible for him having no money...but that's okay because it's my birthday comments with a sarcastic attitude. I don't feel comfortable doing that in virtually every circumstance but especially for my birthday cake, after being told that it would be taken care of. Yeah right. Always read the fine print. It'd be taken care of, as long as I do everything! How considerate and thoughtful of him. I'm so moved. (sarcasm)
I prefer no cake or a gifted cake. A sense of desperation comes to mind when I arrange my own birthday cake purchase. I'll admit it. I expect others to purchase a cake for me. That doesn't mean that you have to oblige. I hate how disingenuous and manipulative he was. Had I have known what I know now, I would have declined. What the hell made him think that I would want to be promised a cake that everyone will take care of only to be burdened with all the arrangement responsibilities? From a one-sided point of view, I can understand how someone doesn't want to be responsible for that. We all know what it's like to defer responsibility. We don't always even want to put effort into ourselves. So is it so surprising that he doesn't want to put effort into others? I completely empathize with that. But why offer it if you don't want to? I certainly didn't coerce him into it. What's worse is that if this happened to him, he would cry like a little bitch. Okay, so, I'm exaggerating, but my point is that he would find it unacceptable. Is it so hard to believe that others would feel the same?
And believe me when I say that I didn't go on a power trip, take away everyone's responsibilities, and blame others for their incompetence. In retrospect, I probably should have. I entrusted him with this and everyone else involved. I only offered to make dinner for everyone. That was it. He said he'll bring the cake to the dinner party. It was roasted chicken with baby potatoes, asparagus, and lemons as the poultry/main dish. I also made lemon-infused quinoa (pronounced keen-WAH) as a source of grain. I don't invite people over for dinner parties until I have a time line. I told everyone to be over at 5 PM. Two hours later, he calls me to ask when to come over. When I remind him about when it began, he has the audacity to express with an impatient tone that I never told him. Even worse when I first invited him, I left him a voicemail, stating the time. He calls back to tell me that he doesn't remember the contents of the message. So I had to repeat myself. Yet he questions the credibility of my memory? Only one person arrived on time. We spent a good two hours waiting on everyone else who showed up late and didn't have the decency to call to let us know that they were running late. At this point, I suspected that I wasn't going to get a cake. They couldn't even be trusted to get the time right. How could they possibly arrange to buy a cake that should be equally achievable but is probably far more mentally rigorous for them?
My friend and I eventually started eating dinner without them. By the time everyone else arrived, he looks at me when he asks, "Where's the cake?" What the fuck? Why would he ask me that? I should be asking him, but showing up empty-handed answered my question. I reminded him that it was his responsibility. He responds with, "I don't even eat cake. I just said I'd pay for it. It was everyone else's responsibility." I would argue that it's shared responsibility. But if believes that it's everyone else's responsibility, he should have made it clear to everyone else. Apparently, he didn't. Everyone just assumed that everyone else would take care of it without inquiry. Past experiences didn't tip them off that coordination has to be conducted by at least one person, and if someone was coordinating it, they would find out about it? The fact that they didn't get inquiries from a coordinator should've tipped them off that it wasn't being taken care of. Apparently chronic boredom, a lack of responsibilities, and occasional night classes occupied so much of their time and energy that it interfered with basic logic. That's a little upsetting, but I can accept that. They're embracing who they are.
What upset me was when everyone seemed disappointed that there was no cake and everyone was looking to me, saying that it was for my birthday. Exactly. Everyone had an excuse for deferring responsibility that was considered acceptable. So, why was I getting blamed for not getting it done? The people who are supposed to do it, don't do it. The girl who's not supposed to do it, doesn't do it and gets blamed for their orders. How does that make any sense?
Everyone seemed to like the dinner I made. But there were two guys whose sincerity I question. They both said it was good and liked the crunchy skin and how the flavor just blended. But they were both trying to convince the other to finish off the chicken. When I say that I don't mind when people don't like my cooking, I mean it. We have a friend who's extremely picky, and I have to alter the flavor for her. Her facial expressions blatantly reveal disgust towards asparagus, basil, celery, parsley, and quinoa. But my friend doesn't like to see anything go to waste, so he sat there arguing. He doesn't like to eat certain foods. He doesn't like food to go to waste. So sometimes he'll consume food he doesn't want to eat as a way to prevent any food wasting. I can understand his conflict, but I hate how rude he is. What makes him think that I want to hear him whine about not wanting to eat the food he's eating? Inevitably, he'll eat the remains because that's his decision. It's something he doesn't want to do, but he can keep it to himself. I don't see why he can't just exercise his decision silently. Trying to force someone else to eat it because he doesn't want to is inconsiderate. Hey, eat this food that I wouldn't touch. I know this is going to sound bias coming from me, but I'm not a bad cook. Although I don't even think a bad cook deserves this treatment. Showing respect to your friend and exercising some manners for yourself shouldn't be that difficult.
My friends show up late without a cake, looking to me for answers. They argue over who eats the last piece of chicken. That's a crappy so-called birthday celebration. They aren't even finished with their inconsideration, though. My friend suggests getting the cake at that moment. Valid questions from my only logical friend went ignored: Are we going to eat there or take it to-go? Are we taking one car or two? I preferred staying there and getting a large cake, as it creates more of a birthday atmosphere. I said this because they asked for my opinion and made this whole deal about what the birthday girl wants is important. But the second I said something they didn't like, they started complaining about not wanting to pay tip, preferring to choose their own cake flavors, etc. Why even ask for my opinion then? They already have their preferences. No birthday girl wants to be amped up only to be shot down. And birthday girl or not, is it so unreasonable to expect my friends to show more consideration and honesty? They don't have an opinion until they oppose mine? Please, that's bullshit.
After an hour, we step out of my apartment without any questions answered other than we'd be taking one car, as finding two parking spots available are unlikely. My friend stated that his car is a four seater, so it'll be uncomfortable. That's not his fault. Everyone acknowledged it. Then the two people I shared the back seat with wouldn't stop complaining about how cramped it was. They started whining about how two cars would make more sense. I thought we established that two cars don't make sense if there's no parking, but I suggested that they take a second car then. They, unsurprisingly, declined and chose to continue their rants. That was enjoyable.
We decided to sit down and order the cake at the restaurant. One friend suggested that everyone else should pick the flavor of the large cake, so I don't have to think. My friend who suggested this didn't want to actually be a part of that idea and the Domino effect spread. But when I tried to pick the cake, they covered the menu. This went on for over an hour. It took so damn long that my friend's food arrived and he finished it. I started requiring everyone to select at least 2 flavors that appealed to them. That didn't get very far, and eventually everyone designated me to pick. It would've been easier to ask me from the beginning. They didn't like vanilla bean cheesecake, though. How was I supposed to know? Even though I was misled about everything, I selected a cake I liked. But I wasn't able to enjoy it, as everyone kept bitching about it.
Then, at the last possible second, one of my friend's tells me that she has to borrow money because she doesn't have any. I don't mind lending money to someone who needs it. But how inconsiderate of her to pawn it on me at the last possible second. This was supposed to be for my birthday that everyone was supposed to pay for, so it's a little irresponsible to assume that I'll have money for others. When I was venting about this to one of my other friends, he thought it was so fucked up that she expected the birthday girl to pay. I wouldn't go that far because while it's a little unorthodox, it isn't like money will magically appear because I happened to be born on a day that she doesn't have money. I don't have a problem with her being broke. I have a problem with her designating me to be financially responsible for her without my prior consent. I agreed to it, and she couldn't shut up about how she didn't have money, as though I gave a shit. I was actually starting to laugh with someone else when she kept butting into the conversation to repeat herself, that she had no money, that no one told her that we were going out, etc. I get it. She's an irresponsible bitch. Can I finally have my fun now?
Personally, I don't consider irresponsible behavior to be excusable. She's a grown adult. She should have $20 on her. But if she wants to be careless when it comes to her own life, that's her prerogative. LIke I said, she's an adult. What I have a problem with his how she involved me without even considering me. She may not have known before she left her place that we were going to go out, but she knew we were going to a restaurant when we left my apartment. Why couldn't she ask me to loan her money then? I actually have cash at home.
The company, the cake, the logic, or more specifically, lack, and the overall experience wasn't worth it. Oh and one of my friends kept leaving the table whenever the Lakers were on. Not everyone minds the absence of their friends' while celebrating someone's birthday, but is it such a foreign concept that it's rude to walk out on a dinner table multiple times?
That was my so-called birthday celebration.
Friday, March 7, 2008
A Progressively Growing Lack of Care
The same friend who's home situation sucks has been repeatedly calling me because he's unhappy. As a friend, I feel terrible for the mistreatment and unfair exposure and expectations. He doesn't deserve what he's going through. But you know what? We're all challenged and exposed to obstacles we don't deserve. Unfairness won't change the rules of the game. There isn't some maximum quota where after you reach an excessive amount of unfairness, you won't ever have to deal with it again. Nor does it mean that because life is so unfair, the universe will repay you for the inconvenience. If you ever expect to see change and improvement, you have to make it happen for yourself. All he does is complain about it. It's not easy to go through change, but it's a necessary process for all of us. He's not a child anymore. He's an adult. He should start acting like one. Or at the very least stop burdening the people around him with problems he continues to expose himself to. He doesn't realize that his actions or lack of affect, well, everything around him. If he were more mature, I wouldn't have to hear him complain about the same thing and feel guilty for being so callous. I just can't understand why people don't realize that after a certain point in life, complaining is no longer acceptable. We're adults now. Be afraid of change, but don't let it stop you. Or, again, let it stop you if you must. But show more consideration towards others. You don't like being inconvenienced, so refrain from doing that to others. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. I can't change his actions. He won't change his actions. So, therefore, I get an earful. And he thinks he's going to live with my boyfriend and I, on top of that? I hate the lack the changes occurring, and I hate the changes that are occurring, my progressively growing lack of care and concern towards him.
I know I'm a bitch about these things because I was forced to deal with things I didn't deserve to be a part of. I still resent it, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Quite frankly, I would've been satisfying learning it on my own. I had to face changes I shouldn't have had to deal with. And my friend is complaining because an unfair circumstance, which happens to all of us, should be motivating him to make changes he should've made a long time ago and should be making now. Complaining is just a way for him to occupy his time so that he can avoid doing anything productive. If being a friend to him is contributing to a perpetual cycle he should escape, especially one that affects me, then it does neither of us any good for me to be there for him the way he wants me to be. I don't like feeling so uncaring and resentful towards him. I can't imagine he enjoys being scrutinized by me when he takes a break from being denigrated by his mother. Although he does put himself out there.
I know I'm a bitch about these things because I was forced to deal with things I didn't deserve to be a part of. I still resent it, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Quite frankly, I would've been satisfying learning it on my own. I had to face changes I shouldn't have had to deal with. And my friend is complaining because an unfair circumstance, which happens to all of us, should be motivating him to make changes he should've made a long time ago and should be making now. Complaining is just a way for him to occupy his time so that he can avoid doing anything productive. If being a friend to him is contributing to a perpetual cycle he should escape, especially one that affects me, then it does neither of us any good for me to be there for him the way he wants me to be. I don't like feeling so uncaring and resentful towards him. I can't imagine he enjoys being scrutinized by me when he takes a break from being denigrated by his mother. Although he does put himself out there.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
To Do List
Household Supplies
-Mesh Lingerie Bag
-Bounty Paper Towels
-Infinite Aloe
-
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Birthday List
1. Blank Journal
2. The Lucky Shopping Manual Book
3. The Knowledge Book (Amazon has the best deal)
4. Soy Candles
5. Something Purple (amethyst polished stones, amethyst jewelry such as a pendant or keychain, amethyst geode, candles, amethyst cluster, vintage perfume bottles in purple, for example)
6. Arts & Craft Supplies (embossing starter kit, stamp collection, or a gift card to Michaels or JoAnn's)
7. Electronic Dictionary
8. Violin
9. Black Strappy Heels in a Size 5
10. T3 Straightening Iron
The price range for the gifts increase as the numbers do. I tried to figure out what I would like by thinking of things from head to toe, different aspects of my life (personal, social, relationship/love, family, career, money), remaining factors: interests, logical, creative, etc. Something purple can be very exorbitant or insanely affordable. By going to a flea market, you can find $50 and up values for $20 and below.
2. The Lucky Shopping Manual Book
3. The Knowledge Book (Amazon has the best deal)
4. Soy Candles
5. Something Purple (amethyst polished stones, amethyst jewelry such as a pendant or keychain, amethyst geode, candles, amethyst cluster, vintage perfume bottles in purple, for example)
6. Arts & Craft Supplies (embossing starter kit, stamp collection, or a gift card to Michaels or JoAnn's)
7. Electronic Dictionary
8. Violin
9. Black Strappy Heels in a Size 5
10. T3 Straightening Iron
The price range for the gifts increase as the numbers do. I tried to figure out what I would like by thinking of things from head to toe, different aspects of my life (personal, social, relationship/love, family, career, money), remaining factors: interests, logical, creative, etc. Something purple can be very exorbitant or insanely affordable. By going to a flea market, you can find $50 and up values for $20 and below.
Not Everyone Thinks Like Me
That isn't my epiphany. I've known for some time now that not everyone thinks like me. As my boyfriend puts it, "I'm calibrated differently." But when I try to relate with others, I have to go based on how I feel and how I think. I interpret things based on my understanding of things. So, sometimes, I react a certain way because I expect people to respond according to my perception of reality, which can be very far off. I didn't celebrate my birthday this year because I lost touch with some of my friends, and I felt uncomfortable by the idea of calling them over my birthday, an event that obligates gifts. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind not receiving gifts, but my friends who can't afford to buy me any would go out of their way and get me something. I don't want to inconvenience them like that. Everyone's been so busy with school that I just didn't want to interfere. The lack of communication led my friends to believe that I moved, something that's been in the works for a while now. Then, my friend practically interrogated me for why I didn't celebrate my birthday and how it should've been a priority. That was sweet, and I agree with him. I felt silly admitting that the only reason why I didn't invite anyone was because I didn't want to sound greedy. "Hey, I haven't put much of an effort to keep in touch with you until now (now that my birthday's coming up). Do you want to celebrate my birthday?" He thought I was nuts and assured me that no one would have thought that. They were concerned because apparently they called but didn't leave a message. I don't check my call logs unless someone's left a message, so I assumed everyone was busy. And they assumed I had already moved. Thinking about it, my perspective is baseless. I made a big deal about Christmas, which is something my Asian friends expressed interest in. They never celebrate it at home, so I bought the tree and everything. I made my friend a turkey pie because he's a huge fan of turkey and not cakes. It substituted as his birthday cake. I made an entire meal for him, too. So to expect my birthday being celebrated isn't that big of a deal. As for the gifts, I can't control my friends actions. If they're willing to make the necessary sacrifices, I have to consider the possibility that I'm worth it. Plus, they're always broke. It's not like they don't know what they're getting into. I'm always living inside of my head that I don't always see how the outside world is operating. And I'll continue to be blinded if I don't open my eyes to it. So, from now on, I want to make an effort and see how the world outside of me functions. If I made a big deal out of my birthday, their presence would've proved to me that my reservations were completely unfounded. And it's important to learn these things. After all, not everyone lives in my head. I'm not even sure I should really live in there as frequently as I do. It's closed me off from celebrating my birthday.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
No Permanent Guests!
I have a friend whose home situation is unbearable and completely unfair. He dropped out of college, per his mother's request, to make money sooner so that he can help with the bills, as his family was struggling. This was before the dot.com burst, so money was booming in the tech industry. He was rolling in dough. Considering the circumstance, it made sense at the time. Unfortunately, his mother was being a mother, critical and pushy, blaming him of being lazy for not going to college and pursuing something more ambitious and educational for himself. He was in a helpless predicament. The amount of money his family needed allowed him no time to pursue personal interests including his education. That did suck, and he really should continue his education. Nonetheless, his mother was being unreasonable. His sacrifices went unacknowledged. You could even say that he was being scrutinized for it. And what a set up. If he cut back his work hours to go to school, per his mother's recent request, because it would've risen financial conflicts, his mother would continue to antagonize him. It would simply be over a different topic.
As if that suffocating environment weren't bad enough, he became trapped. His mother bought a house out of state and put his name on the lease, making him partially responsible for the mortgage payments. His mother became severely codependent on his financial contribution that she not only involved herself into financially catastrophic investments but it developed into a chronic practice. If he refuses payment, his aging mother would be sent to collections, as her health is deteriorating. It's the worse time for her to face financial burden. With that said, I run the risk of sounding insensitive when I state the obvious that it's still her burden to bear, not his. There are many gray areas. For example, he doesn't want to see her unable to receive medical treatment that she'll probably need in the near future, as she's becoming much older. As long as he's there to support her, things will be somewhat easier for her. But after you cut through the gray areas, it's rather black and white. This is an adult making poor choices that have adverse effects on her life. This isn't a child that needs to be protected. How long must he pay her debt because she gave birth to him?
I know I'm being harsh, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'm wrong. His credit score shouldn't become compromised because of his mother. If anyone should sabotage his credit, it should be him and him alone. As long as he continues to support her, she'll continue to make bad choices, knowing that her son will compensate for the lost money. Be there for her. Help her, by all means. But, ultimately, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. He can't change his mother's actions or circumstance, but he can change his own. It's an unfair position his mother is putting him in, and he should leave it. Who knows? Maybe his absence will inspire more responsible decisions in her own life. Or maybe it won't. That's up to her, though.
I'm good at cutting through bullshit and separating the white and black that make up the gray areas because I pay attention to details, which is why I often run the risk of not seeing the big picture. There are many dimensions to this, and I can usually successfully decode and analyze each element separately. When it comes to combining, incorporating, and unifying a problem, I'm not so skilled. So, I want to step back and review everything. I've considered my friend. I touched on his mother's circumstance, but that's as far as I can travel, being who I am. I was raised to believe that we have to fix all of our own mistakes. As I've gotten older, I realize how simplistic, bleak, and exaggerated that philosophy is, but I can appreciate the message. There are factors to consider such as a young person making a mistake, deserving a second chance, and what not, but she ran out of those factors a long time ago, assuming she even had them.
As destructive as my friend's mother's been on him, she can't be blamed for everything. That was another forced lesson on me. No matter how fucked up people are around you, when you reciprocate, no matter how deserving the recipient is, you chose that form of action. You can't blame it on others. You can admit that it was influenced, but those are two different things. It's difficult to distinguish, but it's still true. My friend's a grown adult. The dot.com burst was a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities to move out and still does, but, for whatever reason, he's choosing not to. After a certain point, I have to consider the possibility that he likes it in some twisted or perverse sort of way. By living under his mother's foot, he doesn't have to enter the unprotected, unsheltered crappy world that's out there. He doesn't have to feel alone, suffer through the pains of becoming independent, he doesn't have to face the unknown, he doesn't have to focus on everyone else, and he has to do one of the hardest things in the world, examine himself. But by closing the outside world, he's also missing out on a lot of great opportunities. As a friend, I'm sad for him.
As a possible roommate, it enrages me! I don't want his problems being transferred onto me. I'm not going to become his roommate, but he doesn't accept that. I'm a very blunt and opinionated person. I'm about as clear in person as I am in writing. If I say so myself, I think my position about this situation has been crystal clear. He has a tendency to cling onto the familiar, no matter how unhealthy it is. While he doesn't admit it often, his silent fear of being alone is overwhelming him. He hasn't even viewed any potential apartments. He's been whining about wanting to move out since last year. It's been over half a year now, and he only went within local proximity to apartment listings last week. I was on the phone with him, pushing him to do this. I basically had to play the mother role for him, as it seems to be the only thing he's receptive to. Quite frankly, I don't think he would've checked if I wasn't on the phone with him. He was within walking distance to both colleges that are likely to post anything within his price range. When he couldn't find guest parking, he almost aborted the entire operation. After reviewing one bulletin board without success, he retreated altogether. He didn't even look for other bulletin boards with the argument that he didn't know there was more than one (probably bullshit) and didn't ask anyone for guidance. He didn't bother to stop by the other college and didn't even tell me he left until he was out of the area.
I truly believe that you can not rely on the universe to get things done for you. I believe that the universe assists and can guide us, if we let it. I believe there are signs everywhere, but I also believe that not all signs depict the right path. Even following the wrong path is a path we can all take. To believe that the universe will provide us with what we need when the time comes is naive and lazy. That message conveys that eventually the truth will come to us no matter what, implying that a lack of effort will still result in answers. Because nothing is set in stone, for a few individuals, that may be true. But why would you rely on that when you can seek the answers yourself? In my experience, the universe, for the most part, doesn't do a goddamn thing to helping me achieve my goals. And when it does, on rare occasions, I usually have to work for it. I truly believe that if you put your sincere and diligent energy and effort towards achieving a specific goal, the universe is more likely to assist you. He hasn't lifted a finger.
I'm not going to reward his lack of efforts by opening my home and enabling him to not become independent. I will not contribute to his chronic problem especially when I don't want any permanent guests! It's so frustrating to me. I'll be honest. I'm not a very sympathetic person. I have the emotional capacity to sympathize, but it's not an emotion I feel too often. You have to be a very well-deserving candidate. And my friend just isn't one of them. I wouldn't even have to consider being sympathetic towards him or not had he have made better choices for himself. This is a controversial subject, so what's right is complicated and questionable. But he wants to escape. That's good enough for me. But you got to do what you got to do to get it done.
I keep thinking, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves." Until I see any efforts from him, I'm not going to offer anything that can perpetuate his problem, both for him and myself. It's not healthy for him. I don't want him believing that he can go on crutching onto other people. I don't want him having his mother's fate. I can't change his behavior, but I can dictate who becomes an occupant in my home. Allowing him to live with me isn't a solution to his problems, so it's self-defeating. And sure as hell am not going to go out of my way and invite cock block (yes, that's the nickname my boyfriend and I gave him) into my home for an unproductive purpose. A part of me feels guilty because, as his friend, I want him to get some peace, and I can provide that for him. But I'm true to who I am. It's selfish, but it's always been me first. Me doesn't want him living with my boyfriend and I. In this case, though, even when I put him first, it doesn't seem logical. I just wish I can get him to understand.
I'm a very persuasive person. If he refuses to leave my home, I won't hesitate calling the police to physically remove him from the premise. So, one way or another, it'll get done. I just hate that I have to convince him of this. It's as though people in my life selectively choose to disregard what I have to say when it's most important. I don't understand. I'm stubborn, articulate, convey my messages rather successfully, and am firm with my decisions. So why does he and, quite frankly, a number of other people dismiss what I have to say, as though my decision will be overturned when the time comes? I suppose there's a possibility that I'm diluted and I'm actually unclear, but I highly doubt that's the case. I'm capable of saying and have said, and I quote, "I don't want any permanent guests in my home." I think that about sums up my answer.
As if that suffocating environment weren't bad enough, he became trapped. His mother bought a house out of state and put his name on the lease, making him partially responsible for the mortgage payments. His mother became severely codependent on his financial contribution that she not only involved herself into financially catastrophic investments but it developed into a chronic practice. If he refuses payment, his aging mother would be sent to collections, as her health is deteriorating. It's the worse time for her to face financial burden. With that said, I run the risk of sounding insensitive when I state the obvious that it's still her burden to bear, not his. There are many gray areas. For example, he doesn't want to see her unable to receive medical treatment that she'll probably need in the near future, as she's becoming much older. As long as he's there to support her, things will be somewhat easier for her. But after you cut through the gray areas, it's rather black and white. This is an adult making poor choices that have adverse effects on her life. This isn't a child that needs to be protected. How long must he pay her debt because she gave birth to him?
I know I'm being harsh, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'm wrong. His credit score shouldn't become compromised because of his mother. If anyone should sabotage his credit, it should be him and him alone. As long as he continues to support her, she'll continue to make bad choices, knowing that her son will compensate for the lost money. Be there for her. Help her, by all means. But, ultimately, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. He can't change his mother's actions or circumstance, but he can change his own. It's an unfair position his mother is putting him in, and he should leave it. Who knows? Maybe his absence will inspire more responsible decisions in her own life. Or maybe it won't. That's up to her, though.
I'm good at cutting through bullshit and separating the white and black that make up the gray areas because I pay attention to details, which is why I often run the risk of not seeing the big picture. There are many dimensions to this, and I can usually successfully decode and analyze each element separately. When it comes to combining, incorporating, and unifying a problem, I'm not so skilled. So, I want to step back and review everything. I've considered my friend. I touched on his mother's circumstance, but that's as far as I can travel, being who I am. I was raised to believe that we have to fix all of our own mistakes. As I've gotten older, I realize how simplistic, bleak, and exaggerated that philosophy is, but I can appreciate the message. There are factors to consider such as a young person making a mistake, deserving a second chance, and what not, but she ran out of those factors a long time ago, assuming she even had them.
As destructive as my friend's mother's been on him, she can't be blamed for everything. That was another forced lesson on me. No matter how fucked up people are around you, when you reciprocate, no matter how deserving the recipient is, you chose that form of action. You can't blame it on others. You can admit that it was influenced, but those are two different things. It's difficult to distinguish, but it's still true. My friend's a grown adult. The dot.com burst was a long time ago. He had plenty of opportunities to move out and still does, but, for whatever reason, he's choosing not to. After a certain point, I have to consider the possibility that he likes it in some twisted or perverse sort of way. By living under his mother's foot, he doesn't have to enter the unprotected, unsheltered crappy world that's out there. He doesn't have to feel alone, suffer through the pains of becoming independent, he doesn't have to face the unknown, he doesn't have to focus on everyone else, and he has to do one of the hardest things in the world, examine himself. But by closing the outside world, he's also missing out on a lot of great opportunities. As a friend, I'm sad for him.
As a possible roommate, it enrages me! I don't want his problems being transferred onto me. I'm not going to become his roommate, but he doesn't accept that. I'm a very blunt and opinionated person. I'm about as clear in person as I am in writing. If I say so myself, I think my position about this situation has been crystal clear. He has a tendency to cling onto the familiar, no matter how unhealthy it is. While he doesn't admit it often, his silent fear of being alone is overwhelming him. He hasn't even viewed any potential apartments. He's been whining about wanting to move out since last year. It's been over half a year now, and he only went within local proximity to apartment listings last week. I was on the phone with him, pushing him to do this. I basically had to play the mother role for him, as it seems to be the only thing he's receptive to. Quite frankly, I don't think he would've checked if I wasn't on the phone with him. He was within walking distance to both colleges that are likely to post anything within his price range. When he couldn't find guest parking, he almost aborted the entire operation. After reviewing one bulletin board without success, he retreated altogether. He didn't even look for other bulletin boards with the argument that he didn't know there was more than one (probably bullshit) and didn't ask anyone for guidance. He didn't bother to stop by the other college and didn't even tell me he left until he was out of the area.
I truly believe that you can not rely on the universe to get things done for you. I believe that the universe assists and can guide us, if we let it. I believe there are signs everywhere, but I also believe that not all signs depict the right path. Even following the wrong path is a path we can all take. To believe that the universe will provide us with what we need when the time comes is naive and lazy. That message conveys that eventually the truth will come to us no matter what, implying that a lack of effort will still result in answers. Because nothing is set in stone, for a few individuals, that may be true. But why would you rely on that when you can seek the answers yourself? In my experience, the universe, for the most part, doesn't do a goddamn thing to helping me achieve my goals. And when it does, on rare occasions, I usually have to work for it. I truly believe that if you put your sincere and diligent energy and effort towards achieving a specific goal, the universe is more likely to assist you. He hasn't lifted a finger.
I'm not going to reward his lack of efforts by opening my home and enabling him to not become independent. I will not contribute to his chronic problem especially when I don't want any permanent guests! It's so frustrating to me. I'll be honest. I'm not a very sympathetic person. I have the emotional capacity to sympathize, but it's not an emotion I feel too often. You have to be a very well-deserving candidate. And my friend just isn't one of them. I wouldn't even have to consider being sympathetic towards him or not had he have made better choices for himself. This is a controversial subject, so what's right is complicated and questionable. But he wants to escape. That's good enough for me. But you got to do what you got to do to get it done.
I keep thinking, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves." Until I see any efforts from him, I'm not going to offer anything that can perpetuate his problem, both for him and myself. It's not healthy for him. I don't want him believing that he can go on crutching onto other people. I don't want him having his mother's fate. I can't change his behavior, but I can dictate who becomes an occupant in my home. Allowing him to live with me isn't a solution to his problems, so it's self-defeating. And sure as hell am not going to go out of my way and invite cock block (yes, that's the nickname my boyfriend and I gave him) into my home for an unproductive purpose. A part of me feels guilty because, as his friend, I want him to get some peace, and I can provide that for him. But I'm true to who I am. It's selfish, but it's always been me first. Me doesn't want him living with my boyfriend and I. In this case, though, even when I put him first, it doesn't seem logical. I just wish I can get him to understand.
I'm a very persuasive person. If he refuses to leave my home, I won't hesitate calling the police to physically remove him from the premise. So, one way or another, it'll get done. I just hate that I have to convince him of this. It's as though people in my life selectively choose to disregard what I have to say when it's most important. I don't understand. I'm stubborn, articulate, convey my messages rather successfully, and am firm with my decisions. So why does he and, quite frankly, a number of other people dismiss what I have to say, as though my decision will be overturned when the time comes? I suppose there's a possibility that I'm diluted and I'm actually unclear, but I highly doubt that's the case. I'm capable of saying and have said, and I quote, "I don't want any permanent guests in my home." I think that about sums up my answer.
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