I Feel Like a Prisoner in my own Skin

I don’t like doing drugs because it makes me feel like a prisoner in my own skin. I’m a curious and neurotic person. I ask a lot of questions, research excessively, blab, and oppose something or another. It’s difficult for me to sustain my natural tendencies if I’m out of it. And I like who I am. Other drugs that put me on overdrive doesn’t have a restrictive feeling, but it makes me feel inferior. If I’m 110% when I’m all sooped up, the bonus accomplishments are a disappointing reminder of how I needed help with that. I know a girl who used to be a med student and was only able to keep up because she was a coked up. She was unwilling to accept that she couldn’t make it on her own and got recreational assistance. I guess she thought it was easier than facing the truth. I’ve never developed the ability to hide from the truth. And I hate feeling inferior and inadequate. I also have an addictive personality, and it was hell to get my life back on track. Even though I already knew this, it took me a long time before I consciously felt the way I do now. When you’re all drugged up, you don’t focus on who you are and the negative impacts it has on your life. I didn’t do it because I enjoyed it. Well, I did, but I hated that, which is why I’m so surprised when I hear people brag about the shit they do. Why would you be proud of that? Especially weed. I never got that. It’s not an addictive drug. It’s just a way to be lazy with recreational assistance. WTF needs help being lazy? It’s supposed to be a passive activity. I guess I shouldn’t judge. I can argue equally rational points for my past mistakes. I just can’t understand why people wouldn’t want to change. I felt like my choices were taken away from me, and it took me a long time to get that back. I didn’t want it to be like that. It just turned out that way. The way I see it, if the world is so terrible that you need drugs to make it bearable, I wouldn’t want to live. That philosophy scares me because, at times, life becomes unbearable. But that’s why I try to do everything I can to remind me of all the good things.