You Seem to Lack the Capacity to Learn Lessons

These words were stated in a recent Smallville episode. While I’m no longer a fan of the show with its withering story lines, slow transitions, and weak-willed characters bringing down a once popular show, I’m ashamed to admit that my criticism and once constructive standards have become compromised, as I continue to fry my brain by sitting in front of the television for a show I’m not even interested in. The most engaging part of this week’s episode was this sentence: You seem to lack the capacity to learn lessons. It’s a simple sentence that’s easy to understand. Simple sentences that deliver a clear message with common words aren’t particularly unusual. And yet I can’t help but feel gravitated towards the simplicity and sophistication of this sentence. I feel a little uncomfortable using the word sophisticated to describe this sentence. It makes me feel uneducated and uncultured because there are far more refined sentences than this one, and I’m aware of that. I can’t tell if I feel uncomfortable admitting how I feel because deep down inside, I believe I’m unsophisticated. Maybe I’m confusing simplicity with sophistication because I’m a simple-minded person who doesn’t know any better. But will someone like that pick up on a single sentence? Maybe I’m making allowances for my shortcomings by overcomplicating things to give the illusion of a busy mind. I’m putting way too much thought and energy into something this insignificant.

A Great Phone Call

I just had a fantastic conversation with my friend. It was nothing special, but it’s been a while. And today didn’t begin very well. I’ve been feeling a little neglected by my friends and isolated from the outside world. A bunch of us had plans to go out early this morning, and the plans were made yesterday. It was fresh in everyone’s mind, and yet nothing happened…until after 2 PM when a bunch of calls rolled in to verify that I’ve been flaked on. Thanks for the confirmation, I guess. It was nothing personal, and I know that, but it’s been raining. My knees have been acting up, and the only wearable shoes I own right now are knee high boots. Factor that in with my lack of funds, and I’m basically stuck home. It wasn’t all bad. I got to catch up on a lot of reading, bake cookies, and educate myself on Reno’s Privacy Act and compare it to California’s. The last one is rather extensive and an ongoing process. Plus I know virtually zero about the law, which makes it kind of a challenge that I like. I just wish I had the choice to stay home, not have my circumstances dictate my plans. I really was planning to call my friend, but I made an excuse about how I need to charge my cell phone. I could have just as easily used my house phone, but I didn’t. I love her, but, lately, her self-defeatist attitude has been making me feel like I need to undergo a spiritual cleansing after each conversation with her. I want to help her, and that’s why I was making an effort. But I wasn’t helping. I don’t want her living life believing that she has no say. But I think she was also desperate to be told that she was right, that something, anything, she had to say was worth listening to, intelligent, and important. I want her to feel that way about herself without seeking for other peoples’ approval. And I want to help her, but not at the expense of passively supporting her demented views. Her deep-seated bleakness and my hardcore stubbornness has been a bad batch lately. Today was different. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve seen her number on my caller ID, let alone a great conversation. So it was nice.

I Feel Like a Prisoner in my own Skin

I don’t like doing drugs because it makes me feel like a prisoner in my own skin. I’m a curious and neurotic person. I ask a lot of questions, research excessively, blab, and oppose something or another. It’s difficult for me to sustain my natural tendencies if I’m out of it. And I like who I am. Other drugs that put me on overdrive doesn’t have a restrictive feeling, but it makes me feel inferior. If I’m 110% when I’m all sooped up, the bonus accomplishments are a disappointing reminder of how I needed help with that. I know a girl who used to be a med student and was only able to keep up because she was a coked up. She was unwilling to accept that she couldn’t make it on her own and got recreational assistance. I guess she thought it was easier than facing the truth. I’ve never developed the ability to hide from the truth. And I hate feeling inferior and inadequate. I also have an addictive personality, and it was hell to get my life back on track. Even though I already knew this, it took me a long time before I consciously felt the way I do now. When you’re all drugged up, you don’t focus on who you are and the negative impacts it has on your life. I didn’t do it because I enjoyed it. Well, I did, but I hated that, which is why I’m so surprised when I hear people brag about the shit they do. Why would you be proud of that? Especially weed. I never got that. It’s not an addictive drug. It’s just a way to be lazy with recreational assistance. WTF needs help being lazy? It’s supposed to be a passive activity. I guess I shouldn’t judge. I can argue equally rational points for my past mistakes. I just can’t understand why people wouldn’t want to change. I felt like my choices were taken away from me, and it took me a long time to get that back. I didn’t want it to be like that. It just turned out that way. The way I see it, if the world is so terrible that you need drugs to make it bearable, I wouldn’t want to live. That philosophy scares me because, at times, life becomes unbearable. But that’s why I try to do everything I can to remind me of all the good things.

Not All Good People Are Meant to be Your Friends

I’m fortunate enough to know a lot of great people, but there are flaws in everyone. That doesn’t mean that you should lose all ties with them, but I’ve come to the realization that not all good people are meant to be or even should be your friends. Some people just bring out the worst in you for whatever reason, intentional or otherwise. Some people complain and complain and complain. I would know because I’m one of them. I worry how it can become contagious and how it can affect others but more importantly, the kind of negative impact it can have on my outlook in life. So I try to be conscientious of my behavior, but not everyone is like that. Sometimes I meet some great people who have good hearts, but I find that they depress me with their constant complaints and negative approach and lifestyle. That perspective permeates my views like poison. That’s not how I want to live in my life. My mood reflects my environment, so as much as possible, I want to expose it to the healthier aspects of life. You can’t change people. So you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences of having people like that in your life and the potential results it can have on you. And sometimes the answer is no. I’m unwilling to let others poison me. It’s a decision I have to live with. It’s unfortunate sometimes as I’m closing the door to one thing, but the door it’s opening or allowing to remain open exceeds any menial benefits the alternatives may offer. This is something, I believe, we all struggle with. And when your time comes, really examine your life and the others who are a part of it. This may sound selfish, but think about yourself first. People will always come in and out of your life, but you can never escape yourself. So be sure to evolve into the kind of person you can respect and admire.

A lock is better than suspicion

I still don't know what happened to my ring. I don't know if I can trust her. Because it was my own home, I didn't think there was anything wrong with taking my ring off. I've now learned that a lock is better than suspicion. I might as well make it harder for thieves to discourage them from their ways. It'll also make detecting the thief easier. In my case, I still don't know if a thief is involved or not, but that's not the point. I want to take precautionary measures in the future. I'm not writing anything I didn't already know, but we all let our guard down. I made that mistake, and I have to live with the consequence.

Every Day Matters

I just saw a JC Penney commercial that advertised Every Day Matters. I can't agree with this message more. I don't think this message should be misused to indulge in overspending and bad habits, but I think we can all afford to realize that every day matters. We get used to living a comfortable life and believing that tomorrow will come, but it might not. That doesn't me that we should jam pack everything into one day, but why put off what you can do today? Why not make today matter? Why not take pride in doing the things that make you feel good? When I wore makeup more regularly, I was more conscientious about what I wore and that anchored my mood for the day. What a small way to feel better about yourself. I don't want to go back to racking up debt on makeup pumped full of chemicals, but I did enjoy feeling attractive. As we get older, our priorities change, and that's a good thing, but we shouldn't leave behind the good priorities.

Failure

While I don't believe that it's my destiny to fail, I have enough odds stacked against me that I refuse to assist in my own failure. We're all meant to fail at something. I don't mean it in a cynical way. It's just a reality that everyone has to face. Failure is a necessary part of life, probably one of the more important elements in life. It's how we learn. Use it wisely.